


Being Brave

by KrisKeyNa



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Slice of Life, Smut, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 13:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 95,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15486684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisKeyNa/pseuds/KrisKeyNa
Summary: Non-Au, slice of Kaisoo life, minor Baekhyun, minor Taohun, minor Chanyeol. Also contains minimal OT12. Explores the meeting of Kaisoo, and the progression of their relationship. Some angst, some humor, some fluff, some smut. I guess you might call this a slow burn. I do not subscribe to strict top/bottom roles. Based in some realities, but of course completely fictional. The main focus is Kaisoo, but Baekhyun will have more of a part in the story than the rest of the other members (because I love that stinker!), but for those of you who prefer stories that just focus on Kaisoo I tried not to make him too intrusive. It's not smut-heavy, but there are some smutty chapters. Although there is some drama in the story, it's not super dramatic. I'm sorry if you find it boring. I just love Kaisoo and wanted to explore some sweet, private and intense moments with them. I copied and pasted this quickly, so if you see any error please let me know so I can fix it.





	1. What Makes You Happy?

KYUNGSOO

As a new trainee, Do Kyungsoo was brought into one of the practice rooms where other SM trainees were gathered. He loved singing, and music in general, so he was excited at the possibilities. He hated being social with new people though, so he started to feel twitchy when he saw the others sitting around the room, staring at him.

"This," the manager said, pointing at a beautiful boy, "Is Jongin - he goes by Kai." He continued around the room. "Chanyeol, Yifan is Kris, Minseok here is called Xiumin, Luhan, Yixing is Lay. This is Junmyeon - we call him Suho. He's been here the longest and he'll be this team's leader. Try to get used to their stage names. We're missing two. Tao and Sehun. I'll have to round them up. Anyway, everyone, this is Doh Kyungsoo."

"Hello," Kyungsoo said, looking them over with a deadpan face.

"Hello," the others replied. Kyungsoo saw the tall one with the ears sizing him up with a smile. Why is he smiling like an idiot? he wondered. When he glanced at the others, he saw the really pretty one, the one named Jongin, give him a quick deer-in-the-headlights look before gluing his eyes to the floor. 

"You'll be training with these guys, and you've got some time before we head back to the dorms, so get to know them," the manager directed before leaving them alone. Kyungsoo looked over the boys and was at a loss for what to say or do. Maybe I should rethink this, he thought. Fighting the urge to bolt, he plopped himself down on the floor near the others. He stared at them one by one while biting one of his fingernails. They looked at him expectantly, except for Jongin, but Kyungsoo said nothing. If they think I'm going to sit here and make stupid small talk, they can just think again, he thought. 

"What got you here?" Chanyeol asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, was it your dancing, or singing...or..."

"They told me I had a good voice and had potential," Kyungsoo finally forced out.

"Ah, sing something," Junmyeon prodded. Kyungsoo gave him his best you've-got-to-be-kidding me look. Am I some kind of performing monkey or something? He noticed that Jongin - or he supposed he should think of him as Kai, wanted no part of this conversation either. Maybe I can get along with this one, he thought. He's beautiful. 

"Come on," Chanyeol said. "We're going to be training together, so we'll have to hear you eventually. What are you scared of?"

Kyungsoo resisted the urge to gouge that punk's eyes out and asked, "What do you want me to sing?"

"Anything," Chanyeol said. "Whatever you auditioned with."

Kyungsoo sighed and started to sing softly. He noticed Jongin looking up at him. He felt his insides squirm when they made eye contact. It almost scared the voice right out of him, but he was able to keep singing. They all praised him when he finished, except for Jongin. Kyungsoo felt a little disappointment at that. The one guy that was mellow and didn't seem like an idiot and he got nothing. Kyungsoo truly hoped he could end up tolerating these guys.

After his impromtu performance, the boys started pelting him with questions, which he answered in the least amount of words possible. The question and answer session was interrupted when two more trainees entered. They were introduced as Sehun and Zitao - who he was supposed to call Tao. Kyungsoo watched the two as they crossed the room and sat together against the wall. Ha, he thought, they don't want to talk to these nerds either. He noticed they were completely absorbed in each other. He felt a stab of envy at their closeness in the midst of him not knowing anyone, and stole another glance at Jongin.

JONGIN

After what seemed like an eternity, the manager came in and told everyone it was time to head back to the dorms. They all filed out and were led to a pair of vans. Jongin climbed into one of them and waited to see who else got in. He was hoping the new guy would ride in the other van or, better yet, not stay at the dorms at all. The guy was cute, and a good singer, but he gave him the shivers. He just didn't give off a friendly vibe at all, and Jongin had no room in his life for jerks. Unfortunately, the short newbie climbed in and sat right next to him. He felt his nerves ramp up with the pressure to make conversation.

"Do you know what dorm you're staying in?" he asked timidly. He already knew that the new guy would be in his dorm, but he didn't know what else to say.

"No."

"Ah." Jongin couldn't think of anything else to say, so they sat in silence for the whole trip. He kept his attention on Tao and Sehun, who were seated in front of him. He felt embarrassed watching them coo at each other, but at least it gave him something to do.

When they arrived, Jongin watched the manager lead Kyungsoo to his room in the dorm. Now I'm gonna be creeped out in my own home, he thought.

He was just flopping himself down on the couch when the manager announced that they should get to sleep since they had a lot to do the following day, but to look forward to pizza for lunch at the end of the week as a way to celebrate the addition of Kyungsoo.

"Yeah!" Chanyeol yelled. "Thanks for being new Kyungsoo!"

As Jongin prepared for bed, he kept stealing glances, but Kyungsoo just ignored him. And any time another membered entered the room, the creepy guy gave them a weird stare. Talk about unfriendly, he thought. To escape the uncomfortable vibe, he quickly got into bed and rolled over.

After a fitful night, morning came too soon. His morning ritual was filled with much the same vibe, and Jongin was starting to wonder why SM would even bring in a guy with this type of personality. Of course, Chanyeol didn't let it stop him from being overly friendly. He just didn't know how to be quiet. During that morning's dance practice, Chanyeol kept telling Kyungsoo things like, "Good job!" and "You're catching on quick!" It kind of annoyed Jongin that this Kyungsoo guy barely spit out a "thanks" in return.

With these kinds of thoughts in his head, he was totally surprised when Kyungsoo approached him, looked him directly in the eyes and said, "You're an unbelievable dancer." He just squeaked out a thank you and ducked away. After that, he was self concious as they practiced, thinking about that boy watching him. He was going to have to get one of the others, he decided, to try and find out what makes the guy tick. He resolved to talk to Junmyeon later.

The next day, while he and Chanyeol were out, they ran into Junmyeon on the street. He was with Kyungsoo. Chanyeol wanted them to go eat all together, but Jongin whispered no. He was just too nervous and scared to go, so he was relieved when Chanyeol didn't argue and the two pairs went their separate ways.

Finally, Saturday arrived. After practice, they showered at the SM building and headed back to the dorms to have their promised lunch. Jongin was looking forward to it because they rarely got to eat like this. When the food arrived, they all gathered around the table to claim their slices of pizza. Even though they lived in two different dorms, they often joined together to eat. Jongin saw that since there was no room at the table, Kyungsoo sat on the floor in the corner, away from everyone. Good, he thought. Stay away from me. But his satisfaction was short-lived as Chanyeol sidled up to him and said in his ear, "Hey, let's go eat with Kyungsoo. Get to know him." Jongin knew Chanyeol was doing it to give him a hard time. He enjoyed watching Jongin squirm.

"Um...no, Chanyeol, let's not." he responded.

"Why?"

"He freaks me out."

"Really?" Chanyeol questioned, his eyes wide.

"Yeah, he's got a serial killer vibe about him," Jongin said, giving a little shudder.

Chanyeol laughed. "Look man, I don't think SM hires serial killers. Let's go ask him if he's killed anyone."

"Nah, you go ahead and then tell me all about it later. I'll go sit with the normal people."

"Are there normal people here?" Chanyeol laughed, but Jongin didn't find it funny.

"Okay, you're right," Chanyeol said with a shrug, "he's a little weird, but I'm sure he's harmless. Seriously. Don't be a baby. What are you going to do, avoid him for the rest of your life? How do you plan to debut?" With that said, Chanyeol grabbed Jongin by the wrist and led him over to sit with Kyungsoo, and Jongin just about died.

He was forced by Chanyeol to sit next to the new kid. He nervously picked at his food, stealing side glances at his new teammate. Since Kyungsoo wouldn't look at him, he assumed he didn't want to be bothered, so he sat in silence. When he first bit into his pizza, he burned his tongue. A little "Ah" escaped him, and Kyungsoo looked his way. Then, something interesting happened.

"Be careful," he said, eyes soft.

"Oh," was all Jongin managed, nodding his head. Then, when he had finished his piece, he watched the boy get up, grab another slice of pizza, then bring it back. Only he didn't bite into the slice. Instead, he handed it to Jongin. When he looked up at Kyungsoo, the boy actually gave a little smile and nod, as if to say 'please eat.' Jongin's heart started to beat faster and he felt a weird energy. He smiled back automatically and stammered, "Thank you." 

Kyungsoo continued to look after Jongin during the meal, which he thought was weird. But he didn't protest, and Kyungsoo's actions helped to slowly melt the coldness between them. He was starting to think this guy might not be so bad after all. He felt warm inside, and couldn't help but wonder if they might actually become friends. He was definitely going to have to get to know this guy better. 

Just as he was enjoying being lost in this new feeling, he was rudely pulled out of it by Chanyeol's loud mouth.

"Hey Kyungsoo," he said, leaning over Jongin to look at the new trainee. "Have you ever killed anyone?" 

Jongin choked on his pizza and quickly grabbed his soda. Oh my God, what was he doing?!

"Huh?" Kyungsoo replied, his brows furrowed.

"Uh, I was just wondering if you ever, like, viciously murdered anyone.You know, just for fun."

"No, can't say I have. But I'm considering it at the moment." 

"Ah...," Chanyeol said softly, going back to his meal, then a louder "Ah!" as Jongin used all his finger strength to pinch the hell out his thigh.

KYUNGSOO

With Chanyeol helping break the ice, Kyungsoo settled into the group as they all talked. He learned all kinds of things about the others, including that Kris had lived in Canada, was fluent in English and had a serious girlfriend (but "sshhhh", they told him). He was also told that Tao was good in martial arts, their leader, Junmyeon, came from a rich family and Jongin had studied ballet and was the group's best dancer. Kyungsoo noticed that Jongin didn't offer up that information on his own. He had kept fairly quiet. But the others filled him in a little. He felt himself relishing those tidbits about the pretty dancer more than he should have. As for himself, he didn't give up too much information, but then he was never one to share too much. 

Over time, he became pretty friendly with some of them, especially Chanyeol and Jongin since they were his roommates. Late one night, he and Jongin lay in their beds waiting to get sleepy. Chanyeol had not come to bed yet, so Kyungsoo felt some pressure to make conversation. He didn't quite know what to say though. While his thoughts were brewing, Jongin spoke up. "So, tell me about yourself." Kyungsoo could hear the nervousness in Jongin's voice.

"Um, what do you mean? Like, what do you want to know?" Kyungsoo played with his blanket, anticipating Jongin's question.

"I don't know. Whatever you want to tell me. Everything." Jongin paused. "What makes you happy?"

Well, that's a loaded question, Kyungsoo thought, but I want to tell him. So Kyungsoo proceeded to tell Jongin about some of the things that made life worth living for him: singing, listening to music, movies, quiet, and of course his family. He didn't get too mushy about it, just spelled out the basics. In turn, he found himself asking questions of Jongin. They talked a long time, and he found he didn't feel sleepy at all. He was glad Chanyeol was busy with something else, and they could have this talk. He thought Jongin was beautiful when they first met, but he generally found people to be disappointing, so he hadn't held out much hope for him. He was quickly learning that Jongin was not one of those people. He smiled to himself at the possibility that he might be happy here, spending time working hard with him and the others.

Luckily for Kyungsoo, Jongin continued to warm up to him as time went on, and they became much closer. He wasn't sure why, but he was glad. Maybe it's my undeniable charm, he thought to himself with a laugh. He wasn't fooling himself though. He knew he wasn't the warmest or most welcoming person, especially when first meeting people. But he thought he was a pretty nice guy overall and he was glad Jongin was able to see that. Still, he wasn't sure how close he could get to the boy. It was clear from the beginning, when he first joined as a trainee, that Jongin was good friends with Taemin from Shinee. It didn't bother him at first, because there were lots of friendships among SM artists. As time went on, and he watched Jongin closely, he realized they seemed closer that typical friends. He didn't want it to bother him, but it did. Curiousity about the nature of their relationship began to plague him.


	2. In the Form of Caring

JONGIN

Jongin was starting to feel happy. The group was really coming together, and being able to express himself through his dancing was a great outlet. Plus, he was starting to suspect that Kyungsoo was a big reason he was happy. He loved seeing him every day. Just listening to him speak was like music to his ears. And because the boy was generally reserved and didn't show much emotion, Jongin relished those times that Kyungsoo showed him affection. It could have been his imagination, but he thought maybe he was the only one on the receiving end of that affection. It made the butterflies in his stomach take flight whenever he thought about it.

Just standing close to him lifted his mood, and he started to naturally gravitate to Kyungsoo physically, like a magnet. His fingers itched to stroke his arms, back, hair. He wondered how Kyungsoo felt about that, and could only hope that since he didn't react badly, it meant he didn't mind.

One day at dance practice, he had a sudden pain in his leg and had to stop. As he was bent over to catch his breath and ride out the pain, he felt a light weight on his back. When he turned and saw Kyungsoo at his side, he almost fell over. He managed to smile as his heart started to race.

"Are you okay? Is it bad?" Kyungsoo asked softly, stroking up and down Jongin's back.

Jongin was so stunned at this intimate touch, something very rare for Kyungsoo to do, that he almost couldn't answer.

When Kyungsoo bent down low enough to look into his eyes, he finally blurted out, "I'm good. Thanks." He forced himself to stand up straight. Kyungsoo's hand slid off his back and briefly found one of his hands. The touch was like a secret message, but Jongin wasn't sure how to decode it. He would relive that moment many times over the years to come.

"You're softening him up," Chanyeol said to him quietly, a few minutes later.

"Ah, I don't know about that," he replied before walking away. He wanted to avoid having this kind of conversation with him, but the fact that even he could see it made him feel warm inside.

After that day, he noticed Kyungsoo becoming much more comfortable in touching him. It mostly came in the form of caring for him: fixing a collar, picking specks of fluff off his clothes, eyelashes from his cheeks, or just a soft touch when he was having a hard time. He wondered if this was an overall change in Kyungsoo toward the group, or if it was just for him. After observing him for a while, he realized that, even though Kyungsoo generally cared for the other members, he wasn't the same with them. It made his heart soar, to think this wonderful boy saw him as special. 

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun, a new trainee, joined about a year after Kyungsoo, and around the same time as another new trainee named Jongdae, who SM wanted to be called Chen. Baekhyun was glad he got to keep his own name. He and Jongdae got going on their practices right away. They worked hard not only to get up to speed on the songs and dances, but to fit into the group. It had been a little rocky, especially since he knew he had a temper and could be a little annoying, but he thought it was going pretty well. He was a little envious of how well Jongdae, after his initial shyness, had fit in and gotten along with everyone. Most of all, he was just anxious to debut and wanted everyone to be ready. 

After months of practice with Jongdae and the other boys, Baekhyun thought things were coming along great. He found that Chanyeol was a mischief-maker like he was, and they had a lot of fun. He was starting to feel like he fit in, and was getting excited as they were getting close to their debut. Of course, with twelve of them, cliques were bound to form. He got along particularly well with Yixing, Jongdae and Chanyeol. He also had a lot of affection for Tao and Kyungsoo, but he fought with them a lot. They weren't very fond of his shenanigans, but he got off on it a little. Kyungsoo, for one, hated to be bothered in any way, so he could count on a good reaction. Tao, on the other hand, could sometimes be a princess with an attitude, which rubbed Baekhyun the wrong way. Still, he was starting to see them as friends and brothers. He could see that Kyungsoo had grown very close to Jongin in a way that felt different than the other friendships that had formed. It made him feel weird with jealousy and fear. Jealous because he wanted to be close to someone like that, and fear of how their relationship might affect the group in a negative way.  
~~~~~

One night in the dorm, Baekhyun stumbled out of bed and down the hall, the floor cold on his feet. It was too early to be up, in his opinion, but he had to pee. He rubbed his eyes as he made his way to the bathroom. Through his blurry vision he saw Sehun and Tao huddled together on the couch. He made a detour toward the two boys. "Hey," he said with his voice still full of sleepiness. "Why are you here so early in the morning?" He tapped Tao's foot with his own.

"I stayed last night," Tao answered without looking up from his laptop. 

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to," Tao replied, finally looking up.

"Hmmpf," Baekhyun offered. "What are you guys looking at, porn?"

"What?!" Sehun cried. "We're shopping. We don't do porn."

"Yeah," Tao confirmed. "No porn. Unless you consider Gucci to be porn." He paused and smiled. "I guess I kinda do." His smile widened as Sehun elbowed him in the side.

He glanced at the screen and saw that they were indeed looking at designer bags. They both looked at him with curious eyes. "Do you want one?" Tao asked, smiling at Baekhyun.

"Hmm?" Baekhyun paused. "No." Another pause. "I mean, want what?"

Tao sighed, exasperated. "A bag, dummy. You sat down and started looking."

"Ah. Sorry. I was thinking about something else. No, I don't want a bag. Are you really going to buy one?"

"Maybe. I'm just looking right now. But if I find the perfect bag, I'm going to have to get it."

"With what money?" Baekhyun asked. "We haven't even debuted yet," 

"I have my sources," Tao smiled. 

"Okaaaay..." Baekhyun decided not to pursue it. Rumor was that Tao's family was wealthy, so he assumed that's what his 'source' was. But there was something he was interested in. He had been noticing that these two had a closer than normal connection, and wondered what kind of relationship they had. How to figure it out without just plain asking them was the issue.

"You guys, I have a question." His hand went to his chin, rubbing nervously.

"You want to know where I got all my charm?" Tao asked. Sehun smiled but remained quiet. 

"Um no. Um...nevermind." He got up. "It's nothing."

By the time he got back to his bed he was kicking himself for running off scared before he even got an answer out of them. Damn it. He crawled back into bed and started to tell himself off. What were you even thinking? Does your brain not work properly before 8 am? Can't you mind your own business? And he was bothered by something other than his own stupidity. He didn't really want to admit it to himself, but he was feeling envious. Not because he was romantically interested in either one of them, but because they had each other. Why were they so lucky?


	3. Pirouette à la Seconde

JONGIN

Jongin was relieved that the new guy Jongdae had integrated seemlessly into the group and was a definite asset. Jongin was really impressed with  
his vocals, and the guy seemed pretty nice, too. Baekhyun was a handful, but he thought he was an okay guy. They were now set in their groups, one to promote in Korea and the other to promote in China. He smiled and felt a little shy at the thought of Kyungsoo. He was so happy to be put in the same group as he was. The little guy was even good at dancing, something which Jongin secrectly liked to watch him do.

After a particularly brutal dance practice session in preparation for their upcoming teasers, Jongin wanted to kick back and do nothing for a while. His feet led him to one of the vocal practice rooms. He saw that Jongdae and Baekhyun were each in an individual room, but Kyungsoo was in the larger open room. He was happy to find him there. He sat down on the floor and leaned his back against the wall. When Kyungsoo turned off the music he asked, "Do you mind if I watch you practice?"

"No," Kyungsoo said, looking up at him. "Are you done for the night?"

"Yep."

"Good. I'll finish up soon. Then maybe we can go grab a quick bite to eat."

Jongin laughed.

"What's so funny?" Kyungsoo asked.

"Just that I was scared to eat with you at first," Jongin said. "And now I'm so happy when you want to eat with me." 

Kyungsoo laughed, his cheeks puffing out. "You're a dork. And I think you should still be scared of me." 

Jongin felt sheepish at the comment. He watched Kyungsoo put the music back on, closed his eyes and waited in anticipation. When Kyungsoo started to sing, low and sultry, Jongin opened his eyes and zeroed in on his face. His lips. The way they formed the words. He relished the intoxicating sound coming out of those lips. He wanted that sound to leave Kyungsoo and enter himself. He felt himself getting a little too aroused by the sight in front of him and shifted his position to make it less obvious. Man, this can't happen. It can not happen. He took some deep breaths and looked away from Kyungsoo for a moment. Not helping, not helping! He was starting to panic when he heard the voice of one of their managers outside in the hall. Well, that did it. Scared it right out of me, he thought, amused and horrified at the same time.

"How was that?" Kyungsoo asked when he was finished. 

"Amazing, really. You have no idea."

Kyungsoo smiled. "It's only fair that I get to watch you dance now."

"No way. I'm dead. Besides, you've come and watched me before. You see me dance all the time. So we're even."

"I don't know about that, Jongin." His mouth moved into a lopsided smile. "I'll let you know when we're even. Get up." 

Jongin watched him walk over and offer his hand. He let Kyungsoo help him up, and his heart skipped a beat when their fingers lingered together a little too long. 

"Are you hungry?" Kyungsoo asked. "I suggested we could go eat, but if you're not hungry, or if you already have plans with Taemin, then we don't have to."

What was that about? Jongin thought. "Yeah, I'm hungry. But why are you bringing up Taemin?"

"Didn't you spend the night with him last night? You didn't come home, and I heard you stayed here all night with him."

"Yeah, I was here with him last night. We practiced late and decided to crash in one of the rooms." He tried not to feel annoyed. "And, no, I don't have plans with him. Let's go."

"I know it's not the first time you've stayed out with him. And some people think you guys have something going on. Like you're dating or something."

"Who? Do you think that?" Jongin stood with his hands on his hip, head cocked.

"I'm not sure what I think. I've just heard that rumor among the trainees. If it's not true, you better be careful," Kyungsoo said, grabbing Jongin's arm above the elbow.

"Well, it's not true, if that makes you feel any better." Jongin felt uneasy talking about Taemin, but couldn't help but be pleased with idea that maybe Kyungsoo was asking because he was jealous. "And I don't care what anyone else thinks. Come on, I'm starving."

"No. We can't eat until we're even," Kyungsoo said, his eyes glued to Jongin's. When he looked confused, Kyungsoo added, "I sang for you, remember?"

"What do you, uh, want me to do?" Jongin stammered.

"I've seen you dance a lot, but I've never really seen your ballet dancing. Show me something."

"Ah, this is embarrassing." He broke into his famous smile. "What, just like a spin or something?"

"That's fine." He crossed his arms and waited.

Jongin hid his face in his hands for a moment, then gathered himself together and got in position. He was dead tired, but he was determined to show Kyungsoo something worth seeing. He closed his eyes and slowly started to move across the floor, his toes pointed and his hands graceful. He built up his momentum until he had enough power to launch into a pirouette à la seconde. When he landed he knew had pulled off a nice one, in spite of his exhaustion. "That's it," he told Kyungsoo, walking over and draping his arm around his small friend. "I'm spent." 

"I think we're even," Kyungsoo said, tapping his elbow into his side. 

KYUNGSOO

Later, at the restaurant, they ordered chicken and bubble tea, instead of coffee. They hadn't debuted yet, but some fans knew who they were, so they picked a secluded corner to sit in. They took selcas together and then sent each other the pictures. It was starting to become a habit of theirs. While they ate, they talked about how the members tended to create cliques.

"Kris really likes to spoil Tao, it seems," Jongin said, picking out a piece of meat. "It's nice that Tao's got another Chinese member that takes care of him."

"True. It fits though, if you think about it. Tao is so much like a child sometimes. He needs someone to watch out for him."

Jongin nodded. "He's a nice kid, but I don't always get him."

"Yeah, me neither, but do we really need to?"

"Just enough to get along with him," Jongin said. He shook his bubble tea and lowered his voice. "Kyungsoo, maybe I shouldn't ask, but do you get the vibe that Tao likes guys?"

Kyungsoo bit his lower lip and contemplated. "I guess I never really thought about it, but now that you say it, you could be right. He does kind of act like he has a thing for Sehun - I remember noticing them together when I first met all of you - but I don't know for sure. If he likes guys, is that going to bother you?"

"No," Jongin said straight away. "Not at all. I just wondered, cause if he does it might create trouble. I don't want that for him, or for the group. It could be a disaster. The end before we even really begin."

"Yeah, you're right. We wouldn't want that." Kyungsoo's felt weird, his fingers were tingling and his stomach was nervous. We wouldn't want that.

That conversation would reverberate through his thoughts from that moment onward. It created a little burning panic in the pit of his stomach, which was there even when his mind was occupied with other things. It colored all of his feelings, especially the feelings he had developed for Jongin over time. Feelings that had taken root at their first meeting in the rehearsal hall. Feelings he knew he could never acknowledge.

From then on, he told himself to let his fear rule his heart and body, to keep him away from what he knew was a dangerous situation, but it didn't really work. He still felt warm when Jongin touched him, and got nervous if he stared at him too intensely. His hands still reached out to touch Jongin in little ways, without even thinking about it first. Gravity still pulled him toward Jongin, the planet around whom he orbited.

This push and pull between fear and love - do I love him? he often asked himself - made him a bit paranoid, and he kept his eyes on the other members, looking for tell-tale signs that they were on to him. He did notice odd stares from them, sometimes, but the person who really made him nervous was Baekhyun. That kid was nosier than anyone he'd ever known. Nice guy, really, but frustrating as hell.

One day, as he and Jongin were taking a break from rehearsal, and watching a video of a recent Shinee performance on Jongin's phone, he caught one of Baekhyun's suspicous stares. He couldn't take it anymore, and his mouth flew open.

"What are you staring for?" he asked, trying not to sound paranoid. From the corner of his eye he noticed Jongin look up.

"Nothing," Baekhyun replied, blinking his eyes as if he just woke from a dream. "Was I staring?"

"You're creepy when you stare like that." He shifted his eyes briefly to his left to gauge how much Jongin was paying attention.

"I didn't realize..." Baekhyun trailed off limply, before perking up again. "Anyway, you've got me beat in the staring department, so I don't know how you have room to talk."

"Well, stop staring. If there's something you want to know, then ask. Don't be a creeper." He watched Baekhyun leave, then leaned back in his seat and motioned to Jongin with his hand to start the video again. The video began to play, but he didn't really see it. His mind was somewhere else. Seeing Taemin in the video now, and hearing Jongin praise him, jealousy stabbed at him again. He wanted to be the one that was closest to Jongin. He dismissed it as juvenile and tried to ignore it. Deciding he'd leave it alone for now, he resolved to keep his ears and eyes open, just in case Jongin lied to him about their relationship. If he could get pieces of info from staying aware, he might figure it all out without making a fool of himself.


	4. I'm Glad You Did It

JONGIN

The boys had all worked so hard, and Jongin was excited that they had finally reached the time they were waiting for.

"Kyungsoo," Jongin said, watching Kyungsoo play with his phone. "Kyungsoo...Kyungsoo." He brought his head down a little to look into Kyungsoo's eyes. Finally, he got his attention.

"Hmm," Kyungsoo hummed.

"We're going to debut," Jongin said matter-of-factly, then broke into a bright smile when he looked up at him. "Wow. It doesn't seem real, but it's happening." 

Kyungsoo smiled back at him and nodded. "We've worked hard for it." Jongin nodded in agreement and, bursting with affection for this adorable boy, reached over and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Gah! What did I walk in on?!" Baekhyun asked as he entered the room. Jongin just rolled his eyes. Baekhyun was always trying to push the members' buttons, but he tried to let it roll off his back. He knew Kyungsoo could get flustered, so he glanced to check his reaction. Nothing. Jongin was relieved. Just then, all of the other members walked in followed by the managers. Jongin figured there must be some kind of announcement. He hoped it was good. 

"Don't tell me," Baekhyun said with a beaming smile. "Kyungsoo's getting kicked out because he's wanted by the law, and we need to replace him before we debut. Damn it, D.O., why do you have to make so much trouble?" Out of the corner of his eye, Jongin saw Kyungsoo's hand fly out to hit Baekhyun on the thigh. Hard. Baekhyun continued to smile, but he was fiercely rubbing his leg. He just never learns, he thought.

Actually, the announcement was pretty boring. They just introduced some new manager who was going to help with making sure the members knew their schedules and had their basic daily needs met. Kind of an assistant to the already established managers. The only difference was that this new one was a woman. Her name was Ana. Jongin thought it was unusual for them to have a female manager, but he didn't mind. They worked with tons of female staff in other roles, so he thought it was no big deal.

The members all said hello politely, but Jongin noticed many of the members were staring at her with wide eyes. Ha ha, he thought, they're smitten already. Jongin understood why, she really was very pretty. And she didn't look much older than them. In her twenties, surely. But her magic didn't work on him. She just wasn't his type. At all.

Jongin turned to Kyungsoo, eager to pick up clues about what he likes. "What do you think of her?" 

"I don't know. I hope she's nice, that's all. I hope she's not a wolf in pretty girl's clothing."

Jongin giggled. "Aaaaoooooo!" he called, continuing to laugh. 

"Oh, shut up," Kyungsoo said, covering Jongin's mouth lightly with his palm. Jongin, rather than being annoyed, just smiled under Kyungsoo's hand.

"You're cute," he said, muffled by the hand. He was secretly happy that Kyungsoo hadn't fawned over the new girl.

Kyungsoo removed his hand. "Don't tell anyone."

 

KYUNGSOO

Once they debuted, things went into overdrive. Not only did they have music show performances, but they also had other schedules including interviews. Kyungsoo hated the interviews. He hated being on the spot, something he shared with Minseok, and he often got tripped up on his words. Besides, embarrassing stuff always happened. Forced to do aegyo and asked questions about his ideal type and all that. It was a vicious cycle of embarrassment. Jongin, who was more self-assured, gave him little pep talks sometimes. "You're cute, Kyungsoo. And nice. People like you, so don't worry," he would say. It gave Kyungsoo a warmth in his belly, but he still didn't have the confidence.

One day, before a radio program with Super Junior's Shindong, Jongin tried to give him a lecture. "Kyungsoo" he said, grabbing his hand, "let's do the program without worries. Sure, I guess we have to make sure we don't upset the company, but let's just think how the fans love us no matter what. Even if we mess up."

"Do they?" Kyungsoo asked, genuinely curious.

"You don't think they do?" Jongin asked, cocking his head.

"I think they love us," Kyungsoo said, shuffling his feet. "But not unconditionally. There's a limit."

"What kind of limit?" Jongin gave his hand a squeeze.

"Well, do you think we can say and do whatever we want and they won't turn against us? Look at what's happened to some of our seniors. Fans can be scary."

"True," Jongin admitted. "But we shouldn't just stop living. Taemin said he and the other Shinee members used to be scared to say or do anything, but they kept going. He's more relaxed now, and they doing so well. He says to be careful, but to not give in to fear."

"If we're fearless, won't we do something we'll regret? Won't we be torn to pieces if we aren't careful?" Kyungsoo didn't like hearing Taemin's name, and he started to feel tense at the serious and philosophical turn the conversation was taking. Sometimes he felt he thought too much, or too deeply. He often wished he could worry less, and be more carefree. At the same time, Jongin was one of the few people he could have deep discussions with, and he liked it. He couldn't talk like this with just anyone. 

"Mmmm, yeah, you're right. We have to be careful, for sure. It's a trade-off. We need fans, so we have to give them a piece of ourselves, even if it's risky. We can't just find a cave, hide, and give them nothing, can we?"

"I kinda like the cave idea," Kyungsoo teased with a smile.

"Well, come out of your cave once in a while, okay? We can keep some things to ourselves, but don't be afraid to be yourself out there." He pulled him into a hug and stroked the back of his head.

Kyungsoo was shocked at the move, but nodded shyly against Jongin's shoulder. "I'll try."

"I think I might need to train those fans not to bite you," Jongin said as he continued to hold onto Kyungsoo.

At this, Kyungsoo felt himself redden and his ears burn. Jongin was the one he felt most comfortable with, but he was also the one that could really make him blush.

Later, on the radio program, he was keeping Jongin's words in mind. He made more of an effort to answer questions without clamming up, and was feeling okay, but then came a moment when he felt he blew it. They asked the members who they thought was the most handsome out of the group. Feeling brave, he had written down his honest answer - Jongin. As Shindong read the answers, he realized there was one vote for each member except for himself, and there were two for Jongin. Oh God, he thought. Unforunately, Shindong caught on to what had happened, as did the other members. They pointed out, on air, that Kyungsoo had voted for Jongin while everyone else voted for themselves. So embarrassing! But in the midst of his embarrassment, he looked over at Jongin and saw him smiling, like he was happy. His stomach did a flop. He was lost after that and couldn't concentrate at all.

After the show, when they had a moment alone, Jongin told him, "Way to be brave." Kyungsoo felt a pleasant chill as Jongin gave him a squeeze on the neck and caressed his back. He secretly loved Jongin's touches. A tingling feeling hit thrilled him ont the inside, but he always maintained his composure on the outside. Well, most of the time.

"Jongin, I didn't mean...," Kyungsoo started. But he didn't know what he meant, so he kept his mouth shut.

"Don't worry about it. Doesn't matter. I'm glad you did it," Jongin said with a smile. He walked away leaving Kyungsoo dumbfounded.


	5. You Make Me Kind of Nervous

JONGIN

It was all Jongin could do to keep from laying a kiss on Kyungsoo after the radio show. What a cutie! he thought. He was so happy that Kyungsoo had chosen him. He was sure this meant something, and was giddy inside. As they sat in the van on the way back to the dorm, he felt antsy. He couldn't wait until he had some private time to find out more about how Kyungsoo felt. 

When they returned to the dorm, everyone scattered. Tao and Sehun were being loud and giggly, as usual, but Jongin noticed Baekhyun chatting with them. Curious, he watched for a moment. He saw Baekhyun grab a couple of bottles from the fridge and offer them to Tao and Sehun. Alcohol? Wtf? As Baekhyun walked back in the kitchen, Jongin asked him, "Why are you giving the babies alcohol? Do you think that's a good idea?"

"You're not so far from them, Jongin, and you drink sometimes. Let the boys have some fun." Baekhyun got a conspiratorial look on his face and lowered his voice, "Besides, I want to see what happens when they've had a few. We don't have a schedule in the morning so this is a good time."

"What do you expect to happen?" Jongin stripped off his shirt to get more comfortable, and ran his fingers through his hair to tame it. "Do you think they're gonna dance on the table or something?"

"No, but it'd be funny if they did." He did a little wiggle dance, then pretended to snap a photo. "I'll make sure to have my phone ready." He smiled and shrugged. "Really I just want to see what happens between them. They might spill some secrets." He rubbed his hands together.

"Oh God, Baekhyun, don't start trouble. Just leave them alone, will you?"

"I certainly will not," he said, crossing his arms stubbornly. "And get your nipples away from me. They're traumatizing."

Jongin, having had his fill of Baekhyun's nonsense, shook his head and left the room. What an idiot, he thought. But as he entered his bedroom and saw Kyungsoo there, sitting on the bed fidgeting with his phone, he began to see the brilliance of Baekhyun's plan. Not to get Kyungsoo drunk, but to maybe have a drink to loosen himself up. Liquid courage.

"Kyungsoo, are you sleepy?"

"No, not really, what's up?" He put his phone down and looked at Jongin expectantly.

"Since we don't have a schedule in the morning, do you want to maybe have snacks and watch a movie?"

"Hmm, okay. Let me get changed. Go grab the stuff, whatever you want, and I'll pick a movie. Any suggestions?"

"No, you pick." He spun on his toes to leave the room. He was so happy! He'd watched movies in bed with Kyungsoo before, but tonight he hoped to have the courage to let him know how he felt. His insides went all fluttery at the thought.

In the kitchen he started gathering the items in a basket so he could carry it all at once. He jumped and just about dropped everything when he heard "What are you doing?" in his ear. It was that pest, Baekhyun. 

Jongin glanced sideways. "Getting some snacks, is that okay with you?"

"Sure. Alcohol, I see. Seems like I'm not the only one with ideas." Jongin slapped at Baekhyun's arm as the boy poked him in the side.

"Like you said, no early schedule. Might as well enjoy it. The opportunity doesn't come along very often. Good luck with your mission." He turned to go and heard Baekhyun call behind him, "You too!"

Jongin returned to the bedroom and plopped the basket on the bed. "Did you pick something out?"

"I'm thinking the most recent 'Pirates of the Caribbean' - what do you think?"

"Fine. We haven't seen it yet." Jongin really didn't care which movie Kyungsoo picked, as long as they got to spend time together.

"Okay, let me pull it up." 

As Kyungsoo set up the movie to play, Jongin set the basket on the nightstand and crawled into bed next to him. As the movie opened, he grabbed a bottle. Kyungsoo shook his head no when he offered him one.

Jongin thought the movie was kind of funny, and he held his breath each time Kyungsoo laughed and put his head on his shoulder. By the time he was done with his drink, they were hardly paying attention to the plot and instead were giving running commentaries on the movie's various silly scenes. After one of Jack Sparrow's dumbhead moves, Kyungsoo commented, "What'd he do that for? What an idiot." This made Jongin laugh and say, "Yeah, but he's cute so it's okay."

"What?" Kyungsoo asked. Jongin could see his side-eye glance of mock disgust.

"What...what?"

"You think looks are all that matters? You can be an idiot but get by 'cause you're good looking?" Kyungsoo turned to face him directly. "Jongin, you're amazing looking, but you wouldn't be here now if you were stupid."

"Mmmm," was all he could get out. He didn't know what to say, and he could feel his face turning red. "What do you mean 'wouldn't be here'?" he managed to ask. "Here as in with EXO, or here in your bed?"

Jongin squirmed as Kyungsoo paused the movie and stared directly into his eyes. "Both."

"Oh..." He felt like he was going to pee his pants from nervousness. What he said could mean all kinds of things, but he was too scared to ask any more questions. Another drink, he thought, and reached for the bottle Kyungsoo had refused. Kyungsoo grabbed the bottle first, took a few swigs of it, then handed it to him. They restarted the movie and Jongin felt himself settle into Kyungsoo a little. During a slow part, he found the courage to ask, "Kyungsoo, what do you think of me?"

"I don't know what you mean." He sounded a little sleepy to Jongin.

"Well, you chose me as best looking at the radio show today, and you said I wouldn't be in your bed if I was stupid." He was staring intently at Kyungsoo's face, to catch any reaction. So far nothing. "So does me being in your bed mean anything?" He saw Kyungsoo swallow hard. Finally, something. 

"It can't mean anything, Jongin. I just said it, that's all." He was disappointed, but he wasn't ready to give up. He felt for Kyungsoo's hand, brushing against his naked thigh in the process. Kyungsoo never liked to wear bottoms in bed, just shorts at the most. Touching his leg like that made his mind go blank, but he found his hand and grasped it. He took a deep silent breath to come back to himself. 

"Kyungsoo, it's me," he said, almost a whisper. "Don't be secretive. I just want to know what you think of me." He was entirely too close to Kyungsoo's face now, staring at his lips from the side. "Like, am I just an okay guy you hang out with because I'm in the same group as you? Would you want to be around me if we were just regular guys? Do I make you nervous?" He swallowed. "Cause you make me kind of nervous." Stop rambling, he told himself.

He took the fact that Kyungsoo had not removed his hand as a good sign, but was still anxious for an answer. He stroked Kyungsoo's hand with his thumb. He placed his lips against Kyungsoo's ear. "You can tell me." Finally, Kyungsoo turned to him, looking first at his mouth and then directly into his eyes.

"I...," was all Jongin heard. He thought there might have been more, but Kyungsoo's voice had faded off so softly he couldn't be sure over the sound of the movie. He removed his hand from Kyungsoo's and trailed it up his arm and coming to rest by grasping his bicep. Not much muscle there, but he loved the feel of it. Soft and warm.

"Hmmm?" Jongin hummed inquisitively. They continued to stare. There was a faint smell of alcohol on Kyungsoo's breath. It was something he would normally be averse to, but with Kyungsoo everything was intoxicating. He still had a hold of Kyungsoo's arm, and he used this to pull Kyungsoo even closer. He couldn't resist that face, those lips. He felt his lips, almost as a surprise to himself, come into contact with Kyungsoo's. Gently and softly, he kissed him. A very chaste kiss. He wasn't about to push his luck. But just that little kiss about sent him to the moon. He searched Kyungsoo's face for a reaction. He saw that his round eyes had widened. Before he could say anything, Kyungsoo hauled off and smacked him in the arm. His own hand went to the spot where he had been hit. It wasn't a hit meant to do damage, so it hurt his feelings more than anything. He knew Kyungsoo had been shocked.

"I'm sorry," Jongin offered. His stomach was sinking from disappointment.

"Your question..." Kyungsoo spit out, looking at Jongin through half-lidded eyes."What I want doesn't matter." His speech was slow and hazy, like it was hard for him to say the words.

"Yes it does, Kyungsoo. It does to me." He threw the covers back, rose up on his knees, and fought off a sudden need to escape.

"No, it doesn't. It really doesn't." And with that Kyungsoo started shoving the snack wrappers off of the bed. He turned the movie off and crawled under the covers. "I want to go to sleep now. Go away."

"O-Okay," Jongin said. "I'll go to bed, too. Goodnight." He got up and went to his own bed. Not quite was I was hoping for. Stupid me. It was these kinds of thoughts that swirled around in his mind as he drifted off to sleep.

KYUNGSOO

At the sounds of the others milling around the apartment, Kyungsoo started to rouse and was surprised by how light it was in his room. Must be late, he thought. He rolled over to check his phone and caught sight of various snack wrappers. They surprised him, momentarily, until the night before started to come back to him. He froze, a feeling of dread creeping up on him. He sat up abruptly. "Ahhhh!" he spit out while smacking the sides of his head. Unfortunately, it was just as Chanyeol entered the room.

"Whoah there, tiger," he said, laughing. "What did you do to deserve that?"

"I don't know," Kyungsoo grumbled. 

"Well, take it easy on yourself. You might hurt that pea brain of yours," Chanyeol teased as he ruffled Kyungsoo's hair. He slapped it away.

He saw Chanyeol looking at the wrappers. "Have a snack-fest did we?" he asked.

"I guess."

"You guess?" Chanyeol asked, his eyebrows raised. "It's not a difficult question, really."

"Whatever," Kyungsoo said, dismissive. He climbed out of bed, slipped on his sweatpants and padded out of the room. He approached the closest bathroom in hopes of peeing, but it was occupied. He continued on to the kitchen to get some juice. He wanted something to perk his brain up. As he passed the common room he saw Tao and Sehun sprawled across the L-shaped couch, dead to the world. Guess I'm not the only one who had an interesting night, he thought. In the kitchen he found Junmyeon and Jongin. 

"Good morning," the leader said, cheerfully. 

"Good morning," Jongin added, much less cheerfully and with barely a glance at Kyungsoo.

"Uh, morning," Kyungsoo replied. "I don't know how good it is."

"You know, that's one of the things I love about you, Kyungsoo," Junmyeon said, playfully. "Your un-ending good mood and positive outlook." To this Kyungsoo only grunted. He approached the refrigerator to grab the juice, which meant he had to stand next to Jongin. He gave him a side glance to catch his vibe and felt all kinds of tension.

"Sorry," Jongin said as he moved over a few paces.

"Uh, you're not in my way." He touched Jongin lightly on the elbow.

"Oh."

"Hey, Jongin," he started, then suddenly stopped. His heart started pounding. "Uhhh, last night..." he said softly, looking at the floor.

Jongin gave him a quick poke on the arm. "Can we have this conversation later?" He said, nodding his head slightly toward their leader in an I-don't-want-him-to-hear kind of way. "I want to see if Baekhyun is out of the shower so I can hop in."

"Okay," Kyungsoo said, getting Jongin's drift. As Jongin and Junmyeon started to leave, Baekhyun strode in, flopping his wet hair around. "Okay, I'm out!" he announced, grabbing Jongin's arm and looking at both Jongin and Kyungsoo. "Whichever of you wants in next, now's your chance! Unless, of course, you want to go together." Kyungsoo wanted to punch Baekhyun when he threw a wink his way.

"Go ahead, Jongin," Kyungsoo said, and watched him walk to the bathroom. Then his head whipped around to Baekhyun. "Why do you always have something to say?" He began to drink his juice quickly so he could escape.

"Well, after last night," Baekhyun teased as he cracked a few eggs in a pan. "I just thought you might want to share."

Kyungsoo grabbed his arm tight. "What do you mean 'after last night'?"

Baekhyun turned to him and shook his hand off. "I don't know. You tell me. How did it go?"

"How did it go? How did hanging out and watching a movie go? What do you even mean?"

"Oh, that's all you did is watch a movie?" Baekhyun asked, sounding disappointed. "Well, then, nevermind." He went back to tending his eggs.

"Why are you so interested in my private life anyway? Do I ask you what you do when you stay somewhere else for the night?"

Baekhyun's eyes went wide. "Nooooo," he said cautiously.

"I don't ask because it's none of my business. Besides, I know where you go, and I can safely assume what you're doing. Why would I want the details?"

Baekhyun laughed. "Yeah, maybe the details would freak you out." He took a sip of water. "Come to think of it, I think your details might freak me out."

"I don't know what goes on in your head sometimes," Kyungsoo said, shaking his head as he left the kitchen. 

"Wonderful things!" Baekhyun called out.


	6. Taken By You

JONGIN

Jongin didn't know what to do. He paced around the room, wringing his hands. What do I do? What do I say?

"Hey!" he heard as Chanyeol popped in.

"Oh, hey. Did you have fun last night?" Jongin asked, just to make conversation. He stopped pacing and stood there not knowing what to do with himself.

"Totally. We ate sooo much. Just had a lot of fun running around. Had some fans follow us for a while, but they didn't get too wild." He threw his bag onto his bed.

"Well, that's cool," Jongin said, looking down at his feet.

Chanyeol started to pull things out of his bag, tossing them on the bed. "But Jongin, did something happen to Kyungsoo last night? He seemed all weird this morning."

"Ah, I'm not sure what's wrong with him." He unconsciously went back to pacing.

"Okay," Chanyeol said. "Try to lighten him up a bit before tonight's schedule."

"Mmm hmm."

He tensed up as Chanyeol clapped him on the shoulder on his way out. Shit, he thought. I don't think I'll be lightening him up at all. Resigned to his fate, he sat on the bed and waited for Kyungsoo, playing out various scenarios in his head. None of them turned out well.

As Kyungsoo returned to the room, he knew the time had come. In the midst of his nervousness, he still couldn't help but think how good Kyungsoo looked with wet hair. He stared silently for a moment, then shook his head and cleared his throat. Kyungsoo looked at him expectantly.

"So," Jongin began, "you should probably sit down." As Kyungsoo made to sit near him, Jongin's sense of self preservation took over and he directed Kyungsoo across the room. "Um, it's probably best if you sit over there." He didn't want to be within hitting distance.

"Why did you think it was okay to kiss me?" Kyungsoo asked as soon as he sat down.

Just like him to be so direct. "Well, I thought I was getting the green light." He waited for a response, but Kyungsoo just stared. "We were holding hands...you were looking at me." He pressed on against his better judgment. "And your eyes. I just got kind of taken by you. So..."

"Taken?" Kyungsoo asked, his voice low.

"So," Jongin continued, ignoring him. "I ended up...kissing you. A little."

Jongin was surprised when Kyungsoo grabbed a pillow and crossed the room.

"A little? What...are...you...fucking...talking...about?!" He punctuated each word with a pillow-hit to Jongin's side. He raised his hands to stop the blows. Granted, it was just a pillow, and it didn't hurt, but he didn't like it.

"I'm sorry! Stop it!" Jongin pleaded. "You already smacked me last night and I got your meaning loud and clear, so we're even."

Kyungsoo stood over Jongin. "I don't remember that part. I must have been too shocked." He sighed. "I'm sorry I hit you, but Jesus, Jongin, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking, obviously. I was buzzed." Jongin paused, unsure whether to continue. "Sometimes, I don't think you realize how attractive you are."

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and sat down next to him. "Oh, please. I was just so attractive you couldn't resist? And using a little alcohol as an excuse? Take responsibility for yourself."

"I do. It was my choice, alcohol or not. I'm just saying that sometimes I feel...things. And alcohol has nothing to do with it." He was starting to get annoyed, and sat up straighter. "And while we're talking about responsibility, why don't you take some for yourself? Maybe I read too much into stuff, but the way you act around me makes me think you might have feelings for me too. But then when I make a move, you act like I did something horrible. How is that fair to me? Make up your mind about what you want. Don't act like you like me if you don't." He saw Kyungsoo's irritated look and stood up, his palms out. "But don't worry. I know I was wrong. My lips will stay far away from yours." He smiled to lighten the mood, but he only got a scowl in return. "Well, okay, you can hate me."

"Good."

~~~

Although they still roomed together, Jongin's relationship with Kyungsoo had changed over the few days after the kiss. It became colder. He wasn't sure if Kyungsoo actually hated him, but he certainly seemed to. Oh, he was still professional about everything, and was pretty civil, so it wasn't like a war zone or anything. But the light of their friendship had definitely dimmed. It made him sad, but also angry. After everything, he thought, he throws me away for one little mistake. How could he? 

The others had noticed it, too. Occasionally, one of them would ask Jongin what was wrong and if they were fighting. He never knew what to say, so he usually just mumbled something about them being tired. He really didn't think they believed it, but what could he do? Spill all the beans? No, absolutely not. He didn't know if they asked Kyungsoo about it, but he doubted it. Kyungsoo wasn't always easy to approach, and he figured if they asked he wouldn't say much. It was a pretty effective way of keeping people at a distance. Unfortunately, he now knew that personally.

Just the day before, after one of their performances, he had made an effort to soften things between them by complimenting Kyungsoo. "Wow, Kyungsoo," he said, "you were were really on point today." Lame, he knew, but he was trying.

"Thanks," Kyungsoo had replied, without enthusiasm. 

Another time, he saw Kyungsoo in the kitchen cooking, which he always found cute. His feelings swelled and he couldn't help but approach. Coming up behind him he had stroked Kyungsoo's back and asked him what he was cooking. Kyungsoo had actually stepped away from his touch and said, "Nothing much."

Jongin thought of how things were now and assumed Kyungsoo had made up his mind about what he wanted. He felt the urge to cry. Damn it, Kyungsoo. Stop being an asshole! He wanted to throw his hands up and scream at the top of his lungs. He was so frustrated that he decided he was done trying. Two can play at the cold shoulder game, he thought. Fuck him if he wants to blow me off. 

So for the next couple of days he refused to speak to Kyungsoo unless it was absolutely necessary for work. They both received a lot of stares from the others as they noticed the increase of tension. Junmyeon eventually approached him.

"Jongin, let's talk a minute."

"What about?" He crossed his arms, not really wanting to talk.

"About what's going on between you and Kyungsoo," Junmyeon said, and then quickly, before Jongin could reply: "And don't say there's nothing going on. You've been blowing steam up our asses, but we're not stupid."

"Uh..."

"I thought we should leave you guys alone to work it out. I told them not to press you, but now it's gotten too ridiculous. You're not even really talking to each other."

"His choice not mine," Jongin responded sullenly. He looked down and shuffled his feet.

"Well, I'll have to talk to him too."

"Good luck with that."

"But seriously, what the hell is going on? This is beyond the fights our members usually have."

"I honestly can't tell you what's going on. I can't. Trust me on this. But I'll make an effort to get along with him. I want to get along. But he has to make the effort. I've been trying and getting nowhere. It's all up to him now."


	7. Sometimes I Hate You

KYUNGSOO

Late that evening, while Kyungsoo was organizing his room, Junmyeon popped his head in the door. "Still up?" he asked.

"Yeah. Just cleaning up a little. It's been hard to keep it organized since we've been so busy." He took a quick peek at Junmyeon's face to feel him out. Damn, it's something serious, he thought. "What's up?"

"Well, I just wanted to check in with you. There's some tension going on around here, and it involves you. Didn't really want to address it at the team meeting, so I thought I'd talk to you in private." He shut the door and sat down on Chanyeol's bed. "You want to tell me why you seem angry these days?"

"I'm not angry." He gave his head a small shake and turned away.

"Don't bullshit me, Kyungsoo. I wasn't born yesterday. And I live with you. It's obvious that something is bothering you."

Kyungsoo kept his back to his leader, and busied himself with some clothes on his bed. "I guess I'm having a hard time getting used to having so many schedules, traveling all the time, not getting enough sleep. You know, all that idol stuff."

Junmyeon crossed his arms. "More bullshit."

Kyungsoo threw the black shirt he was holding onto the bed and turned to face Junmyeon, his eyes fierce. "What do you want? Do you want me to pour my heart out to you or something?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, I don't like to broadcast my feelings to everyone." His face was stone.

"First of all, you already are, because we all know you're mad and upset," Junmyeon said, his face clearly showing his exasperation. "Second, I'm not everyone. I'm your leader. It's my job to make sure we're a team, that we understand and support each other. You're making that very difficult right now."

Kyungsoo's face fell a little, realizing that he had been, in a sense, letting his leader down. "Just me? I'm making things difficult?"

"No," Junmyeon sighed. "Not just you. We all have our problems. But your problem appears to be tied to Jongin's problem. Would you agree?"

Kyungsoo finally gave up on the idea of Junmyeon leaving him alone and sat on the bed. "I suppose he's got a problem with me."

"Which is?" Junmyeon's eyebrows went up expectantly.

"Mmm, I guess I'm not what he wants me to be."

"Can you be a little more specific?"

"No."

"Well," he said, standing up, "I can see that I'm going to get about as far with you as I did with him. All I've got to say is, you two better work it out before it gets to management. I'm sure you don't want that. In the meantime, do you want to switch rooms?"

"No, it's fine," Kyungsoo said, going back to his cleaning. "At least Jongin is clean. And he's not as noisy and annoying as Sehun or Baekhyun."

"Good. And don't stay up too late," Junmyeon warned as he waved a goodbye.

"Yeah, whatever," Kyungsoo mumbled under his breath as he continued to busy himself. Cleaning and organizing had always helped him think. Unlike the chaos of their normally busy schedule, it was methodical, and so it helped his mind think rationally. Cleaning now was allowing his mind to clear a bit. He thought hard on the problem at hand, and was actually starting to feel a little guilty. What was Jongin's crime? That he'd given him a little kiss? Shit, people did stupid stuff all the time. And who else should you feel comfortable being stupid with but your best friend? Besides, he missed Jongin. He missed their closeness. Sure, he was close to some of the others, but nothing compared to what he had with Jongin. And without him he felt empty and cold. He wanted his old Jongin back. But after being so cold to him, he wasn't sure how to go about it. 

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun had a nasty cold, and wasn't looking forward to their trip to Beijing. Feeling blah, he absentmindedly made to sit in the back of the van for their trip to the airport. Kyungsoo shoved him away with his hip. He gave Kyungsoo a what-the-hell look, but Kyungsoo just nodded his head in the other direction, like scram, this is my territory. He moved to a seat further up, but turned back to watch. Ah, he thought, Jongin is back there. Makes sense now. He knew there was a struggle going on and, though he was curious about it all, he wanted to give them their space to work it out. Those two are made for drama, he thought. "Too bad we don't have a curtain in the van, you know, to give you two in the back some privacy." Baekhyun teased.

"True," Kyungsoo replied. "That way I wouldn't have to see your ugly face."

"Okay, be like that," Baekhyun said, turning his back to them. He smiled to himself. Man, Kyungsoo is the best.

Interrupting the fog of his cold, Sehun plopped down next to him. "If I'm going to sit next to you," he said, "keep your germs away from me. Like, don't cough or sneeze. And don't touch me."

"Okay, your highness. I won't breathe on you either. I'll just hold my breath 'til we get there." Baekhyun took in a big breath and puffed his cheeks out, but wasn't able to hold it because he couldn't stop from laughing. "I don't want to get you sick, cause then Tao would get sick and we'd all start falling like dominoes."

Sehun side-eyed him, looked around for the manager, then lowered his voice. "What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing. Just that I don't want you two to get sick. Why, what else could I mean?"

"Don't play innocent. You've been making suggestive comments to me and Tao for a while now, but you never actually say what you really mean," Sehun said, sounding more serious than usual. "What are you trying to get at?"

"I'm not trying to get at anything. I know everything I need to know."

"And what do you know?"

"I know," Baekhyun said, leaning over and lowering his voice to a whisper, "that you and Tao are a thing." He knew this was a dangerous conversation, and was glad to see everyone else either occupied with their own conversations, or with their headphones on.

"A thing?" Sehun asked, nervousness creeping into his voice.

"Well, 'thing' as in couple." Baekhyun sent a smug smile Sehun's way.

"I'm not falling for your bait, Baekhyun," Sehun said, whispering in his torturer's ear.

"It's not bait," Baekhyun countered. "Tao told me all about it. I'm just letting you know I know."

"Tao...?"

Baekhyun flashed his smile again. "Yep. I'm happy for you, really. You make a cute couple. Being all tall and shopping-obsessed together. Anyone could guess, though. I didn't really need Tao to tell me. I pretty much already knew. I just needed to confirm it, and Tao obliged."

Sehun's eyebrows lifted in disbelief. "He told you, just like that?"

"Well, the alcohol helped, but yeah."

Sehun looked crestfallen. "The night you were drinking with us?"

"Yep. You two were so cute." He made to pinch Sehun's cheek but was slapped away.

"What did we...nevermind. I don't want to know." He elbowed Baekhyun. "You're such a jerk."

"Me? How am I the jerk? Tao's the one who spilled his guts." He giggled.

"I'm sure you encouraged him," Sehun accused.

"You're right. But, seriously, it's pretty obvious. Everyone else just ignores it, but I wanted to know for sure because I hate not knowing what's going on around me. Now I do." He rubbed his hands together.

"What are you going to do about it?" Sehun asked, sounding nervous again.

"Oh, nothing. I didn't want to know so I could blackmail you or anything. I was just curious, that's all. To be honest, I'm happy for you. You're stuck in this group without much chance to meet up with other people. So it's perfect. You get to spend a lot of time with someone you love. I kinda wish I liked one of the members at this point."

"You're an idiot." Sehun laughed. "Are you going to tell?"

"I don't see why I should. But, Sehun, you two aren't hiding it very well, if that's what you're trying to do. Maybe the others are just trying to overlook it because they don't want to believe it."

"I don't think it'd go over very well if the company officially knew, would it?"

"Well, I don't know. I actually think they're kind of okay if you can keep everything out of the public eye." He placed a hand on Sehun's knee in a comforting gesture.

"Okay, what did you do with the real Baekhyun?"

"Haha, it's me, silly. I do have a heart, you know.' He tapped his chest with his palm.

Sehun pulled Baekhyun's shirt out and peeked in. "If you say so," Sehun said, amused. "Does that mean we have your approval? Not that we need it, but..."

"Sure. And I think I'm about to have to approve of another two here, pretty soon, if they can get their shit together." Baekhyun turned to look at Jongin and Kyungsoo in the back and laughed at the possibility.

JONGIN

Jongin was annoyed as he saw Kyungsoo fighting his way to the back of the van. Why is he coming back here to sit next to me? Stupid. To his surprise, Kyungsoo said "hello" and smiled when he sat down.

"Mmmm," was all Jongin could manage. He could sense Kyungsoo fidgeting.

"Did you sleep well?" Kyungsoo asked gently.

"Why are you talking to me?" The annoyance in his voice was obvious, even to himself.

"I shouldn't talk to you?" Kyungsoo asked with unease, keeping his voice to a near whisper so the others wouldn't hear.

"Well, you've been ignoring me, and I don't see how anything has changed."

"I guess I want to talk to you, is all," Kyungsoo said in a small voice.

"Not here, cause I don't think you want things to blow up in this van." He was pissed and knew it wouldn't go well if he didn't cut this conversation off.

"Ok, I guess that's safer." He made eye contact. "Later?"

~~~

Once they arrived at the hotel and put their stuff in their rooms, Jongin got a text from Kyungsoo asking to see him. Uneasy, he replied that he'd come to his room. When he got there, he noticed that the hard edge Kyungsoo had been wearing on his face these days had softened.

"I'm glad you came," he said, softly. "I kicked Baekhyun out so we could really talk."

He was still mad. "Oh, so Master Kyungsoo has spoken. Today he has lowered himself to speak to me." Jongin turned and stared into his eyes. "Today only?"

"Stop being sarcastic."

"Keep my mouth shut when you don't want to talk to me, but speak when you tell me to? And speak the way you want me to? Do you really think you're my master?" He was nervous, because he wasn't used to being mad at Kyungsoo, but the words just flowed out.

"Oh my God, Jongin, you're so dramatic." He put his head in his hands, clearly frustrated.

"Sarcastic, dramatic, whatever. How about pissed off? How about broken? And miserable?"

Kyungsoo lifted his head to look at Jongin, but kept his mouth shut. He knew he deserved this.

"You walk around," Jongin continued, "passing judgement and handing out punishment without a thought to anyone else. Like my actions are transgressions beyond forgiveness, but I'm supposed to drop to my knees and thank you for deigning to talk to me?"

"That's not it...," Kyungsoo managed to get out. "Jongin, let me--"

"Fuck you."

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo was stunned into silence. He knew Jongin was upset with him, but he never imaged he would say something like that. It almost pissed him off enough to stop talking to him again. But he reminded himself not to be an asshole.

He noticed that Jongin shifted around in his chair, clearly nervous. 

"Jongin...," Kyungsoo attempted, but Jongin wouldn't look at him. Shit, he thought. He's really pissed at me this time. He sat on his bed and stared straight ahead, contemplating the situation.

He sat for a while, thinking of what he might do to fix the situation. He wasn't really good at begging, since he didn't have enough practice at it. Being wrong killed him and he didn't handle it very well. Why was Jongin making this so difficult for him? He was supposed the be the one who was there for him no matter what. He was getting mad all over again just thinking about it. He turned to Jongin, who was still staring at the floor.

"Look," he said, "don't be so stubborn. Will it kill you to talk to me right now?"

"It might. I'm already dying inside."

Kyungsoo felt his heart break at those words. "I'm sorry. Is it because of me?"

"I could say yes. Maybe my first impression of you was right all along, and you do kill people. But just on the inside." His mouth formed into a pout.

"You think that?" he whispered, barely able to get the words out.

"When it really comes down to it, it's not because of you. It's because of me. I'm killing myself."

"What do you mean?" He truly didn't know. His heart was pounding in his ears.

"It's me who messes things up, who does things wrong. It's me who doesn't know how to behave. What to do and what not to do. I want things to be good but I turn everything bad." Tears were filling his eyes. "And then I get mad and make it worse. Look at us now."

"Us implies you and I. You're not the only one to blame here." Unsure of what to do, he hesitated to get up. "Don't cry."

Jongin put his face in his hands and let out a sigh. "Sometimes I hate you," he said, his voice muffled by his palms.

This time Kyungsoo got up and crossed to Jongin. "Please don't..." He stroked the back of Jongin's head. "Sometimes I hate myself, too," he whispered.

Suddenly Jongin stood up and hurried to the bathroom. Kyungsoo's eyes followed and watched him turn on the sink and rinse his face roughly, then give it a quick dry with a towel. On his way out he looked at Kyungsoo and said, "It kills me when you're mean to me, but it's just as hard when you show me affection. I can't really explain it. Well, not without you blowing up at me, so I'll just leave it at that. I think you should just leave me alone."

Jongin turned toward the door, and Kyungsoo grabbed his arm. "What? Why? Don't leave, we're supposed to be talking this out."

It didn't matter what he said, Jongin ripped his arm away and went out the door without another word.

Later, when Kyungsoo caught Junmyeon alone, he confessed that he and Jongin seemed to be a lost cause.

Junmyeon placed his hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder and said, "Okay, don't worry. Let's not give up yet. I'll call a meeting later. I need to talk to everyone anyway."


	8. Crushed at the Word 'Friends'

BAEKHYUN

Rooming with Kyungsoo could sometimes be a drag, but still, Baekhyun liked him and usually enjoyed sharing a room. He was feeling much better, as far as his cold went, but he was tired. He was tempted to take a nap but, since Kyungsoo had run off right away, he took the opportunity to make a phone call in private. The conversation was soothing and slow, so he had almost fallen asleep when Kyungsoo suddenly returned to the room. His eyes popped open, and he said a quick "I gotta go" into the phone before hanging up.

Kyungsoo showed no interest in his hastily ended call. The fact that he wasn't nosy was one of the perks of rooming with Kyungsoo while abroad. Baekhyun had to admit to himself that he didn't have that kind of coolness. He wanted to know everything! "Hey, Kyungsoo, are you still fighting with Jongin?" His body was spread out on the bed like a cross.

"Don't worry about it." Kyungsoo kept his eyes on his phone.

"Okay...," he said, giving up easily because he had just received a text. Interrupting both of them was Junmyeon, peeking in to call a team meeting. Baekhyun reluctantly put his phone away, got up and walked with Kyungsoo to Junmyeon's room.

They sat on the floor and waited for everyone else. When all of them showed up, Junmyeon locked the door. "This meeting is just for us members, no staff," he said.

"Uh oh," Jongdae said playfully. "Someone's in trouble!"

"No," Junmyeon said, "no one's in trouble. There's just some stuff we need to talk about. Clear the air on some things." He paused as everyone looked at him expectantly. "First, I want to say that I'm excited we're about to debut a new song. But I'm also worried. We're moving on to the next phase of our careers. We're past debut now, and there are high expectations from fans and our company. But I think more than that, we have to have high expectations for ourselves. Let's not forget what's at stake right now. We're not established yet, like our seniors. If we allow negative things to come out and get in the press now, it could ruin us."

Baekhyun squirmed as Junmyeon paused to look them all in the eye. He knew their leader was right, but he hated it. He was a free spirit who didn't like being kept down. And right now, there was something he was doing that he knew he shouldn't. But hearing Junmyeon talk, he knew it was a very bad idea. He started to laugh. "I don't know what you're talking about. We're a well behaved group."

"Very funny," Junmyeon replied. "It's actually amazing that we haven't made the scandal papers yet. Anyway, I know that some of you are involved in things that would not be good for us if they got out."

Junmyeon rubbed his hands together nervously. "I don't want to have to call people out on stuff, but I also don't want to pretend like nothing is going on." He turned to Kris. "I know you're serious about your girlfriend, and you've been good about keeping it under wraps so far, but please think about what you're doing and be careful." Kris nodded silently in reply. 

"Baekhyun," Junmyeon continued, "don't think I don't know what you're up to. Cool it, okay? The managers aren't on your case because they like you and don't want to give you a hard time, but pretty soon they're going to have higher staff breathing down their necks. I don't want them to have to lie for you. And I don't want to lie for you either."

Baekhyun's heart started to race. He just nodded at his leader because he couldn't get any words out. He couldn't believe Junmyeon just said that in front of everyone. I guess he was serious when he said he wanted to clear the air.

"Tao and Sehun," Junmyeon said, moving on to his next target. "I know you're an affectionate pair, and beyond that I don't really need to know, but just keep in mind how others can interpret your actions." 

"But," Tao said, "what have we done wrong? I don't know what I'm supposed to avoid doing."

Junmyeon sighed. "Tao, do you really want me to give you specific examples right now?"

Tao and Sehun just looked at each other.

"How about this," Junmyeon offered. "Don't treat Sehun like he's your girlfriend. Or boyfriend to be specific. I don't care what you do at home, in private, but don't take it public, okay?"

Baekhyun saw that both Tao and Sehun smiled with embarrassment. He also noticed Kris and Lay shifting with discomfort. He supposed they didn't like the idea of Tao and Sehun being together.

"Everyone be careful about their SNS posts, too," Junmyeon continued. "Especially Tao and Yixing. I know you two like to speak your minds, but just think before you type, please."

"Sure," Yixing said.

"And you two," Junmyeon said, using both hands to point at Kyungsoo and Jongin respectively. "You two need to get over yourselves."

Damn, thought Baekhyun. Junmyeon's really going for it. He's tired of all our shit, I guess.

"So, everyone, just please be careful. Myself included. It's really best to avoid risky behavior, but I'm not going to be the one to force you. Just think about what you're doing. And what's important to you. Okay?" 

Baekhyun saw that Junmyeon looked at each member to read their faces. When he made eye contact with him, Baekhyun wanted to look down. He was overcome with guilt just from the ideas that had been floating around in his head, and from the dangerous behavior he knew he had already been up to. But he kept his head up, looked Junmyeon right in the eye and nodded his head along with the others. 

"Good," Junmyeon said. "Does anyone have anything they want to talk about?" No one did, at least not that they wanted to discuss in front of the other members. "Okay, then," Junmyeon continued. "That's it for now. We'll have to keep these meetings up, so we can stay open with each other and work things out. If any of you have something you want to talk to me about in private, let me know. Jongin and Kyungsoo, you're not leaving yet. I want to talk to you alone." 

As they all started to get up to leave, he heard Yixing ask Tao, "What does he mean about you and Sehun? Why is he talking like Sehun is your girlfriend?" Then Yixing slipped into his native Chinese and seemed to continue to grill poor Tao as Sehun listened.

Normally, Baekhyun would be interested in how Yixing's interrogation went, but he had other things on his mind. He gave one last look to Kyungsoo and Jongin as he left the room. "Good luck," he said. And he meant it. 

JONGIN

Jongin sat silently as Junmyeon got up and locked the door after everyone left. He was annoyed at having to stay behind with Kyungsoo. All of this was too emotionally draining.

Junmyeon approached them, hands on hips. "What do I have to do to make you guys act like human beings to each other?"

When he got nothing, he sat down and put his head in his hands. "Why are you making this so difficult for me? Can't one of you say something? Things are not going to get resolved unless we can talk this out."

"What do you want us to say?" Jongin quietly asked, eyes on the floor.

"How about you tell me what's wrong? What started this fight?"

"I don't think I want to talk about that," Jongin said. "We just had a disagreement, and it snowballed. That's all."

Junmyeon lowered himself to try to get Jongin to look at him. "Well, if it's not that big of a deal, why can't you just work it out? Why can't you talk about it here?"

"It's personal," Kyungsoo added. Unlike Jongin, he looked directly at Junmyeon.

"If it's too personal to talk about in front of me, how am I supposed to help?" 

Jongin heard the desperation in Junmyeon's voice and felt bad. It wasn't just Kyungsoo being shitty. It was him, too. "We'll talk," he told his leader. "Right, Kyungsoo?" He looked at Kyungsoo, who looked back and nodded his head.

"I say you're going to do it now. You can use my room." He rose and went to the door, then added, "Make an effort guys, don't waste time."

After he left, Jongin turned to Kyungsoo. "You know I don't really want to talk to you, right?"

"I know." His voice was just above a whisper. "You've made it pretty obvious. But we really should try."

"Do you want to know why I don't want to talk to you?"

"Sure. Tell me all the ways that I'm horrible." He ran his hand through his hair.

"I don't think you're horrible, Kyungsoo. But you have been horrible to me lately, ignoring me, treating me like a pest."

"I know. I'm sorry." Kyungsoo chewed on his lower lip.

Jongin noticed Kyungsoo's hand reach out, as if to touch him, but he didn't reach far enough. "I got tired of making an effort with you, so I decided to cut you off too. Two can play at the same game. But it really pisses me off that you don't think so. You can dish it out, but you can't take it when it's served back to you."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be that way. I was just in shock for a while, but then I realized I was being stupid. By the time I was ready to talk to you, you were too pissed off."

"If you say so. But seriously, I don't know how to be around you anymore. I love how we used to be so affectionate, but now I've ruined that. Any affection I show you from now on will be tainted. You're going to think differently of it. I just think that maybe I should stay away from you."

Kyungsoo leaned in closer. "I don't want you to."

"Why?" He felt a sliver of hope but tried to squash it.

"Because you're my closest friend, and I don't want to lose you. And you kissing me wasn't the end of the world. I know I acted like it was, but I was just freaked out."

"Still...," Jongin hesitated. "To be honest, I think it meant something different to me than it did to you."

"How about this," Kyungsoo suggested, ignoring Jongin's last comment, "let's try to go back to being friends. We can try to go back to before this all happened. And maybe the affection will come back naturally."

He was crushed at the word friends. "But affection is going to mess with me, Kyungsoo."

"Why is that?"

Jongin was surprised to hear genuine confusion in Kyungsoo's question, but he couldn't bring himself to give reasons. "Nevermind."

"Let's just try, okay? Besides, if we don't, Junmyeon is going to kick our asses."

Jongin felt nauseous. The only reason he wants us to try is for our leader's sake? "Okay, let's try."

KYUNGSOO

After their exhausting talk, Kyungsoo entered his hotel room and found Baekhyun pacing the room. "What's up?" he asked.

"Nothing," Baekhyun replied, taking a quick glance at him.

"So you're pacing the floor for no reason?"

"Ah, well. No reason I'm willing to talk about."

"Okay...," Kyungsoo said, ready to give up.

"Unless," Baekhyun suddenly said, "you want to tell me what's going on with you and Jongin. We could, you know, confide in each other."

"Why would I want to confide in you, Baekhyun? Am I supposed to believe you're particularly trustworthy?" He started to feel twitchy.

"I know. I'm not your favorite person, and I have a big mouth, but I'm serious. I'm about to lose my mind, and you obviously have issues too. We could be each other's secret-keepers. Aren't you desperate for that? Having someone to talk to about what's really going on in your head?"

"You are so cheesy," Kyungsoo replied, shaking his head. But he had to admit to himself that he was tempted. "But you actually are one of my favorite people, even if you piss me off."

"Thanks." He framed his face with his hands and threw a cutesy smile his way. "And I guess I am pretty cheesy. But a person kind of loses his cool when he's desperate and in love."

"You're...in love?" He wanted to add that he didn't need to be in love to be cheesy, but kept his mouth shut. He was too stunned to give him a hard time.

"Ah, see, now I've gone and started something," Baekhyun said, shaking his head.

"But really, you are?" Kyungsoo walked to his bed and sat down, looking up at Baekhyun.

"Kyungsoo," Baekhyun began, his tone serious, "you have to promise not to say anything. To anyone. Junmyeon is on to me, obviously, but I don't know how much he really knows, so don't say anything." He sat next to Kyungsoo and took his hand. "I mean it."

"Okay. You know I don't say much anyway." He shrugged his shoulders. "I feel no need to gossip."

Baekhyun dropped his head into his hands and said something so muffled that Kyungsoo couldn't understand, which made him giggle. "Well, you don't have to worry about me repeating what you said 'cause I didn't understand a word of it."

Baekhyun lifted his head, turned to Kyungsoo, and said, "The manager."

Kyungsoo's brows furrowed as he contemplated. "Oh, well that explains it."

"Don't be dense Kyungsoo. You know what I mean. Our manager, Ana." He saw realization dawn on his face.

"You've got a thing for her? Makes sense. I guess she's pretty enough."

"Not just a 'thing,' Kyungsoo. I'm in deep."

"How deep?" Kyungsoo asked, genuinely interested.

"Well, I'm sure you noticed my absences from the dorm." When Kyungsoo's eyes got extra wide, he quickly continued, "We know we shouldn't. We even talked about it today. It's going to cause major trouble, I know it."

Kyungsoo, hearing the worry in Baekhyun's voice, began to caress his neck. "Okay, Baekhyun, just think a minute. No one knows for sure, right? Just be extra careful."

"I hate hiding. And worrying about what might happen. Like I might cause problems for you guys. And her."

"I know how you feel. It sucks to have to balance your feelings and what you personally want with what's best for your career and those around you. I really do know."

"Does this have anything to do with Jongin?" Baekhyun asked.

"Maybe." His heart started to beat faster. What he really going to let the cat out of the bag?

"Kyungsoo, I just spilled my guts to you. Don't be so cryptic."

"Yes, it has to do with Jongin. But I'm not exactly sure what it all means."

Well," Baekyun said, lying on the bed and stretching, "when you figure it out you can tell me all about it. I have faith in you two." He sat back up just long enough to pull off his shirt and pants. "Today has been a completely exhausting day, let's get some sleep."

"Yeah, like I can sleep now." He watched Baekhyun snuggle down under his blankets. "Good night."

Kyungsoo settled down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. After talking to Jongin and agreeing to work things out, he thought about all the ways in which he had been wrong and stubborn. His heart sank. The one person he loved so much, even if secretly, and he had driven him away and made things uncomfortable. What a shit I am. I've got to make it up to him. I have to get him back. I don't have to have him in all the ways I want him, and I don't expect a happily ever after, but I want him back the way it was before. I want to watch movies with him, hold his hand, see him smile at me and hug me. I want him to love me again.

With those kinds of thoughts running around in his head as he tried to sleep, he resolved to do what it took to make his wish come true.


	9. Just Keep it Inside

JONGIN

The next day, Jongin tried his very best to lighten up when it came to Kyungsoo, but it was difficult to let all of his reservations go. They had a few short, stilted conversations, and Kyungsoo even smiled shyly at him, but they were still struggling. Part of him just wanted to grab and hug him, and forget all about what had happened recently. But out of self respect, he controlled himself. He just couldn't let that boy walk all over him.

Controlling himself became especially difficult while they were on stage for their Beijing SM Town performance. They had just finished "MAMA," which had pumped him up. Dancing always improved his mood, and he felt lighter than he had for a while. After the performance, they lined up on stage for a quick talk with the audience. Kyungsoo happened to be standing next to him, which bothered him immensely. For one, the damn boy smelled good. Mild cologne mixed with sweat, which Jongin found intoxicating. For another, he could feel Kyungsoo's eyes on him. Staring. Almost begging for attention. Why? Why is he doing this to me here? He shook his head slightly, as if telling himself, and Kyungsoo, that he was not going to be so easily sucked in. But that asshole moved closer and continued to stare. When he didn't respond, Kyungsoo stepped away slightly. That killed him. He couldn't stand rejecting him so, turning to Kyungsoo, he wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. Now this is how it's supposed to be, he thought. It feels so good to have him in my arms again. He didn't know what Kyungsoo was thinking, but he hoped this connection remained when they left the stage.

Later, while sitting in the dressing room, he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder. Assuming it was probably Junmyeon, he turned and was surprised to see Kyungsoo. "Oh, hi," he said.

"Good job. The crowd loved you, they always do." He smiled. "I can see why."

"Ah, thanks," Jongin said, a little perplexed. He felt a little shiver go through his body as Kyungsoo leaned down to whisper in his ear.

"I'm truly sorry, Jongin. About the way I've been with you lately."

Kyungsoo squeezed his shoulder again and started to walk away, but Jongin quickly reached out and grabbed his hand. Kyungsoo turned to question him with a look. Jongin couldn't bring himself to say anything. He was afraid he would cry right there in the dressing room in front of everyone, so he just squeezed and caressed Kyungsoo's hand. He hoped Kyungsoo understood that it was his way of accepting the apology. Before letting go of his hand, he managed to mouth the words 'me too.' Kyungsoo smiled and walked away, leaving Jongin's heart fit to burst. Maybe, he thought, there's hope for us yet.

Feeling overcome, he quickly got up and headed to the restroom. He locked himself in a stall and let the tears come. All the tension, worry and sadness that had been building in him was being released. It felt good, but was overwhelming. After a few minutes, he forced himself to calm down. He blew his nose, wet his face in the sink and waited for the redness in his face to fade before he re-joined the others. 

"Ready to go?" Junmyeon asked. "Grab your stuff. We're all going out for something to eat before heading back to the hotel."

"Oh, good," Jongin responded, although he felt he might be too worked up to eat much.

Climbing in the van, he saw that Kyungsoo was already there. He was relieved when he waved him over to the seat next to him. As he sat down next to Kyungsoo, he felt himself smile and he peeked to see if he was looking, which he was. 

"Hi," Jongin said, still smiling.

"Hey," Kyungsoo replied, smiling back.

"Glad we get to go eat together, you know? Like, I'm glad that I'm happy to eat with you today."

"That's good." Kyungsoo patted his knee.

"A man of few words, as usual," Jongin said, elbowing Kyungsoo playfully. "But I'm fine with that, as long as your words don't hurt me."

"I said I'm sorry, and I meant it."

To Jongin he sounded desperate. "Oh, I'm just teasing you. And I'm sorry, too."

Kyungsoo just nodded his head in acknowledgement. 

When they reached the restaurant, Jongin made sure to sit by Kyungsoo, so they could continue this hesitant, yet blissful, return to their former selves. He noticed Junmyeon smiling at them with approval, and felt good inside. This was working out much better than he had anticipated.

When they had stuffed themselves silly, they re-boarded the van, and he sat next to Kyungsoo once again. They didn't speak much due to their food comas, but Jongin was happy just being next to Kyungsoo. He was even happier when Kyungsoo got sleepy and drifted off on his shoulder. He stayed as still as possible so as not to disturb him. This boy is really something, he thought.

This day of reconciliation was the beginning of their normalization. Although they were more careful about it, they returned to late night movie watching in their room, sometimes even going out to the theater late at night. They smiled and laughed, talked and cuddled, practiced and struggled together. It was amazing to Jongin, a dream come true. But it also made him a bit uneasy, as it brought back all of his forbidden feelings. The same feelings that got him into trouble in the first place. Just keep it inside, he told himself, inside where it won't hurt anyone but me.

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun was full of nervous energy as the time of their comeback approached. They were promoting as one group this time, and he was loving it. It gave him more time to play around with Jongdae. Currently, they were in their living room trying to learn a popular girl group dance, hoping they could use it on a variety show one day.

"Oh my God, Jongdae, you are so dorky," Baekhyun teased.

"Hey, you're the one making me do this. And you don't look too cool yourself."

"Both idiots," Kyungsoo chimed in. "And loud."

"All right, all right," Jongdae said. "I can take a hint. I'm tired anyway. I'm going to head back to my dorm and make sure Tao isn't burning the place down."

"Practice it in your sleep!" Baekhyun called as Jongdae opened the front door.

Before the door closed, he yelled back, "Oh, that's not what I'll be practicing in my sleep, I can tell you that!"

"You guys are disgusting," Kyungsoo added.

"Well, who asked you anyway. You weren't invited," Baekhyun taunted. He loved playing with Kyungsoo. "Go lay in a coffin or something."

"If you don't shut your fucking mouth, you'll be the one in a coffin." He gave him a dark stare, then broke into a teasing smile.

"Whoa, whoa there, kids. No one's going to be laying in a coffin any time soon," Junmyeon said, jumping in. "At least we hope not, right?"

"That would be horrible. Don't even talk about it," Jongin added as he entered the room.

Baekhyun noticed the seriousness of Jongin's tone, and how he looked at Kyungsoo when he said it. He had to bite his tongue to keep from commenting. He was trying to be cool about Kyungsoo's relationship with Jongin after the conversation they had. He knew there was something going on between the two boys, but didn't want to fuel any fire among the other members. He decided he should walk away to avoid temptation.

Checking his phone as he walked to his room, he noticed a missed call. He listened to the message and immediately texted Kyungsoo.

A few seconds later, there stood Kyungsoo in his doorway.

"Come in and shut the door," Baekhyun directed him. "They've found out. The big-wigs. It's going to be the end of us."

"You think they'll force you apart?"

"Sure, why not? What do they have to lose?" He paced around the room. "At least you don't have to worry about them getting rid of Jongin. They could legally do it, I suppose, but you know they won't. He's the face of EXO, their star dancer. And you're the voice. So there's really no way they can separate you two. Kind of lucky, don't you think?"

"Weren't we just talking about you and your problem? Why are you turning this around on me?"

"Because I'm too nervous to think about my problem. And whenever I think about us, I can't help but think about how the other members have it better than me."

"How so?" Kyungsoo asked, hands on his hips.

Baekhyun stopped pacing and held up a finger. "Has anyone tried to split up Tao and Sehun?"

Kyungsoo shook his head. "I don't think anyone has tried to actually split them up."

"Right. And even though they've said plenty to Kris about his girlfriend, nothing has changed. He gets to see her as much as time allows. And all the different girls the members have dated. No one has tried to really stop them. Sure, they get told to be careful and keep it quiet, but that's it. And you. You and Jongin. Well, I don't know what's going on there, but no one seems to be in your business about it other than to tell you two to get along. But we're going to be forced to split."

"Are you through?" Kyungsoo crossed his arms.

"No. What's with you and Jongin anyway? He was all puppy-dog eyes for you out there just now."

Kyungsoo shook his head no.

Baekhyun pouted. "Kyungsoo, didn't we promise to keep this stuff between us? You can't trust me or what?"

"Honestly, there's nothing to tell." He shook his head.

Baekhyun decided to push it. "You know, I can read people pretty good, and I don't believe that."

"Okay, so there might be something if it was possible. But it's not, so there isn't. Unlike you, we know where to draw the line."

Baekhyun hung his head. "I see. We're completely wrong in your eyes, too. I guess I'm the weak and shitty one here."

"Baekhyun," Kyungsoo started, placing his hand on his shoulder, "that's not what I meant. I'm not sure what I meant, because I'm totally confused about my situation. But I don't think you're wrong. It's just dangerous, that's all."

He was starting to feel almost angry. "Okay, if you say so. Just remember, when my shit blows up, that Tao and Sehun are not so different from me. You're not so different from me."

Kyungsoo have Baekhyun's shoulder a squeeze. "Nothing's happened yet."

"But it will. And I hope you're not going to keep your mouth shut like you usually do. I hope you stick up for me, if you truly do believe I'm not wrong." Baekhyun looked Kyungsoo in the eye, and took a hold of his arm. "Because I will absolutely defend you and your choices."


	10. I Wish it Were True

KYUNGSOO

A day later and he still had no news of what was going to happen with Baekhyun. It was hard to watch his friend deal with so much stress. And it bothered him, because he knew Baekhyun could be any of them. They were all vulnerable to their company's power over their personal relationships. Sure, you could defy them, but you would pay one way or another. So when it was time for him to get in bed, he was unable to sleep. He could hear the steady breathing of Jongin and Chanyeol and knew he was the only one struggling. His mind was plagued with a vicious cycle of thoughts: Baekhyun's issue, their upcoming schedule, for which he needed to be well rested and up early, and about what Jongin said to him earlier that day. He wished there was a switch he could use to turn off his brain. He wanted to scream out in frustration, but he just dug his nails into the palms of his hands instead. 

“Go to sleep,” he told himself. “Go to sleep.” He said it over and over like a mantra. 

Just as he was starting to relax somewhat, he heard a creak. His mind became alert as he listened. Definitely Jongin. Probably up for a bathroom break. Kyungsoo stilled and slowed his breathing so as to seem asleep. Jongin starting a conversation was the last thing he needed right now. When he heard the toilet flush he was relieved to know Jongin would soon be back in bed and sleeping.

He closed his eyes to feign sleep but was surprised when he felt his bed move as someone climbed onto it. In an inner panic, he stopped breathing. 

Shit! he thought. “Jongin?” he questioned softly. Nothing. “You’re in the wrong bed,” he added. “Do you want me to help you to your bed?” Nothing.

Mixed with his frustration of having to deal with this unexpected situation was a spot of jealousy that Jongin was sleepy enough to crawl into the wrong bed.

He nudged him in the shoulder. Nothing. Screw this, Kyungsoo thought, giving up. There wasn't much room with both of them in the bed, but he carefully rolled over and resumed his quest for sleep. It came a short time later, when he least expected it. Unfortunately, the alarm on his phone went off a few hours later and he wanted to die. 

“Noooooooo!” he whined as he flipped over to turn it off. Except, before he could reach it, he ran into something soft and warm. Jongin. He had forgotten he was there. He placed a hand on his own chest, trying to calm his racing heart.

Jongin was trying to wake too, but struggling. Kyungsoo tried to help by giving him a poke.

“Washerdoong?” Jongin mumbled.

“Uh, time to get up Jongin,” Kyungsoo said.

“Whffffff. Mmmmeehuh?” 

“Jongin! Get up! Get out of my bed!” 

Chanyeol shot up in his bed and stared. “Do I want to know?” he asked. 

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry,” Kyungsoo replied. “He was just too out of it last night.” Kyungsoo looked down at Jongin, who continued to be a big lump in his bed, which was too small for them really, and promptly gave him a shove, sending him to the floor.

Once they were up and about they prepared to head out to their Inkigayo recording. Feeling awkward after last night, Kyungsoo was fairly successful in avoiding close contact with Jongin. In the van, however, he had no choice but to sit next to him. Normally, this would make him happy, but now he felt awkward. To avoid conversation, he kept his eyes trained on the window and away from Jongin. Just when he thought they might spend the entire ride in silence, he heard Jongin's soft giggle. He decided to ignore it. 

"I can't believe you kicked me out of bed," Jongin said with amusement. "Shit, I fell right on one of my handweights. Woke me right up! Bet I'll have a bruise on my thigh later."

Kyungsoo felt a nudge. He couldn't very well continue to ignore him, so he turned and said, "Well, I tried to wake you nicely, but you wouldn't budge. And if you cleaned up after yourself, the weight wouldn't have been there." Kyungsoo's eyes narrowed playfully, "Besides, you didn't belong there. I should have bopped you over the head with that handweight."

"I didn't belong there?" Jongin asked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy.

"Well, it wasn't your bed, was it?" Kyungsoo said. He quickly regretted the annoyed vibe he sent out and softened it by saying, "I guess when you're half asleep you don't always know what you're doing."

"I knew what I was doing," Jongin said, looking directly at him.

Jongin's confident stare made him nervous, so he turned back to the window without another word. His mind was swirling. That was the second time in the last couple of days that Jongin has said something that made him feel weird. He had completely freaked out last time Jongin had made a move and kissed him, and he had thought all that was over. Now it was starting again. Only this time, he was more confused about it. To Kyungsoo, it felt like how he imagined bungee jumping would be - a combination of exhiliration and fear. But what was this ride Jongin was trying to take him on? He didn't like this unsure feeling, so he tried to find something in the situation that made sense. He thought back to yesterday and what Jongin had said:

They were just hanging around the dorm after their schedule. Most of them were too drained to do anything that required energy, so most were on their phones. Baekhyun sat on the floor with his laptop while Kyungsoo was nearby flipping through a cooking magazine. Baekhyun loved to look at EXO fansites, getting a kick out of the comments. Kyungsoo didn't understand that at all. He didn't really care too much what people thought of him - well, not enough to try to be someone he wasn't - so he didn't feel any need to seek out what people were saying. Baekhyun was different. In many ways. Kyungsoo thought that scientists should probably study him.

"Bwahahaha!" Baekhyun screamed out, poking Kyungsoo in the side repeatedly. "I'm going to change your name in my phone to "Jongin's wifey!"

Kyungsoo shot him his best death-stare. Baekhyun scooted out of hitting distance but kept up his assault. "According to these fans here, you and Jongin are super in love. Is there something you want to tell us, Kyungsoo?" 

Kyungsoo started finding things to throw.

Baekhyun saw that Jongin had entered the room and doubled his efforts. "They're expecting a wedding soon. Have you picked out your colors and invitations yet? I hope you choose me to be your best man, heehee." An empty water bottle careened off of Baekhyun's right temple.

"What are you talking about?" Jongin asked, looking unsure. 

"Ah," Baekyun said, rubbing his head. "Just about your destined love for Kyungsoo."

"My what?" Jongin asked, incredulous. 

"You know, how you and Kyungsoo are soulmates and all that crap. Didn't you know that you guys are in love?" Baekhyun was relishing in bothering them and was anticipating their reactions. It didn't even phase him when a book hit him in the back.

"Where would they get that idea?" Jongin asked. "What are you even looking at?"

"Just reading fan comments. Don't you check out fan comments?" Baekhyun asked as he picked up the offending book. "Ha ha, Kyungsoo, are you reading Harry Potter so you can learn to put spells on me?"

"Yep, I gonna learn a spell to immobilize your tongue," Kyungsoo threatened.

"Anyway," Baekhyun continued, while scooting even further away from Kyungsoo, "you know how fans like to couple everyone up? Seems like these days you two have gotten more popular. I think if you two ever 'break up' you're going to crush so many fangirls!"

As Baekhyun turned to take a peek at Kyungsoo's reaction, he was met with a Choco-pie to the forehead. "Oooh, thanks! I was hungry."

"Fans don't take that stuff seriously," Jongin offered. "They're just having fun letting their imaginations run wild. You know how they always ask in interviews who we would date in the group and stuff. I said Kyungsoo once, so they're making a big deal out of it."

"Well, they seem pretty serious. They're laying out evidence!" Baekhyun said, turning his laptop around for Jongin to see and sporting a huge grin. "Look at these pictures! Fans think you're going to get married and live happily ever after."

Jongin just stared. He looked pained. His eyes scanned the room quickly before turning to leave. Kyungsoo, though, kept quiet. He even stopped throwing things. 

"Haha...what? Why are you leaving?" Baekhyun asked Jongin. 

"Leave it alone," Kyungsoo said, and headed out of the room after him.

"Hey guys, where are you going?" Baekhyun called out. "I'm bored, come back!"

Kyungsoo caught up with Jongin in the hall and grabbed his arm to spin him around. "Jongin. What's wrong? You seem weird. I mean, I know Baek's a pain, but..."

"Nothing...I mean, sometimes..." He paused, then leaned over, close to Kyungsoo's ear. "Sometimes...I wish it were true." He pulled his arm out of Kyungsoo's grasp and walked away, leaving him stunned.

~~~

Now, looking out the van window, Kyungsoo shook his head to try to get the memory out of his head. It wasn't that the thought of being with Jongin was unpleasant. Actually, he thought about it often, but just in a fantasy-world type of way. There was no pressure of reality to it. But now, just thinking about it wore him out. He kept his eyes on the window to avoid any more conversation with Jongin. That only worked for about three minutes.

"What's up? Are you sleeping?" Jongin asked him softly. Kyungsoo gave a slight shake of his head without turning around.

"You seem weird. Different. Are you mad?" Jongin asked.

"No, just really tired," Kyungsoo replied.

"Did you stay up too late last night? Did you not feel good?"

"I didn't stay up on purpose. I just couldn't sleep. Well, until..." Kyungsoo stopped himself. It was at that moment he realized that he was only able to relax and fall asleep when Jongin joined him in his bed. It certainly wasn't the first time they had slept in the same bed, but it was different before. He didn't like where that thought was going, and he certainly didn't want to share it with Jongin, especially when they were sitting near some of the other members. He felt a weight in the pit of his stomach. It was neither a good or bad feeling, but it scared him. He was afraid of where it would lead him. He thought about how he felt when he first met Jongin, and when he danced...and smiled. There had always been an attraction, he had to admit to himself, but he had largely suppressed those feelings for the sake of the group. He had even gotten mad at Jongin for kissing him before. Now his resolve was wavering.

He was brought out of his thoughts by a question.

"Until what?" Jongin asked. "You said you couldn't sleep until..."

"Nothing. Forget I said it. I don't know what I was going to say."

Jongin leaned over. "No, really, until what?" he pushed.

"Not now, Jongin," Kyungsoo said, looking around at the other members.

"Later?"

"Okay," Kyungsoo said with resignation. He let a little puff of air escape his mouth and closed his eyes.

Kyungsoo felt Jongin's hand rest gently on his thigh. He didn't feel it was a provacative gesture, but rather one of comfort - and he was comforted.

~~~

During their Inkigayo performance, Kyungsoo saw Jongin smile at him every chance he got. To Kyungsoo the smiles seemed to say, "Don't worry. Don't be scared. It will be alright. I love you." He didn't know how a few smiles could say all that, but he felt they did. He couldn't help but smile back, but his smile was much less sure. He was distracted during the performance, but luckily he made no mistakes. Now that the tension of the performance was over, he was filled with a nervous energy. Even though he was scared of the impending conversation, he couldn't wait to get it over with. 

When they got back home, he pulled Jongin aside and in a low voice asked him, "Where should we go?" Jongin looked confused for a moment, then understanding dawned on his face.

"The bathroom," Jongin said. 

"What?" Kyungsoo blurted. "That won't look weird at all, us locking ourselves in the bathroom together."

"We can say we're showering."

"We're not Tao and Sehun!" Kyungsoo said, letting out a little snort.

"Huh?" Tao called out from the other room.

"Nothing!" they said in unison.

"Great," Kyungsoo said, giving Jongin his most annoyed look. "Now we've got their attention."

"Don't look at me with your gigantic eyeballs!" Jongin said with amusement.

"What about gigantic eyeballs?" Jongdae asked as he passed by.

"Kyungsoo has them," Jongin said, then let out a little squeak when Kyungsoo stepped on his foot.

"Oh, I know that already," Jongdae said matter of factly.

After Jongdae was out of earshot, Kyungsoo said, "We need to keep our voices down. Where else can we go besides the bathroom?"

"Hmm...the bedroom?"

"Yeah, that would go over well. We'd have Chanyeol banging on the door as soon as we locked it. I think we'll have to go with the bathroom, like you said."

Kyungsoo led Jongin towards the bathroom and glanced around to make sure no one was looking before slipping inside. They stared at each other silently and uncomfortably for a moment, until Jongin broke the silence. "So what's going on? What's keeping you up at night?"

Staring directly into Jongin's eyes, he answered with just one word. "You."

JONGIN

"Me?" Jongin asked, incredulous. "What did I do?" He was nervous, because Kyungsoo was the last person he wanted to upset.

"It's not what you did, it's what you said." Kyungsoo hesitated. "You told me you wished it were true."

"I wish it were true?" Jongin lifted his eyes to the ceiling as he searched his mind, repeating the phrase over and over trying to remember. He looked back down at Kyungsoo, his face scrunched up a little in exasperation. Kyungsoo's eyes were boring holes into him and it made him so nervous he couldn't think. Then, suddenly, it came to him. "Aaaaah...that. It's keeping you up? I'm sorry." He rubbed Kyungsoo's arms.

Jongin nervously shifted his feet as Kyungsoo got quiet again. He went around and around in his head for the best thing to say. How was he supposed to explain? It wasn't something that was easy to address. Sure, he had spit out the "I wish it were true" comment pretty easily. His subconscious taking control, he supposed. But now he was overly conscious of every word that came out of his mouth. "Kyungsoo...," he began, almost a whisper.

"Why did you say it?" Kyungsoo asked, gently cutting him off.

"Because I meant it," Jongin said, his voice slightly shaking. 

"Don't be stupid," Kyungsoo said, in that irritated tone Jongin knew too well. 

Jongin's hands went to his hips. "Hey, have you ever known me to be stupid?"

Kyungsoo smiled and raised one eyebrow. "Do you really want me to answer that question?"

"No, you better not." Jongin giggled nervously. He felt like an embarrassed child. Then, a sudden panic-like feeling swept over him as he saw Kyungsoo head for he door. "But I meant it," he pressed. It stopped Kyungsoo, who turned to him with a pained expression.

Jongin didn't let that expression stop him. He broke into a wide smile and said proudly, "If I had to pick someone to be with for the rest of my life, I think I'd like it to be you."

"But that's just out of the members, right? Like they always ask us on shows?" Kyungsoo said, as if pleading for it to be true.

"Yeah, I know we have to answer those kinds of questions about the members...but I don't mean just the members." Jongin took a tentative hold of Kyungsoo's hand, enjoying the warm feel of his skin. "I mean out of anyone. Ever."


	11. He's Got Balls!

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo froze, stuck between hugging Jongin and running for his life. He just stood there holding Jongin's hand. "Um, okay. I'm not sure what to do with that," he said, slowly pulling his hand from Jongin's. "I can see I'm going to have another long, sleepless night. And I'm not even psychic."

They both jumped when there was a sharp rap on the door. "Hey!" Baekhyun yelled.

"What?" Jongin called back.

"I've got to use the bathroom after you. Make sure you spray something to kill your toxic ass smell!"

Kyungsoo covered his mouth to stifle a laugh.

"Don't worry!" Jongin returned. "I'm not bombing the place, I'm just washing up."

"Well, you've been in there so long I figured you were brewing a nasty one."

"Go away, Baekhyun," Jongin said, sounding defeated.

"Okay, but I'm counting on you!" 

Jongin turned to Kyungsoo, who was stifling a laugh, and sulked. "It's not funny," he said.

"Okay, okay," Kyungsoo said, the laughter gone from his face. He was suddenly tired. "I've had enough. I think my head's going to explode."

"I'm sorry," Jongin said again.

"Don't be sorry," Kyungsoo said with a slight shake of his head. He hated that Jongin apologized so much. "We better get out of here. You go first, then distract Baekhyun for a few minutes so I can slip out. Splash some water on your face real quick, so it looks like you were doing something in here."

"Wait, that's it?" Jongin asked. "We can't leave it just like that."

"Jongin, I can't deal with this right now, and the members are out there. Let's just try to act normal. We can talk more another time. Hurry up and wash."

Jongin went to the sink and washed his face, and Kyungsoo saw him stealing glances at him in the mirror. As Jongin began to shuffle out the door, Kyungsoo heard him say, "Guess I'm not the only one that won't be sleeping tonight."

Kyungsoo realized his hands were shaking as he also quickly washed up. He listened at the door to see if he could hear any members nearby before slipping out. When it seemed no one was around, he stepped out. He was not alone, however. When he glanced to his left, he saw Junmyeon looking his way. Shit, he thought. Did he see Jongin too?

"Goodnight," he told his leader, as he quickly headed off to his room.

"Um, goodnight," Junmyeon replied, staring after him.

Kyungsoo entered his room to find Jongin already there. He resisted the urge to bolt and continued to prepare for bed without a word. 

"So...Chanyeol's not here right now. Can we talk some more?" Jongin asked.

"Okay. Just until he comes in." Kyungsoo sat on his bed and looked at the floor. "But I don't know what you want me to say."

"Well," Jongin said, "How about what you think. About us." He sat down across from Kyungsoo and wrung his hands.

"I think," Kyungsoo began, "that I don't know what you're doing." He paused, running his hand nervously through his hair. He could feel his heart beat. "Really, what are you thinking about Jongin, saying you want to spend your life with me?"

"Gah," Jongin spit out, "I wasn't thinking when I said it, I guess. It just came out. I can't take it back now." Jongin was staring at him, but Kyungsoo just kept his eyes on the floor. "It happens. People have feelings and sometimes they come out, as you already know. It's scary, you know? Especially after what happened between us before. I never want you to be mad at me like that again. I want to know how you feel, but I'm scared. How do you feel?"

Kyungsoo lifted his face and he could see the shock on Jongin's face. The slightly nervous and giggly Kyungsoo from the bathroom was gone. "I feel...," he said, with barely restrained frustration, "like I'm going to explode." He struggled to keep his voice from getting too loud. "I feel like a big bomb has been dropped on me and I can't escape the damage." He took a deep breath and, despite the look of horror on Jongin's face, continued. "We all had a deal here. We work hard to be members of a group. We work together, and are forced to live together whether we like each other or not. We have to concentrate and do everything right just to get somewhere in this industry. Everything you or I do affects whether we're successful. First the kiss, now this? How does that lead us anywhere? I want to be successful, don't you?" he asked, almost as an accusation. He took a deep breath and willed himself to calm down and lower his voice.

Jongin crawled up on the bed and leaned against the wall, as if to get further away from this verbal attack. "Of course," he said softly, his eyes briefly lowered, but came back to look Kyungsoo in the eyes. "Why do you think I work so hard at my dancing? Did I somehow give you the impression that I don't want success?"

"No, I always thought you were the most hard-working member. The one that was willing to go above and beyond. But now you're trying to screw it all up!"

"Huh?" Jongin asked, at a loss.

"Lock the fucking door," Kyungsoo said, then watched Jongin get up and go to the door. His heart was beating hard and fast. "Are you stupid?" he asked as he approached, stopping in front of Jongin, who was now standing just inside the door. "I never thought of you as stupid, but you must be, to tell me all that stuff about wanting to be with me." He really felt all his frustration flowing out of him. He was afraid, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. Tears started to form in his eyes. "Did you think I'd just say 'Wonderful! I like you too! Let's announce it to the world! The members will love it! Management will love it! Fans will love it!'"

"N-no," Jongin whispered. "That's not what I expected. And it's not what I wanted."

Kyungsoo took a deep breath and tried to ease his intensity. "What did you want then?"

"I don't know. I guess just for you to be happy that I like you. Maybe for you to like me too." Jongin stared at Kyungsoo defiantly. "Is that so horrible? Somehow because I'm in this group with other people, and am in the public eye, I'm not supposed to have feelings?"

"You can have feelings, Jongin, but you can't just act on them any way you want, whenever you want. Didn't you learn anything from the kiss incindent? Feelings are dangerous. There's a line we shouldn't cross." Kyungsoo's eyes searched for understanding in Jongin's blurry face. "If I completely hated Sehun, should I walk around being an asshole to him all the time? No. Because that would mess up the dynamic of the group. We all have to maintain a nice balance with each other to get along. I shouldn't hate Sehun any more than you should love me. It screws things up."

"Didn't you learn anything from the kiss?" Jongin asked, arms crossed. "Don't you remember apologizing to me for being such a jerk? Don't you remember saying you overreacted? How is this any different? Do you have to blow up every time something happens that makes you uncomfortable?"

Kyungsoo just stared at him, completely at a loss. He knew Jongin was right. 

"Besides," Jongin continued, "why do we have to draw a line? Do you see Tao and Sehun drawing a line? Do you see Kris or Baekhyun drawing a line? Don't use that as an excuse to reject me, Kyungsoo," he said quietly, but with a tinge of anger. "You know, you don't have to get mad at me. You could just say you don't like me. Or you're not interested. I would understand if you just told me straight out."

"I'm being a jerk? Really?" Kyungsoo seethed.

Jongin didn't answer the question. "This sucks," he pouted.

"You're right about that." He finally moved away from Jongin and turned his back.

Without Kyungsoo's intense eyes on him, he felt his courage rise. "You know what? You're really fucking confusing. You act like you like me and return my feelings, and then if I cross some random line you've created, you suddenly hate me. It really feels like shit to be happy and free with someone then have them turn on you. I can only go through this so many times," Jongin said with a waver in his voice, tears starting to spill from his eyes. "I don't think I should be here right now, so I'm going to sleep somewhere else tonight. You can think about whether you want me to room with someone else."

Kyungsoo watched him walk out the door and stifled a scream. This was one of the worst feelings he'd ever had. His hands grabbed fistfuls of his hair as he paced back and forth across the room. He felt a nauseous heat in his stomach. As the tears filling his eyes increased, he started to panic. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. He brought his hands to his face and pressed his palms into his eyes in an effort to stop them from falling. Just then his heart dropped as he heard the door open. 

"Uh, Kyungsoo?" he heard Chanyeol say. There was a slight feeling of relief that it wasn't Jongin, but it was very short-lived. He said nothing, turning his back to Chanyeol. He didn't want anyone to see him crying.

"Kyungsoo?" Chanyeol tried again. "What's wrong?" Kyungsoo just shook his head. He knew he couldn't talk without completely losing it. He tried to breathe slowly to calm himself down, but the feeling of panic wouldn't leave him.

"Seriously, what's going on?" Chanyeol's voice was closer now. Too close. He shook his head and waved him away with one hand.

"Why aren't you answering me?" he asked, starting to sound really worried. Kyungsoo felt Chanyeol grab his arm and lead him to sit on the bed. He still insisted on covering his eyes. He couldn't let Chanyeol see him crying. He just couldn't.

"Are you crying?" Disbelief and concern was in his voice.

Kyungsoo shook his head, but said nothing.

"I think you're crying," Chanyeol said, trying to pull one of Kyungsoo's hands away from his face. He fought him, but Chanyeol was stronger. "You are crying. What's going on? What's wrong?"

Kyungsoo only turned away and again shook his head. He felt completely unable to talk.

"Is everything alright with your family?"

Kyungsoo nodded his head.

"Did you have a fight with someone?"

Kyungsoo again nodded his head.

"A member?"

A nod.

"Who?"

Kyungsoo shook his head.

Chanyeol sighed. "Look, I feel like I'm playing twenty questions and you're playing charades. Can you help me out here?" Chanyeol asked. "Can't you just tell me?"

"Jongin..." Kyungsoo choked out. He pushed out a puff of air and then gasped for another breath.

 

 

"Jongin?" Chanyeol said, sounding confused. "You're fighting again? What the hell happened?" Kyungsoo just shook his head. Chanyeol sighed. "So we're back to that?" He put his arm around Kyungsoo and stroked his arm. "Look, I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry. Do you want me to just leave you alone for now?" Kyungsoo nodded his head. "You know," Chanyeol said, "You're head is really good at telling me yes or no, but other than that it doesn't tell me much." He stroked Kyungsoo's hair. "I'm just gonna leave, then you can tell me about it later, when you've calmed down, okay?"

Kyungsoo nodded, which made Chanyeol laugh. He felt Chanyeol get up off the bed and heard him leave the room. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his quickly beating heart. He was horrified at this whole day. He felt he wanted to crawl into bed and fall into a deep sleep that would last about ten years. But he knew he'd be lucky if he got five hours.

Alone, Kyungsoo willed himself to calm down and stop crying. He stripped his pants off, changed into a t-shirt and slipped into bed. As soon as his head hit the pillow, his mind started racing. Kyungsoo knew he had always had a special place in his heart for Jongin. The boy was beautiful, sexy, caring and talented. Sometimes when he looked at him a certain way, he thought his heart would burst. He even found himself getting butterflies in his stomach when Jongin touched him. He knew there was a legitimate reason for that, but he didn't really want to entertain the idea. Like he told Jongin, it would just complicate things for them to have a relationship. First, they were best friends and being anything more could ruin it. Second, the eyes of so many were on them. His stomach lurched at the thought of bringing harm to the group just because they couldn't restrain themselves. As these thoughts wound around and around in his mind, he began to drift off.

Kyungsoo jumped a little as he heard a light knock at the door. Chanyeol walked in the room. 

"Sleeping?" Chanyeol asked.

He felt listless, almost unabel to get words out. "No, not yet. Just lying here."

"You don't mind if I get in bed to sleep do you? If so, I can go to Baekhyun's room or the couch."

"No, go ahead. I'm going to try to sleep too." Kyungsoo rolled over with his back to Chanyeol and closed his eyes. 

"Kyungsoo...," Chanyeol called softly.

"Yeah?" His heartbeat picked up.

"Do you want to talk about it now?"

"No. And yes. I don't know." He kept his back to Chanyeol, because he thought he wouldn't be able to speak if they were face to face.

"Give it a try," Chanyeol said softly.

"I don't think I can get myself to say the words." He was surprised at how rough with emotion his voice sounded.

Chanyeol got up from his bed and sat on Kyungsoo's. "Come on, don't make me take drastic measures. I know some very effective torture techniques to get you to talk."

"Don't even," Kyungsoo warned.

Chanyeol proceeded to poke Kyungsoo around his side and underarm area, causing him to yell out.

"Stop!" he demanded.

"Not until you talk."

"Knock it off, Chanyeol!" Kyungsoo said as he tried to squirm away from his tormentor.

Despite being upset over Jongin and pissed off over being tickled, Kyungsoo couldn't help but laugh a little. But his laughter died as Jongin walked in.

"Oh," Jongin said, surprised. "I heard yelling, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay." He looked back and forth between the two boys. "I guess it is. Have fun."

As he walked out, Kyungsoo called after him. Jongin didn't respond.

"Uh oh," Chanyeol said. "Did I just make things worse?"

Kyungsoo rolled onto his back. "I don't know. Who knows what's going on in his messed up head."

"Why is he messed up? What happened?"

"He's messed up because...he likes me."

"I know. We all like you, Kyungsoo, even if you beat us."

"No, I mean he really likes me." He took a quick look to check Chanyeol's reaction, but didn't see any surprise there.

"I know."

"No, you don't understand," Kyungsoo insisted, getting up off the bed and proceeding to pace the room. "He likes me enough to kiss me, and confess to me."

Chanyeol's eyes went wide. "Really? Wow, he's got some balls!"

"Like I said, nuts. Why would he do that?" Kyungsoo ran his fingers through his hair.

"I don't think it's so nuts. I'd say it was brave," Chanyeol said, stopping him from his pacing frenzy and squeezing his shoulder in support.

He looked up into Chanyeol's eyes. "Brave?"

"Of course. Do you think that was easy for him to do? Especially confessing to a boy who could very well choke the life out of him?" He laughed. "Shit, you scare the hell out of me sometimes."

He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "No, I guess not."

Chanyeol smiled wide. "You didn't choke him, did you?"

"No, I just yelled. And I hit him with a pillow once, which I shouldn't have done." Kyungsoo shook his head. "Stupid Jongin."

"You can think what you want, Kyungsoo, but I don't think it was stupid. A lot of people never confess to those they like, or love, and they might be giving up the love of their lives, you know? If you never let that person know how you feel, you'll never know what could have been. It might be a regret you live with for the rest of your life. If you confess and are rejected, at least you know you gave it a shot. You won't have to wonder if it could have worked out."

"Such the romantic." Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, but inside his words struck fear in his heart. What if he really was losing out on the love of his life?

"Better than being lonely and bitter. Better to believe in love, even if I never find it, than to feel sure it doesn't exist for me. What a miserable way to live."

"I don't think you'll have any trouble finding love, Chanyeol. You're tall, good-looking, happy and fun to be around." He gave him a weak smile.

"Are you confessing to me?" Chanyeol teased.

"Not even." Kyungsoo pretended to kick him.

"You know, Jongin is a great guy. Really sweet and gorgeous." He waggled his eyebrows. "And he chose you. The real question here is how you feel about him. Do you like him?"

"No comment." Kyungsoo's face felt hot and he couldn't look at him.

"Well, there's my answer." He sounded victorious, like he'd just won a game.

"It's...it's not what you think, Chanyeol."

"No need to worry. I'm on your side, kid." Chanyeol ruffled Kyungsoo's hair. "Don't worry so much. Good night."

"Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo called softly. "Why are being so good about this? Why aren't you freaking out?"

"Because I love you and I want you both to be happy, whatever that means. And I want you two to work things out because when you're miserable, I suffer." He crawled into his bed and pulled up the covers. "Besides," he said, laughing, "Tao and Sehun broke me in. I'm used to this stuff now."

Soon Kyungsoo heard his slow even breathing and knew he was asleep. He wondered where Jongin was sleeping.


	12. Confiding in Friends, Even if They're Annoying

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun was talking on the phone when Jongin appeared in his doorway looking distraught. "Hold on," he said into the phone. "What's up?" he asked.

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

He held the phone against his chest. "Uh, I guess, but why?"

Baekhyun saw Jongin's face scrunch up in apparent pain, and told his caller, "Sorry, something's up. I have to go. I'll call you back when I can."

"Who was that?" Jongin asked, curious despite his troubles.

"It was Ana," Baekhyun said, somewhat proudly.

"Do you think that's a good idea, keeping things going with her after they threatened you?" Jongin asked, then, "What am I talking about? Who am I to be worried about your shit when I've got my own to deal with?"

"What shit are you talking about, and why are you swearing?"

"Why can't we live like normal people, Baekhyun?" Jongin asked as he shuffled over to Baekhyun's bed. "Why can't you have a girlfriend? Why can't I...nevermind." He plopped onto the bed and flung himself back.

"Hey, hey, hey, why are you on my bed?" He pushed on Jongin's shoulder.

"You just said I could sleep here."

"Yeah, here as in my room, not my bed. Try the floor." Baekhyun nudged him with his elbow.

"I want to stay here," Jongin said quietly, patting the bed.

Baekhyun noticed an interesting and sad quality to his voice, so he started to feel bad. "Okay," he said. "I guess you can stay here for the night."

Barely audible, Jongin offered a "thank you."

"Are you homesick or something?"

"No," Jongin replied. "You don't need to worry about my problems. Just go to sleep." 

Even though he felt bad for Jongin, his strong desire to know everything could not be dampened. "Wait, you said something about me not being able to have a girlfriend. Which I do. But then you said something else about you. What were you talking about?"

"So you're fully admitting it now?" Jongin asked. "That she's your girlfriend?"

"Yes, to you, right now. But don't change the subject. I'm asking about you. What do you want to do that you can't?" When he didn't get an immediate answer, Baekhyun rubbed his face in exasperation. It wasn't in his nature to be so patient with someone so frustrating.

"I want to be in love too," Jongin finally said. "And talk on the phone. And meet up. And feel good about it. I don't want to feel scared or guilty," Jongin admitted. "Most of all, though, I want to be loved back."

Baekhyun clasped his hands together. He loved getting the good stuff. "Ooooh, a one-sided love, huh?"

"I think so. I don't know," Jongin said, shaking his head. "I just got yelled at and it didn't feel like love to me."

Baekhyun cocked his head. "What? Who yelled at you?" He had an idea, but didn't want to make too many assumptions. He wanted to be told.

"I don't think I should tell you. You have a big mouth."

Baekhyun stomped his foot. "Now wait a damn minute! You just led me along with your pitiful story and got me all involved and feeling sorry for you, then you're going to just cut me off? That is so annoying!"

"Okay, but keep your mouth shut," Jongin insisted. Baekhyun nodded, so he continued. "Why do you think I'm in your room instead of my own?"

"Chanyeol ate something funky and now he's smelling up the room?" Baekhyun asked with a mirthful grin. Jongin gave him an I'm-not-amused look and the smile faded from his face.

"No, that's not why. And it doesn't have to do with Chanyeol."

"Okay, so Kyungsoo. What hap...wait, you were talking about wanting to be in love and be loved back." Baekhyun's mouth dropped open so wide it seemed like it would come unhinged. It was like he got lessons from Luhan. "Oh...my...God, you're in love with Kyungsoo!!!!!!! It's true! The fans are right! I was right! Have you lost your mind?! Were you lured to the darkside?" He stood up suddenly. "Should we call an exorcist?"

"Will you shut up!" Jongin flared, anger obvious on his face. "Stop fucking joking around!"

He waggled his finger. "More swearing, tsk tsk."

Jongin dropped his face into his hands. "I don't know what I was thinking when I came to your room. I should have known you were going to be a jerk. I should have just gone to the couch." He tried to leave but Baekhyun grabbed his arm to stop him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't help it. I'm actually not that surprised though. I was getting a vibe from you two."

Jongin gave him an annoyed look.

"Okay, I'll shut up. Tell me about Kyungsoo."

"I told him. That I like him."

"Is everybody gay?!" Baekhyun yelled.

"What?! Shhhhhh!" Jongin moved to mash his hand into Baekhyun's face, but Baekhyun expertly dodged it.

"Ah, haha. I'm just joking around. It's a line from this funny movie..."

"I'm leaving," Jongin said, disgusted.

"No, sorry. Nevermind." He got up and blocked the door. "I'm guessing your confession didn't go over very well."

"No," Jongin said softly. "Like I said, he got upset."

"As the evil ones will do," Baekhyun said, smiling once again. Jongin shot him another look and he quickly turned serious. "Okay, go on."

"What if you confessed to Ana and she screamed at you like you were a horrible person?"

"That would suck."

"Yep. So that's what happened. I told him I'd sleep in another room tonight. He can decide if he wants me out for good."

"Jongin, I know I joke around a lot, but seriously, I'm sorry. That totally sucks." Baekhyun gave his shoulder a little squeeze. "Like I said, the fact that you guys have some kind of thing going on doesn't surprise me. Kyungsoo has kind of let on, and I'm sure he doesn't want you out. Try to get some sleep, if you can."

Jongin climbed back in the bed and rolled over, facing away from him. A short time later he appeared to go to sleep. Baekhyun watched over him for a few minutes. "Damn," he whispered to himself before drifting off.

JONGIN

Jongin pretended to be asleep, so Baekhyun would stop talking to him. Once he quieted and fell asleep, so did Jongin. He slept fitfully, but tried to keep from thrashing. He didn't want to wake his bed mate. Fleeting dreams about trying to find Kyungsoo, and not being able to, plagued him. Feeling like he couldn't walk fast enough, and his mouth wouldn't spit out the words he wanted to say. He felt like Kyungsoo was in trouble and it was so scary that he couldn't help. It caused his body to jerk awake, which caused Baekhyun to shift and mumble. He remained still and quiet to let Baekhyun drift back to sleep. He began to take deep breaths to shake off that horrible nightmare feeling. Is this how it's going to be, just a nightmare from now on? He wanted to punch something, but figured Baekhyun wasn't an appropriate target. He did his best to sleep until it was time for them to get up, which definitely came too soon.

"Hey, lazy, get up!" Baekhyun said, continuously pushing his foot on the bed and making Jongin feel like he was on a boat.

Jongin waved his arm around. "Okay, okay, okay. I got it. Stop moving the bed!"

"I don't think I want to sleep with you anymore. Go back to your own bed from now on."

"Hmmm, I don't know about that," Jongin said, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Way to start the morning, thinking about something I don't want to think about.

Baekhyun started bouncing the bed again. "Oh, just go make up with your boyfriend for God's sake. Don't be a baby!"

Jongin sat up. "He's not my boyfriend. And keep your mouth shut about it." Jongin said, with more force than usual.

Baekhyun held up both hands as if to say, who me? what did I do?

Jongin pushed past him and padded down the hall to the bathroom. Unfortunately, Kyungsoo was headed in the same direction. He stopped in his tracks and Kyungsoo hesitated. Jongin waved his arm toward the bathroom in a "you first" gesture. Kyungsoo took him up on it and continued to the bathroom. Jongin headed to his bedroom since it was now empty of Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was there, however.

"Hey," he said dejectedly. 

"Oh, hey." Chanyeol was tuning his acoustic guitar. 

Jongin felt those eyes on him, making him completely uncomfortable. What is he looking at? What is he thinking? Does he know what happened? This is so embarrassing!

"Jongin," Chanyeol said with his usual cheer. "I can't wait to release our new song. I think it should do really well, don't you think?"

"Mmmmm," was all Jongin could manage. It was true, he really was excited about it. The choreography was interesting and it was really fun. Their comeback was just two days away, but now he was preoccupied with other thoughts. He absentmindedly shuffled through his clothes, but wasn't really seeing them. Man do I have bad timing, he thought. I'm supposed to be concentrating on our comeback and all I can think of is that little twerp. After randomly pulling out some sweat pants and a t-shirt, he shut his dresser drawer harder than he meant to.

"Damn, Jongin, was it something I said?" Chanyeol asked playfully. He pulled his beanie over his mess of hair and flashed Jongin a smile.

Jongin didn't feel like smiling back.

~~~

Later that day, at the practice room, Jongin tried to concentrate on perfecting the choreography. They had it down, but they wanted to brush up and polish their performance for the music shows they'd be attending. Somehow, though, Jongin kept screwing up.

"Jongin," Junmyeon said, hand on his hip. "What's up? Did you not get enough sleep or something? This isn't like you."

Jongin rubbed his forehead nervously. "Yeah, not a great night of sleep. Don't worry, I'll get back on track."

"Okay," he said, putting his arm around Jongin. "I hope so."

As the members filed out of the practice room, Jongin felt a hand on his waist. He turned to find Kyungsoo.

"Are you in pain? Is your waist giving you problems?" Kyungsoo asked, genuine concern on his face.

"My waist is okay," Jongin replied softly, "but I am in pain."

"Really? Where?"

"It's not physical pain, Kyungsoo." He fixed him with a stare.

"Oh..." Kyungsoo began biting his lower lip.

As Jongin made to leave again, he felt himself being held back.

"Wait," Kyungsoo whispered. "Wait until they're gone."

He froze and waited for the chatty members to leave the room. He was getting impatient as Baekhyun and Chanyeol continued to fool around loudly, but was relieved when Kyungsoo shooed them out with his hand. He thought he caught knowing looks from the two as they left. Was everyone onto their drama?

Jongin turned to Kyungsoo. "Do you have something to say to me?"

"Yeah. Sit down."

Jongin sat, nervous about what was going to happen. Was Kyungsoo going to cut him off for good?


	13. You're My Fried Chicken

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun made sure the door to the practice room was closed, then stopped Chanyeol by grabbing his sleeve.

"What?" Chanyeol asked as he spun around.

Baekhyun tilted his head toward the practice room door. "Let's hang out here."

Chanyeol gave him a suspicious smile. "Why? Are you going to eavesdrop?"

"No, although it's going to kill me not to." He danced around on his toes for a second. "I just think we need to watch the door. Make sure no one goes in. Cause I think those boys have some shit to work out."

"Yeah, seems like it," Chanyeol agreed.

Baekhyun's eyes went wide. "What do you know? Have they told you anything?"

"I know that Kyungsoo was really upset last night, and Jongin never came to bed." Chanyeol shuffled his feet. "Do you know?"

"I don't know all the specifics, but I kind of know. I can't say though, cause I promised Jongin. And Kyungsoo, come to think of it."

"What, he actually told you stuff?"

"Jongin and I talked about it a little last night." He was starting to feel sort of twitchy, and his fingers did a little wave. "And Kyungsoo and I kind of shared our secrets with each other."

Chanyeol smiled wide. "What secrets do you have?"

"I can't tell you. It's a secret," Baekhyun said playfully, and laughing hard. He covered his mouth in hopes that Kyungsoo and Jongin wouldn't hear him. "What kind of conversation is this?" he said, his words muffled under his hand. "It's like dumb and dumber!"

"Pffft. Speak for yourself. I'm not dumb." He poked Baekhyun in the chest. "And stop trying to distract me."

Baekhyun decided to play stupid. "Huh?"

"Nothing,"Chanyeol said. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "What did Kyungsoo tell you about? He talked to me too, but I don't know if he told you the same thing."

"I can't tell you. I said I wouldn't say anything."

"But I think he told me too. Just tell me what it was about, in general. Then we'll know if it's the same," Chanyeol said, looking up and down the hall to make sure no one else was around.

"All I'm going to say is that it was about Jongin." Baekhyun smiled and raised one eyebrow.

"Okay, me too. So he told you about Jongin, and you told him about...?"

"You could probably guess." He really didn't know how much the members had paid attention, or what they might have figured out.

"Ana?"

Baekhyun nodded his head. "I haven't really talked to anyone about it because I didn't want to stir up trouble. But I did talk to Kyungsoo because he was there. And he doesn't blab."

"You could've talked to me," Chanyeol said, sounding kind of hurt.

"I know." Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol's wrist. "And I do trust you. I wasn't avoiding you on purpose. I think it just came up with Kyungsoo when I was trying to get information out of him about what was going on with Jongin. Just an exchange of information."

Chanyeol just nodded his head in understanding. "I'm going to have to get a girlfriend so I have some stories to share with you."

"You won't have any trouble with that," Baekhyun said with a big smile.

Chanyeol leaned against the wall. "So what are you going to do about her?"

"Not sure," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not the smartest person, Chanyeol. I don't know how to keep myself out of messes."

"Is that what she is to you, a mess?"

"No, I wouldn't say that. She's not a mess. But I tend to make things messy because I don't know how to behave. Fans, or whatever, have been talking. You know, all those nasty types of things they can say if they think you're too close to someone. So of course now the company wants to put the lid on it." His body started to vibrate with nervousness.

"Ah, now you know how Jongin and Kyungsoo feel when you tease them about people commenting."

Baekhyun blew air up, making his hair flutter. "At least those are mostly nice messages. They aren't writing nice comments about me these days, that's for sure. And SM isn't stupid. I think they're going to fire her just to keep her away from me." He felt desperate, but didn't quite know how to really express his feelings.

"Did they say that?" Chanyeol asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Not in so many words, but they've told me and her to stay away from each other. I know what that means."

He shrugged his shoulders, at a loss, then walked over to the practice room door. He badly needed a distraction from thoughts, so he put his ear to the crack and waved Chanyeol over with a smile.

KYUNGSOO

Sitting cross-legged on the floor of the practice room, Kyungsoo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Jongin, I think I owe you an explanation." His heart was beating so fast and loud it almost made it hard to talk.

"Okay, keep going." He looked at Kyungsoo expectantly.

He reached out and touched Jongin's hand briefly. "I've been completely unfair to you. And I guess a little confusing. But it's not just because I'm a jerk, or that I like playing games with you. It's much more complicated. I feel like I have to tell you what's really going on so that maybe you can understand me. And not hate me." He wanted to kick himself for sounding so nervous.

"I'm listening."

He gulped, and told himself not to hold back. "Well, it's kind of complicated. Or maybe it's simple. Maybe I'm just not good at expressing how I feel," he said, his finger running lines on the floor. "Anyway, I've been at war with myself for a while. Usually I'm pretty good at keeping things under wraps so that everything seems okay, but I think I'm starting to go to pieces."

"Why?" Jongin asked. Concern was starting to replace the coldness on his face.

"Because of you," he said, bluntly.

When Jongin opened his mouth to protest, Kyungsoo quickly stopped him. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming you. I'm just pointing out what it is that's driving me nuts. Of all the things in the world, you're the one thing I find really hard to resist. But you're also the most dangerous."

Jongin crossed his arms and furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Think of it this way, when there's something you really want, but you know you can't have it, it's better if you don't even entertain the idea of having it. I hope I'm making sense." He paused to contemplate how to explain it.

"Like if I couldn't have fried chicken?"

He asked the question so seriously, Kyungsoo couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, sort of. You're my fried chicken." He booped Jongin on the nose.

Jongin smiled at the touch, his eyes searching Kyungsoo's.

He leaned forward. "I'm serious. You are that thing for me. I mean, you're not food, clearly," he said with a laugh. "You're much more important than that. You're everything I want and can't have." He shook his head. "I'm not stupid. I know I can't have you. Not for real. And so I just go on trying to accept it. But then you say and do things that are sooo tempting." He tapped his chest. "It tests me. Makes me angry even. Not at you, really, but at the situation. I want you, and you seem to be handing yourself over to me, but if I give in to you, it could end up being a disaster. It scares me." He ran a hand through his hair, hoping Jongin couldn't see it shaking.

Jongin just sat there blinking at Kyungsoo for a while, then was finally able to utter, "There's so many things swirling around in my mind that I don't know what to say right now." He bounced his legs up and down. "First, are you telling me you like me? As more than a friend? It sounds like it, but I need to know for sure. If so, I'm think I'm going to faint."

"Yes," Kyungsoo said without hesitation. He scooted closer, so that they were knee to knee, and looked into Jongin's beautiful eyes. He couldn't believe he was actually doing this. "Yes, I like you. That's really putting it mildly." He swallowed hard. "I have, for a long time. Since forever. It seems unreal to me that I'm actually saying it though." He shook Jongin's shoulder lightly. "And please don't faint."

"Really?" Jongin asked, blinking furiously and sounding almost desperate.

"Yes, really," he replied with an embarrassed smile. "Was I so good at hiding it that you didn't know?"

Jongin started to stammer as tears filled his eyes. "Uh...well, I thought...I thought you might. I hoped you did. It seemed like you did. But then I doubted it. You always kept yourself at a certain distance. And you would get so angry when I pushed it."

"Self preservation," Kyungsoo said, wrinkling his nose. "You know first-hand how unraveled I became whenever you tested me." He began to chew his bottom lip, a habit he hated but couldn't rid himself of. "You must think I'm unbalanced, one moment yelling at you and the next telling you how much I like you. I wouldn't blame you if you told me to buzz off." He looked closer at Jongin's face. "Oh my God, are you going to cry?"

He covered his face. "I'm trying not to. I don't want to cry in front of you. I'm so stupid."

"It's not stupid." He pulled Jongin's hands down so he could see his face. "Do you think I'm so cold-hearted that I never cried over you?" he asked. "If so, you'd be wrong."

"You actually cried?" He sniffled.

Kyungsoo nodded his head, his ears turning red. "After I yelled at you. I hated myself for that. And I was upset that you were offering me what I dreamed of, and I wasn't taking it." He leaned in. "And I really did want you to kiss me, even though I was a jerk about it."

He shook his head. "Wow, I can't even imagine it." A single tear finally fell, and he wiped it away.

"Well, it's true. Ask Chanyeol. Unfortunately he caught me. He's never going to let me live that down."

"Probably not." Jongin laughed through his tears. "I'm sorry you cried because of me," he said.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo whispered in his ear. "Stop being sorry for everything. It was because of me, not you. You're fine just the way you are, whatever you say or do. Don't be sorry, even if I get mad."

Just then, Kyungsoo witnessed Jongin's resolve weaken as his tears really started to pour. He reached to wipe his tears away, holding back his own. "Don't cry, Jongin. I'm not worth it." His heart was confused. Hating himself for all the things he did to hurt Jongin, and all the things he wanted to do but was afraid to. And feeling overwhelming love for the boy in front of him.

"I can't help it," Jongin said, taking Kyungsoo's hand from his face and holding it in his own. "And you're worth it. You're worth everything. I'm so happy."

"I'm really glad you're happy." He focused on the warmth of Jongin's hand, and felt tears come to his own eyes. "But why?"

Jongin wiped his tears with the back of his other hand. "Because you like me. And you're being honest with me. Talking to me, and not being angry. That's all I want."

Kyungsoo's voice began to waiver. "But, I'm not sure what it means for us. That I like you. I'm scared to do anything about it." He rested his forehead briefly on Jongin's shoulder, feeling his own tears form. He willed himself not to let them fall.

"It's okay. It doesn't have to mean anything other than we like each other. There are no requirements. We can just let things happen. Or not. It's just good for me to know. Thank you for telling me," he said, touching his temple to the top of Kyungsoo's head.

Kyungsoo loved the feeling.

"I like this," Jongin said softly.

"What?"

"Being close to you, and holding your hand." He stroked Kyungsoo's hand with his thumb.

He started to feel tingly. "You've held my hand before." He brought his head up to look at Jongin.

"I know. But it feels different now." His face beamed.

"Yeah, a lot feels different now," Kyungsoo agreed, relishing the feeling of Jongin's skin. Skin he'd touched a hundred times before, but was now sending a new electrical feel into his body. "And I like it too."

JONGIN

Jongin was surprised to find Chanyeol and Baekhyun in the hallway as they left the practice room.

"What are you two still doing here?" he asked.

"Ah," Chanyeol started, putting on his biggest shit-eating grin. "Um, we were just having a conversation about...stuff, and we just sort of stopped here."

"No," Baekhyun countered, "we were guarding the door for you, so you could have some alone time, uninterrupted."

Jongin saw that Kyungsoo was clearly mortified, and he was a little embarrassed himself. "Well, thanks," he offered.

"No problem!" Baekhyun said cheerfully. "Hey, you two lovebirds hungry? Want to get something to eat with us?"

At the word 'lovebirds,' Jongin saw Kyungsoo dig his fingers into Baekhyun's bicep.

"Ahh!" Baekhyun squeaked out. "I didn't spill anything! You told Chanyeol too!"

"How do you know that unless you discussed it?" Kyungsoo questioned, still firmly attached to Baekhyun's arm.

"Because," Baekhyun said, still struggling against Kyungsoo's grip, "Chanyeol and I aren't stupid, much to your belief otherwise, and we figured out you had talked to us both."

Jongin was relieved to see Kyungsoo release his grip. "And I talked to Baekhyun about it too," he confessed. "I don't know what came over me, really."

'Ah, good," Chanyeol said. "So we're all on the same page. Let's eat!"

The four of them headed out to a local place they loved to eat, picking a private table in the back. Knowing they had some privacy, they relaxed and enjoyed their meal together. Jongin could barely wipe the huge smile from his face.

"So," Baekhyun said, mid-meal, "should we expect to hear wedding bells soon?"

"Not funny," Jongin said with his mouth full of rice. He reached out to stop Kyungsoo, who was raising his chopsticks in Baekhyun's direction.

"Don't get any funny ideas," Kyungsoo warned quietly. He knew there could be people listening anywhere at any time. "It's not like we're dating. We just talked about things."

Jongin's heart dropped a little. It wasn't a surprise to him. He knew they weren't dating. Despite their talk, they weren't anything, really, other than friends. But still, he didn't like hearing Kyungsoo be so quick to deny it. Like the idea of dating Jongin was offensive to him.

"Well, when you guys come to your senses, let me know," Baekhyun instructed. "I'll totally be your best man."

"Never gonna happen," Kyungsoo insisted with a shake of his head.

Jongin looked over at him, hurt.

"The best man part," Kyungsoo clarified.

Jongin smiled so hard he thought his face might break.


	14. I Think I Just Went to Heaven

KYUNGSOO

The next free night they had, Kyungsoo and Jongin went to a late night movie together. It was something they loved, but didn't get to do much anymore. They made sure to pick an unpopular movie showing really late, then showed up early so they could enter the theater while it was still empty. One of their managers had driven them there, along with Junmyeon. Those two were going to go for coffee and a late stroll along the Han River. Sounded like a date to Kyungsoo, but he knew it wasn't. Junmyeon just wanted to get out for some fresh air, but didn't want to go alone. And really, their managers were a lot like friends. The manager bought their movie tickets, and they wore hats and glasses hoping they would go unnoticed.

It worked as far as they could tell. There was no one in the theater when they entered. They chose seats in the very back row so they could keep their eyes on anyone else that came in, and wouldn't have any prying eyes behind them. They shared a large popcorn and Coke, the popcorn in between them, the Coke on Jongin's side. As each movie trailer showed, they chatted about whether they thought it looked any good.

"Too bad we can't come to the theater to see all the movies we want," Jongin lamented.

"Yeah, but we're here now, which is cool. Besides, I kind of like watching movies at home with you. It's cozier." Kyungsoo felt himself blush.

When the feature film started, the lights dimmed and they settled into silence. Kyungsoo could hardly pay attention to the movie because he was so happy to be with Jongin, and so relieved that they were no longer arguing. If he was a more demonstrative person, he'd probably be squealing. As it was, he sat quietly next to Jongin, nibbling popcorn and occasionally holding out his left hand so that Jongin could hand him the Coke. At one point two people came in and sat down front, but they must have been bored because they didn't stay. Kyungsoo was glad, because they had the small theater to themselves.

Before long, the popcorn tub was empty. Jongin set it aside and lifted the arm rest between them. As the action in the movie slowed, Kyungsoo felt a bit drowsy. Without much debate, he leaned over to rest his head on Jongin's shoulder. It was warm, and Jongin smelled good, so it seemed like heaven. Was Jongin glad? He didn't know. He could only hope so.

What am I doing? he thought. Am I doing what I think I'm doing? What he thought he was doing was making a move on Jongin. Not an overtly sexual one, not at that point, but it definitely felt like romance to him. He wanted it to be romance.

"Does this bother you?" he asked quietly.

"Not at all," Jongin replied with a gulp.

Kyungsoo snuggled a little more into his neck and slid his hand down his arm until he found Jongin's hand, then linked their fingers. So warm, that feeling. He wanted to feel that warmth all over. Desire welled up inside him, a desire he was used to feeling but would normally bury. He was tired of denying himself, so tonight he decided to let himself do what he wanted. And what he wanted was to kiss Jongin.

He lifted his head slightly, to take in Jongin's beautiful profile.

"What?" Jongin asked, looking over. "Is my shoulder uncomfortable?"

Kyungsoo shook his head as Jongin searched his eyes.

"Then wha...," Jongin tried to say, but he was cut off by Kyungsoo's lips.

He kissed him quickly, catching mostly Jongin's bottom lip and, even though it wasn't much, he felt a trail of fire shoot down his chest, spreading through his body.

Jongin looked around the theater, as if afraid they might be caught, but of course there was no one there. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Mmm," he nodded, raising his left hand to run it through the back of Jongin's hair. As he let his hand drift down the back of his neck, he lightly drew Jongin toward him for another kiss. This time, he made sure to get him full on the mouth. Although he didn't want to get too out of hand at the theater, he allowed himself to run his tongue along Jongin's lips, and slightly inside. He tasted both sweet and salty, from the Coke and popcorn.

After Kyungsoo moved away, Jongin took a few hitched breaths. "I...uh...," Jongin tried to speak, shifting in his seat and adjusting his pants. "Kyungsoo, I don't think you should do stuff like that in public."

Glancing at his crotch and getting the drift, he nodded. "I'll wait until we get home."

"Oh, shit."

JONGIN

Jongin watched the rest of the movie in a daze. If someone asked him how it ended, he wouldn't know. The ride back from the theater seemed to take forever, and it was torture for him. He had been so turned on by Kyungsoo's advance that it was all he could do to keep his hands to himself. At the same time, nervousness was making him fearful. What if he did something wrong, or went to far, and Kyungsoo got angry? How would they even find the private time to continue what was started? What will it be like tomorrow? Will Kyungsoo regret it?

The feel of a hand on his thigh brought him out of his head. He turned to look at Kyungsoo, who was smiling at him. He smiled back and hoped his eagerness didn't show. He glanced at the rearview mirror of the car to find Junmyeon's eyes looking back. Jongin quickly looked away and quietly removed Kyungsoo's hand from his thigh.

When they arrived at the dorm, Jongin led Kyungsoo to their room and shut the door. They stared at each other, wordless, until Jongin asked, "Should we continue where we left off?"

Kyungsoo bit his lip and nodded, then lowered his head with the shy smile Jongin had seen so often over the years. He'd always thought it was cute, but now it was driving him mad. He approached, but Kyungsoo kept his head down. Jongin supposed Kyungsoo had lost some of the nerve he'd had at the theater, so he asked, "Do you want me to kiss you?"

Kyungsoo let out a small "yes".

"You're not going to hit me, are you?" Jongin teased.

"No," he said, looking up. "I'm done hitting you."

Jongin approached and pulled Kyungsoo to him slowly. Kyungsoo once again let his gaze drift to the floor. Jongin gripped his upper arm with one hand, and lifted Kyungsoo's chin with his other, leaving them to face to face. "Are you okay?" he whispered. Kyungsoo nodded.

With that affirmation, Jongin placed a gentle kiss on Kyungsoo's lips. Just a peck, but he let it linger for a moment. Then he let his hand slide from Kyungsoo's chin to the back of his neck, giving him a firmer kiss. When he parted his lips slightly, Kyungsoo did the same, and Jongin allowed his tongue to find Kyungsoo's. It was almost more than he could handle. He was finally tasting Kyungsoo in a way he had always wanted, and there was no alcohol.

He tried to keep himself from getting too charged up so that he didn't push things too far too fast, so he just kissed Kyungsoo softly and slowly. This was especially difficult for him to do when Kyungsoo placed a hand on his waist, then gently stroked up his side, his thumb venturing onto his chest.

Jongin broke their kiss and breathed out slowly. Kyungsoo's big brown eyes were staring at him intensely, and he was mesmerized.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo said in his ear.

"Mmm hmm."

"I'm sorry I took so long."

Jongin shook his head to show that there was no need to feel sorry.

"Really, I was stupid. I've wanted this all along, and I was so dumb to tell myself I couldn't have it. I feel liked we've missed so much."

"Things happen when they're supposed to," Jongin said, stroking his arm to reassure him.

Kyungsoo nodded and leaned up for another kiss. Just a soft and chaste peck. Jongin was disappointed, yet glad. If they hadn't cooled things down, he's not sure what he would have done. Getting to the point of no return was a bad idea, especially with some of the other members around in the dorm.

Almost as if on queue, Chanyeol came through the door. He stopped short when he saw them so close. "Uh, did I interrupt something?" he asked.

"No, we're through," Kyungsoo said matter-of-factly, then broke into a smile.

"Okay, that's good to know," Chanyeol replied. He smiled as his ears turned red and went about grabbing his bed clothes. "Can I go to bed now, or should I leave?"

"Go to bed, Chanyeol," Kyungsoo said, throwing a plushie across the room in his direction.

"All right. Just give me a warning when you want to be alone. I can always go somewhere else."

"We'll remember that," Jongin said. He was embarrassed, but was bursting with happiness when Chanyeol gave them a thumb's up as he left the room to wash up. Unconditional love and affirmation from your friends, he knew, was sometimes hard to come by, and was precious to have. He knew he and Kyungsoo wouldn't have it from all the members, so it made him appreciate Chanyeol and Baekhyun as true friends.

When Chanyeol returned, Kyungsoo left to go clean up. Jongin felt a little awkward, being alone with Chanyeol now, so he busied himself with his phone.

"So," Chanyeol said as he climbed into his bed. "Is it finally official?"

"Is what official?" Jongin asked, knowing full well what he meant.

"You and Kyungsoo, dummy. I swear, it's written all over your faces."

"Well, I don't know how official it is. He didn't put a ring on it or anything, but yeah, we're together now." Jongin felt shy and happy at the same time. He was, in fact, so happy that he wanted to jump into Chanyeol's arms and celebrate. But instead, he just sat on Kyungsoo's bed, waiting for his turn in the bathroom, his bed shorts in hand.

"I'm glad. I didn't like seeing Kyungsoo so messed up. Hopefully he can be happier now." Chanyeol snuggled down into his bed, turning to face the wall. "You too. I want you to be happy. Good night."

Jongin sat in silence, waiting for Kyungsoo to return. He was so touched by what Chanyeol said that he had to hold back tears. When Kyungsoo came back, Jongin rose, hugged him, whispered "Chanyeol's the best" in his ear, and headed off to the bathroom.

When he returned, Kyungsoo was already in bed, and Chanyeol seemed to be knocked out. As he made to climb in his bed, Kyungsoo waved him over. Jongin raised his eyebrows, questioning.

"Come here," Kyungsoo mouthed.

Jongin debated for a moment, then crossed the room to Kyungsoo's bed.

"Get in," Kyungsoo told him with a whisper. "If you want."

Jongin did want, so he climbed in and reclined on his back. The bed was small, so Kyungsoo rolled onto his left side, facing Jongin. Unexpectedly, Jongin felt Kyungsoo's hand on his bare stomach. He looked over at Kyungsoo, who was looking back at him.

"Can I kiss you again?" Kyungsoo asked, barely audible. When Jongin gave him the go-ahead, Kyungsoo leaned in for another heavenly kiss. Jongin couldn't believe how much he loved the feel of those full lips. Lips he had obsessed over for years. Kissing him was far better than he had imagined, and he had imagined it a lot. The kiss, combined with Kyungsoo's hand roaming over his stomach and chest, was something he couldn't resist, and he started to feel himself harden.

He grabbed Kyungsoo's hand. "You shouldn't," he whispered, contrary to what he wanted.

"I said I'd finish what I started at the theater," Kyungsoo said softly, his mouth touching Jongin's ear. "And I meant it."

He was a bit wary, having Chanyeol in the room, but Jongin wasn't going to argue. Besides, trying to be quiet so Chanyeol didn't catch them made it more exciting. He let go of Kyungsoo's hand, allowing it to roam. He breathed in sharply as he felt a hand tease him along the lip of his shorts. What happened to the reserved boy who got upset whenever I pushed too hard? He thought briefly, but then realized he didn't care. He just let himself get lost in the feeling of Kyungsoo on his skin. He was fully hard now, and dying to be touched. Kyungsoo obliged by running his hand over him, on the outside of his shorts. Jongin let out a little hum, but tried his best to be quiet.

"I'm glad you like it," Kyungsoo breathed. His hand returned to the opening of Jongin's shorts. "Can I?" he asked in Jongin's ear.

"Mmm," was all he could get out. He hoped Kyungsoo knew that meant 'yes.'

Apparently he did, because he felt Kyungsoo's hand reach in to feel him. "Oh my God," Jongin whispered as he felt Kyungsoo against his own sensitive skin. The few sexual encounters he'd experience with others did not prepare him for the overwhelming heat and urge that came over him. It was a whole new ecstasy for him. He gave in to it as Kyungsoo stroked him, and when Kyungsoo resumed kissing him, it put him over the edge, causing him to come. It had happened so fast, and his mind was spinning.

Kyungsoo kissed him on the cheek, then asked, "Are you okay?"

Jongin couldn't speak yet, so he just nodded. Getting off had never been so emotional. He couldn't believe he felt tears in his eyes. When he covered his eyes with a hand, Kyungsoo asked him what was wrong.

"Nothing at all," he said, keeping his voice to a whisper. "I think I just went to heaven."

Kyungsoo matched his whisper, to make sure they didn't wake Chanyeol. "Well, you're back in your room now. And don't be so cheesy. We need to get cleaned up. Again."

Always practical and neat, Jongin thought. And even though he just wanted to lie there and bask in the moment, he knew he really should get up. It's not good to leave things to get messy and gross. So they both got up and took a quick trip to the bathroom to freshen up.

"I'm sorry, Kyungsoo," Jongin said as he wiped himself down, a little embarrassed to be doing so. "It happened so fast, and I didn't do anything for you."

Kyungsoo washed his hands and splashed some cold water on his face. "Yes you did. But as for what you're talking about, you'll get your chance."

He could feel his face turning red. "Okay, good," he said through a smile.

"Jongin, I don't want to waste a lot of energy hiding this. I want to let the guys know. Soon. We've already got two on board. What do you think?" he asked.

"I'm okay with it if you are," Jongin said, but he felt a little nervous at the prospect of telling all the members.

"Good. Now let's actually get some sleep," Kyungsoo suggested. Jongin nervously followed him back to the room.

"Your bed." Kyungsoo pointed, directing Jongin to his own bed, which he gladly climbed into. He was spent now, and needed some sleep. He thought he might have some interesting dreams tonight, and he was excited to see what tomorrow would bring.


	15. Come Here You Big Balls of Gayness!

BAEKHYUN

The next morning, as Baekhyun gathered his things for practice, Chanyeol popped his head in his room spouting, "Good morning, sunshine!" at the top of his voice.

"Good morning, nutjob," Baekhyun replied, throwing a t-shirt at him. He noticed an unusually big smile on Chanyeol's face and figured he had something up his sleeve.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Just want to make sure you're ready for practice," Chanyeol said, still smiling wildly.

"And that means you have to come in here smiling like a weirdo?" he asked, zipping his bag and lifting it on his shoulder. "Something must be up. What is it?"

He rubbed his hands together. "Uhhh, there is. But I can't say."

"You know that kind of shit drives me crazy, right? If you can't tell me, you shouldn't even hint at it," Baekhyun said as he pushed past Chanyeol and out into the hall.

Chanyeol turned to follow. "You'll find out eventually. I just can't tell you right now."

"Well, it better be soon, or I'm going to haunt you in your sleep," Baekhyun threatened playfully.

Just then one of their managers popped in and called them to get in the vans. In the beginning, the K and M members used to get in their respective vans, but now everyone just mixed however they wanted. Today, Jongdae hopped in the van with Baekhyun, which made him happy. Jongdae was someone he could have a lot of fun with.

"Oh my God," Kyungsoo said as Jongdae entered the van.

"Don't pretend you don't love me, Soo," Jongdae said.

"No pretending here. I love and hate you in equal measure, but hate tips the scale when you're with Baekhyun."

"What do you mean?" Baekhyun asked, wearing his most innocent face. "You think I'm a bad influence or something?"

"I think you and Jongdae together are more than the sum of your parts."

"Why do you have to talk like that?" Baekhyun asked, truly curious. "Can't you just talk like a normal person?"

Kyungsoo's eyebrows lifted. "Do you think I'm normal?"

"No," both Baekhyun and Jongdae answered in unison.

"There you go," Kyungsoo said with finality.

Baekhyun noticed that Kyungsoo didn't give them as much crap as he normally would, and that he had completely turned his attention to Jongin. To him, it looked like they were shooting love arrows at each other, but then again, he was always one to read into things and let his thoughts run wild. He decided to let it go. He was more interested in what Chanyeol was hiding than anything those two were doing.

At practice, he noticed that Ana was not present, something which made him nervous. He could feel his nerves affecting his body, making him feel jittery. Still, he put his full effort into practice, and when it was over he was completely beat.

On the way back, he heard Kyungsoo tell Junmyeon that he wanted to meet with him privately when they got home. Damn it, he whined to himself, why all these secrets? I want to knooooowwww!

When they got home, he went to his room and called Ana to ask why she wasn't at the practice session.

"They told me to stay away," she told him, hurt in her voice.

"They finally did it, huh?" he asked, starting to fume.

"They told me that you and I we're too visible to fans and that I needed to stay away from you. They said it was wrong of me to get so close to you." The shaking in her voice scared him, but he let her continue. "I was kind of stubborn at first. I didn't want to just give in to them, but it is my job we're dealing with, so I tried to placate them and told them I would back off. I think I'm off the job until they either let me go or assign me somewhere else."

He was so angry, he couldn't help but raise his voice. "Why are they only giving you shit? I'm not some innocent little boy that you overpowered. It's not fair that they're laying the blame in your lap. That pisses me off."

"Let it go, Baek," she implored. "Don't say anything to them. Just let it be for now. We'll just have to be more careful if we want to stay together."

"Hmmm," Baekhyun said, breathing slowly to calm himself down. "Are you home tonight? Can I come over?"

"Baek!" she yelled. "What did I just say?! Just stay at home and relax. We're just going to have to play it by ear."

"Damn it," was all he could say before he started to cry.

KYUNGSOO

As the members filed into their respective dorms, Junmyeon caught Kyungsoo by the arm. "You wanted to talk to me? What is it?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah, but privately." He nodded his head toward the bedroom door and grabbed Jongin's arm to make him follow. As he passed by Chanyeol, he asked, "Can we have the room for a few minutes?"

"Sure," he replied.

Kyungsoo nodded his head in thanks and led both Jongin and their leader into the room. He held out his hand to Junmyeon in a 'please sit' gesture. He couldn't sit himself, he was too nervous.

"Uhhh," Kyungsoo began, shifting on his feet, "I have something I want to say to the group, or I should say we do, but we wanted to come to you first. We didn't want to blindside you."

"Should I be worried?" Junmyeon asked, but Kyungsoo could see that he already was.

"That depends on how you feel about it," Jongin replied, "but probably yes." He was standing next to Kyungsoo, but a couple of paces further back.

"You know all too well," Kyungsoo began, "that Jongin and I have had some recent ups and downs." He paused as Junmyeon nodded his head. "Well, it was because the two of us were struggling with our relationship. We were a mess. But we've been working on it, like you wanted, and the result is that we've...," he paused again, taking a deep breath before spilling the beans. "We've started seeing each other, as in dating." He crossed his arms and waited for a reaction. There wasn't much of one. Junmyeon just sat, staring back and forth between them, the brain gears obviously working.

"So," he finally said, "what you're saying is, you're a couple?"

"Yes," they both said. Jongin reached out and gave Kyungsoo's hand a quick squeeze.

"And it's because I told you both to work it out," he mumbled to himself. "Great."

"It would have happened anyway," Kyungsoo reassured him.

Junmyeon sat quietly for a moment, then his eyes widened. "And you want to tell everyone?"

"Not everyone," Jongin clarified. "Just the members for now. Then maybe the managers. But not the public, if that's what you're worried about. We might be kinda crazy to do this at all, but we're not suicidal."

"Your thoughts?" Kyungsoo asked Junmyeon, feeling uneasy at the thought of upsetting their leader. He crouched down so he could look directly into his face. "Are you against it? I'm only asking out of curiousity. You being against it is not going to change anything."

Junmyeon sighed and grabbed Kyungsoo's wrist lightly. "No, Kyungsoo, I'm not against it personally. But I'm worried about how it will affect the group, and you two."

Kyungsoo stood back up and began to pace. Even though he knew it was a legitimate concern, one he himself had, he was starting to feel heated. "Has Tao and Sehun affected us negatively?"

"Those two haven't made any kind of declaration. You have." Junmyeon waggled a finger back and forth between them.

Kyungsoo told himself to stay calm and reasonable, but he couldn't help feel annoyed at the way some people got treated differently than others in this group, just like Baekhyun said. "Do they need to make a declaration for it to be true? Or is it just that if they don't, we can all pretend it isn't happening?"

"I don't know, Kyungsoo," Junmyeon said, starting to sound weary.

"Are you against us telling the others?" Jongin asked.

Junmyeon put on a business-like air. "If that's what you want to do, I'm not going to stop you. Would you rather have a team meeting and tell everyone at once, or are you going to tell each member personally?"

Kyungsoo looked at Jongin. They hadn't discussed that part. He raised his eyebrows as a way of throwing the question to Jongin.

"Let's tell everyone at once, like ripping off a bandaid," Jongin suggested.

"Right now?" Junmyeon asked.

Kyungsoo could tell their leader wasn't that thrilled with the idea of doing it right away, but he wanted to get it over with. "Might as well, since we're all around at the same time," he said. "Then we won't have to worry about it all night."

"Okay, I'll call them together," Junmyeon said as he stood up. He looked them both in the eyes before leaving.

Jongin approached and embraced him. "Thank you," he said softly. "And I'm sorry." He pulled back. "Are you disappointed in us?"

"No, Jongin." Junmyeon patted his back. "The best thing you can do with your life is to live it. And you are." He looked to Kyungsoo. "Come out when you're ready."

"Oh my God," Jongin said, once their leader was gone. His legs were wiggling. "Is this really happening?" He took Kyungsoo's hands in his own and played with his fingers nervously.

"It is," Kyungsoo said with a smile. "But Jongin, what are we? How should I refer to you? Are you my boyfriend now?"

He smiled. "If you want me to be. I hope you do, cause I don't let just anyone touch me like you did." He laughed, embarrassed.

"I do." When he placed a quick kiss on Jongin's nose, butterflies started dancing around in his stomach.

"Aaah," Jongin said, a shy smile on his face. "I hope to hear you say that to a much more important question one day."

"Don't piss me off and I just might," Kyungsoo teased.

Jongin wrapped his arms around his middle. "How did you get so brave, Kyungsoo, after being afraid for so long?"

"I've always been brave for myself," he said. "It was just the weight of everyone else that scared me. But now that I've crossed the line, there's no going back."

As Jongin hugged him, Kyungsoo felt a warmth spread through him, soothing his nervousness. They stayed like that for a while, Jongin carressing his back all the while. They broke apart when Jongin suddenly said, "I gotta pee."

"Nervous pee?" Kyungsoo asked, laughing.

"Yep. Be right back," he said, and rushed out the door.

Kyungsoo paced the room as he waited for his boyfriend to come back, but Junmyeon returned first.

"Jongin?" Junmyeon asked, looking around the room.

"Bathroom."

"Okay. I've got everyone gathered in the living room, so whenever you're ready."

Kyungsoo nodded and took Junmyeon's hand. "Thanks," he said. "For being a cool leader. And friend."

Junmyeon placed a hand gently on the side Kyungsoo's face. "Now, you and I both know I'm not cool, but I'll always be here for you. For all the members."

Just then Jongin entered the room. "Hey, get your hands off my man!" he said, testing the atmosphere by joking. He was pleased when Junmyeon smiled and said "of course."

"Ready?" Kyungsoo asked. Jongin nodded and they made their way to the living room, Junmyeon behind them.

"Okay," Junmyeon began, "these two have something they want to say. Remember, this is between us, so be discreet in the future."

Kyungsoo could see worried looks on some of his members' faces, but he noticed that Baekhyun looked expectant. That little shit always wants the dirt, he thought.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and began. "You guys, I hope this isn't going to upset you, but we wanted you to know what's going on. One, because you deserve to know, and two, because lying, sneaking around and keeping secrets is just too much work. Especially when we're overwhelmed with work in the first place."

"We," Kyungsoo continued, pointing his finger to Jongin, then back at himself "are dating now." He felt Jongin's hand on his shoulder as he looked for the reactions of his members.

Baekhyun began clapping his hands furiously like a fool, Jongdae and Chanyeol wore happy grins, but Yixing, and even Kris, looked confused.

"Wait," Yixing said, narrowing his eyes to slivers. "Maybe I'm not understanding the Korean right. What are they trying to say?" He looked to Luhan for an explanation.

"They're saying they're a couple now. You know, like Kris and Mei are."

"Really?" Yixing asked, looking back to Jongin and Kyungsoo with a shocked expression.

"Really," Jongin said, his smile faltering.

"Huh," Yixing said, like he was still working it out in his head. "I guess it's a good thing that I don't room in their dorm."

"Yixing!" Junmyeon scolded. "Don't be rude!"

"We're all supposed to be okay with this?" Luhan asked, setting Junmyeon with a stare.

"What are you talking about, Luhan?" Baekhyun interrupted. "You're practically attached to Minseok's hip. How can you possibly have an issue with these two?" Baekhyun hitched his thumb toward Jongin and Kyungsoo.

"But we're just friends, we're not fucking," Luhan said said with attitude.

"We're not either," Kyungsoo said, a coldness creeping into his voice.

"Yet," Baekhyun added. Kyungsoo's arm shot out to land a punch on Baekhyun's arm. Baekhyun rubbed his arm, and the look on his face said he knew had had crossed the line. 

"Hey, we didn't come in here to discuss what we do or don't do in private. That's none of your fucking business." Anger was creeping into Kyungsoo's voice. Jongin patted his shoulder and Kyungsoo took a deep breath. "We just wanted you to know, that's all." He sounded resigned now.

"I wish I didn't know," Yixing said, eyes glued to the floor.

"I won't apologize," Kyungsoo said, looking around at the group. "And it's okay if you don't like it. We can't expect everyone to be happy about it. And I, for one, would rather know where you really stand." He turned to Yixing. "You don't have to be happy about it, but it's true nonetheless." Yixing just nodded his head. "That's goes for all of you."

"We're not telling management yet, but that doesn't mean you have to keep it from them," Jongin told them. "We're just going to lay a little low around them. If they happen to ask about us, just tell them to come talk to us." Everyone nodded.

"That's it," Kyungsoo concluded. "Unless you have anything to say."

"I do," Baekhyun said, standing. "It's about fucking time! Haha! Come here you big balls of gayness!" he yelled, trying to enfold both of them in a group hug.

"I'm happy for you, too," Chanyeol added, joining the hug.

"Can I go?" Yixing asked.

"Sure," Junmyeon said, waving his hand for him to go.

The members dispersed as the four came out of their hug. "That was awesome," Chanyeol said. "I didn't know you were going to tell everyone like that. I thought I was going to have to be like a secret spy with your info."

"Just one of the reasons we wanted to come out with it," Kyungsoo said. "It's not fair to make anyone keep the secret for us, even ourselves."

"You really do have a big set of balls," Jongdae said, clapping Kyungsoo on the back.

"He does!" Baekhyun said. "I've seen them!"

They all started laughing as Jongin hid his red face behind his hands.

"I'm hungry after all that," Jongdae said. "I need snacks. Who's coming?"

"Me, I need some nibbles," Chanyeol said.

Kyungsoo watched Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Jongdae leave the dorm, then turned to Jongin. "Well, that went better than expected."


	16. Can I Taste You?

JONGIN

Later that night, as Jongin and Kyungsoo walked down the hall to their room, they ran into Junmyeon. Jongin hugged him and said thank you.

"I hope everything is going to be okay for you two," Junmyeon said before moving on.

The two boys continued to their room, where they flung themselves down on Kyungsoo's bed, mentally exhausted.

"It's funny," Jongin said out of the blue, "that the fans are right about us, but they don't know it."

"I wish we could tell them. I really do," Kyungsoo said sadly. "Even though some of them would turn on us for sure. At least we wouldn't be fake, talking about our ideal type of girl and all that bullshit."

"You don't have an ideal type of girl at all?" Jongin asked, turning to stare at the side of his face.

Kyungsoo turned toward him and cuddled up to his shoulder. "Not really. There are girls I think are pretty, but none of them are my type. I'm not interested in girls. You're my type," Kyungsoo said, taking hold of Jongin's hand. "You?"

"Nope, not into girls." His face beamed with a smile. "I know some guys can go either way, but I'm not one of them."

"Fangirls are not going to want to hear that," Kyungsoo said with a bitter laugh.

They continued talking, playing out possible future scenarios, when someone knocked on the door. The door wasn't locked, so it puzzled Jongin for a moment.

"Hello?" Chanyeol called loudly. "Are you two decent?" he asked as he opened the door, his hands covering his eyes. "We don't want to interrupt anything," he continued, making a big show about not seeing whatever perverted things they might be up to. Jongdae and Baekhyun, behind Chanyeol, followed suit. They put their hands out and blindly felt their way into the room, Jongdae with a bag in his hand.

"Knock it off," Kyungsoo said. "There's nothing going on. We're perfectly decent, you pervs."

They lowered their hands and opened their eyes. "Oh, good," Chanyeol said.

"We come bearing gifts," Jongdae added. "For the new couple." He threw a bag at Kyungsoo, who reluctantly looked into it.

"What the fuck?!" Kyungsoo spit out. "You're such assholes!" He got up and hurled himself at Jongdae, throwing him down on the bed.

Jongdae screamed dramatically as Kyungsoo punched him repeatedly on the upper arm. "Jongin, help!" he called. "Call your dog off!"

Chanyeol was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his face. Meanwhile, Jongin was turning red after taking a look in the bag himself.

"You think that's funny?" Kyungsoo asked, turning on Chanyeol. "I should rip your head off your bean-pole body!" Chanyeol just kept laughing, which pissed Kyungsoo off even more. "Get out!" he yelled. "All of you!"

Jongin jumped as Kyungsoo turned to him and said, "Don't just sit there, help me drag these assholes out of here."

Jongin got up and helped Kyungsoo push the boys toward the door.

"I'm going to stay with Baekhyun tonight, so you guys have the room to yourselves. Put that stuff to good use," Chanyeol said as Kyungsoo shut the door on him.

Jongin started laughing. "Calm down, Soo. Why are you so mad?"

"I don't want those idiots to even have one thought about what we do when we're alone," he huffed.

"They're just teasing us. They wanted a reaction from you, and they got it. In a big way," Jongin said, ruffling Kyungsoo's hair. "Besides, this will come in handy." He turned the bag over and dumped the contents on the bed: condoms, lube and personal wet-wipes.

"Put those away," Kyungsoo insisted.

Jongin placed them in the drawer of the nightstand next to Kyungsoo's bed, then turned to see a red-faced Kyungsoo. "Awww, come here you hot-head." He held his arm out, beckoning Kyungsoo to sit next to him.

When Kyungsoo sat down, Jongin pulled him in, close to his side. "You know," he said, "I hate to admit it, but it kinda turns me on when you're mad. Not at me, of course."

Kyungsoo looked at him with a smirk. "They drive me crazy sometimes," he admitted.

"I know," Jongin said, getting up and gently pushing Kyungsoo down on the bed. "Let me give you a massage, to help you relax and calm down."

"Make sure the door is locked," Kyungsoo said, still irritated.

Jongin quickly checked the door and returned to Kyungsoo. "Take your shirt off, then turn over and close your eyes," he said softly.

When Kyungsoo did as instructed, Jongin straddled his waist. He began softly kneading his shoulders and sending his hands up and down one arm, then the other.

"Ahh, that feels good," Kyungsoo said, his voice muffled.

Jongin moved his hands to Kyungsoo's back, first massaging deeply, to loosen the muscles, and then lightening his touch to a soft caress. When Kyungsoo seemed completely relaxed, he asked him to turn over.

Jongin lifted off of Kyungsoo as he turned around, then straddled him again, looking down into his eyes. "I like this view better," he said.

"Cheesy," Kyungsoo said, smiling.

Jongin ran his hands along Kyungsoo's shoulders. Although he got a lot of crap for having narrow shoulders, Jongin loved them. He loved how small Kyungsoo was in general. He moved his hands to Kyungsoo's chest. He knew some people wanted six pack abs and muscley arms, but Jongin didn't need or want them. He wanted the soft, smooth body of Kyungsoo. "I love your skin," he said, barely audible. When his fingers drifted over Kyungsoo's nipples, he heard him take a deep breath.

He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Kyungsoo, whose eyes were closed and not expecting it.

A sound like "mmm" came out of his mouth.

"More?" Jongin asked.

"Mmm hmm."

Jongin kissed him on the mouth, then pulled back slightly to run his tongue along Kyungsoo's upper lip. When Kyungsoo's lips parted, he returned to the kiss, melding his tongue with Kyungsoo's. He couldn't believe how turned on he was just by kissing him. He's got some kind of spell on me, he thought fleetingly.

As they continued to kiss, Jongin could feel Kyungsoo harden under him. He rocked against it a little, making Kyungsoo open his eyes and stare at him intensely.

"Fuck, Jongin," Kyungsoo sighed, reaching up to feel Jongin's chest. "What are you doing to me?"

"I'm making you feel better," he whispered in Kyungsoo's ear, then ran his tongue lightly along the edge of his ear.

"Aaaah, who taught you that?" Kyungsoo asked, raising his hips slightly.

"No one," Jongin said, still at Kyungsoo's ear. "I just want to taste all of you."

Jongin sat back up and scooted off of Kyungsoo's waist, eyeing Kyungsoo's hard-on. "I'm glad I can do that to you," he said, unbuttoning Kyungsoo's pants.

"I've held that back for a long time," Kyungsoo whispered.

"You don't need to anymore," Jongin assured him. He moved to the end of the bed to pull off Kyungsoo's pants. He could see how hard Kyungsoo was under the snug boxer briefs he was wearing and felt himself getting there too.

"Can I?" Jongin asked, his hands hovering over the briefs. Kyungsoo nodded his head and Jongin pulled them down and off. To Jongin, Kyungsoo looked impatient, so he wasted no time taking a hold of his dick and stroking softly.

Once again, he leaned up to Kyungsoo's ear. "Can I taste you?" he asked softly.

"Yes," Kyungsoo whispered.

Jongin moved back down the bed and leaned over Kyungsoo's hard dick. He ran his tongue across the head experimentally, eliciting a loud exhale from Kyungsoo. He had never done this before, and wasn't quite sure what to expect, but he figured he would just let things happen naturally. He proceeded to run his tongue up and down Kyungsoo's shaft and occasionally running it over his balls. When he got the kind of reaction he wanted, he focused on that area a little more. Finally, he took the plunge and brought Kyungsoo's dick fully into his mouth. It was slightly salty in a pleasant way, and felt soft, despite its hardness.

He knew, this being his first time, that he was clumsy and unsure, but by Kyungsoo's reaction, he wouldn't have thought so. Kyungsoo made soft, beautiful noises, like intense breathing infused with a sweet hum. Hearing him sound like that made Jongin want to please him even more, and he attempted to take in even more of Kyungsoo. For a small boy, Kyungsoo was not lacking in this area and, Jongin being new to this, couldn't quite get as much in as he wanted.

He guessed he was doing a good enough job though, because Kyungsoo started saying his name softly. "Jongin, oh my God," he said, taking a deep breath and raising his hips slightly. Jongin just kept at it, changing it up a bit, lightly dragging his teeth along Kyungsoo's skin now and then, until Kyungsoo exhaled a "fuck" and came.

Jongin sat up. Still fuzzy from the rush, and it took a second to realize he had Kyungsoo's come in his mouth. He swallowed it instinctively, and wiped his mouth. He felt dazed. His own hard-on was still there. It brushed against Kyungsoo's leg, the slight friction there sending warm, pleasant pulses of feeling through him and causing little twitches.

Kyungsoo sat up and, looking into his eyes, ran his fingers in Jongin's hair. "You're amazing."

Jongin shook his head. He wasn't amazing, he was just learning.

"Here," Kyungsoo said, leaning forward and taking Jongin's dick in his hand. Jongin closed his eyes and let Kyungsoo stroke him. Unexpectedly he felt Kyungsoo lips on his own. But, he just came in my mouth, why is he kissing me? he thought. But all thoughts ceased as Kyungsoo's tongue roamed and his hand worked. It wasn't long before Jongin let go.

"I guess the gifts will come in handy after all," Kyungsoo teased, smiling as he grabbed the wipes and pulled some out.

"Kyungsoo," Jongin said, a little unsure of himself, "did I do okay?" He turned pink as he took the wipes he handed him, and started self-conciously cleaning up.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo said, resting his hand on Jongin's knee, "you were perfect."

He shook his head again, not believing it. "I'll get better," he offered. He threw the used wipes in the trash next to the bed, then threw some unused tissues on top to conceal them.

"If you get any better, then I'm in trouble," Kyungsoo joked, threading his fingers through Jongin's hair.

"But," Jongin started, unsure if he wanted to ask, "have you done that before? Have you given a guy head before?"

Kyungsoo smiled slightly, looked away from Jongin for a moment, then looked back. "I have," he said, without any hint of shame. "A boyfriend I had in high school. I guess that makes me sound kind of wild, but I really wasn't. I didn't get around much, but this one boy, I liked him a lot. And, well, you know, teenage hormones and all."

"So did he do it to you, too?"

"Yes. Ah, I'm getting embarrassed now." Kyungsoo hid his face in his hands.

"Don't be embarrassed," Jongin said, soothing him by rubbing his back. "I'm just curious."

"I know. It's always embarrassing thinking about the things you did when you were younger," he said. "We weren't very good at self control then. I wasn't able to put him off the way I've been putting you off all this time." His smile widened. "But the wait with you has definitely been worth it."

Jongin smiled, satisfied. He reclined on the bed and looked up at Kyungsoo. "But what about actual sex? Have you ever been with someone like that?"

"No, never wanted to," Kyungsoo admitted, lying down next to him and pulling the covers over them both. "Well, it's not exactly true that I never wanted to. I've wanted to, with you, for a long time."

"But instead you just pushed me away," Jongin said, sounding regretful.

"That I did. I'm sorry." He took hold of Jongin's hand.

"So, do you think the guys gave us condoms and stuff because they really expect us to have sex?"

Kyungsoo laughed. "Who knows what they think. They probably just want to bother us. Me especially. We don't need to rush it, but we might need them one day, don't you think?"

"Mmmm."

"But I think we should both visit the doctor before we go that far. I guess we should have before doing anything, but too late for that."

"What?!" Jongin exclaimed. "Why?"

"Well, I don't think we really have anything to worry about, but I'm sure a lot of people out there have regretted thinking they didn't have anything to worry about. So just for piece of mind, you know? There is stuff you can catch just by mouth. We need to be responsible."

"It's scary to think about," Jongin admitted. He started nervously rubbing the hand that was holding his.

"I know." He placed a kiss on Jongin's temple. "This is all new to me too, so we can work it all out together, okay? If we get the all-clear, then we can relax a little. You don't have to be scared. I won't hurt you."

"Mmm," Jongin answered. "I trust you."

And like that, next to each other, they fell asleep.

BAEKHYUN

The next morning, Baekhyun woke up next to Chanyeol, who had his long, gangly arm draped across his head. He ducked out from under the arm and glanced across the room. Sehun's bed was empty. Why couldn't anyone sleep in their own beds anymore? he wondered. It was love and sex, he supposed. Even he wasn't immune to it and had spent his share of nights out of his bed. A dangerous thing, he thought as he shimmied himself out from under the blankets and clambered over Chanyeol.

He thought of Jongin and Kyungsoo's potential night of passion and wondered if they used any of their 'gifts.' It made him laugh. In his imagination, he visualized he and Chanyeol having sex, and thought it was ridiculous. In order to rid himself of the vision, he shook his head violently.

He padded out into the hall and looked around, searching for Kyungsoo or Jongin, so he could give them a hard time, but they weren't up and about yet. He did find Junmyeon though, in the kitchen.

"Hey," he said quietly to his leader.

"Good morning." Junmyeon glanced over as he rinsed off a bowl.

Actually cleaning? he thought, but decided not to say. "Things are getting interesting around here, aren't they?" he asked.

"They are," Junmyeon replied, a touch of seriousness in his voice. He stopped rinsing. "A little too interesting as far as I'm concerned."

"Aww, don't worry, leader." Baekhyun slung his arm around him. "Everything will work out." Junmyeon gave him a distrustful look which amused him. "No, I mean it. Even if we have some kind of scandal break out, we'll survive. Look at all the other groups that have gone through a scandal."

"Yeah," Junmyeon said, going back to his rinsing, "but they don't get through it unscathed. Someone's got to suffer."

"Hmm," Baekhyun contemplated, grabbing a towel and drying the bowl, "suffering builds character."

"You think?" he asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "You're probably right, but we should reserve our judgment until it happens to us."

"It might happen sooner than you think."

"Don't say that. You're going to give me nightmares," Junmyeon said, trying to shoo Baekhyun out of the kitchen.

"I'm going to try not to be that scandal," Baekhyun called as he left.

~~~

After washing up, he returned to his room to find Chanyeol blearily staring at the floor. "Jongin and Kyungsoo aren't up yet," he said.

"Mmmm," was all Chanyeol could muster.

"I think we scarred them for life with the gifts," Baekhyun said.

"Yeah." Chanyeol was getting more awake now. "I wish we could have been flies on the wall last night."

"No," Baekhyun said, grabbing Chanyeol's arm and shaking it, "I don't think you'd want that. Think about what you'd be seeing if you were a fly on the wall."

Chanyeol laughed sluggishly. "Still, it would be fascinating. Besides, I don't think I'd be bothered."

"You're into that kind of stuff?" Baekhyun questioned. "I never figured."

"No, stupid. I'm not into that," Chanyeol replied. "But it doesn't bother me any."

"Good to know, Chanyeol." Baekhyun patted his back while pushing him toward the door. "Now go wash up and go back to your own room. Don't know what you're going to find there but, according to you, it won't be a problem."

~~~

A short time later, Chanyeol popped his head into Baekhyun's room. "Hey," he said, "want to go with me when I open the door?"

"Oooh," Baekhyun said, raising his eyebrows. "Let me grab my phone." He began to look through his blankets for it.

"Don't be crazy, Baek. You can't take pictures. What if you lose your phone or something?"

"No, I have to!" he said. He was all hyped up now. "I'll just use the pictures to embarrass them for a while, then I'll delete them!"

"You are truly evil, my friend," Chanyeol said, but he was smiling like he was on board.

They walked quietly to the room and Baekhyun was happy to see Chanyeol had the key. He prepared his phone as Chanyeol slowly opened the door. After peeking in, Chanyeol turned around to look at him, eyes wide and hand over his mouth to stifle any noise.

"Go, go," Baekhyun whispered. He was anxious to see for himself. When he finally got through the door, he saw them together in Kyungsoo's bed. While Jongin was sleeping on his back, Kyungsoo lay on his side, almost on his stomach, his left arm resting on Jongin's chest. The best part about it, in Baekhyun's opinion, was that the blankets were partially off of Kyungsoo, so that his ass was hanging out in only a pair of underwear. Of course, the members see each other in underwear, or in nothing, all the time, but this was a golden opportunity to Baekhyun. He snapped a few photos from different angles, trying to stifle his laughter.

"Oh my God," Chanyeol let out, louder than he should have.

Baekhyun saw that Kyungsoo began to stir. He took this as a signal and promptly approached Kyungsoo, smacked his ass, then aimed his phone to get some video.

Kyungsoo groggily rolled over and saw Baekhyun filming, his eyes going wide. "God damn it, Baekhyun! I'm gonna fucking kick your ass!" He flew out of the bed faster than Baekhyun could escape, and tackled him against the door, trying to wrench the phone out of his hand.

"Chanyeol, here!" he yelled, throwing the phone to him. He was happy to see that Jongin was now sitting up to witness the mayhem.

Kyungsoo clocked Baekhyun on the side of the head and lunged toward Chanyeol, but he just raised the phone above his head, so Kyungsoo couldn't reach.

"Look, Chanyeol," Kyungsoo seethed, "I'm going to fucking grab your dick and twist if you don't fucking give me that phone."

"Now, now," Chanyeol said, one hand above his head and the other covering his dick, "let's not be hasty. I need that to be in working order."

"Hey!" Baekhyun heard from outside the door. "What's going on in there? Are you fighting?" It was their leader. He quickly locked the door so Junmyeon couldn't enter.

"No, we're not fighting," Baekhyun said through the door. "Just playing around!"

"Okay, well, don't kill each other," Junmyeon said, sounding distrustful.

"Yeah," Chanyeol said, "did you hear that, Kyungsoo? No killing." He turned to Baekhyun. "Uh, my arm's getting tired holding this phone up, what do you want me to do with it?"

"Give it to me," Kyungsoo demanded. He turned to Jongin. "Hey, help me out here."

As Jongin got up, Baekhyun waved his hand for Chanyeol to throw the phone, which he did. Baekhyun caught it and fled the room. Chanyeol quickly followed.

"I hate you!" Kyungsoo yelled as they fled.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol locked themselves in Baekhyun's room. "Let's take a look," Baekhyun said. They both looked at the phone as Baekhyun checked his shots. "Oh my god, that is so cute," he said. "I'm keeping these."

"Not on your phone, I hope."

"No, I'll put in on my laptop. I'm going to delete the video in front of Kyungsoo, so he doesn't murder me. I don't think he knows I have pictures too."

"Good idea," Chanyeol said. "I'm outta here. Gonna wash up while the two love birds calm down. Then maybe I can enter my own bedroom safely."

"Yeah, see ya."

As much as he loved to tease Kyungsoo and Jongin, Baekhyun truly was happy for them and was glad to see their relationship blossoming. He wanted to keep those pictures and, for some reason he couldn't understand, he wanted it to work.

~~~

Late that night, after some unusually easy schedules, the boys settled in at home. Baekhyun and Chanyeol had done their best to avoid close contact with Kyungsoo, and their interactions with Jongin were filled with discomfort. Baekhyun loved having the dirt on his members, but had to admit it sometimes had its downside.

Earlier that day, when alone with Jongin, the boy had asked him how he had bought their 'gifts.'

"Ah," Baekhyun started, "Chanyeol's friend was hanging out with us, so we sent him in. He got a bunch of other stuff too, so it didn't look like he was there on a sex run. He was embarrassed, but we bought him an awesome dinner in return."

"So he knows about us?" His face crinkled with worry.

Baekhyun dismissed the idea with the wave of his hand. "Nah, we didn't tell him who it was for. He probably assumed it was one of the members, but we didn't say anything about it being for two guys or anything. Stop worrying."

"So embarrassing having people in your business," Jongin lamented.

"Yeah, I hear you, but we're not just any people." He put an arm around him. "We love you, so don't worry."

Baekhyun felt Jongin grab his hand lightly, and when he looked up, the boy was smiling at him. "Thanks," Jongin said, then hesitated. "But we all love you too, and we leave you and Ana alone."

Baekhyun felt his stomach do a flip. "Do you leave us alone out of love or because it makes you uncomfortable?" He really wanted to know.

"Mmmm, both I guess," Jongin replied. "Ana is our manager, so I feel like I should stay out of her business. I don't really want to know. And I know it's hard for you, so I don't want to pressure you by asking questions."

Baekhyun's eyes drifted to the floor. "Do you think that's why everyone else, except for Chanyeol, never talk about it?"

Jongin shrugged his shoulders. "Could be. I don't really know. I think it just seems really taboo."

"And you and Kyungsoo fucking isn't taboo?" He wasn't angry, but it just didn't make sense to him.

Jongin's eyes widened in shock. "We're not fucking. And why do you have to talk like that?"

"Sorry to hear that," Baekhyun said, running his hands through his hair. "But don't you think it's a little weird that you and Kyungsoo, on top of it Tao and Sehun, are pretty much more accepted around here than me and Ana?"

"It is. I admit it. The whole way people view things, and the world we live in as idols, it's messed up. We don't even live in the real world anymore. If we did, you and Ana would be just fine. It would be Kyungsoo and I that would be ostracized." Having this conversation was really bringing their new reality home. "He and I get to love secretly, but publicly our affection is okay because we're both guys. And you can't show any affection to Ana, or any girl really, in public without being crucified. It really is twisted."

"As long as you realize it," Baekhyun said, feeling a little agitaged as he left the room.


	17. Do You Enjoy Chaos?

KYUNGSOO

Sometimes Kyungsoo would lay in bed at night and wonder if his relationship with Jongin was real. Giving himself to Jongin was something he never thought he would allow himself to do, yet here he was, caught up in this whirlwind. He was so happy he couldn't even put it into words, but he still had a ball of fear that sat in his stomach. It was like he was on a runaway train and wasn't sure if it would end in a derailment or not. But he was going to ride the train to whatever end because he loved Jongin, and he was in too deep.

It was a hectic time for them, balancing their new relationship with furious promotions for their new song. It left them with less personal time, so Kyungsoo had to take his moments with Jongin when he could find them.

He was feeling particularly deprived on the night they were to attend the Asian Idol Awards. It was just after their release of 'Growl,' so they were still feeling buzzed with success. Their stylist had prepared cool outfits and styled their hair in a way that Kyungsoo liked, especially on Jongin. He was glad he wasn't being forced to wear something completely stupid, and was feeling good.

As they watched the various stages, Jongin started to tease him. "You smell good," he said softly into his ear.

Kyungsoo tried to ignore it, but he wouldn't let up. He kept staring and touching, driving him mad. Before long, he was flirting, touching, and staring back. Jongin's beauty had never been in question, but since his relationship with him had changed and become more intimate, Kyungsoo sometimes felt that Jongin was so beautiful that he almost wasn't human. He suddenly wanted to be at home.

"I can't wait to get you home," he whispered in Jongin's ear. Sometimes he was surprised by his own boldness with Jongin, but it was like once he had set himself free, he didn't want to hold back. He could see that Jongin was fidgeting for the rest of the night, and hoped that it meant he was eager to get home, too.

As much as he wanted to just be wrapped up in Jongin, it was not to be. Jongdae, of course, had to sit next to him, with the sole purpose of bothering them both. Although Kyungsoo was annoyed by him, he couldn't help but be a bit pleased when, after Jongdae groped his leg, Jongin was visibly upset. He didn't want a possessive and controlling boyfriend, but a little jealousy here and there was a confidence booster, and he found it adorable. "Relax," he told Jongin quietly, "he's not trying to compete. He's just wants to piss you off."

After giving Jongdae a don't-fuck-with-us stare, they were pretty much left alone. Kyungsoo tried to pay attention to the show, but Jongin dominated his thoughts.

After the event, as they boarded their vans, Kyungsoo grabbed Chanyeol's arm and asked him quietly, "Can we have the room tonight?"

"Ahh, haha, okay, sure," he said with a smile and a wink.

~~~

When they got home, Kyungsoo told everyone "Shower's mine!" and quietly asked Jongin to join him. They didn't make showering together a habit, but they did so occasionally, especially when it was convenient. Kyungsoo figured the others had their minds in the gutter and thought they got up to some business in there, but usually it was just to wash up. And kiss a little.

Standing under the hot water, the two boys quickly soaped up. When Jongin grabbed the shampoo, Kyungsoo turned his back to him and tilted his head back a little. He smiled when Jongin obediently massaged some shampoo into his hair, running his hands all through it to make sure it was washed thoroughly. Then he felt himself being moved into the water stream carefully, so as to rinse the shampoo without it running all down his face. He kept his eyes closed, completely relaxed, until he felt a light tap on his ass. It was Jongin's way of saying he was all done. Kyungsoo turned around, wrapped Jongin in a wet hug, and placed a small quick kiss on his shoulder. He loved this boy so much, he sometimes wanted to physically become a part of him.

Kyungsoo tilted his mouth up to Jongin's ear and told him, "Chanyeol's letting us have the room. Let's get out of here."

~~~

When they entered the bedroom, it was empty and Kyungsoo made sure to lock the door. He took hold of Jongin's hand and pulled him close. "You were purposely trying to drive me crazy tonight, weren't you?"

"Hhhmmm," Jongin uttered in a half laugh, locking his eyes on Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo loved when he looked at him like that, like he could see into his soul, and the effect was magnified by the fact that Jongin was looking at him through his wet hair. A fluttering feeling began in his stomach, and he started shaking slightly. Not enough for Jongin to notice, he hoped. He was nervous because he had decided he was ready. Ready for something they had been holding off on. Ready for what they had been preparing for.

"I'm glad I finally have you to myself," Jongin said, laying kiss on him. "Looking at you earlier, I couldn't even concentrate on what was going on around me."

"I'm sorry. I was wrong, existing and everything." Kyungsoo flashed Jongin a teasing smile, then kissed him. He never got tired of the warmth and taste of Jongin's mouth.

"I've been wanting to kiss you all night," Jongin said, running his thumb along Kyungsoo's bottom lip.

"What would the fangirls have done if you kissed me at the venue? I almost want to do it someday." He continued to give Jongin short little kisses.

"Do you enjoy chaos?" Jongin ran his hands down Kyungsoo's narrow back.

"No, just want to give them a dose of reality." He pulled Jongin closer, so their whole bodies were touching.

"I don't think they want reality," Jongin said, with a sad tone to his voice.

"You're probably right." Another kiss, longer and deeper this time. "Doesn't matter, I guess. I have you, and you're my reality. That's what matters." He ran his hand down Jongin's stomach and brushed it lightly over his underwear, trying to rev him up a little.

Jongin hummed, like he did when he liked what he was feeling, and Kyungsoo knew it was working. He pulled on Jongin's waisteband. "I don't think you need those."

"No, I don't," Jongin replied, and let Kyungsoo slip them down. He kicked them off and took Kyungsoo by the hips. "You don't need yours either."

As they stepped toward the bed, Kyungsoo removed the white tank top he had thrown on after their shower. He pressed his hands against Jongin's chest, forcing him to sit, then turned to his nightstand. From the drawer he pulled the container of lube Chanyeol had given them and placed it on the table. They had used it occasionally, during sexual play, to help them both experiment with the idea of being entered. They had only used their fingers up until now, but Kyungsoo was now willing to move beyond that.

He stood in front of Jongin, let his hands fall on his shoulders, and bent over until they were face to face. "I love the smell of your hair when it's wet," he said in Jongin's ear. He felt Jongin leave a lingering kiss on his chest, which did something to him. Grabbing a fistful of his hair, he gently pulled Jongin back and made eye contact.

"Move back," he said. He watched as Jongin brought his legs up onto the bed and scrambled back. Kyungsoo climbed up as well, and fixed himself on Jongin, who was now sitting cross-legged. Bent low, he brought his lips to Jongin's. Jongin was being sweet and gentle with the kiss, but that's not what he wanted, so he whispered "more" against his mouth and teased Jongin's bottom lip with his teeth. With that cue, Jongin kissed him back hard, forcing him backward. Kyungsoo had to hang on to Jongin's shoulders to keep from tipping over, his short fingernails trying to dig in. Jongin's hard-on became evident against him, which turned him on even more. He reached down to stroke it, and felt himself going hard as well. He pushed back, regaining his position over Jongin.

"Lie down," Jongin instructed him. Doing as he was told, he slipped off of Jongin and reclined, Jongin now towering over him. Jongin bent for a brief kiss, then met his eyes. "Just looking in your eyes can turn me on."

"Turns me on too," he said quietly, "when you look at me." The skin on his shoulder prickled as he felt Jongin's tongue there. Each place he touched, as he peppered kisses down his body, seemed alive with feeling. When he finally reached his cock, Kyungsoo let out a small moan. This boy! he thought as Jongin drove him close to the point where he would be unable to stop him.

"No, no," he said, slapping Jongin a few times on the arm, to get his attention. "Get it." He pointed to the lube on the table, and when Jongin grabbed it, he nodded. "Like we've been doing, but for real tonight. Let it be me."

"Kyungsoo..." Jongin started, sounding unsure.

"Do it, if you want." He was ready.

Jongin placed some lube on his fingers, teased Kyungsoo with them like they'd done before, then inserted one.

"Don't take too long, Jongin."

He added a finger and continued to play until Kyungsoo seemed to loosen up. "When you're ready,"

"Now. Do it," Kyungsoo said, breathing heavy now. "Slow."

Kyungsoo felt Jongin start to push in. It was much more intense than a few fingers, but he made himself relax, and told Jongin to keep going.

As Jongin went further, he burned. And even though he felt some pain, the thought of Jongin being inside him made him feel euphoric. "Further," he said, pulling Jongin toward him by the hips.

When Jongin made it all the way in, he began to move, slightly at first, then more intensely. The lube was doing its job, and Kyungsoo was starting to enjoy the feel of it. He felt himself trying to lean into it, prodding Jongin to go harder.

"Oh fuck," he said, with a moan, when Jongin hit a particularly sweet spot. "Fuck, Jongin."

"You like it?" Jongin asked breathlessly.

Kyungsoo knew he was asking because he was worried about hurting him, and was also looking for assurance that he was doing a good job. "Yes," he whispered back. "More."

Jongin's thrusts intensified, and he was moaning softly, breathing heavily enough for Kyungsoo to feel it. He wasn't sure what he expected out of this, but it was blowing his mind. There was pain, yes, but pleasure washed over him just the same. There, behind the familiar build leading up to him coming, was a feeling in him unlike any he'd experienced before. He thought he might come just from this, but Jongin beat him to it.

"Aaahhh, Kyungsoo," Jongin said, sounding almost pained as he came. "Fucking hell." He slowed, and then gently pulled out. "Sorry," he said. "I tried to hang on." He sat up, resting with his knees on either side of Kyungsoo.

"Shut up, you idiot," Kyungsoo said, stroking his thighs. "I didn't expect a marathon. Didn't want one either. Just wanted to survive it."

"Did you survive?" He covered one of Kyungsoo's hands with his own.

Kyungsoo laughed. "Of course I did, it was you wasn't it?"

"Was it any good?"

"Pretty amazing, actually."

"But you didn't get to..." Jongin said, palming Kyungsoo, who was still semi-hard.

Kyungsoo pulled his hand away. He didn't think he could handle much more. "You gave me what I wanted."

"What did you want?" Jongin asked, leaning over and brushing Kyungsoo's bangs from his forehead.

"You," he said, looking into Jongin's amazing eyes. "I wanted you to be a part of me."

 

JONGIN

Jongin felt himself being shaken, and heard the dreaded words 'you need to get up.' He loved being a performer, but he hated the lack of sleep. He moaned and waved his arm around, hoping to drive off whoever was disturbing him, but his wrist was caught by a firm grip. He felt someone come close to whisper in his ear, "I said you need to get up." He would know that voice anywhere, and he knew the source of the voice meant business.

His eyes popped open. "Ah, Soo, good morning." He rubbed his eyes to clear his vision.

"Go wash up," Kyungsoo said.

"Mmmm," was all Jongin could muster. He got up and headed to the bathroom, but it was occupied. He padded to the kitchen and caught Baekhyun coming in the door.

"Just getting home?" he asked.

"Yeah." Baekhyun smiled, looking slightly guilty.

"No worries. I'd spend the night somewhere else if I could."

"Uh oh," Baekhyun said, "trouble in paradise?"

"No, not at all," Jongin said, eyebrows raised in surprised. He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. "I'm just saying it's crowded around here all the time. Some privacy would be nice once in a while." He opened his bottle and chugged it down.

"Privacy for yourself, or for you and Kyungsoo?" Baekhyun waggled his eyebrows.

"Both." Jongin laughed. "Sometimes I can't wait until this is all over and I can have my own house and my own life."

"That might be a while, my friend." Baekhyun said, patting Jongin on the shoulder.

"I know," Jongin said, throwing his empty bottle in the recycle. "And that's a good thing. I want this EXO thing to last. Just, sometimes, I want another life too."

"A life with Kyungsoo?"

"Why do you always have to bring him into everything?" Jongin asked, truly curious.

"I don't know, I guess because he seems to be such a big part of your life. It's in your face." He flashed a sweet smile.

Jongin smiled, embarrassed. He tried to think of something to say, but was startled out of his thoughts by Junmyeon entering the kitchen with an energetic "good morning!"

"Ah, good morning."

"Morning," Baekhyun told Junmyeon as he quickly left the kitchen. "I think the bathroom's open now."

"But..." Jongin said, staring after him. "It was my turn! Why didn't you wash up at your girlfriend's?"

"Hahaha!" was all Jongin could hear, coming from the hallway.

"Always a brat, that one," Junmyeon said, amused. "I guess he spent the night out?"

"Yeah. He could have used her bathroom." Jongin pouted. He paused, then looked his leader in the eye. "Are you mad that they haven't broken things off?"

"Mad? Not really." Junmyeon shook his head as he pulled a glass from the cupboard. "Worried, yes."

Jongin leaned against the counter. "Are you worried about me and Kyungsoo?"

"Of course, what kind of leader would I be if I didn't worry about my members?" He poured some vegetable juice in his glass.

"Mmmm. I guess we all do things that would make you worry. But," Jongin paused again, unsure if he should continue, "you always try to be so good. Don't you want to find love? Or maybe you have a secret one?"

"No, no secret love." He took a sip of his juice. "And I have the love of the members, and my friends, and my family."

"But I mean love, you know? I never see you looking for love. For yourself. Unless you have a double life."

"Because I'm not looking," Junmyeon said, matter-of-factly.

"Wow, giving up love for EXO?"

"I'm not giving anything up, Jongin. I'm not looking. I'm not interested. At all." He finished his juice.

"Oh, okay," Jongin said, confused. He had so many questions, but should he ask? Before he could decide, he heard his own voice, "But what about before EXO, were you ever in love?"

Junmyeon's brows furrowed. "Why are you asking me this stuff, all of a sudden?"

"I don't know," Jongin replied. "It just seems like everyone is getting involved, or at least talks about a crush, but I realized I never hear you talk about anyone. I was curious. You don't have to keep secrets from the members."

"To answer your question, no. I've loved lots of people, but never been in love. Not in the way you're talking about." He rubbed his face and looked away.

Jongin could tell he was uncomfortable, but was determined to play this out. "Have you ever had a girlfriend, at least?" Jongin asked. "Or...boyfriend?"

Junmyeon shook his head. "It's boring, I know. Sorry to disappoint you." He started to step away.

"What? I'm not disappointed." Jongin stopped him and smiled his biggest smile. "You must be really picky."

"That's not it." Junmyeon sighed, sounding frustrated. "I'm not interested."

"You're not interested in dating? Girls or boys?"

"No."

"Never??" Was he serious? "What about getting married someday?"

"I don't know." Junmyeon was weary now. "I don't want to get married, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to defy my parents. I'm sure they'll just about force me into it."

"No," Jongin said, sounding fierce. "Don't do it if you don't want to."

"I'll do my best," Junmyeon said, his voice soft and his eyes sad.

"Ah, you're probably better off," Jongin said with a smile, trying to cheer his leader up. "Relationships are just full of drama. And besides, you're safe knowing you won't cause any dating scandals!" He gave him a little tap on the arm before walking away.

As Jongin headed off to the bathroom, which he was hoping was free, he marveled over the conversation he just had with his leader. A strangely intimate conversation to randomly have in the kitchen, but he was glad it happened. He felt he knew Junmyeon just a little bit better now.


	18. They Don't Get to Tell Us Who to Love

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun lie on the couch, nervous and completely blocking out the chatter of Jongdae and Yixing. He had been thinking about the situation with Ana. How what they were doing could ruin her career, not to mention the effect on himself and his group, and how he was really stupid and selfish to have pursued her. He could lie to himself and say didn't intend to. They worked together after all. And he was just trying to get English tips from her in the beginning. No harm, right? But he couldn't even use that as an excuse. He created ways outside of work to talk to her and, when he could, see her. And it was he who made the first physical move. And worst of all, they had both been warned and he made no effort to back off. I'm horrible, he thought.

"How did I even get in this fucking situation?" His own voiced surprised him. He ran his fingers through his already messy hair and sat up.

"What situation?" Yixing asked, confused by Baekhyun's sudden question.

"Ah, did I ask that out loud?' He gave a nervous giggle. "Just the Ana thing. Don't really want to talk about it, actually."

"You're in this situation," Jongdae offered, "because you have a dick and she's a gorgeous girl."

"Don't be so crude," Yixing said, giving him a disapproving look.

"Just saying," Jongdae added, with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Nice of you to sum that up for me," Baekhyun responded. He was disappointed in Jongdae for not seeing how much she meant to him. How he viewed her as just a hot lay. My fault, I guess, he thought. I never let him know what she meant. I never let anyone in. It was too late now, he knew. He couldn't express how much their relationship affected him, now that it was about to end.

He stood up and gave them a limp wave before heading to his room. He had a phone call to make, and a visit he dreaded. Part of him hoped she wouldn't pick up.

His hope was dashed when she said hello, and that he could come over. And her cheery voice made it even more difficult for him to set his feet in motion. When he got to her door, he stood shaking for a full minute before ringing the bell.

The first thing he did when she opened it was to embrace her, and pepper her face with soft kisses. But then he moved away, and took a deep breath. "I'm going to stay away from you, like I should have from the beginning. I'm not worth ruining your career over. I know you can't continue to work with us, but maybe they'll let you move to another office. They have a branch in L.A., so you can be near family."

"Don't say that, Baek. You're not ruining anything. And you're worth everything." She reached to touch his face.

He stepped back. "You kill me when you say wonderful things like that."

"It's true," she said, closing the gap.

"I know it makes me sound like an asshole, but I just can't risk the scandal. And I can't mess up your life any more than I have. It's such a fucked up situation." He leaned over to give her a light kiss on the cheek, then held both of her hands in his. "You're always going to be special to me. My first love. Not puppy love, but real love. And maybe one day, when I'm not in EXO anymore, we'll run into each other again." He took a deep breath. It was hard for him to say those logical things, and remain calm, when he was dying inside.

"I'd like that," she said, crying.

Baekhyun started to cry too, and he pulled her in to a fierce hug before heading to the door. He couldn't take it anymore. It was too hard. "Let's not drag this out by calling or texting," he said, his voice wavering as he tried to control his tears. "I mean it. Neither of us need that kind of torture, okay?"

She nodded, the tears streaming down her face.

He felt a part of himself darken as he left. He was no longer the same.

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo was pulled out of his sleep by the sound of someone coming in the bedroom door. He remained still and listened. Was someone crying? Was it Jongin? He opened his eyes just a sliver and strained to see who it was. He couldn't tell any detail, but the figure bent down and crawled onto Chanyeol's bottom bunk. He heard Chanyeol muttering "What? What?" but all he could hear in response was intense crying. His concern got the better of him and he sat up.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I don't know," Chanyeol replied. "Turn on the light."

When Kyungsoo turned on the light, he saw Baekhyun crumpled up in Chanyeol's bed. He quickly got up and crossed to him. "Baekhyun! Baekhyun, what happened? Why are you crying?"

Baekhyun tried to talk, but started coughing. Kyungsoo saw Jongin's face pop over the side of the top bunk. "What's going on?"

"Something's wrong with Baek," Kyungsoo told him. "Get down here." Jongin climbed down and joined Kyungsoo at Chanyeol's bedside. Kyungsoo began stroking Baekhyun's back as Chanyeol moved hair from his face.

"Baek, try to calm down and breathe so you can talk to us. Tell us what's wrong," Chanyeol said.

"It's over," Baekhyun choked out.

Kyungsoo looked at Chanyeol who looked back at him as if to say what do we do now?

"I see," Kyungsoo said slowly and softly. He wasn't sure if he should ask or not, but he did. "Was it something you two decided on?"

"I decided." He furiously wiped the tears that were streaming down his face.

"She didn't agree?" Jongin asked.

Baekhyun gave a quick shake of his head. "No. But I know it's right. And right feels shitty." He sniffled as his nose started to run. He grabbed some tissues from the box that Jongin held out to him.

"I'm so sorry," Chanyeol said, his hand in the back of Baekhyun's hair. "I know she meant a lot to you."

"You don't even really know," Baekhyun corrected, shaking his head. "You know that we liked each other, and spent time together. But you don't know what kind of time." The tears began to abate.

Kyungsoo thought he understood, since he was now in an intensely emotional and physical relationship that sometimes overwhelmed him. "I think I have an idea what she meant to you," he said. "Let me get you some water."

When Kyungsoo left the room, he ran into Junmyeon in the hall. "Up early?" he asked.

"Yep. What's with the look on your face?" Junmyeon asked, turning to follow him to the kitchen.

"Ah," Kyungsoo began, "Baekhyun crisis in progress. I'm just getting him some water."

"Uh oh. Crisis is not the word I want to hear."

"I suppose it was bound to happen," Kyungsoo said, grabbing a water from the fridge. "Total bullshit though."

"How so?" Junmyeon asked, following him toward the bedroom.

"I just think it's bullshit when two people split up, not because they want to, but because of what others want." They stopped outside the room.

"But, things are different for..." Junmyeon started, before he was cut off.

"Nope," said Kyungsoo. "I'm not going to accept that 'It's different for us. We're celebrities so we can't have lives' crap anymore." He was getting mad now, just thinking about it. "I understand we have to be careful and all, but this is just too much. Love is forbidden? Really? That's fucked up." He knew how much that kind of thinking had messed him up, and hated that it was damaging his friend.

He left his leader and opened the door to his room. "Here," Kyungsoo said, handing the water to a very drained looking Baekhyun. "You probably don't want to hear this right now, but you'll get through this. I'm not just saying it, I mean it. You have all of us, right? We'll do whatever you need us to do until you feel strong enough that you don't need us anymore."

"I'll always need you guys," Baekhyun said softly.

Chanyeol hugged him and said, "Get some sleep, if you can. We don't have a schedule until later, so just relax. You can stay here if you want."

Baekhyun just nodded his head, gave them all an attempt at a smile and snuggled down on the bed.

"Leave or...?" Chanyeol asked, looking at Baekhyun.

"Stay," Baekhyun replied.

"Sure," Chanyeol said, squishing Baekhyun between himself and the wall because the bed was too small.

Kyungsoo looked at Jongin and tilted his head toward the door. Once they were outside the room, he turned to Jongin and said, "Don't ever let that happen to us."

Jongin took a step back from Kyungsoo's intensity. "What? Break up?"

"Break up because of other people."

"Okay," Jongin replied.

"I mean it, Jongin," Kyungsoo said fiercely. "Not the managers, not the members, not the fans, not our friends, not our families. They don't get to tell us who to love, got it?"

"Yeah, Kyungsoo, okay." He stroked Kyungsoo's neck to soothe him.

"I didn't torture myself getting to this point with you just to have someone tell me no."

"I said okay," Jongin laughed. He pulled him into his arms and kissed him on the forehead.

Kyungsoo hugged him calmly, but was doing a little dance inside. He couldn't believe how much he loved having Jongin as his boyfriend. He felt his anger fade away as it was replaced by comfort and happiness in Jongin's arms.


	19. How Can You Leave Us?

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun was surprised by his own breakdown. He didn't expect to cry like that, especially in front of others. Underneath his sadness, gratitude for his members lingered. He appreciated their concern and care. Now that Jongin and Kyungsoo had left, he rested his head against Chanyeol's shoulder and breathed deeply.

"You probably think I'm crazy. Or stupid," he said softly. The smell of Chanyeol was strangely comforting.

"No," Chanyeol replied, "why would I think that?"

"Crying like an idiot, over a girl." He sniffled loudly.

Chanyeol leaned away from him for a moment, then handed him a tissue. "It's normal to cry. And I know she wasn't 'just a girl' to you, that's all that matters."

He dabbed a tear from his eye, then wiped his nose. "She wasn't." He could barely get the words out.

"I'm sorry," Chanyeol said, rolling over on his side to give Baekhyun a semi-hug.

Baekhyun could hear the true regret in his voice, and loved him all the more for it.

~~~

In the days that followed, he struggled to sleep and didn't feel much like eating. It was hard for him to concentrate, and he found his mind running in mad circles. The guys really tried to look after him, and distract him, especially Chanyeol. And it did help a little.

Slowly, day by day, he started to feel more like himself. Different from his old self, but still himself. He figured a person couldn't love and lose someone without being changed somehow. The sadness still lingered, but no longer overwhelmed him. He tried to fake happiness by joking around and smiling, and found that it actually helped him feel better. Being nosy about Kyungsoo and Jongin's budding relationship, and preparing for their tour, was helping to keep him occupied as well. He thought he very well may be emotionally settling in to a more comfortable routine.

Until, that was, their managers called an unexpected meeting shortly before their new tour was to begin. As they gathered, he asked around to see if anyone knew what it was about. No one did. All he could do was wait nervously with the rest of them. He whispered to Jongdae, "Where's Kris?" but Jongdae just shook his head.

Finally, two managers walked in with Kris. Baekhyun was stunned when Kris told them he was leaving the group because his girlfriend was pregnant, and he wanted to go with her to China so he could be a father. He felt his face start to tingle as his mind took in all that this meant. He looked around to see the other members in just as much shock. He didn't know what to do.

He was brought out of his daze when Tao spit out, "You're a traitor!"

"Tao, don't say things like that," Sehun scolded, his arm around him, his grip firm enough to keep Tao from rising from his seat. "It's not fair to call him that."

"That's what he is!" Tao continued, distressed. "We've been working so hard for our tour and he's just dropping the ball. He knew all along what he was risking by being with that girl. He knew this could happen. He didn't care enough about us to be more careful!" He turned to Kris. "You're selfish!" He yelled through his tears, Sehun still holding him.

"Selfish for wanting to take care of my child? How do you figure?" Kris asked, clearly angry. "You're just being a baby, crying because you don't get everything your way. I wouldn't expect you to understand what it's like to feel love and responsibility for a child."

"I don't care what you have to say," Tao spit.

"Unfortunately, I don't think you'll ever know that feeling. Not someone like you." Kris said mockingly, looking hard into Tao's eyes, then shifting to Sehun. "Right, Sehun?"

Tao flew up so hard and fast that he escaped Sehun's grip. He lunged at Kris, slapping him across the face with full force. "Shut your fucking mouth! Don't bring Sehun into this!" Sehun was right behind him, trying to pull him back.

Baekhyun was shocked, but jumped into action to help Sehun. Together they pulled him away from Kris and into their bedroom.

Leaving them behind to calm down, Baekhyun returned to the living room in time to hear that Kris was removing his belongings from the dorm that same day, and would be stopping by to tell everyone a final goodbye.

For the rest of the day, he and the rest of the members walked around numb, and waited for Kris to really leave. Tao didn't come out of Sehun's room except to use the bathroom, but Sehun was seen carrying drinks to the room. Apparently they didn't feel up to eating. Neither did Baekhyun, who was not only upset about Kris leaving, but also because he couldn't help but wonder if he should have stood up harder for his relationship. He supposed not, but his gut was in knots. He rambled around the dorm looking for something to distract himself. He found that something in Kyungsoo and Jongin, who were on the couch, stuck to each other like glue.

"So, friends," he said as he approached, "what do you think about today's shit-storm?"

"I can't believe it," Jongin answered, with a slight shake of his head. "I'm shaking."

"I don't know," Kyungsoo added. "It's just life, I guess. Things are always bound to get fucked up."

"Such a bright outlook," Baekhyun teased, spreading his hands out around his face like a sun.

"Yep," Kyungsoo agreed with a smile.

"I would leave too," Jongin said, "if my girlfriend was pregnant and I couldn't maintain both being in EXO and being a good father."

"Well, it's good you don't have to worry about that," Baekhyun said in all seriousness. He put his hands up in front of him to show he meant no harm in the comment, but they didn't seem to think he did. "I'm not trying to be nasty like Kris was to Tao and Sehun," he explained. "I think that was a horrible thing for him to say. I just mean not having to worry about pregnancy would be one less thing to be scared of. 'Cause I know how it feels to have that hanging over you." A look of fear came over his face momentarily, thinking about his own scare.

Both Kyungsoo and Jongin nodded their agreement. "If Kris thinks less of Tao and Sehun, it means he sees us like that too," Jongin said, sadness in his voice. He wound his fingers into Kyungsoo's.

"Well, you're not any less in my eyes," Baekhyun replied brightly. "And I'm the important one. Remember that." He smiled his best bullshit smile and waved to them as he left the room to check on the other members. He was concerned for them all, and wanted them to be all right. He realized he loved them, and supposed this kind of love could be good enough for now. He hoped it would be enough to get him through.

JONGIN

Later that night, Kris stopped by the dorms to say his goodbyes. It felt surreal to Jongin, having a member leaving, and under such circumstances. Some of them were crying as they said their goodbyes, Yixing asking Kris "how can you leave us?" and hugging him fiercely. Jongin felt awkward and didn't know how to say goodbye.

"I don't know what to do," he whispered in Kyungsoo's ear.

"Just say goodbye, Jongin," Kyungsoo replied, caressing his lower back. "You don't need to say or do anything else."

He liked having Kyungsoo by his side when he was stressed out. It made him feel safer. He tried to quiet his mind as he leaned into him. Kyungsoo placed a kiss on his temple, and his insides warmed. When Tao and Sehun entered the room, he sat up and waited to see what would happen. He could see that Tao's eyes were red, but he approached Kris bravely, with no shame on his face. Sehun stood behind him.

"Goodbye," he said, seemingly emotionless. "I guess I understand why you have to go."

Jongin felt relieved seeing Tao so calm, and was starting to think this goodbye might go okay.

Kris nodded his head solemnly. "I'll miss you, Zitao," he said softly, his head bowed.

"Of course I'll miss you too," Tao said. "Well, the you I thought I knew." When Sehun tapped his back he added, "I'm sorry I called you a traitor. I was upset because I felt we were family. But now I see you have a real family of your own, and that's more important."

Tao reached back to find Sehun's hand and pulled him so that he was standing beside him. "But I'm not sorry," he said, holding his and Sehun's hands up toward Kris, "about slapping you."

Oh shit, Jongin thought.

"You deserved it," Tao continued. "That was such a shitty thing for you to say, especially since you know how much Sehun means to me. It just showed me what you really think of me, underneath all that friendship we shared. People like you, who put people like me down, will never change how I feel about him."

Jongin was starting to feel uncomfortable, like he was eavesdropping on a private conversation he'd rather not hear.

"I'm sorry. I was angry. I don't know what else to say," Kris said, holding his arms out for a hug. "Goodbye, Zitao."

"Goodbye," said Tao, hesitating before allowing himself to give Kris a quick, mechanical hug. Sehun just stood and watched.

As they hugged, Jongin felt like he should look away, so he turned to Kyungsoo, whose face was blank. Kyungsoo took his hand and, when Tao and Kris parted, Jongin felt himself being pulled up off the couch.

"Let's do it," Kyungsoo whispered in his ear.

Kyungsoo went first, giving Kris a quick hug and telling him, "Goodbye, Kris. Be happy and healthy with your new family."

Jongin approached after, hugging him lightly. What Kris had said earlier to Tao plagued him and made him feel like he was hugging a stranger. He felt nervous and didn't know what to say. "Send us pics of the baby."

"Sure," Kris said softly.

With all goodbyes said, Kris bowed, wished them all well, and left. Jongin felt weird. He couldn't really believe it was true. He was in a daze when someone spoke up and brought him out of it.

"We're fucked," Jongdae said.

"Come on, let's not start," Junmyeon said, sounding tired.

"You don't think we're fucked?" Jongdae asked, his voice rising.

Junmyeon put his hands out in a calming gesture. "I think we'll get through it," he replied. "Let's not be negative. We just need to work hard and weather the storm."

Jongin looked around the room to see if his members looked like they believed it, and he didn't like what he saw. Tao was obvioulsy hurt in a very personal way, but the rest of the guys looked down and lost as well.

"Let's try to get some rest tonight, so we can put in the extra effort tomorrow. It's going to be tough working things out to make up for Kris being gone," Junmyeon told the others.

"He's staying here tonight. With me," Sehun said, his arm around Tao.

"I'll stay in the living room," Baekhyun said.

"No, you don't have to," Sehun replied.

"I know, but I want to give you guys some space tonight." He touched Tao's arm briefly.

"I'll keep you company," Chanyeol said, placing his hand on Baekhyun's shoulder.

"Okay," he said with a small smile.

They had all made an effort to be there for Baekhyun after his break-up, but Jongin was pleased to see Chanyeol really taking care of him, especially now with the news about Kris. And he was also happy to hear he and Kyungsoo would have the bedroom to themselves.


	20. Looking Pretty is Easy, But Not Talking Sucks

KYUNGSOO

With Chanyeol out of their room for the night, Kyungsoo and Jongin got undressed and settled down together in Kyungsoo's bed. The drama of the day wore them out, so they weren't up to doing much. Kyungsoo was just happy to be next to Jongin after all the drama.

"I feel so bad for Tao," Kyungsoo said, snuggling into him.

"Mmm hmm," Jongin replied into Kyungsoo's hair. "It got a little messy out there, but I guess it ended better than it could have. Knowing Tao, it could have completely blown up." He paused and sighed. "I still can't seem to grasp that Kris left."

"It does seem unreal. But it is what it is. I'm not going to cry over it." He felt too worn out to be upset.

"Well, it's not like you're watching anime or anything," Jongin teased, and Kyungsoo shifted enough to bite him on the shoulder. Jongin ignored the bite and returned to the subject of Tao. "I hope Sehun can handle taking care of him. Tao, that is."

"He'll figure it out. Those two are growing up fast, it seems. Sehun even went to China to meet the family. That's pretty big, although I'm not sure the family realized Tao was bringing home a boyfriend."

"It's definitely serious," Jongin added. "Baekhyun was serious, too. He puts on a brave face most of the time, but I can see how it still affects him."

"Yeah, it's not good at all. He's so sensitive, even about little things. The break-up was big, and now the Kris thing. I'm kind of worried." Kyungsoo said, absentmindedly playing with Jongin's fingers.

"I guess it was bound to happen. The break-up."

"Do you think we're bound to fail, too?" Kyungsoo asked.

"Why would you say such a thing?" He turned toward Kyungsoo.

"I don't know." He pulled his hand away and propped himself up on his elbow. "Do you think our situation is any better than his? It's not ideal, for sure. It's pretty fucked up, if you ask me."

"It is ideal," Jongin insisted. "You are my ideal."

Kyungsoo stuck his finger in his mouth and pretended to throw up.

"What? I make you sick or something?" Jongin started to laugh.

"Your corny lines do." Kyungsoo couldn't help but laugh along with him.

"Okay, fine. I'll just keep quiet and look pretty from now on." Jongin batted his eyelashes and flipped his hair back.

"Great," Kyungsoo responded, "can you start now?"

~~~~~~

After dozing together for a while, Kyungsoo peeked at Jongin to see if he was awake, and was rewarded with a pair of beautiful brown eyes staring back at him. He sat up and looked down at his stunning boyfriend, loving his bare chest, his dark skin.

"What do you want for your birthday?" Kyungsoo asked, trailing his finger around Jongin's stomach.

Jongin pointed back at Kyungsoo.

"Oh my God, don't be cheesy." Kyungsoo laughed and shook his head. "I'm going to have to break up with you if you keep doing shit like that."

Jongin sat up, shrugged his shoulders and playfully poked Kyungsoo's cheek, making him smile, then pointed to his own lips.

"What?" Kyungsoo asked, but Jongin just continued to point. "You want me to punch you in the mouth?"

Jongin shook his head, puckered his lips and pointed emphatically.

"I have no idea what you're getting at," Kyungsoo teased. He turned away, laughing to himself until he felt a sudden pull. "Aaargh!" he yelled as Jongin held a fistful of his hair. He tried to whip himself around to face his boyfriend, but Jongin wouldn't let go. "Let go, damn it!" he yelled, trying to sound angry, but failing. He found it funny that Jongin had gotten so frustrated as to pull his hair, but was happy when his hair was released because it hurt.

He turned to Jongin, who was pouting. "Why are you being mean to me?" he asked.

Once again, Jongin pointed to his mouth.

"Aaaah, you want a kiss?" When Jongin nodded, Kyungsoo smiled. "Why didn't you just say so?"

Jongin slapped him on the arm. "I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut and look pretty."

"So why are you talking right now?"

"Cause looking pretty is easy, but not talking sucks." He continued to pout.

"Well, I know how to shut you up," Kyungsoo said, then finally gave Jongin the kiss he'd been asking for.

BAEKHYUN

After leaving Sehun to care for Tao, Baekhyun followed Chanyeol to the living room where they found their leader sitting alone on the couch, head down. Baekhyun's heart sank at the sight. He approached Junmyeon and rested a hand on his shoulder.

"It's tough, right?"

Junmyeon just nodded his head. "I'm the leader, and I couldn't even keep things together."

"Yeah you're the leader," Baekhyun said, stroking the back of Junmyeon's head, "but that doesn't mean you can control everything. No one can. Besides, Kris was a leader too, and he chose to leave. It's not your responsibility, and it's not your fault. Take it easy on yourself."

Junmyeon nodded his head and stood up. "I'm heading to bed, guys. Good night."

"Shit," Baekhyun said, once Junmyeon was out of the room. He hated seeing their leader in such a state.

"Don't get worked up," Chanyeol told him. "Let's just try to sleep."

Baekhyun told Chanyeol to take the couch, and spread out blankets on the floor for himself. He lie there, willing himself to sleep, but too many stressful thoughts were spinning in his head.

"Hey," Chanyeol said softly, before he could drift off to sleep, "what should we do about Jongin and Kyungsoo's birthdays? I feel like we should plan something special."

Nice way to distract me, Chanyeol, Baekhyun thought, very nice. "I don't know," he said, sleepiness creeping into his voice, "but I want pictures."

~~~~~

When Kyungsoo and Jongin's birthdays were approaching, Baekhyun secretly suggested that the other members living in their dorm allow Jongin and Kyungsoo to have the place to themselves the night before Jongin's birthday. Sehun agreed, saying he'd stay with Tao in the other dorm, and Junmyeon said he'd go stay with family for the night. Chanyeol invited Baekhyun to stay with his family in Seoul.

When the time came, they quietly gathered their things and approached Jongin and Kyungsoo.

"We have a birthday present for you two, but we weren't able to wrap it," Chanyeol told the two boys.

"I'm scared," Kyungsoo said.

"Don't worry, it's not a party," Baekhyun said. He knew how much Kyungsoo usually hated social gatherings. "We're going to disappear for the night." His eyes crinkled as his smile widened.

"Huh?" Jongin asked.

"Tonight this place is all yours. Do want you want." Chanyeol said, his eyebrows waggling.

"Ahh, haha, Kyungsoo's face is getting red. Let's go before he has a meltdown." Baekhyun suggested.

They filed out, waving at the birthday couple and wishing them well.


	21. Happy Birthday?

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo stared at Jongin, bewildered. "So...what do we do?"

"Whatever we want." Jongin's smile was joyful.

"I think," he began, "that I want to stuff myself silly."

"Me too, it's getting lonely in here." Jongin pouted and rubbed his tummy.

Kyungsoo grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the kitchen. "Let's take care of that." He loved cooking for other people, but feeding Jongin gave him a special satisfaction.

Jongin hovered over him as he rummaged through the kitchen. "What do you want me to do?"

He turned around. "Nothing babe, you can just relax. And look pretty." He ran his finger along Jongin's chin.

"That's too easy," he said. "I don't even have to work hard at looking pretty." He batted his eyelashes. "Really though, I want to help."

"Okay, well, grab some sides from the fridge, and set them out in their dishes." He poked Jongin's tummy. "Pick what you like."

"Easy enough. I can do that."

"Do you want something light, like stew, or do you want to be bad and eat pasta?" he asked as Jongin pulled stuff out of the fridge.

Jongin set the sides down and grabbed him from behind, arms around his middle. "It's our birthdays, let's be bad!"

"Okay, but not spaghetti. I'm going to do something different. How about stroganoff?" He held up a package of beef.

"Ooooh, good." He wiggled with excitement. "Hurry, though, I'm starving!"

Kyungsoo laughed. "If I were insecure, I'd think you loved me just for my cooking."

"I'd love you even if you never cooked me another meal," he reassured. He patted Kyungsoo's butt.

"Are you trying to get fresh with me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Cause I can take care of that right now."

Jongin giggled. "No, let's eat first."

"Can you make a salad?" Kyungsoo asked as he set out the ingredients. "Just cut up some of these veggies and throw them all together."

"Okay, hand me a knife." He held out his hand expectantly.

"A knife..." He looked at Jongin, then the knife. "Never mind. Just throw some lettuce in a bowl." He took Jongin's hand. "I prefer you with all your fingers."

Kyungsoo thought it was cute how Jongin made an effort to help, but had to hold back from trying to correct him. In the end, he thought they had created quite a meal. The stroganoff turned out well, even though it wasn't a dish he knew well. And Jongin cleared his plate, so he was completely satisfied. With no room for dessert, they cleaned up their mess and headed to the living room.

Jongin, looking at his phone, grabbed his arm to prevent him from sitting down. "Not yet," he said. He placed his phone on the speaker dock, then turned to Kyungsoo.

He felt a few butterflies in his stomach. "Are you going to dance for me?"

"No," Jongin replied. "I'm going to dance with you." He slipped his hands around Kyungsoo's waist and pulled him close. "Just follow me," he whispered, lips against his ears.

The butterflies in his stomach multiplied to a thousand. He was not a slow dancer. In fact, he had never done it. He didn't know what to expect. But he trusted Jongin, not just as a dancer, but as his boyfriend. Resting his head against his shoulder, he allowed his body to be guided and his mind to get lost. As it turned out, Jongin kept it simple. He didn't need to worry much about steps, he only needed to keep his body close to Jongin's as they swayed. He was intoxicated by the scent and heat of his body.

"This is our first dance," Jongin said softly, his hand stroking Kyungsoo's back.

"I think you're doing the dancing for both of us," he said into his shoulder.

Jongin pulled back just enough to look into his eyes, and stopped. "I'm so happy," he said, his voice shaky.

"Me too," Kyungsoo replied, barely audible. His eyes were glued to Jongin's lips as they came closer, and only closed when they touched. His knees began to feel weak and in the back of his mind he wondered if it was possible to pass out from a kiss. He was glad Jongin was strong, and could hold him up.

Music still going, Jongin led him over to the couch and sat him down. Still standing, he leaned over for a kiss. "Happy birthday," he said, kneeling down in front of him.

"It's not my birthday yet," he said, gulping. He gripped Jongin's shoulders.

"Today, on my birthday, I'm celebrating that you were born. Because you are my greatest gift." He touched Kyungsoo's hair lightly and kissed him again.

Kyungsoo felt himself being pushed back on the couch, and his heart started pounding. It didn't matter how many times they got physical, it always electrified him. As Jongin ran his hand over his growing bulge, his own hand pressed over it, intensifying the feeling. He undid his pants, allowing Jongin access, then let himself go limp so he could be moved more easily.

Jongin wasted no time getting Kyungsoo's pants off. Then, kneeling between his legs, he leaned over to take him into his mouth.

Kyungsoo, who had forgotten to breathe for a second, exhaled. Over time, with experimentation, they had really learned what the other liked, and so Jongin was sending him over the edge. His natural inclination was to keep his eyes closed and focus on the feeling, but he opened them occasionally to take in the sight of Jongin. As he came closer to coming, he opened his eyes and the view did him in. It was over, and Jongin was wiping his mouth. He reached out to grab a handful of his hair, pulling him closer. Breathing hard, Kyungsoo bent over to place a kiss on his head. "Thank you," he whispered.

Jongin gripped his thighs, and lowered his head to rest on one of his legs. "Let me get a hold of myself," he said.

He let Jongin rest there, while he stroked his hair. "I owe you."

Jongin let out a big breath. "Let's go then," he said, standing up. He held out a hand to Kyungsoo.

He could see that Jongin was hard and ready to continue what he started. He allowed himself to be pulled up. As he was led away from the couch, he asked, "what about my pants?" A silly thing to be worried about, he told himself, but he didn't want any evidence left out for he others to see.

"Don't worry, we'll clean up in the morning." He continued to pull Kyungsoo along.

In the bedroom, Kyungsoo found himself on his bed, Jongin on top of him. He loved the give and take in their relationship, and enjoyed sometimes having his way with Jongin. But since it was Jongin's birthday, and he also loved giving in, he fully gave himself over to him that night. It was a birthday he would never forget.

 

BAEKHYUN

 

Baekhyun was happy to be invited to Chanyeol's family's home where he knew he'd be served a delicious home-made meal. Chanyeol's mother fawned over him, which he secretly loved, and she did indeed feed him until he was stuffed. After dinner, they settled into Chanyeol's old room.  
"Yeol," Baekhyun said, "let's go out and get some things for the birthday boys."

"What kinds of things?" Chanyeol said as he absentmindedly opened and closed drawers.

"I want to leave them with a surprise to wake up to. If we get there early enough tomorrow morning, they'll still be asleep and we can set up decorations and stuff."

"Are you okay?" Chanyeol asked, feeling Baekhyun's forehead with his hand.

He pushed his hand off. "Yeah, why?"

Chanyeol sat at his desk and crossed his legs. He looked like a therapist trying to get to the bottom of his client's issues. "You're so obsessed with them. What gives?"

"Ah," Baekhyun started, "I just, you know, love Kyungsoo. And I think they're so cute." He was starting to feel really embarrassed and hoped his ears weren't red. "Besides, I have to distract myself somehow. Something that's not work. Like something fun and happy. I can't very well go out in the world to get it." He looked to the floor, not wanting to say how he really felt. "If I can't have love and happiness, I want them to have it."

"Okay, let's go shopping."

~~~~

Early the next morning, Baekhyun and Chanyeol slipped out of the house and back to their apartment.

"I should still be sleeping," Chanyeol lamented as they approached the front door. He ran a hand through his messy hair.

"Thanks for doing this with me, Chanyeol." He put an arm around Chanyeol's waist and pulled him close for a moment. "It means a lot to me."

Chanyeol smiled, embarrassed. "I can't say no to you. You know that."

Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at Chanyeol and let out an evil laugh. "Hmm, well, there's these really awesome shoes I've been wanting, but they're kind of expensive..."

"No."

Baekhyun laughed again. "Okay, okay. Let's go in, but be quiet."

"Are you sure you know how to do that?" Chanyeol asked, earning him a nasty look and an elbow to his side.

They opened the door and stepped into their apartment carefully, carrying bags of goodies and decorations they had bought the night before, along with some home-made seaweed soup courtesy of Chanyeol's mom. They set the bags on the kitchen counter and began pulling things out.

"Here, giraffe, this is a job for you," Baekhyun said as he handed Chanyeol a 'Happy Birthday' banner.

"Well," Chanyeol replied, patting Baekhyun on the head, "if you want Kyungsoo to see it, maybe you should put it up."

Baekhyun laughed loudly, but stopped when Chanyeol shushed him with a finger to his lips. He took the sign to the hallway and put it up across from Jongin and Kyungsoo's bedroom door. Unable to resist temptation, he listened at the door. After hearing nothing, he determined they were sleeping soundly, so he quietly opened the door. At seeing the sleeping boys, it took all his will to keep from squealing. Jongin lay on his back while Kyungsoo lay on his side, head nuzzled where Jongin's chest met his shoulder, his left arm draped across Jongin's middle. They were both shirtless, and though a blanket covered their lower halves, Baekhyun assumed they were bare there also.

Such cute babies, he thought. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and snapped a few pictures. Having gotten the pics he wanted, he returned to Chanyeol, who was busy setting up tasty treats for the couple to eat when they got up. A decadent mini cake with a heart on top, some assorted fruit, cheese and crackers, along with some water and juice bottles.

Baekhyun took a quick walk around the apartment, spied Kyungsoo's pants in the living room, then milled around the kitchen. "Is there paper around here?"

"Side of the fridge," Chanyeol answered, pointing. "Why?"

"I want to write a note." Baekhyun took a sheet of paper and began to write:

I hope you enjoy these treats as much as you enjoyed each other last night. Don't be mad. You'll see one day, I really do love you guys. - BH

"You really have a death wish, don't you?" Chanyeol shook his head in disbelief.

"No, I just like to keep things interesting." He laughed and did a silly little dance.

"Your funeral will be interesting," Chanyeol teased, pulling out the bag of donuts they bought for themselves. He shook the bag in front of Baekhyun. "Ready for something sweet?"

Baekhyun nodded and opened the refrigerator. "What do you want to drink?"

"Milk."

"Okay, two milks," he said as he set two glasses on the counter and poured. "Let's go to my room so if they get up and head to the kitchen, we're not here.

The two boys slipped quietly down the hall the and into the bedroom, Chanyeol holding the donut bag and Baekhyun holding the glasses of milk.

After they ate their treats, Baekhyun lie back in his bed. "Ah, sugar coma."

"Nap time?" Chanyeol asked.

"Yep," he replied. "You can sleep on Sehun's bed if you want. Unless you can't resist me and want to sleep over here." He gave Chanyeol his best flirty face.

"Well Baek, it's hard, but I'm going to try to sleep over here," he said, the sarcasm obvious in his voice.

"Suit yourself," Baekhyun said, and rolled over to go to sleep.

He had barely started to drift off when he heard a noise. He perked up, thinking Jongin and Kyungsoo had woken up and found their surprise. He listened carefully to hear their reaction, but was confused when he heard what he thought was a woman's voice.

He jumped up. "Chanyeol!" he whispered desperately.

"What?!" He popped up like a jack-in-the-box.

"Do you hear that? It sounds like a woman!" They both listened as the voice got louder. "Definitely a woman. Who could it be?"

"Come on," Chanyeol said, getting out of Sehun's bed. Baekhyun was right behind him as he slowly opened the bedroom door. Chanyeol waved for Baekhyun to follow him and both were greeted by Jongin's mom and oldest sister, JiEun in the hallway, one of their dogs running around in excitement. They all jumped in surprise.

"Ah, Mrs. Kim, what are you doing here?" Chanyeol asked as Baekhyun started coughing uncontrollably.

"I'm here to see Jongin for his birthday. What is that note about?" she demanded.

"What? Oh, uh..." Chanyeol stammered as she and Jongin's sister pushed past him.

"Is he in his room?" she asked.

"No!" Baekhyun shouted, attempting to head her off.

"What do you mean 'no'? I'm going to see if he's here."

Baekhyun's heart sank as he watched Jongin's mom open the bedroom door and step inside with her daughter. He followed them into the room, knowing what they would find.

"What is this?!" she asked, pointing at the two boys in bed.

"Mrs. Kim..." Baekhyun said, unsure how to proceed. "It's not..."

"Go on, get out" she told him, "this is between family."

Just then, the dog entered the room and jumped on the bed. When Jongin's mom pointed him toward the door, he left, locking eyes with Jongin's sister on the way out. They exchanged worried looks. "Stand up for him," Baekhyun whispered to her before closing the door behind him.


	22. Shit, My Pants are in the Living Room

JONGIN

Jongin was awakened from his blissful sleep by something slimy on his face. He forced his eyes open and saw his dog Meonggu. He couldn't make sense of it. Why is my dog here? he thought. As he heard Kyungsoo mumble and felt him shift, he shook his head to wake himself up completely. Propping himself up on his elbow, he looked around the room and was met with his mother's hard stare.

"Mom!" he blurted out. Fear crawled through his body as his heartbeat quickened. He felt Kyungsoo sit up, pulling the sheet up to his chest.

"What...is...going...on?" his mothered asked, emphasizing each word. Speechless, Jongin looked past his mother to his sister, who looked back at him with wide eyes.

"Mom, uh, I...," Jongin began, but his dog was still hopping around excitedly on the bed. "Meonggu, get down!"

"Take the dog out," his mother told his sister. JiEun approached the bed, giving both boys a questioning look as she picked the dog up. She laid her hand on Jongin's shoulder before taking the dog away.

"Jongin..." he heard Kyungsoo say, worry in his voice.

Jongin placed a hand on Kyungsoo's leg to reassure him, but was startled when his mother said, "don't touch him!" When she approached the bed, grabbed Kyungsoo's arm and tried to drag him off the bed, Jongin stopped her.

"No," he said, "you don't touch him."

"Jongin, stop," Kyungsoo warned.

"You talk to your mother like that?" his mother questioned.

He turned to his boyfriend. "Kyungsoo, don't worry." Jongin didn't want him to have to deal with this situation, but he didn't know what to do.

"Get out," Jongin's mother said, staring directly at Kyungsoo. He froze and was silent, which Jongin knew was typical for Kyungsoo when he was stressed out.

"Stay," Jongin said, then turned to his mother. "Mom, don't be like that. This is Kyungsoo." It was all Jongin could seem to spit out. He'd never seen his mother look or sound like this and it scared him. Being found out scared him. When his sister walked back in the room, he felt a little better. "Mom, please calm down. Can we just talk about this?"

"Go ahead," said his mother. "What is this about? I can't wait to hear the reason you're naked in bed with another boy when you have a perfectly good bed of your own. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Um, can you give us a minute, so we can get dressed?" he asked sheepishly.

"What a question," his mom said. "It's disgusting that you even need to ask. Naked in bed together. I don't even want to think about it."

"Mom," Jongin said more forcefully, "can you leave us alone for a minute?"

"You have two minutes," she said. She left and took Jongin's sister with her.

Once they were out of the room, Jongin heard Kyungsoo breathe a sigh of relief. "Oh my God, I'm sorry," he said. "I had no idea she'd show up like this."

"Well, she's here," Kyungsoo said, climbing out of bed, "nothing we can do about it now." He grabbed the shirt he had worn the night before and started to put it on. Shit, my pants are in the living room, he thought. He hoped they hadn't seen them. "The question is, what are you going to tell her?"

"Uh, the truth I guess," he said, also pulling on his clothes. "No sense in lying, since it's pretty obvious."

"Maybe it's better this way."

"Yeah, maybe," Jongin half-heartedly agreed.

BAEKHYUN

When Jongin's mom shooed him out, Baekhyun found Chanyeol, wide-eyed, waiting in the hall. "Oh my God," he whispered, grasping onto Chanyeol's arm. "Things are about to get serious."

"What should we do?" Chanyeol asked.

"I don't know, I don't know." Baekhyun was scared for his friends, and worried about what was going to happen if their leader or manager came in while Jongin's family was still there. "What if she tries to make Jongin leave the group? Or threatens that if he stays, Kyungsoo has to leave?"

"That would be very bad," Chanyeol said, being obvious. "We just lost Kris, we can't have that happen. Maybe if they just agree to stop seeing each other, and management agrees to change their room assignments, then she'll let up."

"I think one of them would have to switch dorms, not just rooms," Baekhyun offered, then shook his head. "But let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol said, prodding him in the side, "your note. I just remembered she read your note."

He buried his face in his hands. "I gave it away for sure, right? I made everything worse. Why do I always screw things up?"

"No, no," Chanyeol said, rubbing Baekhyun's arm to soothe him. "You had no idea they were coming. No one did. You're not psychic, so don't beat yourself up. Besides, I think she'd know what was up even without your note."

Baekhyun nodded his head, accepting Chanyeol's comfort, but not really sure he believed it. "Should I call Junmyeon? Give him a head's up?"

"Yeah, you can, but tell him not to come. Let's try to keep everyone else away until they're gone."

"Oh my God, there's been way too much drama in this group lately. I think I might have a heart attack," he said, almost to himself. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and dialed. When Junmyeon answered, sounding half asleep, Baekhyun had a hard time speaking. "Hey," he began, "we have a situation here." He went on to explain what had happened, and told him not to worry. Worry, however, was already apparent in his leader's voice. "I'll call or text when the coast is clear," he told his leader.

"What did he say?' Chanyeol asked him, but he didn't get the chance to answer because, at that moment, Jongin's mother and sister exited the bedroom. Baekhyun instinctively moved behind Chanyeol.

"I don't even know what to say to you boys," Jongin's mother told them. Baekhyun picked up on the disappointment she exuded, and felt guilty, although he really didn't know what he should feel guilty about. "How long have you two known about this?"

"Uh," Chanyeol began, "I don't...we haven't really kept track..."

"You obviously approve," she said with disgust.

"Well, we aren't exactly...," Chanyeol started, "we..."

"Yes, we do," Baekhyun said firmly, coming out from behind Chanyeol and standing beside him. "I do at least."

"Ah, me too," Chanyeol added, looking everywhere but at Jongin's mother.

"You're his friends," Jongin's sister said softly.

Jongin's mom stared hard at her daughter. "They're not his friends if they're encouraging him in this perverted relationship. They can only be his enemies."

Baekhyun was shocked to see Jongin's mom in this state. He had always known her as a kind person who loved her son, and treated the other members well. "No disrespect, Mrs. Kim," he said, "but we are Jongin's friends. And Kyungsoo's. I know we're not his blood family, but we do feel like family. We live with him, both of them, day after day. We know what makes them happy and what upsets them. And seeing them unhappy was terrible."

"But you don't mind seeing them being in this relationship, or whatever it is?" She clearly expected that they should mind.

"I don't mind seeing them happy," Baekhyun said, starting to sound defiant. "And I know them both well enough to know they are not disgusting. They're my brothers."

"Jongin doesn't need a brother like you," she said, dismissing him.

"Mom, don't be so harsh!" JiEun began wringing her hands.

Baekhyun thought Jongin's sister might turn out to be their ally. He smiled at her in thanks.

"I'm done talking to you," Mrs. Kim said to the boys. "Why don't you leave us be? My son and I need to straighten this out."

"Well, this is our home," Beakhyun said flatly. "We'll get out of your way, but we're staying."

Jongin's mother huffed in frustration and turned back to the bedroom that held her son. "You two better be dressed because I'm coming in!"


	23. Friendship In the Midst of Disaster

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo heard Jongin's mother's voice through the door and felt Jongin grab his arm for support. They stood, staring, and the beat of his own heart reached his ears, making him feel more nervous. When she entered, Jongin let go of his arm. Wondering if that meant Jongin's fear of his mother was stronger than his love for him, his heart sank.

She looked back and forth between them, then settled her eyes on Kyungsoo. "Does he really have to be here?"

"Yes," Jongin said matter-of-factly. He once more placed his hand on Kyungsoo's arm. "Your in his house, not yours. His bedroom. Our bedroom."

Kyungsoo's heart skipped a beat at the sound of defiance in Jongin's voice. Maybe his boyfriend's love was stronger than his fear.

"Well, this may be his house, but he's messing with my son. That's my territory."

"Mmm, I think I belong to myself," Jongin ventured.

"You know what I mean. I'm sure you weren't in bed together to play cards. And you are my territory. I'm your mother."

"Sure, you're my mother, so I love and respect you." Jongin sighed and ran a hand through his bed hair. "But at some point a child has to grow up and create his own life. I'm already doing that with this group. I've been doing it since I was young, from when I started training." He started to pace a little. "And I'm not going to stop now. Not when it's something so important."

Out of nervousness Kyungsoo fiddled with his hands, wanting so badly to bring his fingers to his mouth. He had things to say, but didn't want to say them, and felt like an intruder on a family conversation. He had to try very hard not to bolt from the room.

"What do you find so important?" Jongin's mother asked, as if she couldn't fathom Kyungsoo being important. She crossed her arms tightly across her middle.

"He's important!" Jongin said fiercely, grabbing Kyungsoo's hand. Then, softly, "he's important."

"How can he be important? Exactly what kind of relationship do you have with him?" she asked, approaching them and looking Kyungsoo up and down. "I probably don't want to know the answer," she mumbled to herself.

"We're...," Jongin started, fidgeting. "He's...my boyfriend."

"How can that possibly be? It doesn't even make any sense. It's disgusting." She shook her head.

Kyungsoo's heart sped up. Jongin's mom had always been so nice to him, so her words hurt him, but also angered him, and he didn't know how to react.

Jongin reacted for him. "Don't talk about him like that!" he yelled.

"See?" she said, pointing at Jongin, "he's turned you into a defiant brat! How dare you raise your voice to your mother!"

"Mom," Jongin said softly, tears starting to roll down his face. "I don't want to be like this. I don't want to fight."

"Then stop this craziness and listen to your mother. This has to stop. This boy has seduced and brainwashed you." She placed a shaking hand on his elbow, as if to lead him away. "You would never act like this otherwise." She seemed to feel satisfied that she was getting through to him.

Kyungsoo felt so scared waiting for what Jongin would say next. He caught the eye of Jongin's sister, and she looked just as scared.

"You're mistaken," Jongin said softly, tearful eyes on the floor. "I wasn't seduced or brainwashed. In fact, I was rejected over and over." Eyes now directly on his mother, he continued with a wavering voice and tears falling. "I was the one who pursued the relationship, mom. Me. And he tried to push me away because he knew it would cause trouble. But I loved him so much, I didn't know what else to do but keep trying. I don't know if he considers me a seducer or brainwasher, but if you want to call someone that, or if you want to think of someone as a disgusting, it might as well be me."

"I...I don't think of you," Kyungsoo started, his eyes on Jongin and his voice weak with fear, "as a seducer. And I'm too strong to brainwash." He was so nervous, speaking about this in front of Jongin's mother, but he couldn't let Jongin think of himself that way. "It's true I didn't give in to you right away, but you didn't have to convince me, Jongin. My heart was with you from the beginning. I've told you that before." Being a man of few words, he was always surprised at how much Jongin made him want to talk. He turned to Jongin's mother. "So you can think whatever you want about me, but don't think wrong of your son."

"Are you telling me what to do?" She looked at him, incredulous.

"I'm sorry," Kyungsoo continued. "I've always liked and respected you, and I don't want to seem disrespectful, but I don't want Jongin to be mistreated."

"Jongin," his mother said, raising her chin and looking down on him, "you're coming home with me today, until we can figure this out. We can see a doctor, maybe get you some treatment."

Kyungsoo felt sick to his stomach. This was turning out to be a horrible birthday for Jongin, and now she was going to try to 'fix' him. He wanted to scream.

"No," Jongin said firmly. He took hold of Kyungsoo's hand again.

"What do you mean 'no'?"

Jongin shook his head. "I mean no. I'm not going, and you can't force me. I'm an adult, and I have a responsibility to this group."

His mom held out her phone. "Call your manager."

Jongin didn't budge. "He's busy."

She crossed her arms stubbornly. "I'll wait until he comes back."

"What is that going to accomplish?" Jongin asked.

"I'm going to tell him he needs to send you home. And if he doesn't, I'll tell him he needs to separate you two. The managers respect the parents, so they'll listen to me." She smiled smugly.

"We have a schedule. He doesn't have time for this today. Just go home. Call him later if you want. I don't care." He seemed nearly defeated.

Jongin's mother huffed. "Since you have a schedule, I'll leave. But this is not over, young man." She turned to Jongin's sister. "Go round up the dog." Her daughter obeyed. "And you," she said as she eyed Kyungsoo, "get out. I don't want to leave while you two are alone in here."

Kyungsoo didn't argue. What harm was there in walking out, when he could just walk back in when she was gone? As he walked by, he felt Jongin's sister's hand on his shoulder. He wanted to hug her for that, but thought he'd better not. He could hear her say "it will be alright" to Jongin before she exited the room. Now this is a sister-in-law I could love, he thought.

JONGIN

Jongin didn't want to stay in his room alone so, after a few moments, he walked out. He was just in time to hear his mother tell Kyungsoo to "leave her son alone" before she left for good.

He let out a huge sigh, like he had been holding his breath the whole time. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said, to no one in particular. His tears had never really stopped falling, and now he shut his eyes hard to try to stop them. When he felt Kyungsoo's strong arms wind themselves around him in comfort, he cried even harder. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

"Don't," Kyungsoo said against Jongin's neck.

He was surprised at the sound of emotion in Kyungsoo's voice, and let himself melt into the warmth of his boyfriend's hug. When they finally separated, he looked into Kyungsoo's eyes. They were full of care and worry.

Kyungsoo wiped Jongin's tears away with his thumb. "I'm sorry this wasn't a very good birthday for you."

Jongin shook his head. "It wasn't fun." Hearing a noise, he looked around and saw Baekhyun and Chanyeol. "Hey."

"Hey," they both said, their normal cheerfulness gone. "We wanted this to be a great birthday for you," Baekhyun said. "For both of you. So we brought goodies this morning. We didn't know she was coming."

"Neither did we, obviously," Kyungsoo. "She must have gotten the code from one of the managers."

"I tried to stop them, but Chanyeol and I were sleeping. By the time we realized what was going on, we couldn't really do anything." He wrung his hands nervously.

"It's okay, guys," Kyungsoo said. "What can you really do to stop a determined mother?" He shrugged his shoulders.

"We told Junmyeon what was going on, but he said he'd stay away until your mom left," Chanyeol informed them.

"Oh, and...," Baekhyun started, "I might have made things worse with my note."

"What note?" Kyungsoo asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Um, see, I wanted to leave you guys a note with your treats," Baekhyun said as he walked toward the kitchen. He picked it up and handed it to Kyungsoo.

"Hmmm. I bet that went over well," Kyungsoo said, handing it to Jongin.

After reading the short note, Jongin covered his eyes. "Oh my God, I don't even want to know what kind of mental picture she got from that."

"Sorry guys," Baekhyun said, holding out his hand. "Give it to me. I'll rip it up and throw it out."

"No, I'm keeping it," Jongin said. "It's our birthday note." Wiping his eyes, Jongin looked at the kitchen counter filled with yummy things to eat, and at the decorations. "Thanks for this, you two." He walked to them and gave them both a hug.

"I wish you could have enjoyed it," Chanyeol said.

"We will. Help us eat it," Jongin suggested, then laughed as he saw them eye each other warily. "Really. I don't have much of an appetite after this morning's disaster, but we can't let this go to waste. We'll eat what we can and share what's left with the others."

"Well, okay," Chanyeol said. He grabbed some plates and utensils and started setting up the table.

"I'm so mad," Jongin said as he sat at the table. They all looked at him, expectant. "I didn't even get to play with my dog."

~~~~

After eating what they could, Kyungsoo returned with Jongin to their room.

Sitting on the bed, Jongin said, "I feel like my relationship with my mom was just ruined in an instant. I don't even know what to think."

"I'm sorry. It's got to be so confusing." Kyungsoo said, sitting next to him.

"You don't need to be sorry, it's not your fault." He put his arm around Kyungsoo.

"I kinda feel like I'm part of the reason. Since I'm the boyfriend." He definitely felt guilty and wished he could make everything better.

"No," Jongin said, rubbing Kyungsoo's thigh, "even if I wasn't with you, I'd still like boys, and it'd just be someone else. My mom and I would have to deal with this at some point, whether you were involved or not."

"I guess."

"What about you, Soo?" Jongin asked. "Are you going to tell your family?"

"I guess I'll probably have to at some point. Either that or pretend to like girls, get married, have kids and live a lie." He paused to contemplate. "I definitely don't want to do that. Kinda funny how you and I haven't really discussed it up until now."

"We were just caught up in our own world. And we don't get much time to see our families, so it didn't seem to be an issue. But it is." Jongin flopped himself back on the bed in frustration.

"You can give me up, Jongin, if you need to." He turned to look down at his beautiful face, and placed a hand on his stomach. "I don't want you to. But I don't want be the reason you lose your mother, either."

"What did I just say?" Jongin asked, taking hold of Kyungsoo's hand. "I just said this is not because of you. Even if I broke up with you today, which I'm not going to do, I would still have to deal with my mother. My whole family. She might feel better if I told her I wasn't seeing you anymore, but I'd just remind her that if it's not you, it will be some other boy."

"I don't want you to have some other boy," Kyungsoo said, sounding petulant.

"Me either."

~~~~

Later that morning, after Junmyeon came home, Jongin and Kyungsoo sat in their room, staring at him.

"So what's the damage?" their leader asked.

"My mom freaked out, of course. She didn't catch us at anything, just sleeping. But it was obvious enough," Jongin said.

"She wants me to stay away from him. I think she's going to talk to the managers about it," Kyungsoo added.

"I think she actually wants me to leave the group, but I won't do that. And I'm not switching rooms. If the managers have to tell her that, okay, but I'm not doing it." Jongin's face was set and serious.

"I don't know how the managers will feel about lying to your mom, though," Junmyeon warned.

"We're going to make it work," Jongin insisted.

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo's mind was whirling from the moment Jongin's mother showed up, and he was having a hard time shutting off his thoughts. They had to block it out since they had a music show to record, but he was worried about Jongin, who was acting strong, but who he knew was suffering.

After the recording, Jongin whispered to him, "It feels weird, all our fans cheering for us and looking so happy. And they have no idea what's going on. I can't help but think they wouldn't be cheering if they knew."

"Don't worry about that, Jongin." He made sure to keep his voice low so no one would hear. "You have no control over that."

~~~~

That night, after countless conversations about their situation, and worrying all day, Kyungsoo could see that Jongin was completely spent. After they washed up, which they did together quite often these days, he led him by the hand to the bedroom, and told him to lie down. "Try to relax so you can get some decent sleep tonight." Kyungsoo crawled in next to Jongin and stared at the ceiling.

Just then Chanyeol popped his head in. "Should I sleep somewhere else? If you need some space, I understand."

Kyungsoo looked to Jongin, whose face seemed to say it was fine. "Is it okay if he stays?" he asked, just to be sure. When Jongin nodded his head, Kyungsoo told Chanyeol, "We're not trying to keep any secrets from you, so stay if you want, but only if you don't mind hearing us talk."

"No problem, I can sleep through anything." He walked over and climbed onto his bed. "Besides, I'm gonna shut you guys out with some music." He lifted his headphones to show what he meant. "Good night!"

"Sometimes I actually like him," Kyungsoo said, jokingly. Jongin laughed, which he loved hearing, and smacked him on the arm. "No, really though, what are we going to do?"

Jongin's mother had indeed contacted their head manager, asking for Jongin to be kept away from Kyungsoo or she would pull her son from the group. When the manager asked why, she must have been too ashamed to admit that her son was sleeping with another boy, since she just told him that Kyungsoo was a bad influence. The boys had never officially told their managers about their relationship, but they didn't hide anything, so there really was no secret. Not wanting to give in to Jongin's mother, the manager just told her he'd look into the situation. Now they had to figure out what to do.

"I'm not breaking up with you, no matter what," Jongin said with conviction.

"Not even if I cheat on you with someone really hot?" He raised his eyebrows teasingly.

"You wouldn't dare." Jongin poked Kyungsoo in the chest with each word to help make his point.

"No, probably not. I don't really like people enough. It's amazing I even like you."

"Yeah, but you do." Jongin smiled wide, then turned serious. "And look at the situation we're in. It makes me sick to my stomach."

Kyungsoo rolled onto his side to face Jongin. "I'm sorry." His hand went to Jongin's stomach. "You literally feel sick?" When Jongin nodded his head, Kyungsoo began to softly rub his belly.

"I've never experienced anything like that with my mother. I was a pretty good kid, so she didn't have to yell too much. And when she did, it wasn't that scary." Jongin brought a hand to his eyes. "I feel like our relationship might be over. I don't even know how to process that. And what about the rest of my family?"

His voice sounded more sad and desperate the more he talked, which broke Kyungsoo's heart. "She's in shock. Let it wear off a little, then talk to her. Maybe she'll be more understanding then. Besides, I really think you have your sister on your side."

"Yeah, maybe." His hand came up to grasp Kyungsoo's. "I think no matter what I say, she's not going to like it. I'm sure she thinks this is all about sex, so she just sees it as perverted. But if I tell her how much you mean to me, how I love you, maybe I can change her mind a little."

"Makes me want to go home and tell my family," Kyungsoo said.

"What? Why? Do you enjoy torturing yourself?"

"No, I save that for other people." Kyungsoo brought the hand he was holding and playfully bit Jongin's index finger. "Seriously, though, I want them to know. And seeing you go through this makes me want to go through it with you." He snuggled down on his back. "Why drag it out and go through it twice? If we both just do it now, then we'll have it behind us."

"Good idea," Chanyeol said from across the room.

Kyungsoo sat up. "You creeper!" he yelled, laughing. "Jongin, grab me something to throw."

"No, no, no!" Chanyeol pleaded. "Really, I just heard a tiny bit in between the songs I was listening to. I wasn't listening to everything." He smiled his best bullshit smile. "I'll turn the music up. Carry on..."


	24. There's Nothing to Fix

BAEKHYUN

A week went by after the big birthday fiasco, and the mood around the dorms had been muted. One day, Baekhyun, Jongdae and Chanyeol were relaxing at home. They were lounging on the couch, and enjoying the few hours they had free before they had to leave again, when Tao and Sehun joined them.

"So, how did you two avoid all this relationship mess that everyone else has to deal with?" Baekhyun asked, pointing his foot toward Tao and Sehun, who were both sitting on the floor. "I think we've all dealt with some kind of drama, except for Junmyeon."

Tao laughed. "We're too cool to mess with."

"Yeah, tell that to your parents." Baekhyun thought about what Jongin was going through and didn't think Tao's parents would be any more understanding.

"Maybe I will someday." He stuck out his tongue.

"Really?" Sehun asked, truly surprised.

"I might," Tao said, but he looked pouty rather than confident.

Sehun sat back, disappointed. "I don't know why you would."

"My family likes you. After you came to my home, they got to know all your charms." Tao paused a moment and turned a light shade of pink. "Well, not all of them."

"We've all seen his charm, and it's a big one," Baekhyun said, holding his hands about a foot apart.

"Ahhhh!" Jongdae spit out, sticking his fingers in his ears. "I don't want to hear about his private charms!"

"Do you want to see my private charms?" Baekhyun asked him, laughing loudly.

"No!" He covered his face dramatically.

"Ah, guys, where is this conversation going?" Sehun asked, covering his ears and pretending to be offended. "My virgin ears can't take it."

"Virgin my ass," Baekhyun said. "Your ears aren't virgin, and neither is any other part of you."

Sehun's mouth dropped open, his ears turning red. "You don't know," he said quietly.

"Like hell I don't." He looked Sehun up and down as if to say, I know what you're up to.

"What Sehun does is not your business," Tao countered, slapping Baekhyun's leg.

"But it's certainly yours, isn't it?" Baekhyun asked. He said it playfully rather than aggressively, but he knew it bothered them.

"Ah, leave them alone," Chanyeol suggested, squeezing Baekhyun's thigh. "Why are you being like this?"

"I'm just having an open and truthful conversation with the babies. Isn't it better to be truthful? We can be closer that way." He leaned over and placed a hand on each of their shoulders.

"Did we bother you with your relationship?" Tao asked, moving his shoulder away.

"No, but you could have." Baekhyun's mood changed with the mention of his failed relationship, and his face fell. "No one really wanted to talk about her when she was around, except Chanyeol. And Kyungsoo sometimes."

"Let's not bring her up. That's in the past," Chanyeol said, waving his hand around.

"Sorry," Tao said sincerely.

"It's over now, don't worry about it." Anxious to change the subject, he reached out again with his foot and tapped Tao's shoulder. "But really, would you consider telling your parents about Sehun?"

"Mmm, yeah. I guess I would have to if we were serious about staying together."

"We're not serious?" Sehun asked, incredulous.

"Of course we are. I'm just saying down the line. My parents can't push a girlfriend or marriage on me right now because of EXO, but later, if I wanted to avoid that, I'd have to tell them." He shrugged his shoulders.

Sehun stared at his feet. "You wouldn't want to tell them just because?"

"Just because?" Tao looked at Sehun as if he truly didn't understand.

"Because I'm important to you?" He glanced up at Tao for a moment.

Baekhyun was enjoying this volley between the lovebirds, but was worried it would start a fight.

"Mmmm." Tao stopped to contemplate, as if he had never considered it. "I did kinda want to tell them when you came to Qingdao. It was hard to keep it to myself. I guess my mind just automatically thinks of it as a secret. But I bet my parents were curious as to why I brought you there in the first place." Tao looked Sehun in the eyes. "Now that we're on the subject, what about you?"

"Ah," Sehun started, "I'm the family brat. It's my job to stir things up." He smiled. "I don't really want to ruin any family relationships, but at the same time, I'm not the type to live for other people. I haven't said anything to them because I didn't consider it their business. Same as if I was with a girl. I probably wouldn't talk to them about that either."

"Well," Chanyeol said, "Jongin is having a hard time. I feel so bad."

"He's going home tomorrow, right?" Sehun asked.

"Yeah," Chanyeol answered. "I think he's going home to try to smooth things over with his mom."

"And Kyungsoo is going home, too. He's planning on telling his family," Baekhyun said, feeling proud of his friend.

"Wow," Sehun said. "They're really in the shit now." He shook his shoulders. "It gives me the shivers."

JONGIN

After the incident with Jongin's mom, both sisters texted him messages of support. After about a week of back and forth, they made plans for Jongin to go home and talk to his mom. His sister JiEun offered to pick him up.

When the day came, Jongin was understandably nervous. He paced around the apartment as Kyungsoo tried to calm him.

"Don't worry too much," he said, rubbing Jongin's back when he came to a stop. "The worst part is over. She already knows now, so there's no big surprise you're springing on her. Just go and try to say what you have to say. Hopefully she'll be calm, but you have no control over her reaction, so don't take that all on yourself. Okay?"

Jongin just nodded his head, then said, "I hope things go well for you too." He knew Kyungsoo had nerves of his own, since he was also going home too.

When his sister arrived, he kissed Kyungsoo goodbye and followed her to the car. Once inside and buckled in, his sister turned to him. "So how have you and Kyungsoo been doing since mom made that scene?"

"Okay, I guess." He gave her a weak smile.

"I'd like to know more about him. Kyungsoo, I mean. I only know him as your friend and member. But how did you, you know, become a thing?" She started the car.

Jongin turned away and looked out the window. Embarrassing! "Ah, I don't know if I can...I mean, do you really want to hear?"

She pulled into the street. "Of course! He's important to you, right?" She glanced at him briefly. "Listen, I can't pretend I'm super enlightened, or that I completely understand, but I'm not mom. And I'd want to know about a girl you were seeing. What's the difference?"

"There's a big difference to a lot of people." He turned back to look at her.

"Do you think I'm like that? I never thought of myself as old-fashioned." She patted his knee. "We've always been close, so I don't want to shut you out. I'm kind of disappointed that you didn't tell me. That I had to find out like I did."

"Sorry," he said, feeling ashamed.

"Jongin, you know I love you, and we're both adults now. I hope you can feel comfortable talking to me. I don't expect you to give me sexual details or anything like that, but you really can talk to me about anything." She placed a hand on his shoulder while keeping her eyes on the road.

Jongin blushed at the mention of sex, and didn't like the idea of his sister thinking of him as sexually active, but he could hear the sincerity in her voice and was grateful. "Ah, this is so embarrassing. I don't know what to say."

Through his sister's questioning, he told her the basics as they made their way to his family's home.

"But is he good to you? Does he treat you right? That's what's most important." She pointed at him.  
"And don't lie."

"Yes, sis, he's good to me." He paused, thinking about Kyungsoo. "He's amazing."

"Well, I guess I like him then." She turned to him with a smile.

~~~~

As they approached the front door, his sister stopped. "Are you ready for this?"

"I have to be, don't I?" His eyes looked lost.

She gave him a quick hug. "Come on, I'll be right here with you."

When they stepped through the door, Jongin's sister called out, "Mom, Jongin's home!"

"Ah," he said, "I have to pee. Be right back." He ran quickly to the bathroom, and was unnerved at how his hands were shaking.

When he returned, his mother was already sitting in the living room. He sat on the couch, next to his sister, and across from his mom. "Hi, mom." He eyed her expectantly.

"Why did you come?" She asked softly.

Jongin rubbed his hands together. "Uh, the last time I saw you things didn't go so well."

"You understand why, don't you?" Her voice was stern.

He ignored the question. "And I hate the feeling of us not being okay. I'm completely stressed. It's freaking me out."

"You're freaking out because you know you've been doing is wrong, and you got caught. I tried to raise you better than that, Jongin," his mom said, sadness in her eyes. She looked away. "My son is betraying me."

"No, mom, I'm not." Anxiety started to elevate his voice. "Please don't say that."

"You're my only son. A son who was supposed to grow up, get married and give me a grandchild." She paused to take a deep breath. "But instead, you're playing around with a pervert boy."

"I'm not going to say it again," Jongin said, his voice becoming steely. He leaned forward. "Do not call Kyungsoo a pervert. Ever."

Jongin's mom shook her head, clearly not phased. "He's put some kind of spell on you or something."

"No, mom. Stop making excuses for the fact that your son is in a relationship with a boy. I'm dating a boy because I like boys, not because of anyone else. I liked boys before I even met Kyungsoo." He shifted around in his seat, feeling antsy and uncomfortable.

His sister had remained quiet, but now she spoke up. "Mom, I had a good talk with Jongin on the way over here, and Kyungsoo sounds like a good guy. I mean, you know Kyungsoo. If you have to be against it, so be it. But can you try to understand? Are you seriously willing to give up your son just because you disapprove?"

His mom didn't respond, so he spoke up. "I have a boyfriend, I'm not a murderer."

"You might as well be," she said, sounding like she'd given up on him.

"Mom!" Jongin's sister cried. "Don't say things like that!"

"People weren't born to be just what their parents want them to be!" Jongin blurted out. He started to raise his voice, but in desperation, not anger. "I'm not a pet you can train to do what you want! I respect my parents, I try to do what I can to be a good son and help you out, but I can't just give up my whole life for you!"

His mom leaned forward, imploring. "Listen, son, we'll get you in to see a doctor. I'm sure there's some kind of therapy, or drug, that can help you. We have the money, so we can get the best doctors to help you. We can fix this!"

"That's not happening." He shook his head emphatically. "I won't go. There's nothing to fix."

"Jongin, please don't do this to me," she said as she started to cry. "Don't do this to our family. I can't have a gay son. What will people say? They're going to keep asking me when you're going to marry and have kids. How am I supposed to answer? I don't want to lose you. You need to get help!"

"Mom, you don't have to answer those people. You don't have to say anything!" Jongin started to cry as well. "You're not going to lose me. That makes no sense! How can you feel like that just because I have a boyfriend?" He crossed the room to his mother, trying to hug her. "Mom, don't cry." She struggled against the hug. "Mom, don't. I love you..."

She finally gave in and wrapped her arms around him. "How can I accept love from someone who loves like you do?" she asked into his shoulder. It wasn't an accusation, but a real question. Her voice was shaky, like she was scared of what she was saying.

"Mom," his sister jumped in, tears in her eyes, "think about what you're saying! This is our Jongin." She walked over to them. "Jongin, you have me, you know? You have your sisters. Mom is just upset right now. It'll be okay."

"I...," his mother started, pulling away and holding her hands to her chest. "I can't deal with this right now. Let's talk about it later. I don't feel well." She stood up.

"Take me home," he said, barely getting the words out as he stood. He wiped his tears and took a deep breath. Turning to his mom, he made eye contact but said nothing. He walked to the door, looked back once more, and walked out. He stood outside the door, shaking, waiting for his sister and trying to hold in the flood of tears that were trying to break out.

He suddenly felt his sister's hand on his shoulder. "Come on," she said. He didn't hesitate to get in the car. Once they drove away, the dam of tears broke and he began to sob uncontrollably.

"Jongin?"

He could hear the real concern in his sister's voice, but he didn't answer. He couldn't. His face was in his hands and he was trying to breathe.

"Jongin, I'm scared. Say something."

He opened his mouth to try to speak, but only a strangled cry escaped. He coughed and tried again. "She thinks I'm a pervert. She called Kyungsoo that, and I'm the same. That's what she thinks of her son."

"I'm going to pull over," his sister said.

He shook his head furiously. "Take me home," he managed to croak out. "My real home."

"Okay," she agreed, "I will. But please try to calm down. You're scaring me."

He knew she was right. He had to stop crying. It would not be good for anyone to spot him in this car, crying his eyes out. He tried to get into performance mode, where he was usually in control of himself, even if he felt sick or upset.

He was starting to feel relieved that it was working when he received a call. "Ah, Kyungsoo," he said softly, looking at the screen. He could feel his sister's eyes on him, waiting to see what he would do.

"Hey," he answered, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"How is everything going, are you still there?"

"No, we're on the way back to the apartment. Are you home?" He felt he was doing a good job keeping his voice steady, but his nose was stuffy.

"No, I'm still at my parents' house. Are you okay? You sound weird. I was going to have dinner here, but I can come back now."

"No," Jongin tried to say, but the tears had once more broken free. It was the sound of Kyungsoo's warm and concerned voice, and the fact that he was able to stay and have dinner with his family when he himself felt so rejected.

"Oh my God, Jongin, what's wrong? Did it go that bad?"

Jongin just sobbed into the phone.

"I'm going to come home. Is your sister with you right now? Make sure she stays with you until I get home, okay?"

"Mmm," was all he could manage.

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo left his parents' house immediately and drove himself home. Junmyeon was the first person he saw when he walked in the door. Before he could even ask, Junmyeon pointed down the hall. "Bedroom," was all he said.

He felt a nervousness in his stomach as he walked toward the door. What was he going to find? He opened the door and his heart sank. His baby, his Jongin, was curled up on the bed crying, as his sister tried to comfort him.

She looked up, her face pinched with worry. "Ah, Kyungsoo. I'm glad you're here." She stood up to make way for him on the bed.

Kyungsoo sat and leaned over to his ear. "Jongin," he whispered, "I'm here." He started to rub his back, and could feel him shaking. Fuck, he thought.

"Kyungsoo," Jongin's sister said softly, "I'm going to go now that you're here."

When he looked at her she mouthed "it was bad" and he nodded in recognition. Of course it must have been bad, for Jongin to be such a mess.

"You don't need to walk me out. Stay with him." She reached the door and turned back. "I'm glad he has you."

"Same." He grabbed some tissues off of the night stand.

"We're allies," she said with a sad smile, then left the room.

Kyungsoo returned his attention to Jongin, handing him the tissues and then stroking his hair. "What do you want? How can I help you?" Jongin just shook his head. Kyungsoo was at such a loss. All he could think to do was to crawl onto the bed and wrap his himself around his broken boyfriend. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he said into Jongin's ear. He found Jongin's hand then linked their fingers, Kyungsoo's palm against the back of Jongin's hand. They stayed like that for a long time, Kyungsoo patiently waiting for Jongin to cry himself out. Eventually, Jongin's soft crying sounds melted into deep breathing, and he knew he was asleep.

~~~~~

When he woke, they were both on their backs, squished together. He turned his head to glance at Jongin. It was nice to see him calm and sleeping, but the remnants of the night before were on his face. He looked unwell. He turned toward Chanyeol's bed and found it empty. He thought fleetingly that Chanyeol must have spent the night with someone else, and wondered if it was the girl he'd been talking about recently. Kyungsoo slipped off the bed and padded down the hall to the kitchen. It was early so there was no one else up yet. They had a concert tomorrow, and had a flight today, so Jongin needed something mellow in his stomach. He grabbed two bottles of water and some bread, which made him laugh. Bread and water, like prisoners.

Entering the bedroom he saw that Jongin was awake, half-lidded eyes staring at him.

"There you are," Jongin whispered.

Kyungsoo raised the water and bread. "Hungry?"

"No, but I'll try to eat." He sat up, eyes puffy and sad.

Kyungsoo handed him a water as he sat down, then opened the package of bread and pulled out a piece. Watching Jongin pick at his bread, Kyungsoo felt lost. He wanted to know what had happened but was afraid to ask. "Jongin," he started, "when you want to tell me what happened, I'm ready to listen."

"I..." He swallowed his bread. "I feel like I might have lost my mom. She hates me now, nothing about me matters to her. Not all the years I've spent as her son, not the love I have for her, not the love she used to have for me. Nothing."

He wasn't sure if Jongin was taking the visit with his mom harder than he should have, or if it really was that bad, but it was torture to hear him say such things, with utter defeat in his voice. He sounded dead inside. Kyungsoo felt sick now, and grabbed a piece of bread for himself. It was the only thing he thought he could eat.

Just then Jongin's phone received a text. "It's from my sister," Jongin said after reading it. "She asked if I got any sleep and said she'd keep working on my mom. I'm so glad I have my sisters. It's one little bright spot in my family situation. But I don't think she should bother."

Before Kyungsoo could respond, Junmyeon gave a quick knock and poked his head in the door. "Hey guys," he started, but stopped when he saw their faces. "Uh, we need to get ready to go. I wanted to make sure you were awake."

"We didn't get showers last night," Kyungsoo said. "Is there a bathroom available?"

"Yeah, I think so, but you better hurry."

"Come on," Kyungsoo said to Jongin. He found him something to wear, making sure to choose a shirt he liked on Jongin, and pulled him up from the bed.

Once in the bathroom, Kyungsoo opened the shower door and turned on the water. "Get in and get started, I'll be back." Jongin nodded and Kyungsoo left to find their leader.

He found him in the living room, stuffing his belongings in a bag. "Hey," he said to get Junmyeon's attention. "Jongin's a mess, so this trip is going to be rough. I wanted to give you a head's up. I'm watching out for him, but I don't know what's going to happen."

"His trip home was bad, right?"

Kyungsoo nodded. "I don't know what to do. Part of me feels responsible, you know?"

"No, don't think like that. You don't have control over stuff like that." He took hold of Kyungsoo's wrist and gave it a little shake. "Your trip home went better?"

"Mmmm. Especially compared to Jongin's. I feel guilty about that too. I haven't told him what happened yet, but part of me doesn't want to."

"I don't want to get into your business, so I'm not going to tell you what to do." He resumed organizing his bag. "But you're strong, Kyungsoo, you'll be able to handle it. He needs you, okay?"

"I guess." He turned, walking back to the bathroom. When he approached the shower, he heard a strangled noise. Quickly opening the door, he found Jongin in tears again. He was just standing there, letting the water run over him, head down and crying.

"Hold on," he said desperately. "I'm coming." He quickly took off his clothes and stepped in the shower, finding the water a little too hot. "Come on, Jongin." He tried to tilt his head up, but was met with resistance. "Jongin, it's me. Don't do this." His hands stroked Jongin's wet arms. "Don't make me slap you out of it," he said, poking him lightly on the stomach and trying to lighten the mood a little. Jongin let out one bark of a laugh in the middle of his crying, and Kyungsoo considered it a success.

"Jongin, I think you have every reason to be crying and having a breakdown right now, but unfortunately we've got to get on a plane and then perform. Can we maybe shake this off for now?" Jongin just nodded, and he looked so forlorn that Kyungsoo had to give him a hug. Having a wet Jongin in his arms would normally turn him on, but sex was the last thing on his mind. All he wanted was to convey his love through this hug, wanted all his strength to travel from his body to Jongin's.

When he let go, he grabbed the shampoo bottle. "Did you shampoo yet?"

"Nothing."

"You're such a procrastinator," he teased. "Okay, let's get you washed up." Kyungsoo put some shampoo in his hand and quickly worked it through Jongin's hair, then helped him finish his shower. When Jongin stepped out, he did the same thing for himself. They got dressed and made their hair presentable at the bathroom counter. They stole glances at each other in the mirror, and Kyungsoo hated how red Jongin's eyes were, and how he didn't smile.

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun woke to an uncomfortable atmosphere in the apartment. He had gotten home late when no one was up, so he had no idea what had happened. As he brought his overnight bag into the living room, he approached Junmyeon.

"Hey, why is like a funeral around here?"

"No time for details, but it's trouble with Jongin and his family." He fixed Baekhyun with his best stern-mom face. "Keep quiet about it. He doesn't need your crap today."

He looked offended. "Alright, alright, geez. Why do you assume I need to be told?"

"Because you do. Now get your butt in the van." Junmyeon gave him a wide smile that said he loved Baekhyun even though he was a pain in the ass.

The ride to the airport was fairly quiet, with everyone talking in hushed tones. Lips to Chanyeol's ear, he asked what had happened with Jongin. Chanyeol filled him in quietly with what he knew, which was only what Kyungsoo told him earlier that morning. "Damn," Baekhyun said. "That's harsh." He sat silent for a moment, then added softly, "I used to be angry about my situation, and jealous of Jongin and Kyungsoo, because no one was forcing them apart. And they could spend a lot of time together." He sighed. "But what happened to Jongin, I wouldn't wish that on anyone." He turned to look at Chanyeol. "I guess things aren't as easy for them as I thought. I bet Sehun and Tao rethink telling their parents anytime soon."

"Yeah." Chanyeol paused, seeming to consider the possibilities. "How are you doing by the way?"

Baekhyun knew he was specifically referring to his break-up, and was grateful for the concern, but didn't want to talk about it. "Getting by."

Chanyeol seemed to understand, patting his leg before turning to look out the window.

~~~~~

The airport was full of fans, as usual, but he noticed Jongin didn't make any effort to smile. Instead, he kept his eyes down, ignoring those yelling his name and trying to get pictures. He hoped the look on Jongin's face in their pictures would be interpreted as tiredness. It reminded him of when he had to go out in public during his own time of emotional devastation. No fun at all.

On flights, they often rotated who they sat with just to keep the members from becoming insular and clique-ish, but today they split off into their typical pairs, Baekhyun sitting with Chanyeol and Jongin with Kyungsoo.

"They must have so much to talk about, and here they are on a plane with strangers, so they can't." Baekhyun told Chanyeol quietly.

"Who?" he asked, confused.

"Them." Baekhyun nodded toward Jongin and Kyungsoo.

"Just worry about yourself," he said, sounding almost annoyed.

"I shouldn't care about them?"

"Sure, of course you should. But your concern is bordering on obsession." He gave Baekhyun a hard stare.

"It's not an obsession." He pouted and huffed. "Let's not talk about it." He wondered if last night didn't go so well with Chanyeol's new girlfriend.

"Fine by me."

~~~~~

Their managers checked them into their hotel, and Kyungsoo was assigned with Baekhyun, which was common. They put their stuff away in silence. When Baekhyun was finished, he sat on the bed and stared at Kyungsoo, waiting for him to finish.

"Why are you staring at me?" he asked flatly.

Baekhyun shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know." 

"Well stop."

"Kyungsoo..." Baekhyun dropped his eyes to the floor, then lifted them again. "I'm sorry."

Kyungsoo fixed him with a glare, but Baekhyun was not going to be intimidated, so he stared back.

"No need to be sorry," Kyungsoo said, "just stop staring."

"No, I'm not sorry about that. I love staring just to piss you off." He stood up. "I'm sorry about what's going on with Jongin." Feeling awkward, he approached Kyungsoo and wrapped his arms around him. He laughed to himself when Kyungsoo just stood there limp, with his arms at his sides.

"It's Jongin that's having a hard time." Kyungsoo pulled away. "Don't worry about me."

"You can't fool me. I know when he's upset that you're upset."

Kyungsoo chewed his lip and looked around the room. "Mmmmm. Thanks."

Baekhyun sent him his brightest smile. "We can switch rooms if you want to go be with Jongin."

"No, it's fine. I'll suffer."


	25. I'll Be Here When It's Over

JONGIN

Their manager told Jongin that he'd be rooming with Junmyeon for this trip. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't question it and just followed him to their hotel room and entered without a word. He barely had the energy to put his stuff away, but made an attempt to do so. He felt awkward being in the room with his leader, what happened with him and his mother hanging in the air. He kept his eyes glued to his stuff and hoped Junmyeon would head off to hang out with the others.

"Jongin..."

Shit. "Hmmm?" He didn't want to turn around.

"I know you're hurt and distracted. Performing is going to be hard, but it has to be done."

"Mmm hmmm." He stiffened when he felt Junmyeon's hand on his back.

"Is there something I can do to make it easier?"

"Killing me might help. But then I wouldn't be able to perform at all."

"Don't even fucking say shit like that!"

Jongin was shocked by the ferocity of his normally mild-mannered leader. Turning around, he caught Junmyeon's eyes. "I'm sorry. I was joking. I guess."

"Well, don't. It's not funny." He plopped down on the bed with a huff. "I can't pretend to know how you feel, Jongin. I know it must be horrible. But don't ever think you should die because of it. What would we do without you? I'd miss you."

"I wish I was more like you." He sat down next to Junmyeon.

"What do you mean like me?" His eyebrows knitted together.

"Mmmm, well, remember what we talked about a while back, when you said you weren't interested in dating or anything like that?" He rubbed his bare feet together nervously.

"Yeah..."

"I wish I wasn't dating anyone, or that I didn't want to. I don't want to deal with loving someone." The words came out as barely more than a whisper.

"Oh my God, Jongin, that's not going to make your life any better, trust me. You and I are more alike than you think. Your parents have expectations of you. That you'll find a nice girl, get married and have children. You aren't conforming to their ideal because you're dating a boy, so they're upset and unaccepting."

"Upset enough to disown me," Jongin said, pain evident in his voice.

"For now. Maybe that will change in the future. Don't lose hope." Junmyeon ran his hand through his hair. "But my parents have those same expectations of me, and I'm not conforming either. I'm avoiding their reaction because I'm in EXO right now, and they know I can't date openly, or marry. But once that's no longer an issue, they're going to press me. And when I don't conform, they'll react. Probably not as extremely as your mother, but they won't understand it at all. I'll be pressured, and told there's something wrong with me. They'll probably want to send me to a psychiatrist or something. So you don't want to be like me."

"How encouraging." Jongin attempted to smile.

"I'm not trying to bring you down." Junmyeon sighed, a sad smile on his face. "Jongin, you're going to have to decide what's most important to you in life. A life of your own, romantic love, Kyungsoo. Or making your family happy, having your parents in your life, not making waves."

"And I can't have both," Jongin said, resigned.

"I didn't say that. I think a lot of people can have both. But you can't have both unless you decide what you want, and you have to be willing to fight for it." He touched Jongin's arm gently. "What are you willing to give up?"

Jongin bent over, his face falling into his hands. "I don't know."

"I don't expect you to have the answer right now. But it's something you need to think about. You owe it to Kyungsoo to know what you want."

Jongin moaned into his hands. He knew his leader was speaking the truth, but it was so overwhelming. "I don't know what to do. I hate this."

"Don't feel like you need to figure it all out right away. Why don't you go to bed and try to get some sleep. You'll need it for the show tomorrow."

When Junmyeon's hand ran down his back, Jongin felt a little better, even if it was a small comfort. If his actual parents couldn't be here for him now, he was happy to have his leader as a surrogate parent. Bringing his face out of his hands, he turned to Junmyeon and hugged him. 'Thanks," he whispered.

KYUNGSOO

After a fitful night, Kyungsoo reluctantly got out of bed and readied himself for their rehearsal. In their van, Kyungsoo sat next to Jongin, who was quieter than usual. It made him feel uneasy. He didn't really know what to say, and didn't want to say anything with everyone else in the van, so he just held Jongin's hand and kept quiet.

After their rehearsal at the venue, as they settled into their dressing room area, Kyungsoo still couldn't seem to draw Jongin out. It was frustrating, but understandable, that he would be distant. But Kyungsoo was more worried than anything. During their rehearsal, Jongin seemed drained and lackluster. He decided that he would try to talk to him after the concert, when they got back to their hotel.

That night, as he and Baekhyun settled back into their hotel room, he decided it was time. "Hey, Baekhyun, I think I might want to room with Jongin tonight. If he wants to, that is."

Staring at his phone by the nightstand, Baekhyun popped his head up. "Oh, okay. You want me to leave?"

"No, I'm going to his room. If he lets me stay, I'll send Junmyeon over."

"Oh cool. I get to room with grandpa." Baekhyun smiled like the Cheshire cat.

"You're an idiot," Kyungsoo replied.

"I know." Baekhyun approached. "Good luck, I hope you two have a good night."

Kyungsoo smiled. "Thanks." How can I want to hit him and hug him at the same time? he wondered.

As he grabbed his bag of essentials and headed out the door, he called Jongin. "Hey," he said when he answered, "I'm coming to your room, let me in." He hung up before Jongin could say no or talk him out of it.

Jongin opened the door as soon as he knocked. "Hi," Kyungsoo said with a smile as he entered.

"Hi," Jongin returned, giving him his own sweet smile.

"Junmyeon, do you think you could stay with Baekhyun tonight?" Kyungsoo asked, setting his bag on the double bed.

"Uh, sure, let me get some things together." He milled around the room, grabbing what he needed. Once he had his bag packed, he turned to Kyungsoo. "So, do you have any advice for how to get Baekhyun to shut up and go to sleep?"

"A pillow over his face?"

"Charming, as usual," Junmyeon quipped as he left the room.

Once the door was shut, Kyungsoo approached Jongin and wrapped him in a back hug. "Were you able to get any sleep last night?"

"Mmm. Talking to Junmyeon helped me a little."

"He bored you to sleep?" Kyungsoo teased.

"No, silly. He just talked to me about stuff. But I'm still confused."

"Confused how?" Kyungsoo moved from behind Jongin to face him.

"About what I want." Jongin's eyes were on the floor.

"Hmm. Okay. Do you not want me here?" He started to feel nervous.

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm glad you came." Jongin ran his fingers through the hair above Kyungsoo's right ear, then let his thumb trail down his cheek. "I was starting to have withdrawals."

The feelings Kyungsoo had been holding back recently were coming to the surface. Placing a hand on Jongin's hip, he drew him closer. "Well, you can have as much of me as you want now." He reached up for a kiss and was happy when Jongin kissed him back aggressively.

Although his intention was to talk to Jongin, and just spend time with him, it looked like things were taking off in a different direction. They had not been sexual, or intimate in any way, since Jongin's mother caught them together. Jongin had been too devastated and things had gotten kind of awkward. So Kyungsoo was hungry for him, and his hands started roaming over Jongin, wherever he could reach.

When his hands smoothed over Jongin's dick, housed in pair of sweats, he heard a gasp. It was a common sound when they were fooling around, but when it was followed by the word "stop" he was shocked into actually stopping.

He looked into Jongin's eyes, and saw his brows knitted together in distress. "Why, what's wrong?"

"I don't know," Jongin stammered out, taking a few steps back. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. "I just felt kind of panicked."

"Okaaay," Kyungsoo said, drawing out the word warily. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, after getting all revved up. "We don't have to continue. Let's just go to bed then. You need sleep."

Having already showered at the venue, they only needed to change for bed. Kyungsoo stripped off his black sweat bottoms while Jongin pulled his white t-shirt over his head.

Kyungsoo pulled back the covers. "Come on." He took Jongin's hand and pulled him over. After Jongin climbed in, so did he, immediately cuddling up to him. "Don't worry about anything," he whispered. "Go to sleep."

Once Jongin closed his eyes, Kyungsoo propped himself up on his elbow and looked down to see that his boyfriend's eyebrows were once again scrunched together in worry. In an effort to soothe him, he began to lightly run his fingertips up and down Jongin's arm, wrist to shoulder, and then across his collarbones. He knew Jongin loved the feeling and hoped it would help him relax. When Jongin's face slowly lost its tension, he knew it had worked. He kept up the touch until Jongin was breathing the slow, deep breath of sleep.

Assured his boyfriend was asleep, he lay back down and, concentrating on Jongin's breathing, felt his own eyebrows tensing up. What did it mean, Jongin panicking at his touch?Jongin, the one who was always so thirsty for him, who never said no to him, who pursued him from the beginning. Why? It made his stomach turn with nervousness. He couldn't just let it pass by as if nothing happened. He had to know.

He decided to wait until they were back in Korea to bring it up. The concerts, especially when they were overseas, were exhausting. He didn't want to add any to his stress. In the morning, Jongin was warm and sweet, but still a little distant. Kyungsoo told him that he wanted to talk, but would wait. Nodding his head as if he expected as much, Jongin agreed.

After giving Jongin a brief kiss, Kyungsoo returned to his own room. Junmyeon was in the bathroom. "Hey," Kyungsoo called. "You can have your room back!"

"Mmm hmm," Junmyeon managed while brushing his teeth.

"Wow," Kyungsoo said, catching Baekhyun's eye. "He survived his night with you."

Baekhyun beamed.

Kyungsoo began rummaging through his bag for something to wear. "You know what they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or some bullshit like that."

"How about you? Are you stronger?" Baekhyun's tone turned caring.

"I don't feel strong at all. I guess we'll find out when this is all over." He hated when someone suddenly asked him personal questions. He needed to prepare himself for stuff like that.

"I'll be here when it's over." Baekhyun tapped Kyungsoo's shoulder.

Kyungsoo playfully socked Baekhyun's arm, then pulled him in for a brief hug.

Baekhyun laughed. "What was that about?"

"I just couldn't decide." Kyungsoo smiled.

"About what?"

"Whether to hit you or hug you."

"Oh." Baekhyun poked Kyungsoo lightly on his side. "Either way, I love it."


	26. Scrambled. Like Your Brain.

BAEKHYUN

Back in Korea, Baekhyun sat in his room with Chanyeol. After a quick knock, Sehun popped his head in. "Hey guys, Tao and I are going out to get some food and stuff. We asked Jongdae but he said no. Want to come?"

"What, like a double date?" Chanyeol asked.

"Don't be stupid," Baekhyun said, giving Chanyeol a light punch. "Oh wait, too late."

Chanyeol returned the punch. "Wouldn't that be funny, if there were three couples in EXO? The fangirls would freak out."

"I think the two couples we have is enough to freak them out. I think one gay member is enough." Baekhyun looked back and forth between Chanyeol and Sehun. "Good thing they don't know."

"Let's keep it that way," Sehun said.

"What are you talking about, Sehun?" Baekhyun asked. "You and Tao don't hide anything. You're like a walking billboard!"

"That obvious, huh?"

"Go away," Baekhyun said, throwing a pillow in Sehun's direction. "And yes, we'll go with you. Right Chanyeol?"

"Anything you say, dear."

The two got up and made themselves presentable. It was quite late, so there probably wouldn't be too many people out on the streets, but they had to be prepared. When they were ready, they joined Tao and Sehun and headed out the door.

They didn't have a lot of time, so they chose a little hole-in-the-wall place nearby. No one else was there, but they still chose a table in a hidden corner.

"I'm soooo hungry!" Tao said, trying to decide what to order.

"You're always hungry," Sehun said.

Baekhyun tried to suppress a laugh but failed.

"Don't be a perv," Sehun chided.

"You know," Baekhyun began, speaking softly, "I'm glad there's no drama with you two." He smiled when both Tao and Sehun stared at him. "We had my thing, then Kris' thing, now Jongin and Kyungsoo's thing. There's too many things."

They stopped their conversation as they placed their order, then waited until the waitress was out of earshot to continue.

"How is your thing?" Sehun asked Baekhyun.

"Well, I don't have a thing anymore, as you know." He picked at one of the side dishes that had been set on their table. "But as for me, I'm getting by. Most of the time I just try to forget it ever happened. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My stomach is still messed up though."

Sehun just nodded his head in understanding. "What about Kyungsoo and Jongin? Things between them aren't good?"

"If you didn't have your head so far up Tao's ass, you'd know what was going on," Chanyeol teased. Baekhyun kicked him under the table as Tao rolled his eyes.

"I don't know the details, really, but it seems like things are strained, after Jongin's mom found out," Baekhyun told Sehun. "Kyungsoo seemed worried when we were in China. What's the vibe like in your room, Chanyeol?"

"Uh, it's not icy or anything, but it's a little weird. They're usually really cute together, but now they just seem serious most of the time." He chomped some cucumber kimchi. "They haven't asked me to leave the room lately, or stay somewhere else or anything."

"But you've been staying out anyway," Tao said with a knowing smile.

"I've been warning him," Baekhyun said matter-of-factly, "not to get serious."

Chanyeol's face went red. "Hey, we were talking about Jongin and Kyungsoo. Don't bring me into this."

"Are you ever going to bring her around?" Sehun asked, swirling water around in his glass.

"No. I'm taking Kris' lead on this one. Absolutely secret."

Baekhyun tilted his head onto Chanyeol's shoulder. "But don't end up like Kris please."

"No, no. I'm going to do everything in my power to avoid that."

"Good job, son" Sehun said.

Chanyeol raised his fist playfully. "Son, my ass!"

"More importantly," Baekhyun said, suddenly serious, "don't end up like me."

No one said anything, but Baekhyun felt Chanyeol's hand on the back of his neck, gently squeezing.

JONGIN

Chanyeol wasn't in the room because he was out with Baekhyun and the boys, so Jongin and Kyungsoo were alone. Jongin was uneasy because he felt he should be saying or doing something. Acting normal. But he didn't feel normal. He quietly busied himself by putting away the stuff he had taken to China until he felt a hand on his waist.

"Hey," he heard Kyungsoo say, mouth against his ear.

"Hey," he returned. He kept his back to Kyungsoo.

"Look at me."

Jongin turned, his stomach flipping. Kyungsoo's eyes were soft, searching.

"Jongin, did I do something wrong when we were in China, at the hotel?"

Jongin shook his head.

"Then why were you feeling panicked when I touched you?" he asked gently.

"I don't know," Jongin said, barely audible.

He grabbed him by the hips. "Don't lie to me."

Jongin knew that tone. Kyungsoo meant business. "I'm not lying. I really don't know. Something just came over me."

"Okay," Kyungsoo said, sounding unconvinced. "I'm exhausted from the trip, so I'm just going to bed. You don't have to sleep with me if you don't want."

Jongin didn't know what to say. Of course he wanted to sleep with Kyungsoo, but he wasn't sure he should. As he contemplated, he watched his boyfriend undress down to his boxer-briefs. Looking at his smooth legs and slender body, a flood of desire swept through his body. As Kyungsoo was pulling the covers back, Jongin moved to bend over behind him and placed a kiss on the back of his neck.

Kyungsoo spun around in surprise. "What...?" was all Jongin let him say before kissing him hard on the mouth.

When Kyungsoo responded eagerly, Jongin felt himself growing hard against him. The taste of him and the feel of his heat was driving him over the edge. He roughly pulled down on Kyungsoo's briefs, and waited for him to step out of them.

Removing his sweats but leaving his underwear on, he pushed Kyungsoo until he fell against the edge of the bed. Climbing up onto the bed himself, Jongin ran his hand along his boyfriend's chest, and then down to his dick. When Kyungsoo let out a breathy moan, he began stroking. As he paused, pulling himself forward to kiss him again, he felt Kyungsoo's hard dick brush against his. He breathed in sharply, enjoying the feeling, but then abruptly stopped. Staring down at his trapped erection, he asked himself - What am I doing? Running his eyes up Kyungsoo's body to his face, Jongin began to shake his head slowly. He let go of Kyungsoo and shuffled himself back on the bed, away from his wide-eyed boyfriend.

"What are you doing, Jongin?" Kyungsoo asked, frustration in his voice.

"I'm sorry." He felt his face crumpling.

"Stop being sorry. I don't want to hear 'sorry'." Kyungsoo eyes were fixed intensely on Jongin's. "I want you to tell me why you're fucking with me like this." He sat up on the bed and threw the blanket over his lap. "Why in hell would you kiss me, undress me, grab my dick, then just be like 'oh, never mind'?

Jongin sat across from Kyungsoo, head down. He was afraid of how angry Kyungsoo sounded. "I didn't mean to do it."

"So, what, the devil made you do it? What are you even fucking talking about?"

He could see Kyungsoo's face going red. "Please don't talk like that," Jongin pleaded. Tears began to fill his eyes.

Kyungsoo leaned forward. "Do you enjoy toying with me or something? You want to get me hard then back off? Is that fun to you?"

"No!" Jongin spat out, his voice raised. "That's not what I'm trying to do! I'm sor..." He stopped himself. "Look, I'll finish you off. I shouldn't have started anything."

"No thanks," Kyungsoo said, calmer now, but anger still in his voice. "I don't need your charity, I can take care of this myself."

Jongin watched him get up, pull his briefs back on and head out the door. The tears in his eyes immediately fell and a sob slipped out of him. "Oh my God," he said out loud to himself. "What's happening? Oh my God." He sat on Kyungsoo's bed, listless and crying, until he returned.

"Still here?" Kyungsoo asked, clearly annoyed.

Jongin got up off the bed and approached Kyungsoo. When he took a few steps away from him, Jongin reached out to pull him close and wrapped him in a fierce hug. "Forgive me. You have to. I can't live with you mad at me."

"Jongin," Kyungsoo said into Jongin's chest, his voice gentle. "All you have to do is tell me. Tell me why you're acting like this. Why you don't want to be with me?"

Jongin let go of him, still crying. "I do want to be with you. So bad it's driving me out of my mind. But I feel...dirty."

"Dirty? Dirty how?"

"Like a pervert." He wiped his tears.

Kyungsoo grabbed Jongin by both arms. "Fuck, Jongin. Don't do that to yourself." He reached over to the nightstand to grab some tissues, then handed them over.

"That's how people would see me if they knew. How some already do." He dabbed his eyes with the tissues.

"Yes, some of them. But I'm only worried about one right now." He sat Jongin on the bed, took the used tissues from him and threw them away. "You know, I want to love your mother because she's your mother and she brought you, the love of my life, into this world. But right now I really hate her."

"Please don't," Jongin said, linking his hand with Kyungsoo's. "It's not her fault she got stuck with me for a son. It's understandable."

"I'm not buying that. And neither should you." He squeezed Jongin's hand tight. "I can't help but believe your mother was blessed with you. You're caring, smart, well-behaved and you love your family. So one little thing doesn't fit her ideal picture of you and she just gives you up? I think she's going to realize what she's doing."

"I don't know about that." Jongin sniffed.

"That's just it. You can't control how she thinks or what she does. You can't control anyone but you. I think you need to decide what kind of person you want to be, and what you want in life, and then embrace it. If you try to make everyone happy, you'll kill yourself a little bit at a time."

"I already feel like I'm dying." Tears sprung up in his eyes again.

"The last thing in the world I want, Jongin, is that. You just need to decide, even though it's hard. Give me up if you have to, but don't play games with me. I don't handle that kind of thing too well, as you know. And I hate myself when I'm angry at you."

Jongin laid his head on Kyungsoo's shoulder. "We had it so good and now this. It's all my fault because I'm weak."

"Sshh." Kyungsoo rested his head against Jongin's for a moment, then he moved his shoulder out from under him. "It's time for bed. This emotional stuff is too exhausting." He stood and pulled Jongin up. "I think you should sleep in your bed though."

"I understand." Jongin plodded over to the bunk beds and climbed to the top one. "Good night, Kyungsoo. I love you."

"Good night," Kyungsoo said sadly, then turned the light off.

"Kyungsoo?"

"Yes?"

"Can I have the tissues?"

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo really hated feeling angry and out of control with Jongin, so after his blow up the night before he vowed stay calm in the future. Remember, he told himself, this is harder for Jongin than it is for you. Be patient with him. And be prepared for him letting you go. It became a mantra he repeated over and over as the days passed by.

They were busy touring, so there wasn't a whole lot of time to deal with their situation. It allowed them to normalize a little, but they avoided all sexual contact. Kyungsoo made sure of that. It stressed him out to think about the fact that Jongin felt like a pervert every time they got intimate.

Their show in Taiwan went smoothly, even though Kyungsoo didn't quite feel like himself. After, he went straight back to his hotel room, which he shared with Baekhyun. He decided he would just stay in his room rather than go see Jongin or try to socialize with the other members.

That plan was interrupted by Jongdae, who stopped by shortly after they returned to the hotel. Kyungsoo dreaded getting dragged into things.

"Guys! I'm starving!" Jongdae exclaimed as he came through the door. "Come on over to my room. We're going to order a bunch of stuff to eat and hang out."

"Who is 'we'?" Baekhyun asked.

"Me, Tao, Sehun, Chanyeol, Key and Amber, Taeyeon and Heechul. And I'm assuming Heechul's boyfriend, since he's here."

"Cool, I'm there! It's been a while since I've hung out with Heechul and Gunhee. Should be fun." Baekhyun rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He turned to Kyungsoo. "I know you're going to say no, but want to come?"

He knew this was coming. "No."

"See? I'm psychic." He smiled proudly. "No seriously though, I don't want you sitting here pouting all by yourself. Why don't you at least come for a little while? Have some good food and maybe some drinks."

"No. And I'm not hungry. Go ahead and go. I'm just going to sleep." He sighed. Sometimes his members could be so pushy.

"Now Kyungsoo," Jongdae said, patting his stomach, "you have to eat something. We just busted our asses performing. Your body needs fuel."

"Yes, mother." He removed Jongdae's hand. "I'll order some eggs or something."

"Promise?" Jongdae held up his pinky finger.

"Sure," Kyungsoo replied, waving the finger away.

"You're making me sad, Kyungsoo," Jongdae said, shaking him by the shoulders.

"Go away." To indicate he was teasing, he offered a small smile.

"Okay then..." Jongdae turned to Baekhyun. "Coming?"

"Yep, let's go. Good night, Kyungsoo. Don't wait up 'cause I don't know when I'll be back." He winked.

"Don't worry. I'm going to make sure I'm asleep when you get back so I can avoid having to talk to you."

Kyungsoo felt relieved after they left, and relaxed into the silence. He had promised Jongdae he'd eat, but he really didn't feel like it. Instead, he undressed, grabbed a bottle of water, pulled out his tablet and climbed into bed. Just as he decided which movie to watch, his phone went off. It was a text from Chanyeol asking him to let him in.

Kyungsoo huffed, then got up to open the door. "What's up?"

Chanyeol's face cracked into a huge smile. "Ah, I just wanted to see you."

Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he let Chanyeol into the room. "What are you talking about? Aren't you supposed to be hanging out with Jongdae, Baekhyun and all those guys?"

"I was going to, but when I heard you stayed back by yourself, I thought I'd come over." He stood in the middle of the room, looking around and taking everything in.

"You can't possibly be surprised I stayed back," Kyungsoo said, crossing his arms.

Chanyeol's smile faded a little. "No, but I thought that maybe you shouldn't be by yourself."

"Hmmm." Kyungsoo looked him up and down. "I always wondered about the way your mind works."

Chanyeol wiggled Kyungsoo's arm around by his elbow. "Come on, let's order room service."

"I'm not hungry." He sat on the bed and nestled his hands between his knees.

"Kyungsoo, you have to eat, and I don't want to eat alone. What do you want?"

Kyungsoo looked at him with a unfriendly smile. "Truly?"

"Um, no. But at least tell me what you want to eat. I'll order it."

"Okay, to shut you up I'll just say to order me some eggs. Scrambled. Like your brain." Chanyeol was annoying, but sometimes he helped lighten the mood. He just couldn't hate him.

"Eggs it is." His face brightened with his smile.

When the food arrived, Chanyeol dug into his meal while Kyungsoo started in on his eggs. "I ordered you some fruit, too. You need it," Chanyeol said, mouth full of steak.

Kyungsoo gave a half-hearted smile and nodded as a way of thanks. "Hurry and eat so you can leave."

They ate in silence for a while, the only sound in the room coming from their silveware against their plates and Chanyeol's occasional "mmmm" noises. After eating some, Kyungsoo put his fork down and stared at his eggs.

"Are you expecting them to move on their own or something?"

"No, just don't feel like eating much."

"I want to know what's bothering you," Chanyeol said abruptly as he wiped his mouth. "I mean, I know, kind of, but really, what's up?"

After Kyungsoo finished chewing and swallowing his bite of egg, he lifted his eyes to stare at Chanyeol. "What do you know, 'kind of''?"

"I know that you and Jongin seem to be off. And I know that his mother is not accepting you two as a couple. Are they related?" He pushed the food away, hand on his full stomach.

Kyungsoo sighed and ran both hands through his hair. "Chanyeol, I don't know if I have the energy to talk about this with you right now."

"If not now, when?"

A growl of frustration escaped Kyungsoo's mouth as he got up from his chair and flung himself back on the bed. "Okay, fuck, I'll talk."

Chanyeol moved from his chair to the bed. 

Without looking at him, Kyungsoo began. "His mother has messed with his mind."

"What?"

"And now he doesn't want me anymore." His eyes remained fixed on the ceiling.

Chanyeol's eyes widened. "Wait. You two split up?"

"No. Not yet. I don't really know what's going to happen."

"What did she say?"

"She pretty much told him how perverted he was for being with me."

"Wow." Chanyeol began to pick at the blanket.

"Yeah, wow. So at first he just seemed upset, which is to be expected, but now it's really gotten to him. He can't help but see himself as a pervert. And well, by default, that means I am too."

"That's really fucked up." He flung a piece of blanket fluff on the floor.

Kyungsoo nodded. "And what's even more fucked up is that when we're together and...ah, nevermind."

Chanyeol back-handed his arm. "Shit, Kyungsoo, don't stop now. You're doing good. You can tell me anything."

Kyungsoo turned his eyes from the ceiling to the wall, away from Chanyeol. "Mmm, well, he still shows interest in me like always, but whenever things start to get physical he freaks out." Don't freeze up, he told himself, keep talking. "We'll be right in the middle of something, and he'll just stop. I didn't understand at first, but after having it out with him a little, it became obvious that the word 'pervert' is hammering in his head when we do anything sexual." He covered his face with both hands. "Ugh, I can't believe I'm talking about this with you."

"I'm glad you are. And I don't know why you'd be embarrassed. I room with you guys, so I see more than anyone else. It's not a secret. Shit, Baek and I even score you alone time when we can." He contemplated, rubbing his chin. "Of course, that led to the whole mother-finding-out thing. Sorry about that."

Kyungsoo waived a hand at him, to say no problem. "What's worse," he continued, "is that when he suddenly stops I get mad and take it out on him. I don't like being played with, and I hate that he's too scared to be with me. I try to be understanding, but I'm a horrible boyfriend."

"I don't know what kind of boyfriend you are, thankfully, but I know you're not a horrible person, so you can't be that bad. Have you actually talked about it with him? You know, without yelling?" He gave a hesitant smile.

"Yeah. And we both kind of realize what's going on, but we don't know what to do about it." He sat silent for a moment, breathing deeply. "I don't know. Jongin's always been a logical guy, I would even say wise, so I just thought he'd realize that what his mother thinks doesn't make him who he is. I'm kind of surprised at how he's handling this. But then again, he's very sentimental, and he really loves his mother, so her words have a lot of weight."

"And he's had such a good relationship with his mom that this has to be a major shock to him. Maybe he should get some counseling."

He was suprised that Chanyeol said something mature. "I thought about that, too. But how? He's an idol. He's supposed to tell some stranger about me and him?" He shook his head. "I don't think so. Anyway, I told him he has to decide what he wants. He can't keep playing with me." He ruffled his hair in frustration. "Shit, that sounds horrible. Like it's all about me. It's not. But yeah, I think he probably needs help in sorting everything out. And I'm definitely not the person to do it."


	27. 3 a.m. in Bright Blue

JONGIN

Jongin sat alone in his hotel room. Junmyeon, who was keeping an eye on him by sharing a room, had gone to the pool for a late night dip with one of the managers. That was fine with him. He didn't feel like talking to his leader.

He picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels, trying to find something to fall asleep to, but was interrupted by his phone. When he checked and saw it was his mother calling, he froze. His mind was racing. What does she want? Should I answer? What do I say?

"Hello?" He answered, his voice soft.

"Hello, son. I'm glad you answered. How have you been?"

Jongin noticed that even though she was saying normal things, she didn't sound normal. "Okay, I guess. I'm still here." He took a deep breath, gaining courage. "Mom, why are you calling me? The last time I spoke to you, you made it very clear that you didn't want me as your son anymore. Don't you feel like you're talking to a ghost right now?"

"Son, I know I said some harsh things, but don't overreact. They were for your own good. I miss you."

Still not normal. Still pretending, he thought. "Mmm hmmm." He got up and wandered aimlessly around the room.

"And I wanted to see if you'd come to your senses. If you'd thought about what it all means. You giving up your family for that boy."

He knew it. She wasn't calling because she missed him, she was calling to make her point again. He felt anger rising up in his chest, and began to shake. "You're the one that's giving up on family, mom. But I'm not going to have this conversation. Have a good..."

"Wait!" she interrupted. "Can't you be reasonable, son? You don't want to talk to your mother?"

"Mmmm, not like this. It's not good for me." He quickly hung up before she could say anything else. Tears sprang up in his eyes immediately. A disgusting, horrible feeling flooded through him. He felt that he might lose his mind, and needed someone to be here with him. He wanted it to be Kyungsoo, but couldn't bring himself to call. Grabbing his phone from the bedside table, he dialed Taemin. Please answer, please answer. Relief washed over him when he heard Taemin's voice say hello.

"Hey, what are you doing right now?" Jongin asked, failing to sound carefree. He started to chew on his thumbnail out of nervousness, but it reminded him of Kyungsoo so he stopped.

"Nothing, really. Jinki has passed out already, so I was just hanging out. What's wrong? You sound weird."

He could tell from Taemin's voice that he was truly concerned. "I don't feel like leaving my room, but I need to talk to you. Can you come over?"

"Of course. But seriously, are you okay? Did something happen?"

He didn't want to say too much on the phone. "I just need to talk to you."

"Okay, I'll be right over. What room are you in?"

Jongin told him, then sat on the bed to wait. Butterflies flittered around in his stomach.

When he heard a soft knock at the door, he jumped up and checked the peephole. Seeing it was Taemin, he opened the door, letting him in. He backed up a few paces as Taemin walked toward him.

"Jongin?" Taemin reached out a hand.

Jongin stopped and let him approach. "Taemin, I...I think I want to die." Grabbing Taemin's hand, he pulled him into a hug and buried his face against his shoulder.

Taemin stroked his back. "What are you saying? Why?"

Jongin could hear the fear in Taemin's voice, and didn't want to scare him, but he couldn't help pouring it out. "My life is falling apart. My mom hates me. Kyungsoo hates me. I hate me."

Taemin separated himself from Jongin's grasp and looked him in the eye. "You're still not making sense. Why would your mother hate you? Or Kyungsoo?"

Jongin allowed himself to be led to the couch, where he explained, through tears, how his mother was behaving and how she called this very night to press him about it.

Taemin grasped Jongin's hand. "First of all, why did you keep all this from me in the first place? I'm your closest friend and I didn't know. And here you are feeling like you want to die. I should have known."

He squeezed Taemin's hand. He felt bad for leaving him out. "I was just stuck in my own head. And it's been so exhausting just dealing with Kyungsoo, I didn't have the energy to take it to anyone else. I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to feel guilty," Taemin said. "I just want to be here when you need me." He shook his head. "This isn't about me anyway. It's about you. And I don't think your mom hates you." Taemin's voice was gentle and sure, which he needed. "It's probably more like blind, misguided love, and ignorance, don't you think?"

"Could be," he agreed. "Maybe. But you can't deny that some parents have the capacity to hate their own children."

"I hope that's not your mother." Taemin stroked Jongin's shoulder. "But what about Kyungsoo? He can't possibly hate you."

He looked away. "Sometimes I think he does. 'Cause I'm pushing him away. And it's clear he's angry. He can be scary when he's mad."

Taemin lifted Jongin's chin so he could look him in the eye. "He doesn't hurt you does he?"

He shook his head emphatically. "No, but when he's angry he gets real intense. It makes me want to crawl in a hole."

Taemin's eyebrows knitted together. "Jongin, if he's abusive to you..."

"No," Jongin interrupted, "he's not. It's not like that." He looked Taemin in the eye to assure him he was serious. "I'm just sensitive, and he can be pretty fierce. He doesn't really yell that often."

He patted Jongin's knee to reassure him. "Okay, I'll trust you on that. But I think you should be here talking to him, not me." When Jongin looked offended, he continued. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're telling me. You should tell me about stuff that's going on, but this isn't going to get better if you don't work it out with him."

Jongin nodded his head, but didn't feel too confident about talking to Kyungsoo at the moment.

"It'd be nice," Taemin continued, "if you could work it out with your mom, too, but it doesn't sound like she's willing at this point." He grasped Jongin's arm. "I don't know him that well, but I'm sure Kyungsoo is willing, so you'll just have to concentrate on you and him."

"I guess." He pouted and shrugged his shoulders.

"Here," Taemin grabbed Jongin's phone and handed it over, "call him."

"Right now?" His heart started to beat faster. He talked to Kyungsoo all the time, but it was different now. He had put up a barrier between them, and he felt so raw right now that he was scared.

"Yep." Taemin stared.

Jongin looked down at his phone, and chose his #1. His hands shook as he waited for an answer, and tears began to fill his eyes again.

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo was on the bed, glad that Chanyeol had left so that he could be alone. He wanted to sleep, but his mind just wouldn't shut down. Interrupting his thoughts was the sound of his phone. He turned to pick it up and saw that it was Jongin. He didn't hesitate to answer.

"Hi," he said warmly.

"Kyungsoo..." Jongin began, trying to keep his voice even. He could feel Taemin's hand on his back and, even though he felt self-conscious, he found it comforting. "Are you busy?"

"No, why would I be busy?" Kyungsoo immediately hated himself for sounding kind of grumpy. "I'm just lying here," he said, softer, "what's up?"

"Can you come to my room?" He blew out a puff of air. "I just want you to be here."

"Sure, I'll be right there." He got up and grabbed his black bag, not stopping to check himself in the mirror, as he usually would. Something about the way Jongin sounded worried him.

He left the room confident that no fans or press would see him. SM had booked the entire hotel floor, and had set a security guard to make sure no one got off the elevator on the floor unless they were supposed to. So even though he kind of felt trapped in the hotel, he also felt a bit of freedom. Freedom from prying eyes.

At Jongin's door he knocked lightly and waited. Much to his surprise, it was Taemin who answered. "What...?"

"Ah, Kyungsoo, I'm glad you're here." He leaned close, mouth near Kyungsoo's ear. "Stay with him," he whispered, then walked out and down the hall.

Kyungsoo entered the room to find Jongin sitting on the bed, looking drained. As he approached, he saw that his eyes were red. He absolutely hated when Jongin cried. It broke his heart. He especially hated when he was the reason for the tears. "Jongin," he whispered, stroking his head, fingers laced through his hair. "I'm here."

"Why?" Jongin asked desperately. "Why does life have to be so hard?" Still sitting on the bed, he buried his face in Kyungsoo's chest and wrapped his arms around his waist.

Desperation was obvious in Jongin's grasp, and Kyungsoo didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," he started. "I'm sorry I haven't been better to you. I'm sorry I don't take good care of you."

"I'm tired, Kyungsoo. I'm tired of everything. My body hurts, I'm being shuttled from place to place so much I don't even know where I am sometimes. I'm too busy to think straight." He started to cry freely. "Having you, and my family, always makes it okay. But I don't have that anymore."

"Yes you do. You still have your family, even if it's not in the way you're used to. And you definitely have me." His hand rested on the back of Jongin's head. He wished he knew a better way to comfort him. He wished he had the perfect words, but he was at a loss.

"Do I?" He pulled back from Kyungsoo's chest.

When Jongin looked up at him, his eyes teary, Kyungsoo felt himself crumbling inside. "Of course you do."

"Even though I've been pushing you away?" His fingers played with Kyungsoo's shirt.

"Yes." He pulled away from Jongin's grasp and sat down on the bed next to him. "I can understand why you're doing it." He began to rub Jongin's back. "I wish you had told me how everything was piling up on you like that. I should have known, should have seen, but I guess I'm not that observant. I'm sorry."

"Don't," Jongin said firmly. "You can't know if I don't tell you. We're all overworked and struggling. It's what we have to deal with to be where we are, so I didn't want to complain. But now this thing with my mom - it's overwhelming. I can't concentrate. I feel like I've lost myself somehow." He bent over, resting his head in his hands.

"You're in there," Kyungsoo said, poking him lightly on the temple. I have to get through to him somehow, he thought desperately.

"My mom called tonight. She wanted to know if I'd come to my senses yet." He huffed out a loud sigh. "Sometimes I feel like I want to die."

"I can't stand to hear you say that," Kyungsoo said softly, leaning to rest his forehead against Jongin's shoulder. "What can I do?"

"I don't know." Jongin's voice waivered. "Just love me. Don't leave me. Wait for me to get my head on straight."

"I would do that without you asking me to." He kissed Jongin's cheek, then stood up. "I brought my bag, hoping you'd want me to stay tonight."

"I do."

"Good. I'll text Junmyeon so he can find another room."

While Kyungsoo typed, Jongin pulled off his shirt and crawled under the covers. "I'm sleepy," he said, like a child to his mother.

Kyungsoo put his phone down, stripped his clothes off, and climbed in next to him. He snuggled up against Jongin's back, and brought his lips to Jongin's ear. "When I say I'm here for you, I mean it." His arm snaked its way around Jongin's chest. "We're not married, but I feel that committed to you. I'm not going to turn and run when things get tough. I may not always know what to do, but I'm not going to run." I'm never going to run, he thought, making a promise to himself.

A watery "Mmmm," was all Jongin seemed to be able to get out.

"And I know I'm not the greatest at dealing with shit, so if I get too out of line, you better call me out." He rubbed Jongin's belly. "Tell me if I'm wrong, okay?"

Jongin just nodded his head.

He propped himself up so he could look over Jongin's shoulder to his face. "Do you have anything to tell me?"

Jongin looked straight ahead. "Some...sometimes you scare me. When you yell and your eyes are mean."

"I'm sorry." His stomach did a little sickening flip. "There might be some people I enjoy scaring, but I don't want to scare you, ever. I just want to protect you."

"I like that," Jongin said softly, finally looking Kyungsoo in the eye.

I'm really going to start protecting him now, he promised himself. He moved back a little and pulled on Jongin's arm so that he would lie on his back. "Listen," he said, glad to see some of the desperation had left Jongin's eyes, "the next time your mom calls and I'm nearby, let me answer the phone."

"What?" Jongin's eyes went wide. "Really?"

"Yes, really." He ran his finger across Jongin's chin, feeling the slight stubble that was starting to grow in. "I want her to know she's not the only one that can love you. I want her to know I'm watching out for you. And I don't want her to hurt you anymore."

Jongin smiled and whispered "okay." 

~~~~~

Once they were back in Korea, they got back to their normal rehearsal routine. One day, Baekhyun invited them all out to eat, which Kyungsoo and Jongin agreed to.

During their meal, Kyungsoo was relieved that they guys avoided any relationship talk, so they could relax a little.

When Jongin started to rub his eyes, Kyungsoo suggested they head to bed. He helped pull the sleepy boy up, then they both said goodnight to the rest of the boys who were still nibbling, drinking and chatting.

Once in the bedroom, Kyungsoo asked, "Washing up before bed?"

"No. Too sleepy. I'll do it in the morning."

"Okay, go ahead and sleep. I'm actually going to grab the shower while everyone is out." He started gathering his things to take to the bathroom, then felt a presence behind him. As soon as he turned, Jongin grabbed him in a fierce hug, so hard it almost hurt. Kyungsoo waited for him to let go, but he didn't.

Kyungsoo, face smashed against Jongin's shoulder, said, "Jongin, you're crushing me." His voice was muffled. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." A lie. "I just...I love you." He paused, drawing in a breath. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

The whisper of his breath played against Kyungsoo's ear, making his heart beat hard. "I love you, too, Jongin."

Suddenly, Jongin let go, placed a kiss on Kyungsoo's surprised lips, then climbed the ladder to his top bunk. "Good night. I'm going to sleep in my own bed."

Obviously, Kyungsoo thought. "Okay," he said. Feeling uneasy, he went to shower, and returned to climb in bed. With his stomach full of food, he fell right to sleep. Sometime later, though, he felt himself start to wake. Chanyeol's back, he thought fleetingly. He struggled to come out of his sleep fog, and heard what sounded like Jongin talking to his mom. With a bolt he sat straight up and listened. Shit, he thought. He looked at the clock: 3 a.m. in bright blue.

Just then it seemed like the conversation ended, and he heard a cry. He threw back the covers and padded across the room, holding his hands out to feel for the ladder. Once he climbed up, he felt across the bed to get an idea of where Jongin was. He didn't want to hurt him by landing on him. Carefully placing his hands, then his knees, on the bed, he crawled up next to him.

"Jongin," he whispered. "Why are you crying? Was that your mom?" He didn't get an answer. "Shit, I can't see you." Lying on his right side, he shimmied himself close enough to rest his body against Jongin's. Something poked him in the side. He felt for it and found Jongin's phone. He placed it above his head, then ran his hand up Jongin's arm until he found his face, wet with tears. "I'm here," he said, wrapping his left arm around Jongin's middle. He didn't know what else to say, so he just lie there, breathing.

Eventually, Jongin's cries subsided. When his breathing finally slowed, Kyungsoo fell asleep and slipped into a dream. He and Jongin were in a small boat, floating on the water. There was a thick mist hanging over the surface, and when Kyungsoo looked around he could only see trees in the distance. There were no buildings or people, and he heard no sounds of voices, traffic or airplanes - they were completely alone. He looked at Jongin, who looked back at him with completely black eyes. Kyungsoo reached his hand out for him, but Jongin didn't reach back. Desperation filled him up. "Take my hand," he wanted to say, but couldn't open his mouth. Just then, a bird flying overhead cried out, startling him.

Kyungsoo jerked awake, and blinked himself back to reality. As his head cleared, he realized he was hearing a phone. Jongin's. He picked it up and squinted at the screen to see who it was - 'mother.' Without hesitation, he answered, just as Jongin stirred awake.

"Hello?"

"Hello?" a woman's voice replied.

"Yes?"

"Who is this?" she asked, perplexed.

"This is Kyungsoo, Mrs. Kim." Polite, but no friendliness in his voice.

"Why are you answering my son's phone? Where is he?" she asked, sounding more annoyed than curious.

"He's right here next to me, ma'am." He reached out to touch Jongin's arm.

"I'm here," Jongin offered softly, wanting his mother to know.

"Stop playing playing games with me. Put him on the phone." Anger in her voice now.

"I don't think so." His voice was ice cold, just like he felt.

"What did you just say to me?" she asked, shock in her voice.

"Ma'am, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not going to do that. Do you want to know why?" Kyungsoo struggled to keep calm.

"Put him on!" She was raising her voice now.

He felt his emotions flooding through him, wanting to break free. "It's because I love him. He's important to me. And I don't like to see him hurt and crying. Because I know if he talks to you right now, you're going to hurt him whether you mean to or not." He paused and could hear her breathing. "You're his mother, the one who is supposed to love and protect him. He cherishes you and wants to please you, and you've rejected him. I know you're shocked and hurt, too, but you're his mother. And you've broken his heart. It's killing him inside. I'm watching him cry, and struggle, and hate himself every day."

"You have no right to keep me from talking to my son. I'll go to your managers." Her voice was shaking.

Good, he thought, maybe I'm getting to her. "Go ahead and pretend you didn't hear what I said. Doesn't make it any less true. And I do have the right to take his calls from you. He has given me the right." Jongin's eyes were staring at him, wide.

"You're lying," she said, but didn't sound sure.

"No, I'm not. Your son doesn't want to talk to you because it hurts too much." He really wanted to make her understand. "I get that you hate me, and that's okay, but I wish you wouldn't let that hate ruin your relationship with him. It's not worth it, really. Don't you agree? I mean, even his dad is trying. And his sisters are wonderful. I'm glad he has them, at least. Maybe you can learn something from them."

"I don't have to listen to this!"

Even though she was trying to sound intimidating, Kyungsoo thought she sounded defeated and scared. "No one is forcing you to listen. Just hang up if you want. But before you go, just know that I'll never give him up, unless he no longer wants me. And the next time you call, it will be me you talk to. Goodbye." He hung up, shaking from anger and nervousness. It had been all he could do not to scream at her.

He handed the phone to Jongin, who was still speechless. "I'm sorry. I didn't really want to be harsh with your mom. That must have been hard for you to hear." He brushed the hair from Jongin's forehead.

"No. I didn't want to talk to her." He seemed resigned and listless.

"One day, Jongin, she's going to realize what she's doing. I just hope she does it before it's too late to turn back." He rested his hand against the side of Jongin's face.

"I love you, if I haven't told you enough," Jongin said, reaching up and grasping the hand on his face.

"I know," he laughed. "And let's find a way to get out of here. We'll find some time off and go somewhere nice, okay?"

"I can't wait," he said, breaking into a smile.

A real, genuine smile, Kyungsoo thought. It's a start.


	28. This Dance

JONGIN

While waiting for their chance to escape, Jongin settled into a new type of relationship with Kyungsoo - love and affection, but no sex. Weeks went by like this as he tried to work out his issues. At Kyungsoo's urging, he did start seeing a therapist, but only after the therapist agreed to sign her life away to SM. Besides, he didn't talk about Kyungsoo specifically, so he was only exposing himself. As it turned out, he really liked her. She helped him to see things more as they were, instead of how they looked through his mother's eyes.

Of course, Kyungsoo still stirred up his lust, but he just tried to shake it off. He told himself it was just temporary. That they would be back to their normal relationship soon.

His mother called many times. When Kyungsoo wasn't around, he just denied the calls. Kyungsoo answered when he could, and was always polite, yet firm. After the last time, Kyungsoo took his hand and said, "I think she desperately misses you." It made his heart beat fast, thinking he might be able to repair his relationship with his mother. He sometimes talked to his father, and often checked in with his sisters to get an idea of how his mother felt, and to see how his dogs were doing, but he never visited unless his mother was out of the house. It was all so overwhelming that his stomach began to hurt on a regular basis. He understood now, why Baekhyun had so many stomach problems.

The stress of everything was so bad that it had a negative affect on his body overall. His muscles and joints ached more often, and he got tired quickly. But they had a new album coming out soon, Exodus it was called, and they were extremely busy recording, filming and rehearsing choreography. He didn't have time to be tired, or to take care of his body properly. Kyungsoo did what he could to help - making sure he ate healthy foods and giving him massages - and he appreciated it, but it only helped so much.

One day, as they were furiously rehearsing the choreography for their title song "Call Me Baby," he realized he felt more exhausted than usual. Since it was his job to lead them in the dance, he tried not to show it.

"You okay?" Kyungsoo asked quietly, placing a hand on Jongin's hip. "Do your hips hurt?"

"A little, but I'm fine," he replied, hoping Kyungsoo would be convinced. As they continued to dance, he kept an eye on his boyfriend and tried to gain strength from him. It helped a little, for a while, but then he began to feel faint. Push through, he told himself over and over, but his body suddenly felt tingly and his vision went black.

He woke to find himself on the floor, a manager and Kyungsoo hovering over him.

"He's coming around," he heard his manager say. He tried to sit up, but they told him to be still.

"You hit your head when you fell," his manager informed him, "so we're going to take you to the hospital. They're bringing a wheelchair now so you don't have to walk."

"No...," he managed weakly, but he didn't protest too much. He knew he should be checked out.

As they wheeled him to the van, he noticed Kyungsoo tagging along. He kept expecting their manager to tell him to stay home, but he never did. Maybe, he thought, their manager knew better than to tell Kyungsoo no.

On the way to the hospital, he raised his hand to try to feel the back of his head. "Am I bleeding?"

"You have a small cut, I think," Kyungsoo answered, "but stop trying to touch it." When Kyungsoo grabbed his hand to stop him, he just held on until they arrived.

As Kyungsoo slid the van door open, one of their managers said, "Maybe you should wait in the van."

"Why?" he asked, looking perplexed as he helped Jongin out. "What do you mean?" His face scrunched up. "Is it weird for one member of EXO to come to the hospital with another?"

"You know what I mean," their manager said, sounding like a parent.

Kyungsoo came back like a defiant child. "No, I don't. I'm coming."

Jongin started to laugh, but it made his head hurt, so he stopped. He appreciated the relationship they had with their managers. At times they were like bosses, but much of the time they were like friends and brothers, so they could be open and disagree without any fear.

"There might be press, or fans, lurking around. Think about it," their manager added.

"Coming," was all Kyungsoo said, and that was that.

After the doctor's initial exam, they settled Jongin into a room and waited for him to be given fluids and further tests.

"I guess I should call your mom and let her know you're here," his manager said.

Jongin's stomach did a flip. "Do you have to?"

"No," Kyungsoo answered before the manager could, "he doesn't. You're not a minor, so he's not required to let her know. Do you want her to know?"

"I don't know. Kind of." He played nervously with his bed sheet.

"You know you hit your head, right?" Kyungsoo teased.

Jongin smiled. "Yes, I know, babe. But still, I kind of want her to know."

"Okay," the manager jumped in, "if you're going to start using pet names, then I'll just go wait outside." He smiled at them both and patted Jongin's leg before leaving the room.

"I have my phone," Kyungsoo said, "if you want to call your mom. Or I can call for you."

"You call," Jongin said with a pout.

"Okay." Kyungsoo pulled his phone out and sat on the bed. "Do you want to hear?" When Jongin nodded, he leaned over so the phone was also by Jongin's ear.

"Hello? Mrs. Kim?" he began. "This is Kyungsoo. I know you don't want to hear from me, but I just wanted to let you know that Jongin is currently in the hospital."

"Why? What happened? Is he alright?" Jongin was relieved to hear genuine concern in her voice.

"He's okay. Nothing too serious, but we just wanted you to know. He fainted during rehearsal and hit his head. He needs a few stitches, and he may have a concussion."

"Should I come?"

Kyungsoo looked at Jongin with questioning eyes. Jongin shook his head no. "No, there's no need. He'll probably go home in a few hours. It just seemed like his family should know if something like this happened. So I'm letting you know."

"Why didn't a manager call?" Jongin was relieved to hear curiousity in her voice, rather than annoyance.

"Because he asked me to call," Kyungsoo stated plainly.

"Oh." She sounded abashed. "Well, thank you. I'd like to be updated on his condition." She paused. "It'd be nice if he called himself."

"I'll tell him. Goodbye." He turned to Jongin. "See? I think she's softening. She's starting to realize what life is like without her son in it." He ruffled Jongin's bangs. "I'm sure she still hates me, but how she feels about you is what matters."

"I don't know how you handle her so well," Jongin said.

"Oh, it's just because I'm the boyfriend. I think the idea of it intimidates her." He smiled. "I'm also mean and scary."

Jongin laughed gently, so it wouldn't hurt. "Yeah, sometimes you are."

~~~~~

After it was determined that he had suffered a slight concussion, he was given stitches, fluids, some pain medications and some sleep aids, then sent home with instructions to take it easy until he felt better.

Back at the apartment, their manager led Jongin to his bedroom and told him to rest.

"Here," Kyungsoo said, pulling Jongin toward his own bed, "sleep in my bed so you don't have to climb to the top bunk."

"Okay," Jongin said, sitting down.

Kyungsoo started to clear his bed of personal items so that Jongin could lie down. When Jongin stood up and started to fuss around the room, Kyungsoo grabbed him by the elbow. "Hey, lie down. There's nothing so important that you have to do it right now."

"Just let me clean my stuff up a little, and get my things from my bed."

"I'll take care of it." Kyungsoo dragged him back to the bed. "If you don't want me to kick your ass and send you back to the hospital, you better get in bed."

"Kyungsoo?" Jongin asked weakly. He could feel the meds starting to work, making his brain slow.

"Yes?"

"Remember how you said I should tell you when you get out of line?" He giggled nervously.

"Yes..."

"Well...you just threatened to kick my ass."

"Okay, okay. I got it. More loving, less scary." He placed a kiss on Jongin's forehead, pulled back the covers on his bed, helped him in and covered him up. "Just sleep. And if you need something, call for me. Or text. Just let me know and I'll bring it to you. Okay?"

Jongin nodded, happy. He loved being taken care of in general. But when Kyungsoo doted on him, he felt like he was in heaven.

"And while you're sleeping, I'm going to plan our getaway." He waggled his eyebrows playfully.

Jongin cooed like a toddler. "I can't wait," was all he could manage before his meds knocked him out.

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun sat on his phone looking at various fan forums, checking the comments. Fans seemed to be really excited about their upcoming release. He had been nervous about it, with Jongin's head injury and all, but now that he was recovering, he thought it might be okay. He was thankful that Jongin was a natural at choreography, so he could catch up quickly.

He was caught off guard when Kyungsoo sidled up to him, leaning close. When he turned to look, they were eyeball to eyeball. "Uh...is there something I can do for you?" he asked nervously. He wasn't used to this.

"Actually there is." He smiled, looking at Baekhyun like he might actually be of use.

"Okay, I'm afraid." He moved back from Kyungsoo. "But what do you have in mind?" He couldn't fathom what he might want.

"I want to take Jongin somewhere," he said plainly, as if that explained everything.

"Well, that's clear as mud. Care to be more specific?" He put his phone down and waited.

"I told Jongin I'd take him away from here," he started, then stopped when Junmyeon passed by. Once he was out of earshot, he explained further. "I think it would be good for him take a break. Not just from the dorm, but the city. Everything."

"Sounds good to me, when do we go?" Baekhyun joked.

Kyungsoo knocked on his head. "You're missing the point, stupid. I said get away. That means away from you, too.

"I see how it is," he said, pretending to be hurt for a second, before brightening. "Where? How? When?"

"That's what you're supposed to help me with." He rubbed his chin, contemplating. "I was thinking of taking him to Jeju. I haven't been since I was a kid, on a class trip, so I really don't know what's good there."

"There's such a thing as the internet, you know." He laughed at how out of the loop Kyungsoo seemed sometimes.

"Yes, I know," he said sounding frustrated. "But you can only trust that so much. I know you've been there for fun. Is there a place that's nice?"

"Well, do you want luxury or privacy?" He knew this trip would probably be a mess because it's almost impossible to go anywhere without fans or the press finding out.

"Both. Can we have both?" He raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"You can have luxury for sure, but I don't know how much privacy you're going to find." He had gone earlier, before their popularity exploded, and was able to avoid fans. Now he wasn't sure that was possible.

"I need to find a way. I need to get him out of here." He looked desperate. "You're the sneaky one. What do you suggest?"

"I suggest," he began, enjoying the challenge, "that you enlist the help of a manager or, even better, a friend. Have them make reservations, and actually go to check in, then sneak you both into the room." He rubbed his hands together as he thought. "Your friend can stay in another room, and help you out when you need him."

"What friend?" He seemed bewildered at Baekhyun's plan.

"Or," Baekhyun continued, "some of us can go with you, and you won't have to necessarily sneak in. We can play it off like it's just some time off for members, just us guys being guys and hanging out. You won't look so couple-y that way, if someone catches you there."

"But..." Kyungsoo stammered, "the point was to get away, not take you assholes with us."

"Yeah, that's a tough one." He laughed, knowing Kyungsoo was right. He wanted them to get away on their own, but knew it wasn't so easy. They were going to have to take someone with them.


	29. Is it Okay if I Take Care of That?

JONGIN

Jongin woke to find himself in Kyungsoo's bed. His thoughts were fuzzy and he blinked rapidly to try to clear them. Feeling cold, but not having the energy to get up for an extra blanket, he curled up in a ball. As he lie there, his thoughts wandered. Did Kyungsoo say my mom was concerned about me? He wasn't sure he was remembering correctly, so he told himself to stop thinking and closed his eyes, breathing in the smell of his boyfriend on the pillow.

When he heard the door open he turned over and peeked. It was Kyungsoo, who immediately walked over to him with a smile.

"How ya doing?" he asked softly, and sat on the bed.

"I'm fuzzy and cold," he said, pouting.

"Fuzzy, huh?"

"Mmm hmm." Just hearing Kyungsoo's voice was soothing to him.

"It's probably the concussion mixed with the medicine. And I'll get you another blanket." He got up and climbed the ladder to grab a blanket from Jongin's top bunk.

Jongin thought that he would just put the extra blanket over him and leave, but instead he spread the blanket over him, took off his pants, then pulled both blankets back to climb in next to him.

"You don't mind, do you?" he asked.

"No." Jongin shimmied slightly backwards so that his backside was fully pressed to Kyungsoo's front. "Warm."

"Jongin," he said, close to his ear.

"Hmmm?"

"I have something to tell you." He took a breath. "Well, actually something to ask you."

"Okay." He still felt foggy, but this was perking him up.

"Should I ask now or later?"

Jongin didn't think he could wait. "Now."

"Would you like to come with me to Jeju?"

Suddenly he felt his heart beating harder, louder. "What do you mean?"

"I told you I was going to take you away for a bit." He kissed his ear. "I know you've been working on yourself and I'm really proud of you. But I still think you need to recharge in a place that doesn't have anything to do with work, or therapy, or your mom. I've been planning it, but I don't want to take the final steps unless you agree."

"I'll go anywhere you want to take me," he said. He was excited about the thought of a trip with Kyungsoo, but it also sounded like a lot of work. "After I get a long nap."

Kyungsoo laughed. "Okay, I'll finalize the details. Go to sleep."

Jongin had a sudden thought. "Do I smell?" He never wanted to repulse Kyungsoo, and got nervous about it sometimes.

He gave him a little smack on the thigh. "Oh my God, what are you talking about? Did you roll in shit or something?"

He was so tired he could barely get words out. "I was sweaty in rehearsal, then hospital, now here. No shower."

"Well, there's no cloud of funk surrounding you. And besides, I like the way you smell. Clean or dirty." He placed a kiss on his cheek. "Now go to sleep."

With that, he stopped worrying and drifted off.

~~~~

He woke in the morning with his head hurting. As a groan escaped him, he felt Kyungsoo stir.

"Ah, what's wrong?" Kyungsoo mumbled, half asleep.

"My head." He felt Kyungsoo sit up.

"Your head hurts?" He pulled back the blankets and set his feet on the floor. "You need more medicine. Let me get you something to take it with." He pulled on the pants he had taken off the night before and left the room.

Jongin lie there for a while, thinking about what Kyungsoo had said about Jeju. Was he remembering it correctly? Were they going away together?? His stomach fluttered with happiness. He was smiling as Kyungsoo returned.

"What are you smiling about? I thought you were in pain?" He placed a small bowl of rice with egg and some water on the night stand.

"I am, but I'm happy." Jongin shuffled himself up into a sitting position.

"Here, eat some of this before you take your meds, that way it won't be so hard on your stomach." He held the bowl out to him.

He did as he was told, then got out of bed. "I need a shower."

"I'll help in case you get dizzy." Kyungsoo grabbed some of Jongin's sweats and underwear from his drawers, along with something for himself, and followed him to the bathroom.

They ran into Junmyeon in the hallway. "Good morning." he said. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay," Jongin responded. "I'll feel better after a shower."

Junmyeon just nodded and patted him on the shoulder before walking away.

In the bathroom, they brushed their teeth, and after he dried his face, Kyungsoo approached him and ran a thumb over his chin. "You need to shave."

He ran his own hand over his stubble. For him, shaving was a constant thing, because his facial hair grew fast, especially the mustache area. "You're right." He reached for the shaving cream.

"Not now. After your shower, so that the warm water softens the hair."

"Okay." Jongin watched Kyungsoo turn the water on. "Are you getting in with me?" There was an unspoken please in how he asked.

"Of course, if you want me to." He raised his eyebrows in a question.

"Yes." Jongin smiled.

"Get your clothes off," Kyungsoo directed, then began removing his own.

Jongin let Kyungsoo lead him by the arm to the shower and watched him as he checked the water temperature. When the water was just right, they stepped in. The water felt so good to him, refreshing him and waking him up.

Jongin soaped up his arms and upper body, but before he could get to his legs, Kyungsoo stopped him. "I'll do it," he said. "You shouldn't be bending down like that. You might get dizzy."

Kyungsoo soaped Jongin's legs and feet, then stood up straight. "No washing your hair. Water is okay, but you shouldn't be scrubbing on your cut. Just leave it for now."

"Sometimes you're a total mom," Jongin said, laughing, but feeling a little twinge at the word 'mom.'

"Oh yeah?" Kyungsoo smiled up at him and ran both hands over his ass. "Am I like a mom now?"

"Not at all." He swallowed hard. It had been too long since he had been touched in this way, and he liked it. As Kyungsoo's hands continued to roam up his back, Jongin began to feel a familiar sexual charge filling him up, and knew that if he wanted to stop this, he better do it now. "I don't want you to be my mom, I want you to be my boyfriend." He fixed Kyungsoo with a stare, and refused to look away.

Kyungsoo looked back intently. "I can definitely be that." His hands slid from behind and rested on his hips.

Before he could fully realize what he was doing, Jongin bent slightly to kiss Kyungsoo. This was no chaste kiss, the only kind they'd been having lately; this was what Jongin had been wanting, but avoiding. Kyungsoo's mouth, wet and warm, lit him up. He twitched and stiffened below, then felt and heard Kyungsoo give a little hum of recognition.

"Is it okay if I take care of that?" Kyungsoo murmured against his mouth.

In answer, Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo's hand and guided it to his dick. Just that little touch made him feel like he was going to pass out. His man, his love, was touching him again. It was his own fault it had been so long, and feeling it now made him wonder what he had been doing. As Kyungsoo stroked, he closed his eyes and lost himself in the feeling. For the first time in a while, he allowed his mind to go blank and just enjoy getting off. It felt like heaven, but at the same time he was glad Kyungsoo hadn't tried to take it too far. He needed to ease back into this.

After Jongin came, Kyungsoo said, "Well this is convenient. Immediate wash off!" He laughed as he played with the shower water, making sure they were properly rinsed off.

As they stepped out of the shower and started to dry off, Jongin started to feel weird. "Hey, I'm kind of dizzy."

Kyungsoo wrapped a towel around Jongin's waist and sat him on the toilet. "With your head and the meds, it probably didn't help having blood rush to one spot." He took his own towel and continued to dry the wet spots on Jongin's back and neck. "I'm sorry. Bad timing." He smiled to show he wasn't really all that sorry.

"No," Jongin said, feeling drained. "It was perfect timing. And it did help. It helped me." He grabbed Kyungsoo's naked hips. "I was waiting for the time I could be like this with you again, without guilt. I kept wanting to try, but I was afraid of freaking out. And now it just kind of happened. It was perfect."

"Well, now I know how to fix you in the future - just knock your head on the floor." He laughed and rapped the top of Jongin's head lightly with his knuckles.

Jongin poked at Kyungsoo's tummy. "You knock my head around, and you can say goodbye to my fabulous blow jobs."

Kyungsoo's eyes widened, then crinkled closed with his smile. "Oh, we can't have that, can we?" He reached out his hand to pull Jongin up. "If you're feeling better, let's get you shaved. Is it okay if I use a razor?"

As Jongin stood up he nodded, then was led to the sink with a towel around his waist. He watched as Kyungsoo filled his hand with foamy shaving cream. His skin started to tingle as he smeared in on his face.

"I promise not to cut you," he said, as Jongin felt the blade glide down his sideburn area. He closed his eyes and concentrated on each stroke. He loved the feeling of Kyungsoo standing just before him, skin to skin, taking care of him. He reached out and felt the skin of his tummy.

"Woah there." He stopped shaving. "That's a no no. If I jerk my hand I might cut you, so have mercy on me."

"Ah, but..." His hand lingered.

Kyungsoo pulled his hand away. "You can do whatever you want to me later," he promised, "when I don't have a sharp object in my hand."

"I'm going to hold you to that." And with that Jongin began to imagine their time away.

KYUNGSOO

As the group started to promote for their new album 'Exodus,' and as Jongin continued to attend therapy, Kyungsoo worked furiously to negotiate a few days when they could both be free. That kind of time was hard to come by for the members, but he impressed upon their managers that Jongin really did need time off, emotionally and physically.

Baekhyun, big mouth that he was, pressed them for it too, saying he also needed a break. He was almost whipping the guys into a mutiny. But it worked, and Kyungsoo was glad. He realized it was sometimes good to have an obnoxious friend.

Once the dates were set, he had an old school friend make a reservation for them, including three rooms, at the Lotte Hotel in Jeju. Baekhyun had helped him do the research, and it seemed like the best place for them. Baekhyun decided not to go in the end, and Kyungsoo felt bad because of all the work he'd done to set the trip up. Baekhyun had told him that he knew they needed a break from him, too. As for their room, he chose a suite for himself and Jongin, which included their own jacuzzi. The other two rooms were for Kyungsoo's friend Haewon, and for Jongdae and Minseok. They were going because the chance was given to them, but also as a cover for the couple. With multiple members, it would seem less like a romantic getaway if they were to get spotted. Kyungsoo was happy the hotel was right on the beach, and hoped they'd be able to enjoy it without a fuss.

When the time came, they grabbed their stuff, piled in the van, and headed to the airport. They took a late flight to avoid the masses, and dressed with masks and hats to hide their identities. Kyungsoo could see that Jongin was nervous, not only because of the trip itself, but because he had kept the details of the trip a surprise. Jongin was going into this without knowing much. He was nervous too, because he wanted it to go perfectly, but wasn't sure it would.

When they landed they got a shuttle to the hotel, and waited outside while Haewon checked in. Once he came out with their key-cards, they split up, heading to their separate rooms with a promise to get together for lunch the following day.

When they entered their room, they put down their bags and looked around. Kyungsoo was pleased at how nice the room was, but Jongin hopped around going, "aaahhhh!" It was nicer than any room they'd ever stayed in.

"You don't like it, do you?" Kyungsoo asked, laughing at his silly boyfriend.

"It's so pretty!" He threw himself onto the bed, face up.

Kyungsoo flung himself down next to him. "So are you," he said, giving him a quick peck on the lips. "Give me your phone."

"What?" he asked, propping himself up.

"No phone calls for you while we're here." He swept his bangs across his forehead. "I don't want you to think about anything that's going on back home. Just relax, okay?"

Jongin nodded and shimmied across the bed. He hung over the side to grab his phone from the side pocket of his bag, then handed it over.

Kyungsoo got up, grabbed his own phone, and put them both at the bottom of his bag. He lie back down on the bed, resting his head against Jongin's shoulder. It was late, and he was tired. "So what do you want to do?" he asked. "Eat or sleep?"

"I wish I could do both at the same time," he answered, pulling Kyungsoo closer.

"I'll see what I can do," he said. After perusing the room-service menu, and deciding on dessert, Kyungsoo ordered chocolate cake with strawberries, along with some bottled water. When it arrived, he asked the staff to set it outside the door. When they left, he took it inside.

"That looks so yummy," Jongin said, rubbing his hands together.

"Okay," Kyungsoo said, "get in bed."

"What? Aren't we eating?"

Kyungsoo laughed at the shocked look on his face. "Of course we are. Get in bed." He pointed toward the pillows and pulled the blankets back. When Jongin climbed in, he covered him up. He grabbed a plate of cake and strawberries, and shuffled up to sit next to where he was propped up slightly against several pillows.

"Open," he said, as he picked up a strawberry.

Jongin took a bite. "Mmmm, sweet." He licked his lips. "You should try one," he said when Kyungsoo fed him another one.

"Let me see," he said, leaning over Jongin. He kissed his lips softly, then deepened the kiss. "Mmmm," he said, once he pulled away. "You're right. Sweet." He leaned over to get a forkful of cake. "I think that would taste good with chocolate," he said, before feeding the cake to Jongin.

Jongin's face lit up as he giggled. "I've never been fed like this before!" He clapped. "More cake please!"

Kyungsoo fed him some more, as well as eating some himself. It really was a delicious cake, and it made him so happy to see Jongin enjoying himself like that.

"Ugh, I'm getting full," Jongin said with regret. "But I want more."

"Okay, one more bite," he said. He lifted the fork to Jongin's mouth just as he moved slightly, and cake ended up smashed into the corner of his mouth. They both started laughing as Jongin stuck his tongue out, trying to lick up the cake.

"Let me help you," Kyungsoo said, grabbing a napkin. He leaned over, as if to wipe his mouth, but he placed his mouth there instead, kissing the cake away. "The chocolate is good, but nothing tastes as good as you."

"And you call me the cheesy one," Jongin teased, grabbing his earlobe.

"I'm not trying to be cheesy. I just really like the taste of you." He went in for another kiss, more aggressively this time. He was worried he might push too far, since Jongin was still working through some issues, but he let himself enjoy the kiss.

"Thank you for kissing me like that," Jongin said softly, when they finally broke apart.

"It wasn't charity," he replied, smiling and kissing the end of Jongin's nose.

"I know." He snuggled in to Kyungsoo. "But it just felt very natural and free. I'm glad you weren't afraid to kiss me like that."

"Let's not be afraid, okay?" he said, swallowing hard. That's all he wanted. Not just on this trip, but forever. He didn't want either of them to ever be afraid to love each other. "Let's be brave," he whispered in his ear.


	30. Spent the Day in Bed

JONGIN

When Jongin awoke the next morning, it took a moment for him to remember where he was. He lifted his head up to peek at Kyungsoo and was surprised to see two eyeballs looking back at him. "Good morning," he said.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." Kyungsoo's eyes crinkled with his smile.

"It feels so good to sleep in this nice bed," he said, stretching his arms out.

"No need to get up. Stay in bed as long as you want. This is your day." He kissed him on the cheek.

"Don't tempt me," he replied. He really did feel like he could stay in bed all day, but he didn't want to waste this time with Kyungsoo. "Besides, I'm hungry." He sat up.

"Okay, let's eat. Since it's still early, we can watch the sun rise." He got up and flipped through the menu. "Go get a shower started. I'll order then join you."

Jongin thought a hot shower sounded perfect, so he wasted no time getting in. A few minutes later, Kyungsoo joined him. Although it was always tempting to start something when they were showering, they focused on washing so that they'd be out in time for their breakfast to arrive: egg croissants and hot chocolate.

Freshly washed, and in comfy clothes, they brought their breakfast to the table by the window, and looked out at the sea. The sun was rising, first turning the sky golden, then a myriad of beautiful yellows, pinks and oranges. "It's so pretty," Jongin whispered before taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

"Mmmm hmmm," Kyungsoo answered languidly.

Watching the colors change and the waves rolled in, Jongin went silent. His mind went around and around with thoughts. His current happiness gave way to doubt, doubt created fear in his heart, and whenever fear reared its head he became confused and angry. All of that came back around to love, and Kyungsoo. He didn't know if he should stay with him or give him up. He didn't know who, or what, he should live his life for. He told himself not to worry, not to think about it now, because Kyungsoo gave this day to him so he could get away from all that. Sweet Kyungsoo, who always takes care of me, who is willing to be patient, and who sacrifices to make things easier for me. My love.

 

He looked to Kyungsoo a moment, watching him watch the sunrise, then turned back to it himself. He was determined to fully experience this, here with him, because he knew he might never get this chance again. But the questions remained. Is this man worth the risk? Risking his career and his relationships with other people? Was his love for him worth it? He took a nice, slow breath, and took another look at the man next to him. He found that Kyungsoo had been watching him, so their eyes met immediately. He was struck dumb and almost breathless. Those eyes, so full of love and caring, gave him the answer. He felt so at peace at that moment. He wanted to feel that kind of peace forever. All those worries and fears, those questions, drifted away as things became clear for him. He was going to choose love. He was going to be brave.

He reached over, took Kyungsoo's hand and savored the warmth of it. They watched the rest of the sunrise in silence, hands entwined.

~~~~

After the day fully broke, and they had cleaned up the table, they cuddled on the couch discussing what they might do the rest of the day. Jongin felt so overwhelmed by his resolution that he became quiet, and let Kyungsoo drive the conversation. Of course, that meant there wasn't much. They did, however, decide to join their friends for lunch. They decided to just lounge in bed and take in the beautiful view from their window until it was time to eat.

Jongin realized he must have drifted off, his head tucked against Kyungsoo's neck, when he was awakened by a nibble on his earlobe. "Huh?' he mumbled as he blinked his eyes rapidly.

"It's lunchtime, babe," he said, rubbing Jongin's tummy, "if you don't get up, I'm going to get so hungry that I just might eat you."

That doesn't sound so bad, he thought to himself. "Okay, I'll get up," he said instead. When he got up they stood together in the bathroom taming their hair and refreshing their faces.

A few minutes later they were in Haewon's room, along with Minseok and Jongdae. Jongin knew that Kyungsoo wanted this to be a complete getaway, but bringing other members just didn't seem avoidable. He had also been told that, even though he wanted to come, Baekhyun decided to stay home. Jongin's heart warmed at the sacrifice, knowing that Baekhyun was probably dying to come. He was glad that out of all the members, Minseok came. He was mature, quiet, and understanding. Jongdae could be a handful, but it usually depended on who he was around. With Minseok, he would be just fine.

They ordered a simple lunch, with sandwiches, fruit and champagne. "Thank you again, Haewon," Jongin said, "for helping set this up. This place is gorgeous." He took a bite of sandwich. "Did you guys see the sunrise this morning?"

"No, I slept in," Haewon said. "Too much alcohol with these two last night." He shook his thumb toward Jongdae and Minseok. They both smiled shyly.

"Ah," Kyungsoo said, "you pulled them out of their shells, huh?"

"I don't have a shell," Jongdae pouted, then plopped a grape in his mouth.

"We just had a good conversation with dinner, so just a mellow evening," Haewon clarified. "But I'm glad you're here now, Jongin. I've been wanting to meet you, since Kyungsoo always speaks so fondly of you."

Jongin felt his cheeks go warm, and hoped he wasn't blushing too much. But he couldn't help smiling at the thought of Kyungsoo speaking about him to his friends. "I'm glad to meet you too," he said, feeling lame. "Kyungsoo often tells me stories about when he was in school, but you're the first school friend I've met outside of the business."

"It's been a few years since I've been able to spend some time with Kyungsoo, since he's so busy. I'm glad he decided on this trip. For his sake and mine," Haewon said with a smile. "I'm sure you could all use a break."

Jongin thought the guy was handsome, and he could see now that he was really charming. That, along with all the time he spent with his boyfriend at school, made him kind of jealous. Still, he couldn't help but feel lucky that Kyungsoo had chosen him instead of his school friend, or anyone else.

They continued to chat about their various school days, and about how different things were now that they were all adults. Jongin thought that, even though Haewon seemed perfectly content with this life, that he was a little envious of the glamorous aspects of being a celebrity. While Jongin himself felt jealous of the freedom Haewon had.

When Jongdae started talking about what he and Minseok had planned for that afternoon, Jongin started wondering what he and Kyungsoo might do later. Could they possibly step out? Could they risk being seen? When Minseok asked what their plans were, he looked to Kyungsoo for an answer.

"Uh," Kyungsoo said, hesitating, "we haven't talked it out yet. I think we'll do whatever Jongin wants." He raised his eyebrows at him, questioning.

"Actually, I'd like to go to the beach, if you think we can." He glanced out the window at the sunshine and the sea.

"We're going this afternoon if you want to come with us," Jongdae offered, seeming excited at the possibility of them all going together.

"I was thinking maybe we could go at night, when the beach has cleared out a little," Kyungsoo said. "I think you guys are fine to go, but I don't want to call attention to us."

"Probably wise," Minseok said. He had been mostly quiet during their lunch, so everyone turned to him. "What?" he asked. "Why are you all looking at me? Do I have food in my teeth?"

Jongdae laughed and shook his head. "No, silly."

After a bit more conversation, Jongin started to feel sleepy. He tapped Kyungsoo on the arm. "I think I'm going to need a nap if we're going to the beach tonight," he said. Kyungsoo agreed and they took their leave.

Once back in their room, Jongin told him how much he liked Haewon, and was glad he had a supportive friend. Then he stripped off his clothes, and threw himself on the bed. He turned to Kyungsoo and put his arms out. "I need cuddles," he said, giving him a cute pout.

"Here they come," he said, joining him in the bed.

KYUNGSOO

They woke after a few hours, but remained in bed lounging and having lazy, random conversations. Kyungsoo made sure to steer the conversation away from family, work, or anything he thought might worry Jongin.

When Kyungsoo's stomach growled, Jongin reached over to stroke it. "Do you need to be fed?"

"I feel like all we do is eat and sleep," he said. He loved food, but sometimes felt like he should do a better job at controlling how much he ate.

"We're supposed to be enjoying ourselves," Jongin said, "so we should do what we want, even if it's just eating and drinking."

"Yeah," Kyungsoo agreed. "I guess we don't get many chances like this. Let's eat!"

They ate once again, trying a variety of dishes, then watched the beach from the window. "Let's see how much activity is going on, then we can decide when to go," Kyungsoo suggested. In the process, they saw a spectacular sunset. A sunrise and sunset with Jongin in one day, unbelievable, he thought.

Once darkness took over, the beach started to clear. It was sparsely lit, so most of the guests moved their way to the pools and surrounding decks, which were lit and provided plenty of places to sit and enjoy drinks. Kyungsoo decided this was their chance. After covering up as much as they could without looking ridiculous, they headed down and found a deserted spot in the sand. He threw a couple of towels down for them. They sat for a while, watching the waves and enjoying the breeze, but eventually lied down to relax and concentrate on the sound of the water. Kyungsoo wound his fingers through Jongin's. "I kind of wish we could spend the whole night down here," he said.

"I sort of want to set sail, just you and I, and find somewhere we can be free," Jongin said. "But I know it's just a dream." He paused, looking at him. "Honestly, my dream has already come true, 'cause I'm here with you now, knowing that I love you."

"I'm lucky you love me." Kyungsoo briefly touched his forehead to his shoulder.

"Are you getting cold?" Jongin asked a few moments later.

"I don't know if it's possible for me to be cold when I'm with you," he said softly. He wanted so badly to cuddle up to Jongin, to rest his head on his chest. But they were on a public beach, and there was always the chance someone would stumble upon them. Perhaps another couple looking for privacy.

"Don't talk like that out here, I might not be able to control myself," Jongin warned.

"If you get cold, let me know and I'll go warm you up in the room," he said, silently enjoying teasing him.

"If that's the case, I'm freezing," Jongin joked.

"Then let's go," he suggested, sitting up.

They worked their way carefully back to their room, stripped off their sandy clothes, hopped in the shower to rinse themselves clean, then headed straight for the jacuzzi. They stepped in slowly, since it was fairly hot. It felt wonderful to Kyungsoo, making him want to melt into it.

"Aaaahh, this feels so good!" Jongin said excitedly. "I wish we had one of these at home."

"One day," he said, "if we have our own home, I'll make sure we have one." He pecked him on the cheek.

"Do you think we'll ever really have our own place?"

Kyungsoo thought he heard sadness in the question. And doubt. "We can have it, Jongin, if we don't let other people stand in our way. If we don't let fear swallow us." He put his arm out and pulled him closer, loving the feel of his skin in the hot water.

"I'm going to try really hard," Jongin said softly.

Kyungsoo stayed close to him, silent. He was afraid to take the conversation any further, since it seemed to be making Jongin worry. When he felt a kiss on his temple, he looked up. Jongin was staring at him, eyeing his lips. He almost felt dizzy watching him stare like that. He found his hand reaching out for him, grasping his arm. He could feel Jongin's muscles, and liked the hardness of them. Pulling him in for a kiss, Kyungsoo closed his eyes and let Jongin take the lead. He wanted him to physically take himself where he wanted to without fear, without hearing his mom's words in his head.

As Jongin's hand explored his body, he resisted the urge to charge back, but spoke up when he was on the verge of passing out. "Jongin, I think I need to get out, I'm getting too hot."

They stepped out and dried off. Kyungsoo could see that they were both excited and ready for more, so he backed up toward the bed. Jongin took the hint and approached him until he nudged him onto the bed. Kyungsoo gladly climbed up, his heart beating heavy. "Jongin, in my bag," he said, pointing toward it. "Inside pocket." He watched as Jongin looked in the bag. His skin is perfect, he thought, while he stroked himself lightly.

When Jongin pulled the lube out, Kyungsoo spread his legs, waiting to feel his fingers. He kept his eyes on him as he worked, whispering "now" when he was ready.

Emotions flooded through him as Jongin entered him. It had been so long. Too long. Physically it felt intense, and he was moaning softly, but part of him wanted to cry. For this success. For Jongin's road back to himself.

"I love hearing you like that," Jongin said, breathing fast and heavy.

When Jongin lowered to kiss him, he moaned against his mouth to give him what he wanted. It drove him to push harder and faster, which Kyungsoo couldn't get enough of. He didn't know if Jongin had ever been so intense with him, and it was getting him off quickly. He pushed himself against Jongin, while calling his name softly.

Jongin kissed his neck, then whispered "I love you" just before coming. Kyungsoo was so on edge and at the height of pleasure, that when Jongin gently stroked him, he came too. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. As he lie there, Jongin continued to place kisses on his face, neck and chest. It was a nice way to relax, and he didn't want it to end.

It ended when Jongin sat up and said, "What do we do with the blanket?"

He laughed. Since they began their relationship, they'd always been concerned about cleanliness, and here they were stuck in a hotel with a soiled blanket. "Just pull it off," he suggested. "We don't need the top one."

They got up and removed the blanket, then Kyungsoo led Jongin to the bathroom for clean up. "I think I'm going to sleep good tonight," he said.

"Me too," Jongin said, sounding contemplative. Standing in front of the mirror, he hugged Kyungsoo from behind. "I don't think I want to give my therapist the details," he said, laughing, "but I think my next session will be good."

Kyungsoo made eye contact with him in the mirror. "I hope so," he replied, wrapping his arms over Jongin's. "But I don't want you thinking about therapy while we're here. You'll have plenty of that when we get back."

"Okay," he said kissing the back of Kyungsoo's head, "I'll just think about how beautiful you are."

"Good idea."


	31. It Starts with a 'Chi' and Ends with a 'Ken'

JONGIN

After a peaceful last night in Jeju, Jongin woke refreshed and happy. As Kyungsoo stirred, Jongin giggled softly to himself.

"What's so funny?" Kyungsoo asked groggily.

He laughed harder with embarassment. "Uh...I was just thinking how happy I am that last night worked out. You know, I didn't freak out or anything. I just felt like someone who had scored in a big game. "He covered his face for a few seconds. "And I just thought 'goooooaaaaaaallllll!!!!!!'"

Kyungsoo let out a little laugh. "I guess you did score."

Jongin buried his face in Kyungsoo's chest and together they laughed like idiots. It felt so good to him to be physically close to his boyfriend, and to feel free enough to joke about sex. He was glad he took the advice to see a therapist, which he knew had really helped him. And this trip was definitely what he needed. In the back of his mind, though, he wondered if he would be able to maintain his strength in the face of adversity. He stopped that train of thought by kissing Kyungsoo's bare chest and then sitting up. "I want one more sunrise with you," he said.

So they got up and, much like the previous morning, they ate breakfast as the sun came up. After, they showered and got their stuff ready to go. Jongin found that he couldn't help stopping to give Kyungsoo a peck every so often.

After a short flight home, they settled in back home. In comparison to the luxury and privacy of the hotel, their bedroom seemed almost stifling. At the same time, it felt familiar and comfortable, and he was glad to be home.

As time went on, they settle back into a busy work routine and, even though there were occasional speed-bumps, Jongin was pleased that his work and love life were running pretty smoothly. Kyungsoo's acting started to really take off, and he was proud, but also missed having him around like he was used to. It wasn't unusual for him to be out filming into the late hours of the night, sometimes even until early morning. He worried about the toll it might take on Kyungsoo, and wanted to take care of him somehow. He would try little things, like helping him shower after a long night, and having all his favorite things out and ready for him, like his comfy night-shirts, soothing lotions and delicious candies.

One night, he decided to try cooking a late dinner. He looked up a fairly simple but healthy stew online, bought all the ingredients, and set about preparing it. Before he could finish, Kyungsoo surprised him by getting home earlier than expected.

"What are you doing in the kitchen?" Kyungsoo asked, clearly perplexed.

He waved some scallions around. "I'm cooking you dinner!" He did a little boogie across the floor.

"Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?" His eyes scrunched up with his smile, as Jongin kept shimmying around the kitchen, waving ingredients around.

"I found a recipe! What could go wrong?" He dropped some cubed tofu into the boiling broth.

"But...," Kyungsoo started. "Uh, nevermind. I'm sure it will be...survivable." He grabbed Jongin's arms to keep him still long enough to kiss him. "I hope you have a back-up plan," he said as he left the room.

Back-up plan. Hmph. He began to sing as he seasoned the stew. When Kyungsoo returned to the kitchen, he offered a spoonful of his creation. "Try it!"

Kyungsoo carefully took a sip from the spoon, then stared wordlessly at Jongin.

"Well?" He wiggled in anticipation.

"Not bad," he responded. "Edible." He walked to the cupboards and pulled out a couple of spices, and shook them into the stew. "I think this will put some kick into it."

Jongin took notice of the spices he used for future reference. If his boyfriend like them, he'd use them. He watched Kyungsoo take another spoonful.

"Good." He kissed Jongin. "Thank you."

They sat at the table together, eating their stew, and talked about Kyungsoo's night of filming. Everyone else was either asleep or out, so it felt very soothing for Jongin. He couldn't help but fantasize about what their future life might be life. A home of their own, and plenty of free time to spend with each other. He wanted that.

 

KYUNGSOO

With his super busy schedule, Kyungsoo looked forward to any free time he had, especially if it involved days rather than hours. One day, while resting at home on the couch, his phone rang. "Hello?" he answered groggily. "Ah, mom, how are you?" He noticed Baekhyun, who was also in the living room, staring at him. With a flick of his hand he tried to shoo him out, but the nosy boy didn't budge.

"I'm good. How are your schedules?" she asked.

"Pretty busy, but I'm surviving." He sat up, shaking out his left arm, which had gone all pins and needles.

"Are you going to have free time during Chuseok? Please say yes."

"Yes, mom, I'll have time." A grin broke out on his face. "I'll definitely come home." He thought it was cute when she got all mom-like.

"Mmmm," his mom started, hesitating, "what about Jongin? Do you think he'll go home?"

"I doubt it." His smile faded.

"Well, bring him."

"What?" He sat up straighter.

"Bring him with you." To Kyungsoo, it sounded as if she was trying really hard to be resolute.

"Really?" He was afraid she'd back down.

"Yes, really." She sighed. "It's just too sad for him to be left out on a family holiday." Kyungsoo was at a loss for words and was still attempting to spit something out when his mom continued. "If he can't go home to his own family, he can be a part of ours. He sort of already is, right?"

"Mom, I...I already knew you were awesome, but now I can truthfully say you're my hero. You don't know how happy I am right now." He ran his hand over his face, partially covering his smile.

His mom laughed. "Just how I want you."

"I'll ask him." He was gripping his phone so fiercely he thought he might break it.

"Okay, let me know. And if he's coming, tell me what he likes to eat."

"Oh, that's easy," Kyungsoo laughed. "It starts with a 'chi' and ends with a 'ken'."

"I'll make sure to have plenty. Can't wait to have you home."

The warmth in his mother's voice filled him up. "Can't wait to be home. Love you, mom."

"Love you, too."

The phone call had him so wrapped up that he forgot about Baekhyun until he heard a snicker. He narrowed his eyes at the boy. "Did you take good notes?"

"You look like you just won the lottery," Baekhyun said, fishing for information.

"Better," Kyungsoo replied. He stood up and approached Baekhyun, pinching his cheek. "You're cute."

"I know. But what was that call about?" He sat up straight and craned his neck around to watch Kyungsoo walk away.

"Bye," was all Kyungsoo said as he left the room. Padding down the hall, he peeked back in his room to check on Jongin and found he was sleeping soundly. As he turned around he ran right into Baekhyun, who had been following behind him.

"Ah!" Baekhyun jumped in surprise.

"Shut...up!" Kyungsoo whispered, punctuating each word with a punch to the chest. He shut the door. "If you wake him I'll kill you."

Baekhyun rubbed his chest, let out a wounded puppy noise, then smiled. "Is he sleeping?"

"Yes. Why are you stalking me?" He turned Baekhyun around and started to gently push him away from the door and toward his own room. "Go play by yourself."

As they approached the door, Baekhyun turned back around to face him. "But I want you to share. What was that phone call? What did your mom say?"

"What phone call?" Sehun asked from inside the room.

"Not you, too," Kyungsoo said as he entered their room, his left hand gripped firmly on Baekhyun's right arm.

"Well," Sehun said, "you guys were talking within earshot. Am I supposed to ignore it?"

"Yes," they answered in unison.

Baekhyun shut the door behind him, leaving Kyungsoo in his room. Sitting on his bed, he looked up. "Is something good happening?"

Kyungsoo stood with his hands on his hips, Sehun behind him looking like a puppy waiting for a treat. "You're not going to leave me alone until I tell you, right?"

"You are so smart, Kyungsoo. Seriously. I think you should have gone to university rather than becoming a singer." His smile spread to show a beautiful row of teeth. "Why don't you sit and stay a while?"

"Can I listen?" Sehun asked.

Kyungsoo waved a hand at him absentmindedly. "Stay. Listen if you want." He turned to him. "You're one of the only ones who can understand."

"Tell! Tell!" Baekhyun wiggled with anticipation.

"Calm down, Baek. It's not like we're getting married. It's not that big of a deal." He looked back and forth between the two and took a deep breath. "Okay, I talked to my mom and she asked about Jongin. She wanted to know how he was, then she asked if he was going home for Chuseok. I said no, so she asked me to bring him home so he can spend the holiday with us." Despite trying to hold back a smile, it broke free.

A 'ah' sound escaped from Sehun, and Baekhyun popped up off of the bed. "Come here, let me give you a hug." He held his arms wide.

"Get away from me!" Spinning and ducking, he managed to avoid the embrace.

"Kyungsoo," Baekhyun said, whining, "you seem to think I'm joking. I'm not trying to play with you. Or give you shit." He paused. "Well, sometimes I do, but not with this. Seriously." He stroked Kyungsoo arm from shoulder to elbow.

"How can I take you seriously when you constantly give me that shit-eating grin?" He smiled, causing his cheeks to puff out.

The smile on Baekhyun's face disappeared immediately, and he stared at Kyungsoo earnestly. For a few seconds.

"See! You're not serious!"

"I think he means it," Sehun said.

"See?" Baekhyun took a step forward, arms wide once more. When Kyungsoo didn't attempt to evade him, he wrapped his arms around him. "It's nice to have your family on your side. I'm happy for you."

"Me too," Sehun said, and joined the hug from behind.

"Kill me now," Kyungsoo said softly, but he felt happy.


	32. It Shouldn't Be Worse

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun was happy that Kyungsoo had softened to him. He felt a brief desire to give him a peck on the cheek, but then thought better of it. He didn't want to die.

Once they released him, Kyungsoo turned to Sehun. "Um, Sehun, can I ask you something?" His eyes were on the floor while his hands fidgeted.

"What?"

Baekhyun saw Kyungsoo give him a look as if he wanted him to leave, but then he just shook his head and turned back to Sehun.

"How was it when you went to China to stay with Tao's family? Was it weird?"

Sehun sat back down. "Uh...kind of. Not too bad, though. I mean, it was fun, and his family was nice. But I felt awkward at the same time. We haven't told them, but we think they probably have an idea. So I did feel like they were maybe viewing me as if I was dating their son. And I couldn't help thinking that they probably didn't like that." He swung his left leg up and down, hitting the floor with his heel. "It's all in my own head, though. If I felt weird, it was because I was imagining how they felt, not because they were bad to me."

"Why do you think they know? Did they say something?" Baekhyun asked.

Sehun turned his head to Baekhyun, as if he forgot he was in the room. "They would say things like, 'Oh, I'm glad my son has a close friend in Korea' and 'Zitao talks about you a lot.'" He rubbed his hands together. "And the way they would look at me sometimes would make me squirm. But to Tao they've said stuff like, 'you two seem close' and 'you guys spend a lot of time together outside of work.'" He blushed. "It's like they're trying to catch him. Giving him an opportunity to admit it."

"You're worried about taking Jongin home?" Baekhyun asked.

"A little. My family has been really cool about everything. On the outside anyway. But I don't really know how they feel, I guess. I assume they're actually okay with it, for the most part, since we're a pretty open family." He stopped pretending he was leaving any second, and sat down. "I'd be nervous taking a girlfriend home for the first time, but this is worse."

"It shouldn't be worse," Baekhyun said. When Kyungsoo looked him in they eye, he repeated it more firmly. "It shouldn't be worse."

"Yeah, well, it is." Kyungsoo's bad attitude was starting to show. "If it wasn't worse, Jongin wouldn't be estranged from his mom right now. And she wouldn't hate me."

"Oh," Baekhyun said, "I'm pretty sure she'd hate you anyway." He instinctively flinched, waiting for a punch on the arm. It didn't come. Instead, he was ignored as Kyungsoo turned back to Sehun.

"Do you think if they knew they would still accept you in Tao's life?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Tao says yes. They are pretty worldly and friendly. But at the same time they're very family oriented. And Tao and I aren't going to be able to continue any family line."

Baekhyun suddenly covered his face with his hands. "Aaaaah!"

"What?!" Sehun asked.

"All this nonsense makes me crazy!" His hands fell from his face and he looked stricken. "I date someone who would be gladly accepted by my outside friends and family, but is not accepted by this group or company. You guys date someone who is pretty much accepted in the group, but you have trouble with the company, and even more with family." He felt his face going red. "Why? Why should this be any issue for anyone except for the two people in the relationship? Why does everyone think they need to have a hand in who you date? It pisses me off!"

"Sometimes others do have to get involved, Baekhyun." Kyungsoo sounded like a parent. "If the person you're dating is a danger to you."

"Is Jongin a danger to you? Are you a danger to him?"

"No, he's not a danger to me. And I hope I'm not one to him. But if you were dating a violent person, then the people who love you should speak up."

"What?" Baekhyun was confused. "I never dated a person like that."

"I'm just making a point - that sometimes your loved ones do need to speak up about the people you date. So other people, like Jongin's mom, may see certain situations that way, even if we don't."

"Hmmm." Baekhyun wasn't sure he was convinced of that.

"I try hard not to hate her because I know she's behaving this way out of love. She feels his relationship with me is a danger to him. It kind of is if you think about it. Our relationship could ruin his career and reputation. And it could shame the family." Kyungsoo rubbed his hands over his face, then through his hair. He flopped back on Baekhyun's bed. "I just want it to all be okay. If Jongin can't have his family the way he did before, I want him to have my family. But I'm worried that it's not going to work like that. Seems too much like a dream."

Baekhyun, reaching for Kyungsoo's hand, felt a little lump in his throat. "It can be reality. I'll do whatever I can to help you make it a reality." He felt Kyungsoo's hand squeeze his.

"You guys," Sehun said, "I think I'm going to cry." He pretended to wipe tears and started laughing.

Baekhyun picked up a stuffed toy from his bed and threw it at him. "Go see your lame boyfriend."

"Oooh," Kyungsoo said, still lying on the bed, "I think I'm starting to like you, Baekhyun."

 

JONGIN

Jongin was beat from the extra practice time he spent at the dance studio, so when he got home he just wanted to wash up and go to bed. Since Kyungsoo was home and in bed, he climbed in with him instead of going to his own bed. "Hey babe," he said as he as he took in Kyungsoo's scent. "Are you sleepy?"

"Kind of, but I was trying to stay awake for you." He turned to throw his arm across Jongin's chest.

"Awww, what a sweetie." Jongin kissed him on the temple. He wanted to squish him. "For any particular reason, or you just wanted to see my beautiful face?"

"I always want to see your face." He pecked Jongin a few times on the lips. "I especially want to see your face at my parents' house this Chuseok."

Jongin's heart began to race and he popped up. "What?! What do you mean?"

"My mom invited you. She wants you to come." He pulled Jongin back down onto the bed.

Jongin gave Kyungsoo's stomach a soft tap with his fingertips. "Are you sure she wants me to come? Really?"

"Really. I didn't bring it up. She did. She called because she was worried about you." He brushed a wisp of hair from Jongin's forehead.

"Okay." Jongin smiled and nodded. He had so many feelings, and things to say, but he couldn't manage.

"I'm finally going to bring someone home to my parents." He lauged softly. "It'll be my first time."

"My first time being brought." Jongin's voice was getting sleepy and slow now that he was in bed.

"We've been each other's firsts for a lot of things," Kyungsoo said, snuggling up to him.

"I hope we'll be each other's last," he said, lips on Kyungsoo's ear. They got quiet, and Jongin fantasized about their future lives until he fell asleep.

~~~~~

In the days leading up to Chuseok, Jongin became nervous. With just two days to go before the holiday, he and the members started to wind down their work and began preparing for their trips home. It would be the first time he wouldn't be at home for Chuseok. He was sad, but told himself it was a part of becoming an adult. When you shared a life with someone, you had to share events between the two families. And even though he knew that with this holiday he didn't have a choice in the matter, he determined to look at it as practice for the future. He had to get used to growing up and away from his family. He hoped, in return, one day Kyungsoo would be spending a holiday with his family.

They would be spending all three days at Kyungsoo's parents' house, so the day before heading out Jongin started worrying about what to pack.

"I don't know what to wear," he said as Kyungsoo watched him stare into his closet. "What do I need?"

"Pick something nice for our ancestral visit, but other than that just pick whatever you're comfortable with. You don't need hanbok or anything. We don't do that."

Jongin started to bounce nervously. "Help me!"

Kyungsoo approached and inspected Jongin's closet, running his hand along the clothes hanging inside. His hand stopped suddenly. "I like pink on you." He pulled out a pink dress shirt and held it up to him. "It'd look good with your grey suit. Grab a tie that matches and you're all set." He got a garment bag and headed into the bedroom to put the suit in.

Jongin just looked at Kyungsoo blankly. "Ah, I feel so useless right now. I can't even think straight. Thanks."

"You're not useless. I've definitely got uses for you." He ran his hands up Jongin's chest.

Jongin gulped at the flirty look Kyungsoo gave him. "Uh, please don't do that at your parents' house."

Just then Chanyeol burst through the door, closely followed by Baekhyun. "You kids ready for your first shared holiday?"

"Sure, why not?" Kyungsoo said. "You taking anyone to meet the family?"

"Hell no!" His head shook back and forth furiously.

"Don't want things to be that serious, huh?" Jongin asked, laughing.

"He's just a free spirit," Baekhyun said, patting Chanyeol's back.

"I wonder how free?" Jongin said, giving Baekhyun a knowing smile. When Baekhyun's eyebrows came together into the look of doom, he steered away from that subject.

"Are you spending all three days with the family, or are you taking a day to do your own stuff?" Baekhyun asked Chanyeol.

"Just one day with the family," he replied. "I want some me time too."

"I'm sticking with the family," Baekhyun answered, "that way I get three days of food." He puffed his belly out and rubbed it.

~~~~

The morning of the 14th, Jongin woke early, ate a little rice, and showered before Kyungsoo got up. After shaving, he put on his carefully chosen clothes - black slacks and a smoky-blue dress shirt. Even though Kyungsoo had told him to dress casually, and he had already met his immediate family, he still felt he should make a good 'first' impression as the boyfriend. He was all ready and piddling around the bedroom when Kyungsoo finally got out of bed.

"Not anxious at all, are you?" he asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Jongin laughed nervously. "I'm gonna die."

"You're not going to die, babe." He patted his butt affectionately. "Unless I decide to kill you." He flashed an evil smile.

"Now, don't go being all creepy on a day like today." He pouted at Kyungsoo while fiddling with his shirt.

"Oh, there are days for that?"

"Pssht." He dismissed Kyungsoo's teasing with a wave of his hand.

~~~~

With Kyungsoo's car all packed, they hit the road. Since his family lived in Seoul, it wasn't too far of a drive, but it felt like forever to Jongin. He looked out the window and played a variety of scenarios in his head. What would they say to him when they arrived? What should he say? Should he hug them? Shake their hands? He bounced his feet nervously on the floormat.

The feel of Kyungsoo's hand on his thigh pulled him out of his own head. "You're going to wear a hole in the floor of my car, babe."

"Ah, sorry." He felt his face flush.

"Calm down, it's not like you're meeting them for the first time."

"Yeah, but it's the first time I'll be around them when they know I'm doing things with their son." He shuddered.

"Well, let's hope they avoid thinking about that, okay?" Kyungsoo gave him a look. "Besides, we're adults. We can do things."

Jongin nodded, then got quiet again and watched the miles go by. When they pulled into the underground parking for his parents' apartment building, he sat slunk down and became very aware of who might be around. It wouldn't be the end of the world if someone saw them, since they were known to be close, but they certainly didn't need any extra speculation on their relationship.

As they rode the elevator, then walked down the hall to the front door, Jongin felt his legs and hands shaking. And he needed to pee. Damn, he thought, what am I supposed to do? Ask to use the bathroom as soon as I get inside? He told himself to hold it and try not to think about it.

He clung to Kyungsoo's left arm as he watched him punch in the security code. As they entered, Kyungsoo called out, "Mom, Dad, we're here!"

We. He loved hearing that, but was still petrified. As his mother trotted into the entryway, he stepped slightly behind Kyungsoo, and bowed deeply.

"Ah, my baby boy, I'm so glad to see you!" she said as she happily hugged her son. Then she shifted her gaze to him. "Jongin! Thank you for coming!"

He stood stiffly, smiling at her. "No, thank you for inviting me." He tried to give her his best smile and bowed again. As she approached closer, he almost took a step back but stood firm. When she threw her arms around him, he hesitated to hug back for a second, but then relaxed into the hug. It felt warm, and motherly. It made him feel good. And wanted. He loved Kyungsoo's mother in that moment.

As she led them into the family room, she asked, "How are you doing, Jongin? Are you feeling all back to normal now, after your fall?"

"Yeah, but I think my brain is scrambled," he said, then couldn't believe he was joking with her.

"Oh dear," she commented, laughing lightly. "I think some good food might help with that."

As they entered the family room, Kyungsoo's dad and older brother, who were sitting on the couch, stood up. Jongin bowed to them. "Hello, thank you for having me."

They greeted him warmly, shaking his hand, then asked him to sit. Kyungsoo's mom left for the kitchen and Jongin felt under the microscope as the men stared at him. They tried to make small talk, but Jongin couldn't bring himself to say much. He was glad Kyungsoo's brother was a talker, so that he didn't feel so much pressure.

"How are you feeling, Jongin?" the brother asked. "Are you feeling any lasting effects of your injury?"

"Ah, no, not really. I'm feeling pretty normal."

"Definitley not normal," Kyungsoo said, smiling.

Jongin felt his face go hot and hoped it wasn't red.

"Ah, normal is boring," Kyungsoo's brother said. "That's why we love Kyungsoo so much." He threw his arm around Kyungsoo and jostled him around, then looked at Jongin. "You'll fit right into this family."

Jongin let out a small nervous laugh. "That's good to know," he said quietly, but inside he was exploding. Fit into the family? Did he really just say that to me? He was so happy he could just about hug Kyungsoo's brother, but instead he just wiggled his toes with excitement.

In the midst of their continued conversation, he heard a small child's voice call out "Kunsoo." He turned toward the voice to see a little girl, about three, coming into the room, followed by Kyungsoo's sister-in-law. He smiled as the little girl ran to Kyungsoo for a hug. Although his boyfriend was pretty good with kids, he knew he wasn't much of a kid person. Watching him with his little niece, though, made him think about their possible future as a couple, and wondered if it would ever involve children.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo said, standing, "this is my sister-in-law."

Jongin stood up and greeted her. She smiled and said hello, seeming to be quite comfortable with him being there. It filled him with warmth and happiness to be so accepted by what was feeling like his new family. Suddenly, he remembered he had to pee.


	33. No Apology Necessary

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo couldn't keep himself from smiling as he watched Jongin interact with his family. To see them all click together made him feel even more certain that he made the right choice. His relationship with Jongin was not a mistake, was not just lust or a product of proximity. It was really starting to seem like they were meant to be. Bringing him out of his thoughts was a tap on his arm.

"Where's the bathroom?" Jongin whispered in his ear.

"I'll show you." He led him down the hallway and turned on the bathroom light. "Do you want me to wait outside the door, or can you find your way back without freaking out?"

"I'm fine," he said with feigned annoyance.

Kyungsoo took the opportunity to seek out his mom, who was in the kitchen. He approached her quickly from behind and planted a kiss on her cheek.

She jumped with an "oh!" and turned to smile at him.

"Thank you," he said quietly, looking her in the eye.

"What?"

"You know, thank you for this." He hugged her tightly.

"Oh, stop now. You're going to make me cry." She pat him fiercely on the back. "And there's nothing to thank me for. I'm not doing anything special. I'm just a mother who loves her son."

He broke free and looked at her again. "Not as common as you'd think."

"I know." She grasped his arm gently. "I understand." She turned back to the sink to rinse some dishes. "You know, my son has great taste." She turned to give him a quick wink. "Really great taste."

"Oh my God, you're so embarrassing." He couldn't help but smile. "But I know." He stopped her arm as she reached for another dish. "Leave it. Let me and Jongin do it later." She gave him a surprised look. "You shouldn't be stuck in here while we all relax, right? Moms need to relax too." He gently pushed her out of the kitchen.

As they entered the living room, he saw Jongin playing with his niece and it warmed his heart. The feeling grew later as they ate dinner together. It was all so comfortable, at least on the outside. He knew his family, and even Jongin, might feel a little weird, but he didn't think anyone was pretending. To him, this was true acceptance on everyone's part.

After dinner, Kyungsoo led Jongin to the kitchen so they could take care of the dishes. He washed as Jongin rinsed. When he heard his phone go off, he dried his hands to check it. It was Baekhyun. "Everything okay?" it said, along with a curious face. He quickly replied "yes," and after a moment's hesitation added a smiley face. Baekhyun replied that, at the last minute, Tao had decided to go to Sehun's instead of staying at the dorm by himself. He was glad. Those two seemed to be sticking it out and, even though he thought they were a bit immature, he was pulling for them.

He put his phone back in his pocket and then they both looked around as Kyungsoo's mom entered the kitchen.

"Your room is all made up and ready for you. Should I...," she began, fidgeting, "add another set for the floor or...?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Kyungsoo saw Jongin put his head down and turn back around to furiously rinse a dish that had already been rinsed.

"Uh, if that's what you want." Kyungsoo didn't know how to navigate this subject with his mom.

"I'll just put it there and leave it up to you." She smiled with understanding and then left the room.

It was the first time during the visit that there had been any awkwardness. He tried to let it roll off his shoulders.

"Kyungsoo?" Jongin called softly.

"Hmm?" He placed a hand on the small of Jongin's back.

"Is there a hole nearby that I can crawl into?"

Kyungsoo laughed. "You don't need a hole." He paused, blinking. "Okay, scratch that. You don't need to hide."

Jongin slapped him playfully on the arm and went back to rinsing.

~~~~

After they were done, they spent a little more time visiting in the family room. Jongin, never one to fight sleep, eventually nodded off. When Kyungsoo felt a head on his shoulder, he had a moment of panic and looked quickly around the room to check everyone's reaction. He was relieved not to see any disapproving stares. Still, he thought it was time for bed.

"I think I should get him to bed," he said while lifting Jongin's head from his shoulder, and cursing himself for wording it that way.

"Jongin, get up," he whispered in his ear. He let him blink a few times before pulling him off the couch by the arm.

They said their goodnights and entered the bedroom. Kyungsoo stared at the bedding meant for the floor. "What should we do?"

"It's your parents' house, so I should sleep on the floor."

"No, no, no. You are not sleeping on the floor. You're the guest, I'll sleep on the floor." He picked up the bedding and dropped it on the floor next to the bed.

A small whine escaped Jongin's pouty lips. "I don't want you to sleep down there."

"Okay." Kyungsoo shrugged his shoulders. "I'll sleep up here with you." He laughed when he saw Jongin's eyes go wide. "Don't worry, I'll lock the door."

"But...but, what are they going to think?"

"Don't worry." He lightly touched Jongin's back. "Come on, let's go wash up."

 

JONGIN

After washing up, Jongin settled in bed with Kyungsoo. His stomach felt a little fluttery at the thought of sleeping in this bed, in this house. He breathed deeply to calm himself, which he would need to do if he was going to sleep at all. He heard the blankets rustle, and his plan to calm down went to hell when Kyungsoo placed a soft kiss on the right side of his neck.

"Hey, now, don't start anything."

"I'm not starting anything," Kyungsoo claimed, and Jongin could hear in his voice that he was smiling.

"That's what you think." Jongin laughed and was pleased when Kyungsoo laughed along with him.

They lie there in silence for a few minutes as Jongin's mind swirled with unspoken words. "Um, Kyungsoo?" he said softly, waiting to see if he would respond, or if he was asleep.

"Yeah?"

"Are we okay?" He could hear the worry in his own voice. Sometimes he couldn't help but have doubts, because they had been so up and down. He was worried about when the next 'down' would be.

"Sure we are. I think so anyway." He felt for Jongin's hand and grasped it. "I think if you're okay, then that's what matters to me."

"I think I'm going to be okay. I'm starting to feel it. It's been a while since I felt this way. I can feel my mind and body relaxing and letting go, you know?" He had made great strides since his mother's confrontation, and had pretty much returned to his former self, but anxiety still plagued his mind at times.

"That's a relief. I can only imagine how stressed out you were." He stroked Jongin's brow. "I can see how much better things have gotten, but if you still have trouble, be sure to let me know."

"Kyungsoo, I'm sorry. Really. For what I put you through." He rubbed Kyungsoo's hand with his thumb. He didn't think he'd ever stop feeling sorry.

"It's understandable." He pressed a finger to Jongin's lips. " No apology necessary."

"Yes it is. We need to be able to say sorry for what we put each other through, even if there's a good reason for it. And I hate that my crisis messed us up. I let that happen. It's my fault." He felt himself getting emotional and bit his lip to keep himself from crying. He was glad it was dark in the room, so Kyungsoo couldn't see his face. "I'm not going to pretend that I don't still have stuff to resolve. It'll take a while to undo all that my self-hate has done to me. You'll help, right?"

"Of course. Whatever you need." His voice was low and husky, and Jongin thought that Kyungsoo might be getting a little emotional too.

"Okay. The first thing you can do is cuddle me until I fall asleep."

"Absolutely."

 

BAEKHYUN

Baekhyun lie on the bed in his parents' house and played with his phone. He loved being home for Chuseok but, if he was honest with himself, he was bored and antsy. Always having the members around to talk, play and gossip with suited his outgoing personality, and being here now without them for a second day, he felt a little lost. He thought about what the others were doing, if there was any drama at home for any of them. His house was pretty mellow, especially since they never knew about his failed relationship, and he didn't even have anyone new to talk about.

He hoped the other couples were doing okay. He knew from texting Kyungsoo the day before that things were okay so far at his house. He kind of wished he had prodded him a little more. He pulled up Chanyeol's number and started typing.

"Hey, babe, what's shakin'?" he wrote, added a winking emoji and smiled at his own silliness. His feet started to wiggle as he waited for a reply, which didn't take long.

"Babe?"

"Haha, no?"

"Yeah, sure. I can be babe." Then Chanyeol added, "Are you drunk?"

"No, but I'd like to be."

"Not going well?"

"It's fine. Just a little bored. And miss you guys."

"Not sick of us?"

"No. Maybe Junmyeon a little." He added a laughing face.

"Hahahahaha! Good one, Baek."

"Not sick of you."

"Good."

"Where are you? Your studio? With your girlfriend?"

"Yes. And no, she's not here yet. Later. Want to come over? I can ask her to bring a friend for you to meet."

"What?! I don't think so..."

"Okay, be bored then."

"I will. Have fun." Another winky face.

"You know it." Wink back.

Baekhyun sighed and scrolled through his contacts until he got to Sehun and placed the call.

"What do you want?" Sehun answered playfully.

"What are you doing?"

"Spending time with my family, obviously. What are you doing?"

"Nothing, I'm bored. Is Tao there with you?"

"Yes, right here. Say hi to Baekhyun, Tao."

He heard him in the background. "Hi Baekhyun, why are you bothering us?"

"Hi, Tao," he said loudly, so Tao could actually hear him. He heard Tao giggle and it made him smile. Silly kid, he thought.

"Did you...tell them? Do they know?" He assumed Sehun would know he was talking about his parents, and if they knew about his relationship with Tao.

"No, we didn't tell them, but Tao doesn't know how to be subtle."

"What?!" Tao asked in the background, pretending to be offended.

"So everything's alright?"

"Yes, it's going well."

"Good. Good. Enjoy!"

"Thanks. Are you okay?"

"Of course," Baekhyun said, but it felt like a lie. "Say hi to your mom."

"Okay. See you at the dorm."

Baekhyun plopped his phone down on the bed and felt more empty than before. He wanted to be with them, to feel their friendship. Or to be with someone that loved him, that he loved. And not in the family way. But there was no one. He got up, dug in his bag until he found a bottle with his name on it. A prescription the doctor gave him to calm his nerves. He shook out two, stared at them in his hand for a moment, and then swallowed them with the bottle of water he had by his bed. He hoped it would quiet his mind.

A short time later, when the pills had started to work, he picked up his phone again and scrolled through his contacts. This time he stopped at Kyungsoo's. "I love you," he typed, then sent it.


	34. Saying I Love You

KYUNGSOO

After returning from the family trip to the ancestors' plots, and eating a big dinner, Kyungsoo took Jongin straight to the bedroom. It had been an exhausting day, and they needed the quiet alone time. He stared as Jongin removed his jacket and tie, leaving on his grey pants and pink button-up shirt. Pink was his favorite color on Jongin, and seeing him dressed like that was stirring up all kinds of feelings.

"Don't take that off yet," he said abruptly.

Jongin looked at him with a furrowed brow. "You going to take it off for me?"

"Maybe." He got up and crossed to where Jongin was standing. "But for now I just want to look at you. So beautiful." He ran his hands down Jongin's arms and then tugged at the cuffs. "How did I get so lucky?"

"What..."

"To have you love me. I'm so lucky." His hands made their way around Jongin's waist until his arms were wrapped around him. He pressed his forehead up against Jongin's chest. "I don't ever want to be without you."

"Okay," Jongin began, "who are you and what have you done with Kyungsoo?"

Kyungsoo pulled away and smiled. "I ate him."

"Was he good?" Jongin laughed at the absurdity.

"Yes. You should know." He poked Jongin's stomach and backed away.

"No, really," Jongin pressed, "why are you being so sentimental all of a sudden?"

Starting to feel shy and in the emotional spotlight, he could feel his face turning pink. He looked around the room. "Because I thought I was going to lose you for a while there, and now here you are, in my parents' house as my boyfriend. It feels so surreal, but I know it's real and I'm overwhelmed." He rubbed his hands over his eyes, then looked directly at Jongin. "And now that I have you back, I want to do things right."

"What do you mean?" Jongin started to unbutton his shirt. "Oh, can I take this off now?"

"Sure," Kyungsoo said with a wave of his hand as he walked back over to him. "What I mean is, we nearly imploded, and I had a lot of time to think while I was missing you. Let me..." He took over the unbuttoning. "And I realized I wasn't always good to you. I get angry easily, and I lash out, and I'm not always that open, emotionally." He pulled the pink shirt off slowly. "I'm going to try to be a better person to you."

"I love you just the way you are, you know," Jongin said, gently sweeping a wisp of Kyungsoo's hair from his forehead, then leaned in for a kiss.

Kyungsoo melted into it. Oh god, oh god, he thought, my parents' house. Is this really going to happen here? But he was incapable of stopping Jongin at this point. It had been a while since he had really tasted him and he wasn't going to give this up. He hooked his hands around Jongin's waist and pulled him toward the door until he was close enough to lock it, then pushed him back toward the bed.

"Kyungsoo," Jongin murmured against his lips, hesitant.

Kyungsoo felt a moment of panic. Did he not want to do this? Was he still hung up on the sexual stuff?

"Your family," Jongin said as he moved his mouth to Kyungsoo's ear.

He let out a breath in relief. My parents were all he was worried about? "Don't worry," he said, reaching out for Jongin's belt. "We just have to be quiet."

"We're good at that," Jongin said as he looked down to watch Kyungsoo undo his belt and pants. "Lots of practice." He stepped out of his pants, flung them across the room with his foot and pulled on Kyungsoo's waistband. "Now you."

He undid Kyungsoo's shirt, pulled it off and looked him up and down. "You've gotten a little harder since we last did this."

"Excuse me?" Kyungsoo laughed.

"Your chest." He ran his hands over it. "I mean, I knew you were working on it, but I guess I'm just now realizing how much you've changed."

"Do you like it?" Kyungsoo asked, looking down at his own body.

"Of course I do, you look amazing." He swiped his thumbs over Kyungsoo's firm chest. "But I love your cute tummy. Really, I love you any way you want to be. Muscles or no." It was his turn to undo a belt. "It wasn't your muscles I was thinking about when you would get me off."

"It wasn't? What were you thinking about?" Kyungsoo's voice had become low and husky, and his dick hard.

"Just you," Jongin said softly, taking his dick in his hand. "And this."

"Good thing that hasn't changed." He moaned a little as Jongin began to stroke it.

"Sshhh," Jongin said against his ear, and Kyungsoo nodded.

"I want to be inside you again," Kyungsoo whispered. "It's been so long."

"Take me how you want me." He was completely absorbed in the moment.

Not one to hesitate, he pushed Jongin over to the other side of the room, threw the extra blankets on the floor, then added his night shirt to try to protect the blankets a little. He knew they couldn't use the bed because it might be too noisy. Besides, it had been a while since he had taken Jongin from behind and this is how he wanted it tonight.

"On your knees." He watched him get down on his hands and knees and marveled at what a beautiful sight it was.

His dick was still fairly hard from Jongin's strokes, but he gave himself a few more to get himself really ready. He hadn't imagined that they would be doing this at his parents' house, so he hadn't brought any lube. Instead, he spit into his fingers, then used them on Jongin.

"Oh my god," Jongin whispered, then drew in a sharp breath.

He made short work of it. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," he answered with a pinched voice.

He lubed himself the same way he had with Jongin, then moved directly behind him. He started to enter him gently since they didn't have proper lube, but once inside he was lost. He began slowly, listening to Jongin's soft noises. He wanted to warn him to be quiet, but it was Jongin's pleasure sounds, when they were alone, that really drove him over the edge, and hearing them now was ectasy. He didn't want to stop him. He just had to hope that it wasn't too loud. As the warmth and tightness took hold of him, he began to go harder and faster. He could see that Jongin was trying to pleasure himself, but he was going so hard that he having a hard time holding himself up with one hand. He forced himself to soften up and slow down.

"No," Jongin said, breathing hard, "don't let up."

He knew how to follow directions, so he sped up, ramming Jongin hard.

"Fuck," Jongin whispered.

"Dirty mouth." He could barely get the words out.

"Oh, god, fuck Kyungsoo."

"Yeah, you like that?" His grip on Jongin's waist tightened, and his fingers dug into his beautiful brown skin.

"Ah," Jongin gasped, "I'm gonna...uhhh."

Such a beautiful, soft voice, like a drug. The feeling was so good he started to feel himself go light-headed. He knew he was close, but was trying to hang on as long as possible. Once his vision started to go black he knew it was over, and he couldn't hold on.

A little "ah" sound came out of him as he came, then he leaned over Jongin's back, leaving himself inside as he caught his breath. He could hear that Jongin was catching his breath as well, and pulled out so that he could relax. "You might be the death of me."

"As long as I die with you," Jongin said, reaching for the bottle of water on the nightstand behind him.

"Deal." He reached for the water and Jongin handed it over. He took a few swigs, waited until he caught his breath, and then stood up. "I guess we should wash up. Let's sneak out and take a really quick shower."

"I don't think I can stand up yet."

"I'm that good?" Kyungsoo teased.

"Mmm."

"Come on," he said, holding his hand out to help Jongin up then reached for the shirt on the floor. "Let's pick this up. Looks like it did it's job, which will spare us some explaining." He wadded it up in a ball and shoved it in his bag. They threw on robes and Kyungsoo opened the door a little. "Let me see what's going on."

When he saw the way was clear, he waved for Jongin to follow him. They slipped quietly into the bathroom, washed quickly and snuck right back to the bedroom, removing their robes.

"I think I'm going to sleep good tonight," Jongin said, running his fingers back and forth through his wet hair.

"That's good. You need some good, deep sleep. Without worries." He rubbed his bare back. He pulled back the covers. "Climb in." He climbed in after him, and snuggled up. "I love you Jongin, mind and soul, but I have to say that your body kills me. I thought I was going to lose my mind."

"No, I think it's you who did me in." He turned to smell Kyungsoo's hair.

"Well, let's recover by sleeping."

"You don't have to ask me to sleep. I'm all over it." He snuggled down deeper into the covers.

"Good night." He kissed Jongin right by the ear, and felt the stubble of his sideburns. "Scratchy," he said playfully, then closed his eyes. A minute later they popped back open.

His phone was going off. After a moment's debate he reached for it and looked. It was a text from Baekhyun. What does this fool want? he wondered. He tapped on it and was surprised at what he saw. He quickly typed a reply.

Jongin leaned over to look, bleary eyed. "Who are you saying 'I love you' to?"

He elbowed him playfully. "Don't be jealous. It's Baekhyun."

"I'm not jealous, but why?"

"Because he needs to hear it."

JONGIN

The next morning, Jongin was roused by the sound of Kyungsoo's family bustling about the house, especially the loud giggle of his niece. He lie there quietly with his eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of Kyungsoo's body against his. He didn't really want to get up.

Just as he felt like he might drift back to sleep, he heard the bedroom door open, and a shaft of hallway light poured in. The shock of it made him jump a little, and he pulled the blanket up over his bare chest.

"Oh, sorry," Kyungsoo's mom said, as she started to back out to close the door.

"Mom, what?" Kyungsoo murmured, eyes squinted against the light.

Jongin felt like he'd die of embarrassment, so he avoided looking at her.

"Oh," she said hesitantly, "it was getting late, and breakfast is waiting. I wanted you two to have time to eat before you have to get back." She paused. "I didn't mean to intrude."

"You're fine," Kyungsoo said, sounding a little more awake. "We'll get up."

"Okay." She closed the door gently.

"Aaaah, we didn't lock the door after our shower last night," Jongin whined and buried his face in the blanket. "I'm going to die!"

"Calm down, Jongin. It's not the end of the world." He pulled the blanket from Jongin's face. "It's not like she walked in while I had you bent over."

Jongin's eyes went wide. "But your mom just walked in to see you in bed with a guy. Me! And neither of us has clothes on!"

"Come on now, our bits weren't hanging out. Besides, I'm sure she knows we sleep together."

"But she doesn't have to see it!" The thought of going out there and eating breakfast with the family now made him nervous. His heart was beating fast, and he felt shaky.

"Now, Jongin," Kyungsoo said, sounding like a parent schooling a small child, "my mom and dad know all about sex. That's how they had me." He patted Jongin's thigh.

"Shut up, you asshole." He shoved Kyungsoo's shoulder. "What if you had fucked me at my parents' house and they found out, then you had to sit across from them at breakfast?"

Kyungsoo laughed. "I'd think 'that's right, Mr. and Mrs. Kim, I took your son last night and it was good. You might want to wash the bedding.'"

Jongin punched his arm this time. "Asshole."

"I'm just kidding." He continued to laugh. "I'd be mortified. But they only know we slept in the same bed, not what we were doing. Besides, my parents are cool. Don't worry, okay?"

"Let's make it a quick breakfast, okay?" Jongin gave him his best pouty face.

"Sure thing, sweetheart." He squished Jongin's pouty lips together, then leaned forward to kiss them. "Let's get up."

~~~

Jongin fidgeted in his seat all through breakfast, and didn't eat much. His eyes flitted from his plate, to Kyungsoo's mom, then his dad, then back down to his plate. He found himself wanting to apologize, to say "I'm sorry I disrespected you in your house!" but he kept quiet.

Once they made enough of an appearance at breakfast, they gathered up their stuff and said their goodbyes. Jongin got a warm hug from the woman he was starting to think of as his mother-in-law, and a handshake from the father and brother.

In the car he finally relaxed a little. Taking a quick look around, he grabbed Kyungsoo's hand for a moment and said "Thank you."

~~~

When they lumbered through their front door, bags banging around, Kyungsoo found the apartment empty except for Baekhyun, whom they could hear singing from the other room.

"Shut up!" he yelled.

"Huh?" Baekhyun asked as he came into the room, a big smile on his face. "You want me to sing you a song?"

"I definitely do not." Jongin plopped himself down on the couch as Kyungsoo took their bags to the bedroom. "I'm tired."

"But it's morning." He looked at the non-existent watch on his wrist. "Rise and shine, darlin'."

"I've already risen, but I'm not ready to shine yet." He rubbed his eyes.

"Rough night?" Baekhyun waggled his eyebrows.

"You could say that." He wasn't giving that turd any more information. He looked up when Kyungsoo came back into the room, and was happy there would be someone else to deal with the chatterbox. But then he was stunned when Baekhyun walked right up to his boyfriend and gave him a big bear hug.

"Hey...," he said, without much force. His brow furrowed when he saw Baekhyun whisper in his ear. "What are you...," he started. His eyes followed Baekhyun as he turned and walked out. "...doing?"

Kyungsoo walked over to him and pulled him close. "He was thanking me. For telling him I love him."

Jongin's forehead crinkled in confusion. "Okay..."

"Remember the text last night?"

"Ah! Yes."

"And it's true. I do love that punk." He smiled with embarrassment and grabbed Jongin's hand. "Don't tell anyone."

BAEKHYUN

He didn't really want to bother them at the moment, so after giving that little pip-squeak a hug, Baekhyun grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen and returned to his bedroom. He fiddled aimlessly with his stuff and played with his phone. He kind of just felt like he was waiting for Chanyeol to get home. He wasn't home a lot these days, now that he had his own studio. The place was essentially a small apartment, so he often just stayed to sleep or spend alone time with his girlfriend. It made Baekhyun kind of lonely.

Just as he was thinking he might take a nap, Kyungsoo strolled in followed by Jongin.

"Hey, what's up?" He couldn't think why they would come to his room.

"Just visiting," Kyungsoo replied, sitting on Sehun's bed.

Baekhyun was startled when Jongin plopped down and let out an "Ah!"

"What?" Kyungsoo asked, his hand on Jongin's shoulder.

"My butt hurts." Jongin's trademark pout was back.

"Oh my God!" Baekhyun yelled. "I don't need to know that!" He covered his ears dramatically. "Kyungsoo, what did you do to him?!"

"No, stupid," Jongin said, clearly annoyed, "stop thinking dirty. My tailbone still hurts from a fall I had last week. It's better now, but sometimes it hurts if I sit down too hard. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"I don't know...," Baekhyun said, clearly not convinced.

Kyungsoo laughed. "No comment."

"When will the day come when I can live alone?" Jongin asked. When Kyungsoo slapped his arm, he added, "I mean, with alone with you."

"You don't love me?" Baekhyun asked, pretending to be hurt. "Your boyfriend does." He stuck his tongue out.

"Chanyeol loves you," Jongin teased.

Baekhyun felt a moment of panic and gave Jongin a death glare.

Jongin laughed and got up. "I'm going to go make a call. Don't bother me for a while."

When he was gone, Kyungsoo fixed Baekhyun with a stare. "What was that Chanyeol comment about?"

"Oh, nothing. We had a talk about Chanyeol a while back, and now he's trying to bug me." He picked up his phone and tossed it from one hand to the other. "It's stupid."

Kyungsoo shrugged his shoulders. "Okay. If you don't really want to say, that's fine."

Baekhyun didn't want to talk about that conversation, so he moved on to another issue. "He invited me to his studio yesterday. His girlfriend was going to be there, and he was going to ask her to bring a friend for me."

"And?"

"I said no." He gave Kyungsoo an unsure smile. "It would have been weird."

"You didn't want him to hook you up?" Kyungsoo leaned forward, with his elbows on his knees.

He raised his eyebrows and chewed his bottom lip as he contemplated it. "I don't know. I'm not against a hook up, I guess. But not with his girlfriend's friend. And not in that small studio with Chanyeol there. I knew he'd want to be alone with her anyway."

"Are you jealous?"

"What?! Why would I be jealous?" He hated the way Kyungsoo was always so calm and to the point. He never held back what he was thinking, and it caught him off guard sometimes.

"I don't know. You tell me." He fixed Baekhyun with a stare.

"I'm not jealous. I don't even think he loves that girl. I just think he sees her cause she's pretty and a good time." He looked Kyungsoo in the eye. "I don't need that kind of girl. But I'm okay if he does."

He watched Kyungsoo get up and cross over to his bed and sit down next to him. His heart jumped in surprise as he grabbed his hand softly.

"Being with my family over the holiday, and seeing them accept Jongin made me so happy. And it reminded me of how you've always accepted and supported us. Even if it's annoying sometimes, I love you for it. And it's not often I feel like talking like this, so I'm doing it now while I'm in the mood." He leaned to lightly touch the side of his head to Baekhyun's. "You're important to the whole team, Baekhyun, but especially to me. You know you can always count on me, right?"

Baekhyun just nodded against the side of Kyungsoo's head. He was afraid to speak since it might make him cry.

Kyungsoo stood up to leave and ruffled Baekhyun's hair. "And don't tell anyone I was this nice to you."

As he reached the door, Baekhyun called out. "Kyungsoo?"

He stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"

"Jongin didn't really fall down last week, did he?" A big smile came over his face. "You're the reason his ass hurts, right?"

"You little fucker!"

Baekhyun began to scream and laugh as Kyungsoo crossed the room and began to punch him in the shoulder. "Help! Don't bruise me, I need to look beautiful on camera!"

"I'm going to permanently disable your dick so you can't breed!" Kyungsoo yelled, his brows scrunched.

"Noooo! I need to have kids so that your kids have playmates!"

Kyungsoo let go. "In what fantasy world am I having kids?"

"I don't know," Baekhyun said, suddenly feeling bad that he brought it up. "It could happen. If you want it, there will be a way."

Kyungsoo shook his head in frustration. "Why are we talking about kids anyway? That's so far off."

"Because you were going to hurt my dick." He used his hand to cover it and gave Kyungsoo his most charming eye-smile.

"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me." He tried to pull Baekhyun's hand away.

"No, Kyungsoo!" Baekhyun yelled at the top of his lungs, trying to make sure Jongin heard him. "Don't touch me there!"

"Oh my god, I'm moving out." Kyungsoo said, heading for the door.

Baekhyun jumped up after him, and grabbed him in a back-hug. "Don't be mad, okay?" He could hear Kyungsoo sigh in resignation. "Our kids really will play together some day. If that's what you want." He let go, and Kyungsoo walked out.

From down the hall, Baekhyun heard, "Of course it was because of me!"

JONGIN

While Kyungsoo visited with Baekhyun, Jongin found a quiet spot and called his mom. He was vibrating with nervousness, and was telling himself over and over that he could do this. His heart flopped when he heard her say hello.

"Uh, hi mom. It's me." Be confident, he thought.

"Jongin!" True surprise in her voice. "I'm so happy to hear from you. To hear your voice. I've missed you, son."

"I miss you too, mom." He took a deep, silent breath. "How are you?"

"I guess I'm okay. I'd be better if we had you here at Chuseok, as part of the family." Did he hear a bit of guilt in her voice? "Much better if we had you back in our family." Now a guilt trip.

He remained cautious and tried not to get drawn into an argument. "I'd like to be a part of the family, too. Well, I guess I still am, partially. Dad and the girls still think of me as family. At least I have that." He heard her draw a breath to respond, but cut her off. "That's not an accusation, mom. I'm not trying to be hard on you. It's just the truth. I know how you feel and there's only so much you can do about that. But you're still my mom, so I wanted to call and see how you are. Especially since I missed the holiday with you. How did everything go?"

There was a pause and he wondered if she was also being careful not to start an argument. "As well as could be expected," she finally said. "Without you it wasn't the same, but we did all the usual traditional things. Had a wonderful meal and visited the ancestors. Played with the grand baby. She's growing so fast."

"Ah, I miss that kid." He felt his heart swell. "I'm going to have to see her soon, before she forgets me."

"I'm sure your sister will see to that. She's good at keeping in touch and reaching out. I'm glad for that." She stopped and he felt slightly panicked at what to say next, but then she asked, "So how was your holiday? Did you spend it at that boy's house?"

"Yes, I did. And that boy's name is Kyungsoo, mom. You know that. You used to like him, so stop playing games. Can't we just have a nice conversation?" He rubbed his feet together nervously.

"Yes, go on," she agreed, but sounded a little resistant.

"Anyway, I spent the whole holiday there. Just got home a bit ago, actually. It was really good. I was apprehensive, but it went a lot better than I expected. I don't want to make it sound like I'm comparing, but his family was really great to me. Welcomed me like a member of the family. I was still a little nervous, but they never did anything to make me feel unwelcome. It was really nice to feel like I was a part of his family." He felt happy just remembering it.

"I'm glad, son, but don't think because you tell me how wonderful it was, that you can expect me to do the same. I'm not going to be pressured into accepting that boy."

"Kyungsoo, mom. And he's my boyfriend, not just some boy." So many things were itching to be said, but he held his tongue.

"Can you not use that word?"

"What?" He was truly clueless.

"Boyfriend." She said it like she was describing something gross.

He took a moment to calm himself, so he wouldn't raise his voice. "Aaahh. No, I'm going to use it, because that's what he is, and I'm not going to lie about it. It's bad enough that I have to lie to the public, and our fans, but I'm not going to lie to you."

"Okay," she said, resigned.

He was suddenly bursting to tell her what she really did to him. "You know, mom, you had my head really messed up for a while. And you almost got what you wanted, because I was so out of my mind it was ruining my relationship with him. It was affecting my whole life. I've talked to my friends, and members, and I'm even seeing a therapist because of what happened. I think all of that helps me see what's real." He paused to see if she would say anything, but she didn't. "And my relationship with him is real. We're young, so who knows if it will last, but for now it's real and I'm not willing to give it up. And even though you're my mom, and you're also very real, I've come to the conclusion that my mom doesn't get to decide who I love, or sleep with." He felt shaky inside, but was glad his voice sounded firm.

"I understand," she said, sounding like she might actually mean it. "You're technically an adult now, and even though I think you have a lot to learn about the world, I know you're a person with a level head and a good heart. And I can only hope that you live your life well. I do love you, even if we don't see eye to eye."

"I love you too, mom." His eyes were starting to tear up, and he begged himself not to cry. Not with her.

"Just remember that, as time goes on. Remember it during the times I can't be the accepting mom you want me to be. Remember I love you."

"I will." He kept his words short, because the tears were running down his face and he needed to catch his breath. "And mom," he forced out, "remember that I love you even though I'm not the son you want me to be."

"Of course," she said softly. "And don't despair, son. One day things may be different. Maybe I will change, maybe you will. Maybe the world will. Let's hope for that, okay?"

"Yes." It's all he could say.

"And for what it's worth, I'm glad that boy, Kyungsoo, treats you well. And I'm glad his family includes you. Because I want you to be loved."

"It's worth a lot, mom. A lot."

He hung up, feeling the first real ray of hope since his mom first found him in bed with Kyungsoo. He leaned back against the couch and considered taking a nap until he heard Kyungsoo saying something from the hallway. He couldn't understand what he said and just assumed he was giving Baekhyun shit.

Kyungsoo entered the room slightly red-faced. "Let's unpack."

"Can't I take a nap first?" He gave him what he hoped was killer puppy eyes.

As Kyungsoo gave him his best just-do-what-I-say face, Tao and Sehun bounded noisily through the door.

"We're back, bitches!" Tao called out proudly in English his arms spread wide.

"Tao?" Kyungsoo asked. "Who teaches you shit like that?"

"I don't need anyone to teach me. I'm just cool like that." He did a dramatic sweep of his hair and laughed.

Jongin shook his head. He didn't understand the likes of Tao no matter how hard he tried. The boy was just too flashy for him.

"My babies!" Baekhyun yelled as he ran into the room with his arms out.

As he tried to envelope them both in a hug, Tao let out a strangled cry. "Help! Baekhyun germs!"

Sehun laughed. "What are you complaining about? I have to share a room with him."

"You love it," Baekhyun said, patting Sehun's butt.

"Yeah, well, it's not bad."

"Sehun," Kyungsoo said, "why don't you move to the other dorm with Tao?"

Oh god, Jongin thought, what is he starting?

Sehun's eyebrows went up and his hand went to his hip. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No, it just seems like since you guys are dating you might like to room together. It'll make things easier, no?" He shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't really care either way.

Jongin was sleepy, but listened with interest as his eyes went back and forth between them.

"I don't know about you, but it'll make things easier for me," Baekhyun said. "A room all to myself." He closed his eyes as if he were imaging how great it would be.

Jongin forced himself to sit up. "No, no, no!" he said. "There's not going to be three in our room and one in yours. We're all going to have to shift stuff around if Sehun moves. In the M dorm too." He looked at Baekhyun. "If Sehun moves, I'm sending Chanyeol to live with you."

"Ooh, but he can be a little messy." Baekhyun shook his head. "I don't know if that will work."

"He's gone most of the time anyway, so it's almost like having your own room." Jongin offered.

"True." Baekhyun tapped his finger against his lips as he considered it.

Just then, Chanyeol came in the door looking haggard.

"Speak of the devil!" Sehun said.

"My baby!" Baekhyun said, his arms out.

"Baby, huh?" he asked as he walked into Baekhyun's arms and gave him a quick big bear hug. He looked around the room. "What? Why is everyone staring at me?"

"Wild night?" Baekhyun asked, grasping Chanyeol by the arm.

"You could say that." He flashed a smile full of teeth. "But a good wild."

"Okay, well, you're going to move in with me." Baekhyun patted him on the back.

Chanyeol looked around at each of them, confused.

"Apparently we kicked you out." Kyungsoo said flatly.


	35. Between the Couch Cushions

KYUNGSOO

After the Chuseok holiday, Kyungsoo was happy to see the members starting to settle into the lives they wanted. One of the first things they did was to re-arrange their room assignments. Just as they had discussed, Sehun moved dorms to room with Tao and Chanyeol officially moved in with Baekhyun, although he pretty much lived in his little studio apartment.

As for his bedroom with Jongin, they slowly re-decorated. Instead of one twin bed and a set of bunk-beds, there was now one large bed flanked by two nightstands, along with a desk and chest of drawers. According to his wishes, the room was decorated in black and grey, with burgundy accents. Overall though, the room was clean and modern, without a lot of clutter. While looking at their new room, he took a moment to absorb all that had happed recently; how much their relationship had grown, how much he had grown.

Kyungsoo quietly watched over his members' lives, taking stock of what was going well, and what wasn't. Baekhyun blossomed into a genuinely happy person, although he remained so scarred from his previous relationship that he continued to avoid dating. Chanyeol continued to play the field with girls and was very good at keeping it out of he public eye. Minseok and Jongdae became two peas in a pod who minded their own business. All of the Chinese members were bonded and supportive of each other, but because Luhan and Yixing were both soft spoken and thoughtful, they were especially compatible and spent a lot of time together. Kyungsoo was glad they had each other to lean on, because he knew it must be hard to live and work so far from family and home. Much to his surprise, Tao and Sehun became a solid couple that the members seem to accept and, even though they could still be wild and immature, he saw they were really becoming adults. He was concerned about Junmyeon a lot of the time, since he worked so hard to keep the team together and happy, and never really took much time to seek his own happiness. He could see that Jongin was becoming a good listener for their leader, someone Junmyeon could lean on, and it made him proud of his boyfriend.

As for he and Jongin, they were starting to feel like one entity. Whereas before things could be rocky, and they often went from being close to being distant, now they felt fixed and settled. Even all of the members and staff looked at them that way. It made Kyungsoo happier than he could have imagined to have Jongin in his life this way, without worrying about what the next day was going to do to their relationship.

Of course, he found it difficult to navigate their growing relationship while working hard to maintain his acting career. Long, exhausting hours often left him too tired to do much, so a lot of their quality time involved napping together. Jongin, who was especially fond of sleep, would often tell him that all he needed was to dream next to him and hear him breathe. This was good enough for a homebody like Kyungsoo.

~~~

Time went on and they prepared for one comeback after another. Kyungsoo grew older, and more tired, as did the others. It became hard to keep up with all the dancing and traveling. He wasn't surprised when it eventually it got to Luhan, and the group lost one more member. When the time came, they started to enlist for their military duty one by one. Kyungsoo decided to go at the same time as his boyfriend - Jongin as a military policeman and Kyungsoo as a active duty soldier. They often joked with each other about how good the other looked in a uniform. It was hard to be apart for so long, but they took advantage of their time off.

As each member came out of their military service they set up their own living arrangements, so gone were the days of dorm life. Kyungsoo was truly happy about this, and he and Jongin moved in together. Of course, this fueled the already rampant rumors of their relationship among fans, but they chose to ignore them and refused to answer any questions about it. Publicly, Tao moved back to China on his own, but he and Sehun continued to travel back and forth to spend time at each other's places. Junmyeon never did start dating, but he did move in with a friend to keep from being too lonely. Yixing went home to China, but kept in touch with the members often. Jongdae and Minseok moved into their own apartments as well, but continued to be good friends who spent a lot of time together. Baekhyun got his own apartment and frequently had get-togethers with members and other friends.

Once they all completed their military service, they worked hard on what they felt might be their last album. It was received with a lot of enthusiasm from fans and interest by the media. They brushed up on their dancing skills to put on their best performance, but the choreography was much more simple than in previous years. Kyungsoo was genuinely happy that fans had stuck with them, as were the rest of the group. They gave lots of interviews about how it felt to all be together again, and they answered with lots of good things to say, but behind closed doors they were discussing moving on with their own plans.

They promoted as a group for a short time after their album, then announced that even though they weren't officially breaking up, they would no longer be promoting or recording regularly as a group. Kyungsoo felt uncomfortable making statements about their end, so he let the talkative ones explain to the press, and fans, that it had become too difficult to keep up with hectic schedules when they all had their own things to deal with. So time moved on, and so did their lives.

JONGIN

EXO members, being kings of Korean pop entertainment, were still afforded plenty of opportunities to appear on television individually, if they wanted. Some preferred to live quietly instead, like Jongin. After their last album, he drifted out of the professional music world and started to study business. To earn money, he still took small acting roles and advertising projects. He was happy that Kyungsoo continued to pursue music as a solo artist because he hated the thought of him wasting his beautiful voice. Since he also continued acting, and made quite a bit of money doing so, Jongin felt a bit like a kept man.

"I'll be able to contribute more soon," he would often tell Kyungsoo, "once I get this business stuff going."

"I'm not worried about it," Kyungsoo would reply. "Do what you want to do for yourself but, for me, all you need to do is be mine."

What he wanted to do was to eventually open his own dance school. He imagined he would take on teaching some of the classes himself, but wanted to bring in other instructors so he wouldn't be weighed down by having to be there all the time. He approached Sehun, who told him it would give him something fun to do, especially when Tao was back in China working on his music.

Jongin's pride over his fellow members grew as they all made their own lives, whether it was in business or music. Jongdae and Baekhyun, in particular, were very successful as solo singers, and Chanyeol regularly released his own music. He felt so happy that there was still an EXO presence in the music industry.

Now that they all did their own things, there were some members he rarely saw, although he tried to check in with them by phone or text now and then. There were some, however, who remained close friends that he and Kyungsoo spent a good deal of time with. Sehun and Tao remained their "couple friends" and they would try to regularly get together for double-date dinner parties at home, and through them they stayed close to Junmyeon. Not surprisingly, Junmyeon remained single. It made Jongin happy to know that he hadn't given in to pressure from friends and family to marry if he didn't want to. Sometimes to his frustration, they were still quite close to Baekhyun, mainly because Kyungsoo was incredibly attached to him. Although Jongin found Baekhyun to be nosy and obnoxious, he had to appreciate how much the guy supported him and Kyungsoo, and loved him for it.

There wasn't much more he could ask for in his life, except for one thing. And one night, he decided to do something about it.

Kyungsoo was acting in a movie and got home from the set late. Since it was cold outside, he told him to go take a hot shower, and laid out sweats for him to climb into when he got out. While he was in the shower, Jongin made hot tea and set out the gourmet cookies he bought earlier that day. Then he hid a small box between two couch cushions and waited for Kyungsoo to emerge.

Kyungsoo's hair was still wet when he padded into the living room.

"What are you doing with your hair like that?"

"What?" he asked, clueless.

Jongin stood up and fingered the ends of Kyungsoo's hair. "It's too cold for you to walk around like this." He pointed toward the bathroom. "Go back and dry it, young man."

"Are you my dad or something?" he asked, wrapping him in a hug. "Besides, it's warm in here."

Jongin's finger pointed toward the hall. "Go!" He turned Kyungsoo around by his shoulders and marched him into the bathroom. "If you're going to be stubborn, I'll do it or you."

He took out the hair dryer, put it on low, and began to run the warm air across Kyungsoo's hair. He liked watching it fly around loose. Once it felt dry he led him back to the couch and sat him down. "Hot tea," he said. "Warm your insides."

Jongin watched him drink his tea as he finished his own, and was happy when he actually ate a couple of the cookies. When he felt the moment come, he stood up. "Ah, the tea is going straight through me. I have to pee."

He left the room, but instead of going to the bathroom he went to their bedroom. He pulled out a small package he had hidden and removed the silver box inside. He opened the box and took out the platinum ring with one embedded diamond and slipped it on his left index finger.

When he returned to the living room, Kyungsoo was leaning back on the couch, eyes half-lidded and looking very relaxed. He sat next to him and grabbed his hand with his ringless one. For a while he said nothing, just held his hand, then softly said, "I want this to last forever." Kyungsoo didn't say anything, but squeezed his hand tightly. Once he got his courage up, he let go.

"Ah, I'm feeling itchy," he said, taking a sideways glance to make sure Kyungsoo was not watching him. He wasn't, so he reached carefully between the cushions and brought out a box matching the one he had removed his own ring from. Making a move as if to hold his hand again, he placed the box in Kyungsoo's hand.

At first, he just gave him a quick, confused, sideways look. Jongin's heart was about beating out of his chest as he watched him look down at the box, then back up at him.

"What is this?" he asked, sitting up.

"It's yours, if you want it." Jongin took the box and turned so that he was completely facing him. "You know I love you more than my own life, right?"

Kyungsoo nodded with a bit of fear in his eyes.

"I just thought, if I love you that much, that I should make things official. Well, as official as it can be."

Kyungsoo opened the box to show another platinum ring, this one with a thin line of black diamonds running around the middle of it. His eyes grew wide.

"Kyungsoo, will you marry me?"

He stared at him silently for an excrutiating moment, then said, "You're not on your knees."

Jongin giggled, but then turned serious. "Do you want me on my knees?"

"Yes." A smile grew on his face.

Jongin got on his knees in front of him and took the ring out of the box. "Will you?"

"Do you think I'd want to do something traditional like this?" he asked, his voice giving away nothing.

Oh my God, Jongin thought. He's torturing me! Why won't he just answer? "Well, I just wanted to...," he started, then paused to think of what he should say. "I...," he started again.

Kyungsoo kissed him before he could finish. "Of course I will." He held out his left hand. "Go ahead and do your thing."

"You are such a brat." He slipped the ring onto Kyungsoo's finger and slapped him on the knee. He got up off the floor and sat on the couch. "I'm sorry if that wasn't very romantic."

Kyungsoo kissed him deeply for a long time, then fixed him with a smile. "Stop worrying. You know I don't care about stuff like that." He took Jongin's hand. "I'm actually stunned you asked, though. And happy." He looked down at the ring. "This is a fucking cool ring."

"I got black diamonds for you," Jongin laughed.

"Yes, thank you for that." He laughed, too. "And you got yourself one, I see. No black." He fingered the ring. "It's nice, I like it. But how did you manage to buy two men's rings without giving it away?"

He smiled wide and proud. "My sister helped." He felt his smile start to fade.

"Wow, she's always so good to you. Wait, what's wrong?"

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo's head was spinning in the aftermath of Jongin's proposal, but he was feeling wonderful. Just as he was admiring their rings, Jongin's head dropped into his hands.

"Wait, what's wrong?" he leaned over, close to Jongin's face, his hand on his back.

"I feel like I'm going to die," he said through his hands.

"Why? Don't make me a widow already." His stomach was doing flip-flops.

Jongin sat up and faced Kyungsoo, tears in his eyes. "I just can't believe this is real. I feel like I'm going to explode." He started fanning himself. "And when something good comes to me, I can't help but worry I'll lose it."

"Hey, we're not even married yet, don't talk shit about it ending." He hated when Jongin worried.

"I don't want it to end." He took Kyungsoo's hand. "I don't ever want it to end. Please." He leaned his head on his shoulder.

"Don't worry. You won't be able to get rid of me so easily. I'm going to haunt you til the end of your days." He began to stroke Jongin's thigh with one finger.

"How...reassuring." He shifted closer to Kyungsoo. The finger became a hand under his shirt. "Is this how you're going to haunt me?"

"Yes," he whispered in his ear. He was enjoying the warmth of Jongin's stomach and chest.

"Good." He grabbed Kyungsoo's wandering hand and led it down to the bulge of his sweat-shorts.

Kyungsoo played with Jongin through his shorts until he felt him begin to harden, then pulled the shorts down. The warmth of his dick was more intense than the rest of his skin. He wanted to feel it inside him. He stroked it slowly. "Give it to me," he said into his ear.

"You mean...?"

"Mmm. You just took ownership of me with a ring. No reason to stop now." Kyungsoo's heart was beating fast. He enjoyed being the one to take Jongin, but he always found the thought of Jongin being inside him exciting.

"Right here?" Jongin asked as he breathed out.

"Wherever you want me." He liked to encourage Jongin to do what he wanted. He wanted him to fulfill his desires, to keep all those 'I'm a pervert' inhibitions at bay. "Whatever you want, I'm game."

He was surprised as Jongin stood up, kicked his shorts from his ankles, then pulled him up and led him over to their dining table. "Bend over."

Kyungsoo felt his hand on his back, applying pressure downwards toward the table. Guessing it was what he wanted, he leaned completely over the table, his ass facing Jongin.

"That's right," he said, then Kyungsoo felt his sweat pants being pulled down.

Oh, I'm going to get it, he thought. "Lube, Jongin, lube!"

"Didn't you say I could do what I wanted?" Jongin asked playfully.

"Yes...I did." I'm screwed, he thought. Literally. They certainly weren't beyond going without lube, but it sure made things easier. He breathed a sigh of relief as Jongin laughed and hurried to get some.

Once Jongin was about to enter him, he felt himself tense, then told himself that was the worst thing to do. He gave a little shake of his body to try to relax. A few seconds later he gasped as Jongin began to push into him. Leaning over the dining table was not a position he was used to. He felt Jongin hesitate a little and told him, "keep going."

"You're so beautiful," Jongin said as he pushed in, "even from this angle."

"Good to know," he replied with a tight voice.

"Pull off your sweatshirt so I can see your back."

Keeping one elbow on the table to brace himself, he reached up, grabbed his collar and pulled the sweathshirt off. He placed it so that he could rest his arms on it. This wasn't the easiest position to be in, but he told himself to stay relaxed. It helped when Jongin ran his hands over his lower back.

"Hold on," Jongin said, then began to push in and out, not particularly slow or fast.

"Your dancing skills are showing," he barely managed to get out. It was starting to feel really good. As Jongin moved faster he stopped thinking and began to lose himself to the feeling.

"Tell me I'm the only one who can do this to you," Jongin said as he got rougher.

"Only you," he whispered.

"Who?" he asked loudly.

"You." This time with more force to his voice. "Only you. God." He felt Jongin's fingers dig deeper into his hips as he pumped more furiously. It was glorious, and he let go of all thought until Jongin finished loudly. He felt him lean forward and place his forehead on his back. His breath was hot against his skin. He tried to catch his own breath. "I'm not going to be able to think of this table the same way again."

Jongin let him up from the table. "Yeah, when you're eating your Cheerios, you're going to be thinking of how I rammed you into it." He started laughing, his hands on his knees.

Kyungsoo laughed along with him as he picked up his sweat pants and put them on. "I can't believe that just came out of your mouth." He really couldn't believe it. But it made him happy hearing Jongin let loose with the sexual talk. "You never cease to amaze me."

"Let's not wait too long," Jongin said, wrapping him in a hug.

"What? To do this again?" He waggled his eyebrows seductively.

"No. Well, yes. But no, that's not what I'm talking about." He pulled out of the hug to make eye contact. "Let's get married soon."

"Okay, let's." He leaned his head against Jongin's chest. He felt as if he were in a dream. "Nothing too big or fancy. Just the people who matter."

"Of course. Let's talk more about it tomorrow." He paused. "I'm going to ask my sister to help plan."

"That'll be good." He wondered how Jongin's mom would react to the news, and if he'll want to invite her.

Jongin patted his butt. "Let's wash up and get to sleep."

"Sounds good. You really wore me out." They left the room and headed down the hall. "Oh, and Jongin?"

"Hmmm?"

He gave him his best evil smile. "Our wedding night is mine."

~~~

The next morning it took Kyungsoo a few minutes to come back to the reality that he and Jongin were engaged, and he was going to have to deal with a wedding. As much as the idea of being married to Jongin appealed to him, the whole wedding thing made him nervous. He rolled over, grabbed his phone and texted Baekhyun.

"I need to talk to you." He left it at that and got out of bed, leaving Jongin to sleep. It wasn't until after he had washed up and was eating breakfast that he received a reply.

"Okay, what's up"

"Let's meet. I want to talk in person."

Jongin would be gone that afternoon, so they planned to meet for lunch. Kyungsoo offered to cook for him.

~~~~

That afternoon, when Baekhyun arrived, Kyungsoo began to wring his hands.

"What are you so nervous about?" he asked, staring at Kyungsoo's hands. "Hey, what's that?"

"What?"

"That ring. Let me see." He grabbed Kyungsoo's hand and turned the ring around to see the whole thing. "Nice," he said, dragging the word out. "From Jongin, huh?"

"Yes." He paused. "It's an engagement ring." He eyed him for a reaction.

"Get out!" Baekhyun said loudly, pushing Kyungsoo lightly with both hands.

"You push me again and you're the one who's going to get out."

"Aaah, I'm going to die!" He hugged Kyungsoo fiercely.

"Please don't, I need you." He squirmed in the embrace.

"I never thought I'd hear those words." He kissed Kyungsoo on the cheek.

"Don't slobber on me," he said, trying to pull away.

Baekhyun kissed his other cheek. "So he asked you?"

"Yes. My mind is in overdrive. He doesn't want to wait. I need your help." He wormed his way out of Baekhyun's grip. "I have a question for you." He moved across the room. When Baekhyun started to follow, he told him, "stay over there."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be attacked by you again." He held his hand out in a 'stop' gesture.

"Okay. What's your question?" He crossed his arms, looking annoyed that he was being kept at bay.

"I want to know if...god I can't believe I'm doing this." He rubbed his face in his hands. "Will you be my best man?"

"Oh my God! Yes!" Baekhyun clapped his hands with glee and he headed toward Kyungsoo.

"No, no, no. You stay there!" He tried to hold his hand out to stop him, but it was no use. Baekhyun slammed into him full force and about squeezed the life out of him. "Baekhyun, if you suffocate me there won't be a wedding!"

Baekhyun loosened his grip and stared at Kyungsoo with a face-splitting grin. "I am so fucking happy right now. For you and for me."

"Good, good," he said, patting Baekhyun's chest like a mother to a child.

"Oh, and Jongin." He wiggled with excitement.

"Yep, good."

"I fucking knew it all along. Remember way back, when I said I'd be your best man when you got married? You wanted to kill me at the time, but here I am, your fucking best man." He blew on his fingers, then rubbed them on his chest.

"I still want to kill you." He stared him down.

"Yes, after the wedding." He waved off Kyungsoo's stare. "Seriously though, I love you and am so happy for you."

Kyungsoo softened. "I love you too, you know. My number one supporter, outside of Jongin." He took Baekhyun's hand. "I'm nervous and I really need you to be a part of this, even if I hate the fact that I need it."

"I'm glad I get to experience this kind of love, even if it's through someone else." A sad smile came and went.

Kyungsoo squeezed Baekhyun's hand, his heart breaking a little.

"Junmyeon isn't going to provide it for me, that's for sure," Baekhyun continued. "And Sehun and Tao are out of control idiots, as much as I love them. Kris just sends the occasional pic of his kid. And Chanyeol. Well, he likes to play too much. I can't even keep up with the others. But you guys always let me in, whether things are good or bad. I'm so happy to see this happen for you. Really." He gave Kyungsoo another quick hug, then stared quietly.

Kyungsoo saw that he had tears in his eyes. "Don't cry," he said softly.

"If there were such things as weddings for friends, I'd marry your fucking grumpy ass." A tear fell and he wiped it quickly.

"Well, thanks, I guess." He turned so that Baekhyun didn't have to have an audience for his tears, and walked into the kitchen to do the last minute preparations for lunch. He could hear him take a couple of deep breathes as he got a hold of himself.

"So I need to find something to wear. What are your colors?"

Kyungsoo was glad to hear excitement returning to Baekhyun's voice. "Oh dear God, I don't know. Is this what it's going to be like for the whole thing?" He was starting to dread dealing with all the details.

Baekhyun's face beamed. "You ain't seen nothing yet!"

BAEKHYUN

When Baekhyun left lunch with Kyungsoo, he started texting some of his members, telling them he had some news that he couldn't tell them because it wasn't his news, but he wanted to them to know, so they should make contact with Jongin or Kyungsoo.

Sehun called him immediately, and asked, "Is Jongin pregnant with twins?"

Baekhyun remained silent and waited for Sehun's laughter to subside. "Yeah, that's exactly it." He could hear Tao in the background repeatedly asking what it was.

"No really, what is it?" Sehun asked.

"I told you I can't tell you. You're supposed to go find out yourself." He started bouncing around. "And hurry up, I'm going to burst."

~~~~

Twenty minutes later, Baekhyun got another call from Sehun telling him that he found out from Jongin, and now everyone knew.

"Don't let that slip to anyone we can't trust," he warned.

"No worries, I know all about secrecy."

Baekhyun wasn't sure about that, but he had no control over Sehun. "Okay, good, I'll keep you posted."

From that point onward, it was a group effort to get things planned and ready to go. He worked with Kyungsoo on his personal invitation list, then went to Jongin for anything that Kyungsoo wanted to avoid, which was most of it.

Jongin told him that he asked his oldest sister to be his best woman, and it was she who would be scouting locations, so as not to give anything away. Baekhyun sometimes would consult her about little details, and in the process became quite close to her.

When it all came down to it, they found a small event hall in a rural town outside of Seoul, and planned to forego flowers or flashy decorations. The guys had decided to go with a color theme of black, grey and burgundy for the wedding party, but guests were told to dress casually. A fall date was chosen.

They kept it plain and simple, and limited the guest list to fifty people, and for their own safety no casual 'plus ones' were allowed, but the members' significant others were invited if they were considered trustworthy.

That leaves Chanyeol to go alone, Baekhyun thought to himself. The boy had never really settled down with anyone, but preferred to play. Baekhyun understood that, to an extent, because he knew how painful love could be. If you did nothing but play, how hurt could you get? Still, he thought that one day he would probably be attending Chanyeol's wedding as well.

Of course, that also left him to go alone. He was fine with that. He'd just hang out with Chanyeol and Junmyeon. Besides, he was the best man, so he'd be busy.

Jongin told him that he had decided not to invite his parents, even though his mom had given up on trying to change him. He said it was because he didn't want any kind of tension to ruin his happiest moment.

Catching Baekhyun off guard, Kyungsoo unexpectedly asked him his opinion on inviting his own family.

"Uh, I don't know," he had answered. "You know them better than I do." He thought about what Jongin said about unwanted tension. "I know they accept Jongin, but do you think having them there would make you feel weird, or worried?"

Kyungsoo had chewed his lip and said, "maybe."

In the end, he told Baekhyun he had decided to invite his mother only. His dad and brother had been good about the whole thing, but it was only his mother who seemed to really understand how important Jongin was, and had come to love him as her own son. As a comprise, he and his family decided to have a celebratory dinner soon after the wedding. Baekhyun was happy to see that Kyungsoo had worked it out so that his mother and Jongin's sister would travel to the wedding together.

As the day of the wedding approached, Baekhyun started to have nerves of his own. He thought about what he would say to these two wonderful friends of his, on their special day. And he hoped he wouldn't cry.


	36. Your Love is All Need

JONGIN

The morning of his wedding day, Jongin could barely function. He was running around their apartment trying to put all the stuff he needed together, but kept misplacing and forgetting things. Kyungsoo had to shake his shoulders and tell him to snap out of it.

When the time came, they headed for the door. Kyungsoo looked him in they eyes and told him, "the next time we come back here, we'll be married."

"Don't remind me, I'm nervous enough as it is," he said, shuddering.

"What, you don't like it?' Kyungsoo teased, patting his butt playfully.

"I like it too much." His stomach was doing flip flops and his heart was pounding.

"Okay, silly, take a deep breath and let's go."

~~~~

When they arrived, Jongin was happy to see that his sisters and Kyungsoo's mother were already there. They had checked in to get the keys and open up so that the couple's identities could be kept secret. They walked the boys through the hall to show them the modest decorations and general set-up. He was touched when he saw a picture board set up with a collage of pictures, most of them were of he and Kyungsoo, but sprinkled among them were pics with their members. He knew Baekhyun had taken most of them. "I'm going to have to thank him later," Jongin said softly. After he and Kyungsoo took time to look over the photos, they were led to the back room where they would get ready.

"Is it okay if both of you use the same room to get dressed?" Jongin's sister JiEun asked. "There's no 'don't see the bride before the wedding' rule is there?"

"I don't know," Kyungsoo said, "but I'm definitely not the bride." They all laughed.

He gave his sister's shoulder a squeeze. "There's no bride, sis. We can both use this room."

"Well," Kyungsoo's mom said, "you have a bit of time, so no need to rush. But we'll leave you two to it, for now." She placed a hand on each of their shoulders. "I'll send Baekhyun in when he gets here. He's not the late type, is he?"

"No," Kyungsoo answered, "but even if he was, there's no way he'd be late to this. I think if he could have, he'd have made us marry years ago."

"Well, at least he knows a good couple when he sees one," Jongin sister said with a smile. With that, she and Kyungsoo's mother left them alone in the room.

"We're finally here," Kyungsoo said, running his hands down Jongin's arms.

"Hold me tight so I'll stop shaking." Jongin pulled him into a firm hug. As he was starting to relax, he heard the unmistakeable yell of Baekhyun's loud mouth. "Well, I guess your pest, I mean friend, is here."

Kyungsoo spanked him. "Be nice, he's your friend too."

"I know, I know." He pulled away.

When Baekhyun entered, he gave them each a hug. "Put me to work, boys!"

They got to work taking their clothes out of their garment bags and setting out their accessories. As they each got undressed, Baekhyun helped by putting their discarded clothes away and handing them their suits. Once done, they stood on display for Baekhyun to inspect, and he made litte adjustments to make everything perfect.

"A damn handsome pair, I must say," Baekhyun said, shaking his head in amazement. "It's almost disgusting." He took out his phone and aimed it at them. "Say cheese!"

Jongin smiled for the camera, then waved Baekhyun over for a selca. "Send me those pictures," he said after they had taken about five photos. "Oh, we should take some with our phones."

They both found their phones and took a few more pictures. Once they were done, Baekhyun stepped outside to see how things were shaping up in the hall. When he returned a short time later, he told them everything seemed about ready, and as soon as they wanted to come out he'd make sure the minister was in place, and he would bring Kyungsoo's mom and Jongin's sister back.

Jongin felt fidgety, and paced the room saying "I've got to pee," until Kyungsoo stopped him.

Baekhyun peeked his face back in. "I think everyone's here. Just a warning though, Sehun and Tao are in the front row." He made a scared face at them. "Good luck with that."

"Thanks, I'll try to prepare myself mentally," Kyungsoo said. "Why don't you go let everyone know it's time, so they can all take their seats, then bring my mom and his sister back." Baekhyun gave them the okay sign and left.

Jongin squirmed.

"You," Kyungsoo said. "Go pee. I don't want you dribbling at the altar."

~~~~

When it was time, Kyungsoo's mom gave both him and Jongin a kiss on the cheek, and both of Jongin's sisters followed suit. Jongin then locked arms with JiEun, and headed out the door and down the aisle. The song 'Here and Now' played softly. As he walked he tried to take it all in. Where he was, what he was doing, the feel of his sister's arm in his, the eyes of the guests upon him. It made him slightly dizzy.

Once at the altar, his sister broke from him and they both turned to face the crowd. He took a deep breath in an effort to slow his heart, then swallowed hard as Kyungsoo and his mom came out and began to walk toward him. He's so handsome, he thought. How did I get so lucky? He smiled without meaning to, and he saw that Kyungsoo smiled back. He felt like he had to pee again.

Kyungsoo, now standing next to him and facing the minister, touched his arm briefly. He listened impatiently as the minister gave a pretty typical speach about love and commitment, then felt near panic when it was their turn to say their vows.

They had decided to forego the ring exchange at the altar, since they already had their rings. Instead, they would just speak their hearts to each other. Jongin went first.

He took both of Kyungsoo's hands in his. "Kyungsoo," he began, "it is my dream come true to be with here with you right now. It's been a long, sometimes difficult road, but it was all worth it. You keep me grounded by not letting me lie to myself, or to you. You're by my side when things get hard for me, but you're also with me to celebrate and share my joys. Most of all, you've shown me what love really is." He took a deep breath and blinked to keep himself from tearing up. "And I want you to know that my love for you is true. It may not be accepted by all, but the only one who needs to accept it is you. And I'm so happy that you have. Thank you for being my one and only. I promise to love you forever." He saw the evidence of Kyungsoo's shyness in the high color on his cheeks. He knew all this lovey-dovey stuff in front of on-lookers was uncomfortable for him. Still, he placed a soft kiss on Kyungsoo's lips.

 

KYUNGSOO

Kyungsoo tried his best not to go blank and freeze up when it was his turn. He squeezed Jongin's hands tightly to keep himself in the moment and tried not to think about all of the people watching him.

"Ah, I'm not very good at this kind of thing," he started with a shaky voice. "But even though I'm nervous, I'm proud to stand up here and tell you I love you. Once I fell for you, I knew I would never want to part from you. You have been so strong, fighting to be yourself against opposition, and staying with me when doing so was difficult. You've loved me from the start, and continue to love me, even though I'm not always easy to love. I'm grateful for that. Thank you for being so brave. I promise to do my best to support and love you until I part from this world. And then I'll see you in the next one. I love you."

He saw that Jongin, who had managed not to cry during his own vows now had tears in his eyes. He mouthed "don't cry" then pecked him on the lips. When he turned to face the guests, they burst into applause.

They thanked the minister, hugged Baekhyun and Jongin's sister, then walked back down the aisle and into the dressing room to gather their wits.

"We did it," Jongin said as he peppered Kyungsoo with kisses. "We really did it."

"Yes. We did." Although Kyungsoo could hardly believe it himself. Kyungsoo wrapped himself around Jongin and they stayed like that, silently for a moment. Although he'd like to just stay like that, he knew they had guests to attend to. He reluctantly let go. "Let's go eat."

They made their way to the dining hall and entered to a round of applause. They sat to eat amongst their friends and family and enjoyed their meal. The atmosphere was good, so Kyungsoo was able to relax and feel comfortable.

As the meal wound down, Baekhyun stood up and got everyone's attention. Kyungsoo got a little nervous about what he was about to say.

"I just want to say," he began, "that I was right. I knew it all along. These two lovebirds couldn't hide it from me even way back when." He laughed and made his way over to stand by the couple. "I used to tease them about it. Even told them they'd get married one day." He gave Kyungsoo a light, playful punch on the shoulder. "Told you," he said, then stuck his tongue out to tease him.

Kyungsoo struck out to deliver his own punch, then grabbed his hand as Baekhyun continued. "I'm so happy this day has come. These two have been great friends to me, and I love them both. Thanks for putting up with all my teasing. I did it out of love, you know. Congratulations!"

When he returned to his seat, JiEun stood. "I can't let this opportunity pass me by. I have to tell my baby brother congratulations. Jongin, I love you and I'm happy for you and Kyungsoo. I feel this moment is extra special because of how hard you fought for it. Remember that I'll always be here for you, and wish you both the best in life. Cheers!"

At that moment, Kyungsoo's mom stood. "Ah, want to say something as well." Her voice was quiet and the room hushed to hear her. "I'm proud to be here to represent the parents. The absence of some is not an indication of an absence of love. You are both loved by your families, and I know that even though they worry, they ultimately hope and pray for your happiness."

Kyungsoo, not one prone to tears, felt a lump begin to swell in his throat as he blinked rapidly. He took a deep breath to steady himself as she continued.

"Many mothers dream of big weddings for their sons, envisioning beautiful wedding dresses, teaching their daughters-in-law the ways of homemaking, and future grandchildren. So some may think that this wedding is something less than what I had dreamed for my son, but I will say they are wrong. If I am truly invested in my son's happiness, then wedding dresses and grandchildren don't matter. What's important is the quality of the person my son chooses to spend his life with, and how much they love each other."

She stood behind the couple, one hand on each of their shoulders. "Today, one of my dreams for my son has come true. That he stayed true to himself, and loves whole-heartedly a person who truly loves him back. I may have assumed, when Kyungsoo was young, that if he got married his wedding would include a woman in a beautiful wedding dress, but it was never a requirement. And I don't feel any less of a mother-in-law to this fine young man, Jongin."

Kyungsoo felt tears in his eyes as he saw Jongin spill his own. "Even though the government may not recognize this marriage, I do. Welcome to the family, Jongin. You've already felt like a part of it, but now it's official. I'm proud to gain a third son."

Both of them stood to hug her, tears silently falling. "I love you," they both whispered to her.

~~~

Emotion gave way to drinking and playing, and soon Kyungsoo's mom and Jongin's sister made their early exit.

Chanyeol made his way to the happy couple and asked about the garter throwing ceremony.

"We don't have garters." Jongin said.

Chanyeol threw his arm around him. "Then find something else to throw. Come on! It'll be fun!"

"We don't need to do that lame traditional stuff," Kyungsoo chimed in.

"No, you have to," he insisted. "Find something!"

Knowing they weren't going to get away with ignoring him, they looked for something to throw. "We can throw a bread roll," Jongin suggested.

"Nah," Chanyeol said. "If you throw bread, Minseok will definitely catch it. And then eat it."

"We can throw my hat," Kyungsoo offered. "I have one in the car."

"That'll work, go get it."

Chanyeol then explained to the guests that, just for fun, Kyungsoo was going to throw his hat to all the singles, and whoever catches it will be the next to marry.

"I'm out," Junmyeon said as he stepped aside. The rest of the singles gathered.

Hat in hand, an embarrassed Kyungsoo approached and turned his back. He could hear Chanyeol yelling "me! me! me!" in the background. Idiot, he thought.

"Okay, here goes!" He threw it behind him in a wide arc. When he turned, he saw that Baekhyun had caught the hat.

They cheered and congratulated him, although to Kyungsoo he looked a little bewildered.

After, when just about everyone had left, Kyungsoo approached him. "You might not be the next one, Baekhyun. But it will happen for you one day. I know it."

Baekhyun gave him a sad smile that made him ache.

"I mean it. You know I'm not mushy, and I don't say shit I don't mean. Some aren't meant for marriage, like Junmyeon, so I would never say that to him. But you," he said, putting his arm around him, "you were meant for love. And someone will love you. Love you enough that she can't live without you. Please wait for it." He gave him a hug.

"Okay," he whispered against Kyungsoo's neck.

JONGIN

When the night came to a close, Jongin and Kyungsoo headed home. They had briefly considered spending their wedding night somewhere away from home, but decided that it was risky. Even though the fandom, and much of the entertainment industry, had come to believe they were a couple and generally left them alone, the general public would not be supportive. If they got found out in a way they couldn't refute, it would be messy. So they decided to spend their first married night at home, where they would feel safe.

As Kyungsoo drove, Jongin kept trying to hold his hand. "Babe, I need two hands to drive on this road. I'd like to enjoy married life with you for a while before I die."

Jongin whined. "But I want to feel you." He flashed a smile. "My husband."

"Don't be cheesy." He ran his hand quickly through the back of Jongin's hair. "And you can feel me all you want when we get home."

When they got home, they lugged their wedding gifts into their apartment. "I'm curious what these could be. We didn't even ask for anything. Should we unwrap some?" Kyungsoo asked.

"There's only one thing I want to unwrap," Jongin answered. He approached Kyungsoo from behind and reached around to untuck his shirt.

"You don't waste any time, do you?" He turned around so they were face to face.

"No." He was always hungry for Kyungsoo, but tonight he was especially charged up. This was his husband now.

"But remember, romeo, tonight is my night." He reached to unbutton Jongin's shirt. "Ready?"

Jongin started to feel a bit nervous. He swallowed hard and nodded.

"Go sit down," Kyungsoo directed, pointing at the couch. "And stay there."

Jongin, confused, did so. He rubbed his hands in anticipation as he waited. The beat of his heart pounded in his chest.

When Kyungsoo returned he was smiling devilishly. He climbed up on the couch behind Jongin and abruptly wrapped his eyes with a blindfold.

"Uhhh, what are you doing?" He trusted Kyungsoo, but didn't like being unsure of what was happening.

"Get up." He took Jongin by the hand and led him out of the living room and down the hall to the bedroom.

"This doesn't involve a gerbil, does it?" Jongin jokingly asked as he was gently pushed onto the bed.

"Just for that, you're not allowed to speak until I say you can."

"But..." Jongin was stopped by Kyungsoo's hand on his mouth.

"Shhhh."

He took a deep breath as he felt his clothes being removed, piece by piece. He listened hard as Kyungsoo got up from the bed. He could hear clothes being removed and shuffling in a drawer. What is he getting? he wondered.

When Kyungsoo returned he felt hands on his calves, moving his legs up so his knees were bent. Then hands were on his thighs, parting his legs slightly. The fact that he couldn't see what was coming heightened his sense of touch as his skin waited for contact. He broke out in chills when Kyungsoo's tongue stroked the underside of his balls, then ran along his dick. He was surprised when, instead of the blow job he was expecting, Kyungsoo kissed his navel, tongued his nipple, then kissed his neck right below his ear. What is this leading to? he wondered. He heard him get off the bed and grab something out of the nightstand.  
The next thing he knew, he felt Kyungsoo's hand run slick fingers from the base of his dick to his ass, parting his cheeks. The skin that he touched had started to heat up, so he wanted to ask what it was, but remembered he was supposed to say quiet. Whatever it was, it felt good. He tried to reach out for Kyungsoo, but was told "put your hands down." He did as he was told.

Next he felt Kyungsoo's lubed fingers enter him. He pushed against them. All this teasing had him ready to go. But Kyungsoo removed his fingers and left him hanging for a minute. What the hell? he thought, starting to get frustrated.

As he started to squirm in frustration, he felt a strong hand against his thigh, holding him still. Something firm entered him. He wasn't sure what it was, until it started vibrating. He was familiar with vibrators, but he and Kyungsoo had never used them. They just never felt the need since they enjoyed each other so much. But this new feeling was exciting, and gave off a different good feeling. He started to moan but was quickly shushed by Kyungsoo's finger against his lips. It was almost torture for him to feel so good and have to stay silent.

As Kyungsoo continued with the vibrator, he felt something brush his thigh as his boyfriend (no, husband, he thought) shifted on the bed. He knew what it was.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo said softly, "you're so beautiful. I love you so much that I'm hard without you even doing anything to me. I'm just looking at you. Thinking about you. That's all it takes."

Jongin wanted to tell him how much he loved him in return, but he didn't want to break the rules by talking. He made a mental note to say something later. Besides, he was feeling close to climax and his mind was going blank. But before he could come, Kyungsoo removed the vibrator, then said, "my turn."

He felt him slide in slow. He smiled at the feel of his warm, hard man inside him. Then all thoughts slipped away as Kyungsoo slammed into him hard, over and over. He knew he was supposed to be quiet, but he couldn't help let out a whimper. It was intense, almost too intense, but he loved it at the same time. He had been on the edge with the vibrator, so he wasn't able to last as long as usual. Once he was spent, he gasped and tried to push him away. Sometimes, for Jongin, once it was over he felt too overwhelmed and needed everything to stop.

Kyungsoo climbed away. Jongin reached out his hand to find him, then tapped what felt like his hip.

"Hmmm?"

Jongin wasn't allowed to speak, so he just tapped his own lips, mimicked talking by flapping his fingers together, then raised both hands in a questioning gesture.

"Go ahead." Kyungsoo laughed softly.

"Did I finish too soon?" he asked. He was always worried about whether Kyungsoo was satisfied.

"Don't worry about that, I got mine."

"What about this?" Jongin tapped the blindfold. He felt Kyungsoo come close, then pull the blindfold off. For a moment, it was weird to actually be able to see. His man's face was flushed and beautiful. He ran his thumb along Kyungsoo's eyebrow, which was damp with sweat. "You put in a lot of work."

"All for you." He kissed Jongin's forehead. "Let's shower."

He let Kyungsoo lead him to the shower, where they both washed up slowly. Once they were out, he was pampered by his new husband as his body and hair were dried. Finally, he was put to bed, then cuddled from behind. It was then he remembered how, earlier when he wasn't supposed to speak, he wanted to tell Kyungsoo he loved him. So he said it now. "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved. Family, friends... dogs." He laughed. "They don't compare to you." He relished the feeling of his husband pulling him in a little closer and tighter. And, more content than he had ever been, he drifted to sleep with the love of his life.


	37. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

Time went on for EXO, who still considered themselves members even though they were in their thirties and rarely got together as a group anymore. Yixing was married with a daughter, and was a successful musician in China, so he didn't have much reason to come to Korea. They rarely spoke to Kris by this time, but news of him would occasionally reach them. He worked as an actor and was still married to the same woman, and now had two kids. Luhan checked in with some of the members now and then, especially Minseok and Sehun. He still worked in the entertainment business, both in music and acting, but kept a relatively low profile because he didn't like too much attention. Minseok and Jongdae owned a quality coffee shop that became quite the trendy spot in Seoul. Minseok ran the shop, while Jongdae helped with the business end while maintaining a fairly successful solo singing career. They both eventually married, Jondgae having two kids, and Minseok none.

Junmyeon stood firm against his parents wishes by remaining single, and started a beauty product line with Sehun and Tao, which did so well in sales that it moved into international markets. Besides the cosmetics business, Tao managed to maintain a decent acting career in China. Sehun eventually gave up teaching dance at Jongin's studio to help with the business full time. Sehun and Tao had a wedding of their own, in China, which most of the members attended. Unlike Jongin and Kyungsoo, they did little to keep this a secret, and the news of it rippled through the entertainment and fandom world. It was a big scandal at first, but then people moved on.

Chanyeol did not fulfill Baekhyun's prediction that he'd get married. He dated around without ever getting very serious with any one woman. Instead, he became married to his music, writing and releasing albums regularly. He loved attention, so he was very well known around Seoul, and had lots of friends. Even with his busy social life, he never pulled away from Baekhyun. The two remained close, and now and then Chanyeol would spend an evening in so they could have time together.

Baekhyun never had a low moment in his music career. He continued to put out solo albums through his own agency, which he started to nurture up-and-coming vocal talent. As the one with the final say at his company, he made sure that talent was the number one reason they signed anyone. One of the artists he signed was a woman named Ji Eun, whom most would not consider a stunning beauty, but who was talented, pretty and charming. She was nearly ten years younger, but had an old musical soul, and Baekhyun connected with her right away. He joked with his members that he lucked out in two ways: he signed an amazing addition to the talent on his label, and he gained an even better addition to his life - his true love. "I realize it now," he told Kyungsoo one day. "Your first love is not always your true love. You may not forget it, but you shouldn't hold onto it so tight that you lose out on future love." With a hug he added, "Thank you for believing this could happen to me, when I didn't believe it myself."

Kyungsoo and Jongin remained strong and true, and lived a mostly happy life. They moved out of the city to a house in a sparsely populated town that was still close enough to Seoul to be convenient. It afforded them more privacy, and gave them the ability to enjoy the outdoors with their dogs. Rumors constantly swirled around them but, like other gay celebrities, as long as they didn't say anything to confirm their relationship, people could only wonder, and the media pretty much left them alone. Jongin kept his dance studio, but eventually handed the teaching over to younger dancers. In a move surprising to some, he actually began writing children's books, adding cute art pieces that he drew himself. Kyungsoo onced joked that he should ask Kris to draw the art for his books. Although the plots of the storied varied, most centered on love and acceptance, not only for others but also for oneself. He often used his experiences with their nieces and nephews as inspiration, and the books became popular in grade school libraries. It made him proud to know that he could maybe make a difference to some children who were struggling with bullies, or with hard times at home.

As much as they both loved children, especially Jongin, they decided not to try to have any. Korea was still a fairly homophobic nation, and gay couples, or even single males, were not allowed to adopt. To have their own legal children, they would have to do so in another country. And even though they regularly spent time in Los Angeles, they didn't want to move or give up their Korean citizenship. Instead, they decided to make their nieces and nephews their focus, spending as much time with them as they could. They joked it was like having the same benefits as grandparents: to adore, spoil and enjoy the children they love, but avoiding much of the hassle by returning them to their parents at the end of the day.

Of course, Jongin was fully integrated into Kyungsoo's family, but they had also made strides in Kyungsoo's acceptance into Jongin's family. Although things were still awkward, Jongin's mother did occasionally invite Kyungsoo over with Jongin for meals. "I can tell she actually likes you," Jongin once told Kyungsoo. "She liked you from the early days, but when you became my boyfriend she told herself she couldn't. Now she's seeing how foolish she was. She's going to love you one day."

One night while relaxing in bed, they reminisced about their past - all the wild times with EXO, how up and down the beginning of their relationship was, and how truly amazing it was that they were here together, all these years later.

"I don't really want to have all the aches and pains of old age," Jongin admitted, "but because I have you, I'm looking forward to growing old together." He ruffled his hair playfully. "I think you'll look really hot with grey hair."

Kyungsoo kissed his forehead. "Well, thanks to our EXO days, I already know you're gorgeous with grey."

"I just wanted to give you a preview of our future." He smiled, his eyes crinkling together.

Kyungsoo repeated Jongin's words. "Our future." He snuggled up to Jongin's chest. "I think that's my favorite word. Our life, our future, our love."

"And you accuse me of being cheesy." Jongin laughed.

"That's because you are. I've just lived with you so long it's rubbing off on me. Yuck!" He put his finger in his mouth, then poked Jongin's stomach.

Ticklish Jongin squealed, then tried to distract Kyungsoo from further tickling by pecking his lips. "We've got a long day tomorrow, let's get some sleep."

Kyungsoo shifted to make himself more comfortable against Jongin, and said low, "Most people love to sleep and dream to escape their daily troubles. But I live for my waking hours because, troubles or not, you're in them. Sleeping dreams can't compare to my real life dream come true."

"Let's be each other's dream in this life, and all the ones after. Promise?" Jongin asked, holding his pinky finger out.

Kyungsoo linked his with Jongin's. "I promise."


End file.
